LB2016 Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) So I used to date a guy that couldn never commit to being exclusive with me. We dated for like 7 months. We stopped seeing each other in the summer and just talked here and there. He came back around last week. He texted me saying he’s realized some things and that he sabotaged things with us. When I said I wish things were different w us, he said maybe he’d surprise me. We hung out last week and had a great time. We picked up right where we left off. Well now he’s back to the same games...no contact all weekend, just casual texts and not trying to make plans. My question is- do I call him out and ask him what he wants and why he said the things he did if he wasn’t going to follow through and tell him off or just play it cool and let it be and basically disappear myself? What would you do? Edited February 1, 2018 by LB2016
TheFinalWord Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 So I used to date a guy that couldn never commit to being exclusive with me. We dated for like 7 months. We stopped seeing each other in the summer and just talked here and there. He came back around last week. He texted me saying he’s realized some things and that he sabotaged things with us. When I said I wish things were different w us, he said maybe he’d surprise me. We hung out last week and had a great time. We picked up right where we left off. Well now he’s back to the same games...no contact all weekend, just casual texts and not trying to make plans. My question is- do I call him out and ask him what he wants and why he said the things he did if he wasn’t going to follow through and tell him off or just play it cool and let it be and basically disappear myself? What would you do? No, do not call him out. My personal policy is one girl, one chance, for one lifetime (in your case, a guy). If someone plays games they never really valued you. You gave him another chance and he blew it again. There's an old saying, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." If it were me, I would never contact or communicate again. 4
mrs rubble Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I dealt with a guy like that, I let him fade out of my life. When I got together with my now husband he claimed to want a proper relationship with me. Too little, too late. His loss. 1
Zahara Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Just block and move on. Don't waste your time on people like this. They don't care about your concerns. Next time, allow someone to earn your trust. Don't just jump in and pick up from where you left off. 1
Author LB2016 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 Zahara, I didn’t trust him right away. I went into “it” very cautiously and with many doubts- believe me! Lol. I just meant when we hung out, it was as if no time had passed. But that’s irrelevant anyway Bc it’s obvious that he’s going to be the same way. Thank you for the replies!
smackie9 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Just me but you should have walked away a loooooong time ago. if it doesn't feel right, it's not....and it will never be right either, not even after 7 months! 1
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 My question is- do I call him out and ask him what he wants and why he said the things he did if he wasn’t going to follow through and tell him off or just play it cool and let it be and basically disappear myself? What would you do? No, calling him out on it won't make a difference and you're the one that will appear, again, caring too much. I find you were pretty quick at taking him back after the 7 months of playing around he gave you before. Block him and do not ever speak to him again. No explanation, no warning, just block him and move on with your chin up. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Nothing has changed with this guy. It's not worth calling him out, because frankly, he won't care and it won't make any difference. I would let him disappear so you can find a guy who wouldn't dream of of letting you slip away. 2
TunaCat Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 He wanted to make sure you were still on his hook. Now that you proved that you are, he realizes he doesn't need to put in much effort. Block him and move on. 3
lurker74 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 You got the right advice but if you will permit me, I was really hoping this was a Keanu Reeves/Speed reference. Surprisingly, the solution is metaphorically the same anyway: https://y.yarn.co/e536bc25-e511-4b29-ac55-4052b7453f3b_text_hi.gif (Shoot the hostage)
Author LB2016 Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Forgive me, Lurker- but I don’t get it. Lol Why is it so hard for me to ignore him?!? Why do I feel bad? As much as I think he’s playing a game w me- another part of me tries to justify why he does what he does. Meanwhile I know this is just bull!! I actually feel guilty when I’m mean to him. I think it comes down to not wanting to believe someone you care about and THINK cares about you can do such a thing. You’re all right though in saying that’s what I need to do. Edited February 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T
lurker74 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Forgive me, Lurker- but I don’t get it. Lol Why is it so hard for me to ignore him?!? Why do I feel bad? As much as I think he’s playing a game w me- another part of me tries to justify why he does what he does. Meanwhile I know this is just bull!! I actually feel guilty when I’m mean to him. I think it comes down to not wanting to believe someone you care about and THINK cares about you can do such a thing. You’re all right though in saying that’s what I need to do. Sorry...there's a line in the movie where a character asks..."What would you do? WHAT. WOULD. YOU. DO?" And then the answer is you shoot the hostage so that the bad guy has no more leverage. Your title reminded me of that line. But surprisingly, the answer from Keanu is not all that far off...remove the leverage. Remind yourself that he's giving you attention for his OWN needs not yours. He wants to feel connected maybe because he go dumped or his job sucks or his dog died...no idea. But when someone wants to be with you, they will seek to BE WITH YOU. So remind yourself that despite the good times, he's a selfish hostage taker and shoot the hostage. (I have not been paid to endorse the movie Speed) Edited February 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Maggie4 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 What would I do? First of all I wouldn't have let it gone on for 7 months to begin with. This guy knows you'd tolerate it, at least for several months He knows he can get away with more with you. He hasn't changed. But neither have you. You're still considering putting up with this?
Ruby Slippers Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I'd block his number, ignore any incoming communications from him 100%, and never speak to him again. He doesn't care about you. He's just trying to prove to himself he's a good guy... and failing.
alphamale Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 What would you do? I would tell this clown to take a hike
kendahke Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 My question is- do I call him out and ask him what he wants and why he said the things he did if he wasn’t going to follow through and tell him off or just play it cool and let it be and basically disappear myself? What would you do? I'd cut all contact. A couple of years ago, a guy I'd gone to high school with and sporadically hung out during summer breaks---and really liked-- although never officially dated, contacted me on FB out of the blue wanting to reconnect, blah blah blah. Like your guy, when I was dealing with him back in the day, he'd do the disappearing act, etc. I decided a long, long time ago that that wasn't acceptable and stopped dealing with him and moved on with my life. Well, he started off great and then fell back into that pattern and I pulled the plug fast. I didn't tell him anything--I just blocked him everywhere and kept him in the past where he belongs. I dare say that is the approach you should take. Letting him know how much this bothers you is pointless--he already knows it's not acceptable and if he wanted to do better, he'd be doing better already. He's a grown man--he doesn't need mommy scolding him. He needs to be put on ignore and left alone.
Highndry Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 (edited) He showed you who he was the first time. Now he's showing you who he is again. That old saying - "a leopard doesn't change his spots" or some such... What's the question again? Edited February 3, 2018 by Highndry
Miss Spider Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 You got the right advice but if you will permit me, I was really hoping this was a Keanu Reeves/Speed reference. Surprisingly, the solution is metaphorically the same anyway: https://y.yarn.co/e536bc25-e511-4b29-ac55-4052b7453f3b_text_hi.gif (Shoot the hostage) Ha yeah. Personally, these four words conjure City High without fail. But yeah don’t waste your words on him. He won’t care. He’ll just keep pulling this stuff as long as he wants to and you keep letting him. He doesn’t care and neither should you. I’m sorry you got involved with someone like this.
act00 Posted February 3, 2018 Posted February 3, 2018 You gave it a second shot, he's doing the exact same thing, and I think you probably expected it. You were cautiously hopeful, probably let yourself get a little too hopeful, and here he is again doing the same thing. It's really not worth the confrontation. You can officially pull the plug by telling him you are not interested in dating someone who is unavailable, but it won't make a difference to him. Simply stop contacting him or expecting him to be around on the weekends. Your choices are to accept what he has to offer and take it when you can get it and have a little fun, or just end it. I don't think I would bother saying anything, just fade out. If he contacts you to see you, tell him you can't. I don't know that a full nuclear block is a requirement, but feel free to do that too if you must. 2
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