GreenTea937 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I'm a 36 year old woman. In 2015-2017 I was involved with a terrible man who I finally was able to leave after a protection order. The PO went thru in May. In July of 2017 I met a man at my friends party who I ended up falling head over heels for. I noticed him staring at me, and his pickup line was that we matched on Bumble. I didnt know how he could possibly remember that b/c I never remember who I match with. His next ? to me was "how many men do you talk to on there that you cant remember'? I told him I dont take dating apps too seriously and that I hadnt met anyone on there. We talked and I liked the mischief in his eyes. He was a flirt and had confidence. Before even knowing my name he started grabbing my waist and asking me why I was so jumpy. I was amused and shocked at the same time. I've never had anyone so touchy with me in front of people. This was a professional party. I didnt want to start making out with this guy in front of all these people. We exchanged numbers. We go on a date. First time on a date that not only did I kiss but I made out with him in the parking lot. Like hot passionate making out. Something I've never done. Second date, I notice he stares at me a lot. Asking me why I'm so reserved. Why I'm not all over him. Does he not remember me making out with him on the first date? He likes to pull my hair kind of hard and tells me not to be such a baby. He also likes to call me old lady b/c I'm 2 years older than him. He also tells me he likes watching me blush when he looks at me. When he touches me rather creepy he says he likes watching me come out of my comfort zone. He likes to bite my leg hard and keeps looking at me to see my reaction. Its a bit too hard for my taste and I tell him. He tells me I'm being a baby. Then he stops talking to me and takes another woman on vacation and takes her to a party where I was initially planning on attending. I am heart broken and I cry over wine for hours. Sobbing. During this time if I tell him I miss him, he will invite me to his home but now he wont touch me or be touchy with me at all. He used to have wandering hands when I met him. Hes still flirtatious with me and calls me over at booty call hours. He also wants me to bring him either cookies or cupcakes or brownies which I did twice. We start talking again when I buy a luxury vehicle. This is the only time in 7 months since I've known him he likes anything on social media of mine. He's broken up with this woman by now 3 months later. I ask him if he's with her and he says "it was months ago". He sounds all irritated. We talk about my car and he tells me about his luxury vehicle. Then tells me about another woman in town that he loves to talk about around me and says she has the same car and she lets him drive it all the time. Then says with a wink "you'll let me drive your car also right?" The next time I come over to his house we ended up in bed together. And he did not call. I texted him. He replied back. But I just ended it. I blocked him and deleted him. I am feeling used up and sad. I've never slept with a guy outside of a relationship. I am hurt. I dont know what kind of man he is. IDK why he's had relationships with some women, but is treating me like this. I dont know if I should forget about him. I dont know if he's some S&M kind of guy with a flair for pain. Idk if he can be controlling later on. I need help on what to do.
Zahara Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Keep him deleted and blocked. You sound naive in your dealings with him and lack any sort of boundaries. I think he likes taunting you and gets a kick out of seeing you in pain. This man is not good for you. Stay away from him. What do you love about this man? There's nothing that you posted about him that sounds lovable. You likely only loved the attention because he sounds like an a** hole. 5
preraph Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 You attracted another abuser. He likes to inflict pain and make you uncomfortable. Please don't keep in touch with him and get all mixed up with him again. There is something in your background that made this kind of mean behavior seem normal to you and makes you attracted to it. It would be a good investment to go into therapy and just find out that what is so you become lucid about it and can keep boundaries and not fall prey. Good luck. 5
Author GreenTea937 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 How should I have dealt with him. He said I didnt make my boundaries clear himself. I dont know what he meant by that. I thought I did atleast in the beginning. Please tell me how I was being naive. I want to learn what to do in this situation.
Noproblem Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 You are a nice girl and he used that against you. I am glad you deleted him now and blocked him. Don't feel bad, but in the future, stay away from such guys. He is a player, he played you, that what he does and you let him, that what you will not do in the future. 2
Author GreenTea937 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 Another thing about this guy. He was a terrible kisser but he's known around town as a huge player. Even on the first date on our make out session, he just stuck his tongue out. I made the most of the situation. Its like I had to figure out what to do with it. Was he from the get go trying to not get attached? What guy whose been with so many women would be such a bad kisser. On the second date he asked me if I like celebrity gossip. I said no. He said he hates that stuff and also any kind of gossip. Now in hindsight I'm thinking it was almost like he didnt want to hear me talk about anything. He was very hard to talk to but he was a great flirt and thats what reeled me in.
winny Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Disaster averted...! Don't ever unblock him. Also, you don't LOVE him. You just had a terrible infatuation and attachment because he is a player who pushed all the right buttons to sweep you off your feet. 1
winny Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 How should I have dealt with him. He said I didnt make my boundaries clear himself. I dont know what he meant by that. I thought I did atleast in the beginning. Please tell me how I was being naive. I want to learn what to do in this situation. How were you naive... 1. You couldn't be smart enough to stop his advances the first time itself. 2. You stayed in contact after his intentions were crystal clear. 3. You sobbed for such a loser. 4. You are still thinking about him. 5. You think this borderline toxic relationship is LOVE. All you need to do is point 1 above. Tell them - You may be the best player in town but sorry I don't play this game. 4
preraph Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 How should I have dealt with him. He said I didnt make my boundaries clear himself. I dont know what he meant by that. I thought I did atleast in the beginning. Please tell me how I was being naive. I want to learn what to do in this situation. What typically happens with people who attract abusers is they let a lot of small slights go by without quitting them or calling them on it. It's usually because this behavior is something they learned to deal with in childhood, maybe a parent or sibling, so they know how to deal with it because they had to learn how to. That fact sometimes even makes them comfortable with these small things since they have mastered how to deal with them to some extent. It may feel familiar. But a person with good boundaries wouldn't tolerate even a small slight. I'll give you a little example. I was at the gas station with my old friend from high school who was now living with a guy. She got out and pumped gas while he sat inside telling her what a bad job she was doing of it. She didn't call him on it at all. He was being critical and abusive for absolutely no reason. If he didn't like how she pumped gas (like there's more than one way???) he could have gotten his lazy butt up and done it himself. So I talked to her about it later, why she just put up with that. She said she felt bad if she made a big deal about something that trivial. But HE's the one who made a big deal out of a small thing, and that's how abuse starts. They see if you'll put up with little things, gaslight you and act like you're a harpie if you call them on it, and then they get worse and worse. The right thing to do isn't even to argue with them which only gives these con artists an open door to try to gaslight you and might also be dangerous, but to simply stop all contact with them right then. They aren't going to get any better. You can't love them into being a decent person. 3
she'stheone Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Hi GreenTea937, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with this man. I'm not going to go into you're whole post as it is chock full of red-flags and clear forms of emotional abuse. Please forgive for being so blunt... ...you allowed this to happen. You clearly have self-esteem issues and until you work on them and realize YOU are the prize, YOU should be treated like the goddess you are, you will continue to attract abusive men who take advantage of you. I seem to be posting the following, a lot: I believe, as a woman, you are a goddess (as I believe all women are). So many of you (women) have forgotten that or never really knew it. No, not every man is going to like you or love you, but, there is, most definitely, men out there who will. But... If you don't think of yourself as the true goddess you are, how can a man (any man) see you that way? Learn to love yourself for the goddess you truly are and you will find men who will gladly worship you (as I worship my goddess). Do some spiritual and personal development work. Learn to love yourself for who you are, imperfections and all. Once you do, you will attract men who treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Sending you much love and light
smackie9 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Your post looks like 50 shades of grey....... 1
lurker74 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Hey GreenTea, what I am about to say may seem harsh. Perhaps it is. But I'm trying to do it from a place of helping you. So please keep this in mind when I say this: It's you. Please don't get me wrong. This guy is an ahole, a misogynist, and likely a narcissist. He in no way shape or form deserves any sort of pass for his behavior. But there is nothing that we - or you - can do about his behavior. There is only something you can do about yours. Analyze your interaction with him and I am willing to bet you will find this recurring pattern: He pushes and then just a little bit further...when you express discomfort (physical or otherwise), he blames you for that feeling. You internalize that blame and think that perhaps he is right and slightly move your border. And then the pattern repeats again slightly further down your comfort road. The staring. The hands on you. The biting. The inviting you to a wedding and then taking someone else. The going back to you and you being available. Him telling you that you're being a baby. And when you acquiesce, he shows approval and (for reasons we can't get into online) that approval causes you to grow more and more attached until you are in love with an abusive jerk. He pushes...you get uncomfortable...he blames you...you acquiesce...he shows affection...you soar. He pushes again. It is sadly a not uncommon patter. It's hard because sometimes it's OK for our romantic partners to push our boundaries a bit. But not for his purpose. His purpose is to slowly reduce your resistance so that he can control and use you. So that he can use your feelings of love as a lever to do whatever he wants, be that make you feel bad so that he feels better or sleep with someone else and come back to you. And sadly, I suspect that your previous ex was that way too (although perhaps different in detail). Which likely means you have a tendency toward this. LS does a lot of things well (and it does a lot of things poorly) but in your case, it seems like you need some intense therapy so that you can find out why you are doing what you are doing (assuming I'm right, which I may not be) and build the tools to start correcting it. Ultimately, you do not have to succumb to this crap but it isn't as easy as just turning it off so you may need some help. (HUGS) 2
basil67 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Please tell me how I was being naive. I want to learn what to do in this situation. GreenTea, the first warning sign you missed was the fact that he presented as a sleaze from the outset. At the professional meeting, he was arrogant, insulting, and full of himself. Sure, he did it in a joking way, but the warnings were there. At your first date, putting his hands on you and asking why you were jumpy showed a lack of consideration of your comfort levels. And then it just got worse. It's important to recognise that a guy like this would never respect your boundaries even if you did try to enforce them. Only date guys who treat you and others with respect. 2
Author GreenTea937 Posted February 3, 2018 Author Posted February 3, 2018 (edited) Thank you for all your advice. I'm going to go over it and read it and hopefully get this toxic man out of my head. I've never fallen so hard for anyone. Probalby b/c at 36 I thought I finally met a man who was successful, who loved his career, had a luxury car, and so much going on for himself. I thought he would be my last chance to settle down and find love with. But I appreciate all the replies. Edited February 3, 2018 by GreenTea937
mortensorchid Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 You fell into lust not love with this guy, and he knows he can take advantage of the situation if he wants to. Which he is. Recognize this for what it is rather than what you want it to be.
Chilli Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 No offense but women just keep on doing it and then asking what's happened later. l dunno. Anyway at least it gets the crap outa the way l suppose and so they find out it's a dud the quick way. He sounds like a strange guy though, the car thing yeah sure some guys are so into cars but the sorta stuff he was saying, kinda child like, l dunno, weird. Sorry it wound up the way it has but really he sounds pretty strange anyway, might've done you a favor.
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