SSun Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 My ex's child sent me a cryptic text message on New Year's and I didn't reply to it because I wasn't sure that it wasn't from my ex. Concerned, I looked at the teen's social media pages and saw some concerning messages like "I don't have any place to go" and "I have so much hurt, I wish I had a different life." It pained me not to reach out but because my ex was abusive to me I couldn't take the chance. Well I now know why the teen was reaching out to me. My ex is facing jail time for physically abusing his new gf and my ex's child reported the crime to police and told them that his father has abused other women (including me). The only reason I didn't report my ex to police (although a neighbor did) was because I didn't want his child to be in foster care. My concern is that my ex has full custody and I know that his child will have no place to go if he goes to jail - from what I was told, he is definitely going to jail as he has domestic violence convictions going back decades and the DA is over it. I want to call my ex's child and say that I am a safe place no matter what but I am terrified of my ex finding out. How do I help without hurting myself?
basil67 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Has your ex been granted bail or is he in custody? This would make a difference to my advice.
Author SSun Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 Has your ex been granted bail or is he in custody? This would make a difference to my advice. He's out on bail right now.
HumanMachine Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Stay well clear of this situation, not your business.
amaysngrace Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 No offense but if you didn't care enough about this child when you left his dad then why do you care now? Maybe foster care is the better alternative. 3
BaileyB Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Indeed. Stay well and clear of this situation. You worked hard to get away from him, don't put your physical or emotional health at risk. And again, no disrespect intended... But, how did you ever get involved with such a horrible man? And yes, I agree that foster care may well be the better alternative. I know it was a difficult situation, but I'm not sure how you could leave a child in an abusive situation and not call the police or CFS. I hope that child gets the help that they need. That is a strong child to call the police of their father. Edited February 2, 2018 by BaileyB 1
Author SSun Posted February 3, 2018 Author Posted February 3, 2018 No offense but if you didn't care enough about this child when you left his dad then why do you care now? Maybe foster care is the better alternative. I always cared and I have always kept up with the child from afar. I only stayed as long as I did with my ex because I didn't want to leave the child. I left my ex because I was being abused and I knew that he wasn't a child abuser. They were in therapy when I left. If I thought he'd hurt his child, I would have definitely reported him immediately. Although I now realize that he indirectly abuses his child by abusing women with the child around. I met my ex when I was very young, he's significantly older than me. I'm not proud that I didnt leave him sooner or that I didn't have a plan for his child but I didn't know. I'm not even 20 years older than his child.
Author SSun Posted February 3, 2018 Author Posted February 3, 2018 Indeed. Stay well and clear of this situation. You worked hard to get away from him, don't put your physical or emotional health at risk. And again, no disrespect intended... But, how did you ever get involved with such a horrible man? And yes, I agree that foster care may well be the better alternative. I know it was a difficult situation, but I'm not sure how you could leave a child in an abusive situation and not call the police or CFS. I hope that child gets the help that they need. That is a strong child to call the police of their father. I had no idea what my ex had done before I met him. I'm significantly younger than him and a background check didn't cross my mind. I didn't leave the child in an abusive situation. My ex didn't never had a history of harming his child. When I left him they were in therapy and in a stable place. I privately shared my concerns about my ex's exposure of his child to his violence against women with the therapist and she said she knew already and was going to handle it. She also told me that she hoped I'd leave because given his history, it was her professional opinion that my ex would get worse before he got better and that I shouldn't feel bad about leaving. I taught my ex's child to call 911 if his father ever lost his temper with anyone in the house. I did as much as I could with zero rights to the child and with the maturity I had, not being much older than the child.
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 I had no idea what my ex had done before I met him. I'm significantly younger than him and a background check didn't cross my mind. I didn't leave the child in an abusive situation. My ex didn't never had a history of harming his child. When I left him they were in therapy and in a stable place. I privately shared my concerns about my ex's exposure of his child to his violence against women with the therapist and she said she knew already and was going to handle it. She also told me that she hoped I'd leave because given his history, it was her professional opinion that my ex would get worse before he got better and that I shouldn't feel bad about leaving. I taught my ex's child to call 911 if his father ever lost his temper with anyone in the house. I did as much as I could with zero rights to the child and with the maturity I had, not being much older than the child. It's a difficult situation, no doubt. I'm sure that you had the child's best interest in mind and did the best you could. I just hope that you never find yourself in a similar situation again. I'm surprised that the therapist didn't report the situation to CFS. Although the father didn't physically abuse the child (to your knowledge), I would think that there was enough concern to warrant a report - from someone who would be a mandated reporter. But who knows, perhaps she did report the situation to CFS and nothing resulted from the investigation. It's very sad for the child. I would still be very cautious about your own safety though... especially if he is out on bail.
Author SSun Posted February 3, 2018 Author Posted February 3, 2018 It's a difficult situation, no doubt. I'm sure that you had the child's best interest in mind and did the best you could. I just hope that you never find yourself in a similar situation again. I'm surprised that the therapist didn't report the situation to CFS. Although the father didn't physically abuse the child (to your knowledge), I would think that there was enough concern to warrant a report - from someone who would be a mandated reporter. But who knows, perhaps she did report the situation to CFS and nothing resulted from the investigation. It's very sad for the child. I would still be very cautious about your own safety though... especially if he is out on bail. The therapist worked for the state, so she was basically CPS. I learned that it's extremely hard to convince a judge to revoke parental rights, even when the custodial parent is a serial domestic abuser. The therapist recommended individual therapy for my ex and he started going on his own. He is a survivor of extreme child abuse and that's another reason why I was confident that he would not abuse his child. He was big on not having his child experience what he did growing up. Again, I now know and understand that making the child a witness to abuse is abuse. I am a child abuse survivor and my mom is a domestic violence survivor. That informed my understanding of love. Thanks to therapy I know understand I don't have to repeat history and I don't give men with even the slightest hint of abusive tendencies the time of day - I also don't attract abusers very often anymore. Honestly my ex's kid saved my life. My ex pushed me to the brink one day and I wasn't sure I could go on. Then I heard this little voice come through the door and ask me what they could dk to help me feel better. I snapped out of it and started planning my escape.
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 You are a survivor. It sounds like you have gained a lot of wisdom. Best wishes.
Young mind Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 You truly care but you must do so from a distance, no need to involve yourself in this. It's sparsely your business.
Author SSun Posted February 3, 2018 Author Posted February 3, 2018 You truly care but you must do so from a distance, no need to involve yourself in this. It's sparsely your business. I decided not to reply to the child's contact and it's been really hard. I can't afford to risk my ex lashing out at me though. Given where his life is at, I know he's just looking for someplace to put his anger since his gf is no longer his punching bag. I am praying for the kid.
IReallyLovePuppies Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I decided not to reply to the child's contact and it's been really hard. I can't afford to risk my ex lashing out at me though. Given where his life is at, I know he's just looking for someplace to put his anger since his gf is no longer his punching bag. I am praying for the kid. Take comfort that you have done the right thing. It's not that they are not your's to protect as that will be a selfish thing to say; but at your present state and position, you are not in a position to protect even yourself if your ex comes for you. Let the states looks after the kid and move on; you seem like a beautiful person and I know it will be hard for you to but you have your life and eventually, your future and future partner to consider.
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