Headintheclouds Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 My girlfriend is a very opinionated one. She may get annoyed of mad at a situation shes in, or judgmental about something she sees that rubs her wrong. When it happens, her demeanor changes dramatically and its immediately noticeable. she can go from super affectionate and everything feels fine, to crap in the next moment. Over time Ive learned that its hard for me not to take it personal. I know its not me that is the problem, but it feels directed at me because of the way she expresses it. So it takes all of my energy NOT to take it personal, even though it effects us in the moment. She says the best thing I can do is not take it personal, and somehow take her away from it. It could be cheering her up somehow, or just grabbing her and kissing her. But its draining sometimes, because when she gets like this, it brings me down too. Its hard to be strong all the time. Shes a strong personality and its hard to know how to deal with it sometimes. I am very different and I let things roll off me. I dont get hung up on small stuff, so theres a huge difference there. I try to explain to her not to take things so hard, but then she says Im dismissing her right to feel frustrated or aggravated. Otherwise we have a great relationship. Very well connected, communicative and I trust her. I would say almost every argument we get in is related to this process, so Im looking for ways to deal with it better.
Nilfiry Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I am very different and I let things roll off me. I dont get hung up on small stuff, so theres a huge difference there. I try to explain to her not to take things so hard, but then she says Im dismissing her right to feel frustrated or aggravated. Sounds like a contradiction to me, to be frank. If you know that it is not personal and that the two of you are still getting along just fine, then this is a relatively small matter. The fact that you are bothered by it obviously shows that you can get hung up on small stuff. Your best bet is to just get used to it or leave her. That is just how she is, and let me say that my sister is exactly the same. There is no changing her, so you will have to either adapt or get out. The best thing that you can do next time this happens is to just let her do all the talking. Talking less can go a long way for you, and it helps you avoid adding fuel to the fire. If you do talk, you better be prepared to agree with her if you want it over quickly without someone exploding.
winny Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 She sounds like one of those toxic people we are adviced to stay away from. 3
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 If it's not directed at you than just go in your inner-happy-place and let her huff and puff. I am dating someone that is highly opinionated and it's something I will not change because in his case it's cultural and he's passed the age of changing himself. I have learn a few tricks to diffuse his excitement before it gets full blown though. When I feel he's getting all pumped up about something he saw on the news (example) I remain the most Zen person and calmly tell him to calm down, to relax, there's no need to get all worked up over something we have no power over. It usually brings things down a notch. If he keeps at it then he's on his own, I go back to what I was doing and let him be outraged over what ever got his attention. 2
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 My girlfriend is a very opinionated one. She may get annoyed of mad at a situation shes in, or judgmental about something she sees that rubs her wrong. Why your title uses the word arguments? This is her being all worked up over something that has nothing to do with you. Just don't get involved. Like I said in my previous post - go to your happy place and let her blow off some steam on her own. You have a hobby? go to your hobby, why stay around and more important why would you get involved? Let her deal with what has been robbing her wrong and go back to fixing your car, or back to your reading, or back to your games, or what ever you enjoy.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 It can be mentally exhausting to be around someone like this, especially if they are like this often, and about the same things. In my last relationship, he told me in the very beginning that his ex-wife would get hurt/offended when he would vent to her about things having nothing to do with her. About his father, or about his business, etc. And I was like, "wow, she's sensitive! She should really just have listened and been supportive!" Well. I grew to understand why she felt the way she did, and how he was perhaps misinterpreting her displeasure about it. He had a tendency to frequently get worked up about the same things over and over and over, and get louder and louder and louder, and put himself in a bad mood the more he stewed over it and grumbled about it, and the only thing that made him feel better was attention, like physical attention like a little child would....scratching his back....or sexual attention, whatever. To his ex, he complained mostly about his dad and work. To me, it was mostly about HER. And also about his dad and work. It was never-ending. So, even though his complaining was not about me or directed at me, it still affected me because it was still all negative crap I was hearing and not pleasant stuff. I called him Eeyore. Would you say, in general, your girlfriend complains a lot? 1
Author Headintheclouds Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 Thanks guys, Shes definitely not a toxic person. Ive been through alot in my life to know that shes a good one. Its just a misunderstanding between us that I think can be resolved, or at least dealt with in a better way on both sides (or maybe just mine) Gaeta, yes youre situation sounds much like mine. I know I need to give her room to feel the way she wants. I wish she didnt waste her energy on things that cant be changed in the moment. And I know the zen-ness you speak of. Its tough to always have to be that person sometimes. It can be draining. Maybe the hang up is mine. I deal with things much differently, but also as Nilfiry says, maybe I do get hung up on small stuff since I allow her to get to me like this. We get along great otherwise. Things couldn't be better...but this happens maybe 3-4 times a month and out of nowhere. My first instinct is that Ive done something wrong. Im getting better at diffusing that thought in my head. 2
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Gaeta, yes your situation sounds much like mine. I know I need to give her room to feel the way she wants. I wish she didnt waste her energy on things that cant be changed in the moment. And I know the zen-ness you speak of. Its tough to always have to be that person sometimes. It can be draining. If it's not in your nature to be Zen then yes it will drain you because you have to concentrate and make an effort, to me it has always come very naturally. Another thing comes to mind, your girlfriend is most likely an extrovert like my bf, very expressive, opinionated and energetic. In our case we complement each other as I am very poised and calm. His high energy is good to me and my calmness is good to him. 2
basil67 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I know its not me that is the problem, but it feels directed at me because of the way she expresses it. So it takes all of my energy NOT to take it personal Can you tell us more about how her anger feels directed at you? Is she rude or disrespectful towards you while she's mad at something else?
smackie9 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 How about this....agree with her and don't engage when you see her going into a rant.
Maggie4 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 You can't really say she has a problem. It could be that's just how she is. Probably her whole family knows and are used to her. Some people are outspoken and expressive. So they may appear more upset than they really are. Other people are quiet sulker that are actually more upset than they're willing to show. 1
act00 Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 There are a lot of things going on here, and I don't think it's on only one person to just "accept it." Both parties have some work to do. You and your girlfriend do not handle conflict the same. I can't determine rights or wrongs here. You seem unfeeling and aloof by description (I know you feel) while she sounds overly-emotional and inconsolable. Your girlfriend needs to tone it down. Sorry, but life is a sh**-hole and you have to buck up and grow up and get through it. It's fine if she breaks down and gets emotional with those who are closest to her. That's what our friends, family, and boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends/wives are for...our support when the sh*t hits the fan, but there's still a limit, and these important people are not our battering rams and not our punching bags. You can't behave like this all the time. If she completely shuts down and treats you poorly because of gawd knows what all the time, that is a real problem. It's a worse problem when the partner is highly sensitive...you're not very sensitive, and here you are taking her moods personally, so I question if this girl is over the top in her sensitivity to the world and circumstances surrounding her. I have little tolerance for people that completely break down over every little injustice in life and the world. She seems to think that you should know the "magic formula" to make her feel better...you don't and THERE IS NO MAGIC FORMULA. You can give her a hug and go about your way while she deals with her stuff, be supportive, talk to her, maybe you can help. They say don't take it personally, but I'm sorry, when she's shutting you out and pushing you away because she's upset about something, how do you not take it personally? You always will. She's not taking personal responsibility and paying attention to the fact that it's not you, and assuring you it's not you. Instead she mopes and leaves you feeling exposed and wounded as if it's your fault. You handle emotions differently than her, so it's really hard to judge if she's over the top emotional/shuts down, or you think she should let it "roll off her back"...you want to fix it, but you can't always fix it, you just have to let it be, and she isn't a "duck" as the saying goes. I was married to a very passive man who avoided conflict like the plague, and I never knew what set him off or if it was me, and it was very difficult. He would shut down, didn't communicate, fell silent, sullen, moody...it was hard to maneuver around. Both parties need to be aware of each other and work with personalities. She gets uptight about everything going on around her, and you suffer the consequences of her moods. Not a good place to be. It's up to her to grow up and manage conflict better. How to do that? See a pshrink. Read a self-help book. I don't know. 1
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