d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Money is such a sticky subject. I go by the person who asked should pay. That said, as the man expect you will get stuck with the check but if the lady offers just say yes. As a woman, I assume the guy who asked me will pay but I always have enough cash or credit cards to pay for the whole thing plus take a cab home if things really go south.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Who pays on second date? Uh, whoever extended the invitation - obviously.
carhill Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Back when I was dating the way (the second date described here) it usually went was I covered dinner and the lady would grab tickets to the cinema or theater. If it was theater with dinner included I handled that. In this case, since you're driving 200 miles round trip, I doubt she'll be offended by covering the movie tickets. Then play it by ear. Back when my exW and I were dating, after we knew we'd be together, and with 120 mile roundtrips involved, we'd switch off. Whoever was on home turf was the host and covered the date. However, as she was an excellent cook, she often preferred to entertain at home and got no complaints from me Drive safe! What I hated about the LD deal was combining any adult beverages with the deal. It was much easier once we started spending nights at each other's places. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I offer to pay, but it's extremely rare that a man goes for it. If I were a man, I'd pay for 100% of dates. Otherwise, you look kinda cheap compared to other men. In my experience when you live far away, it tends to be more like the man drives 2/3 of the time and the woman 1/3. 2
newyorker11356 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I offer to pay, but it's extremely rare that a man goes for it. If I were a man, I'd pay for 100% of dates. Otherwise, you look kinda cheap compared to other men. In my experience when you live far away, it tends to be more like the man drives 2/3 of the time and the woman 1/3. To me, it's quite the opposite. I think a woman (most at least that work that is) would wonder if a man has some sort of a complex to not allow a woman to sometimes pay for a date. It would actually be a turnoff for some women. 1
Interstellar Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 The man should always pay. Plus, I want to make a good impression and like the previous poster said don’t want to give off the impression that I’m a cheapskate. Bringing up the topic of splitting the money or money on dates is in poor taste too. Unless she truly insist on paying as in feverishly fighting to pay for her half then I would let her pay but I’m also gonna think that she’s a feminist and/or her interest in me isn’t very high as she doesn’t want to be beholden to me. 2
Miss Spider Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 To me, it's quite the opposite. I think a woman (most at least that work that is) would wonder if a man has some sort of a complex to not allow a woman to sometimes pay for a date. It would actually be a turnoff for some women. exactly. Guy pays for date - chauvinist Guy doesn't pay for date- cheap You can't win, Opie, just do what's best for your wallet. 1
newyorker11356 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 The man should always pay. Plus, I want to make a good impression and like the previous poster said don’t want to give off the impression that I’m a cheapskate. Bringing up the topic of splitting the money or money on dates is in poor taste too. Unless she truly insist on paying as in feverishly fighting to pay for her half then I would let her pay but I’m also gonna think that she’s a feminist and/or her interest in me isn’t very high as she doesn’t want to be beholden to me. Posts like these make me believe that some men have become so indoctrinated into thinking that they always have to pay on dates, or else the woman will think they are cheap. Sad...
Ruby Slippers Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 To me, it's quite the opposite. I think a woman (most at least that work that is) would wonder if a man has some sort of a complex to not allow a woman to sometimes pay for a date. It would actually be a turnoff for some women. It's sad if that's what "modern" women think. It's like those women who get angry when a man is polite and opens the door. Why would anybody want to date someone this bitter and angry, anyway? 3
Interstellar Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Posts like these make me believe that some men have become so indoctrinated into thinking that they always have to pay on dates, or else the woman will think they are cheap. Sad... It’s not about becoming indoctrinated by the anti-feminist movement. Money is not the issue here. I look at is as chivalry, old fashion chivalry. Now, let’s say on date number four or whatever and she insist on buying me ice cream then that’s a positive because it shows she’s a giver. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Okay I will give my opinion because I am a woman with a serious hang up about the paying for dates thing. I really do not want a guy to pay for my meal. It's not to do with the money exactly. It doesn't matter if it's $5 or $300, I don't think someone should have to pay for my company. It is not a transaction. We are two people meeting to have fun together and enjoy our time together. I understand chivalry and standing next to the road on the side walk and opening doors (I open doors for guys too when they come in behind me), but I do not like the idea of guy, particularly one who has never even met me or I even know likes me, buying me something just to to spend time with me. It almost feels like prostitution to me or something. I graciously accept and appreciate the gesture, but I really wish it wasn't there in the first place. It’s almost like it comes from a time men had most of the money(?) Edited February 2, 2018 by Cookiesandough 5
CptInsano Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I never minded paying, since I could afford it and never did OLD, so I didn't have a lot of dates with strangers. The number of my dates that were not part of a relationship is actually quite small. A few women just wouldn't let me pay, and that is fine, too. As long as I offered I was generally fine. The only time it irked me was when I was dating somebody who earned a lot less money than I. Something she had to save for would just have been a line item in my entertainment budget. I didn't want her to have to cut back on something else just to see me, but she pretty much got angry when I wouldn't split the bill. 2
alphamale Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Kentucky I think you should pay for the second date then let her pay for the 3rd date
greymatter Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 The man should always pay. Plus, I want to make a good impression and like the previous poster said don’t want to give off the impression that I’m a cheapskate. Bringing up the topic of splitting the money or money on dates is in poor taste too. Unless she truly insist on paying as in feverishly fighting to pay for her half then I would let her pay but I’m also gonna think that she’s a feminist and/or her interest in me isn’t very high as she doesn’t want to be beholden to me. That is a very limited view of what feminism is about. As is your view that the man should always pay and what is and isn't in poor taste. These thoughts are merely your opinion and don't apply to all men, and such attitudes can certainly affect the types of women you attract. But hey, to each his own. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Cookiesandough, I felt the same way as you in my 20s and hardly let even my boyfriend pay for anything. Then I learned some things and changed my tune. The basic idea is that one of men's primary biological directives is to provide. I've found that the best men embrace this directive fully. Those men feel something is off if them providing is not needed and appreciated. In my experience, it's only deadbeats and "male feminists" who embrace women paying, and I have no interest in those types of men. More here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtship Courtship is a time-honored social contract. The woman has her part as well. Letting a man "court" you and pay for dates means you're not talking to other dudes and you're serious about forming a relationship with him. I realize that a lot of women these days abuse this social contract, but I'm not one of them. 3
No_Go Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Yeah I agree here. It did make sense at the times that women were not working. Now it is obsolete. But there is something worse about it: it sets *power dynamics*. This is true and real: I know because I often pay (for guys, for friends) and know the feeling from first person. Since last year, I've had been on primarily free/almost free dates (hikes, city walks, fast food etc) and I feel SO much better. No tension, no power games, no fake reaches, no fake chivalry. I seriously think expensive get together should NOT be part of early stages of dating (first 3 months or so) whatsoever. They do more harm than good. Best dates focus on the person and NOT the venue anyway... Okay I will give my opinion because I am a woman with a serious hang up about the paying for dates thing. I really do not want a guy to pay for my meal. It's not to do with the money exactly. It doesn't matter if it's $5 or $300, I don't think someone should have to pay for my company. It is not a transaction. We are two people meeting to have fun together and enjoy our time together. I understand chivalry and standing next to the road on the side walk and opening doors (I open doors for guys too when they come in behind me), but I do not like the idea of guy, particularly one who has never even met me or I even know likes me, buying me something just to to spend time with me. It almost feels like prostitution to me or something. I graciously accept and appreciate the gesture, but I really wish it wasn't there in the first place. It’s almost like it comes from a time men had most of the money(?) 2
Sara1989 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 It is difficult as a woman I feel a man should pay for the first date but afterwards a split 50,50 seems fair. I am dating a man at the moment who has payed for the majority of our dates. We have a fourth date Sunday but he admitted he is short of money so I will likely repay the favour and buy us lunch I think. Most girls would offer to half the bill after a first or second date anyway.
Steve51 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 The answer is that the guy pays for every date. That is what a gentleman does. If he cannot afford it he gets a job after school like I did instead of playing video games. If he is working full time then plan your dates so that you will have the money to pay for them. I also open doors for women, give up my seat on a crowded train and come to their aid when needed. Maybe that is why I got a lot of 3rd and more dates. Maybe that is why I always had a girlfriend since I was 14. Maybe that is why my wife agreed to marry me after only 3 weeks from the day we met. Maybe that is why we are married 45 years. Maybe that is why I have had a great sex life with most girls I dated being the one to initiate sex. 3
newyorker11356 Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) The answer is that the guy pays for every date. That is what a gentleman does. If he cannot afford it he gets a job after school like I did instead of playing video games. If he is working full time then plan your dates so that you will have the money to pay for them. I also open doors for women, give up my seat on a crowded train and come to their aid when needed. Maybe that is why I got a lot of 3rd and more dates. Maybe that is why I always had a girlfriend since I was 14. Maybe that is why my wife agreed to marry me after only 3 weeks from the day we met. Maybe that is why we are married 45 years. Maybe that is why I have had a great sex life with most girls I dated being the one to initiate sex. Funny, I don't pay for every date (though I usually pay a lot, if not, most of the time), and it's never hindered me. Women (ones I've dated) actually appreciate the fact that I don't make a huge ordeal about always paying when they're able and want to. Then again, it seems like you were born in the early 1950's (51?), so your post doesn't surprise me. Who pays what should depend on the couple involved. I think the general rule (though, not always) is if the man invites you out, then you pay. If the woman (assuming she has a job and works) invites you out, then she does. Edited February 2, 2018 by newyorker11356
carhill Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Older men are more rigidly indoctrinated into the 'man must pay' because they were socialized during a time when men generally started working young, went out and made their mark, married and supported their wives and kids. The women generally only worked while single and then at more subsistence jobs, compared to the man. During my juvenile life my mom worked her butt off but never made a living wage, though she had worked for 20 years prior to getting married, first on the farm, then building airplanes, then as a model and saleswoman. Still, dad paid for everything, she quit working when I was born and managed the house after that and that dynamic was what I was socialized into from a young age. Even pre-puberty if a girl and I went roller skating at the rink, it was my responsibility as a young gentleman to pay the fifty cents or so for her entrance and skate rental. Hence, young men were indoctrinated into work at a young age, in my case 8 or so when I first started throwing papers. Things are completely different now and were even when my exW and I were dating. She made a good living from her business and was happy to share dating expenses. My recollection is the only date I for sure paid for was our first one. After that it all went smooth. That's one way to tell if two people mesh IMO. These little things don't get a lot of play. It just flows. Edited February 2, 2018 by carhill 3
Shining One Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Do not ASK her to pay. She should, and probably will, offer. If she doesn't, you can decide after you go home whether or not you want to try a third date.This is the best approach. All of the women I've dated who wished to contribute did so without there being a discussion about it.Cookiesandough, I felt the same way as you in my 20s and hardly let even my boyfriend pay for anything. Then I learned some things and changed my tune. The basic idea is that one of men's primary biological directives is to provide. I've found that the best men embrace this directive fully. Those men feel something is off if them providing is not needed and appreciated. In my experience, it's only deadbeats and "male feminists" who embrace women paying, and I have no interest in those types of men.In my twenties, I was firmly in the "men should always pay" camp. Then I learned some things and changed my tune. I've found that the best women believe in contributing and those are the women I choose to pursue relationships with. 1
alphamale Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 If you asked her out, you pay. that's it in a nutshell 2
Interstellar Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) That is a very limited view of what feminism is about. As is your view that the man should always pay and what is and isn't in poor taste. These thoughts are merely your opinion and don't apply to all men, and such attitudes can certainly affect the types of women you attract. But hey, to each his own. You totally misunderstood my post. The man should always pay in the context that if he ask the woman out. Now if she wants to pay for the date, then ask me out then she gets to pay. Now if they’ve been together for awhile then you reach a certain level of comfort where each partner can contribute to the date, or the man or woman depending on the situation can pay for the entire date. This shouldn’t be an issue at that point. If I’m on a date I would never say to my date, “let’s split this”. That’s now how I was raise. You never bring the issue of money on a date lol. A complete stranger. As a man I don't know what turns her off or not, not all women are the same. You gals are quick to eliminate a guy for the tiniest of infractions. I’m there to show her a fun time. By the way, don’t insult your fellow sisters who would like to go out with a man who pulls the seat, opens doors for them, and gives up his seat in public for elderly and pregnant. They’re smart to go after that guy. Edited February 2, 2018 by Interstellar 1
preraph Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 The answer is that the guy pays for every date. That is what a gentleman does. If he cannot afford it he gets a job after school like I did instead of playing video games. If he is working full time then plan your dates so that you will have the money to pay for them. I also open doors for women, give up my seat on a crowded train and come to their aid when needed. Maybe that is why I got a lot of 3rd and more dates. Maybe that is why I always had a girlfriend since I was 14. Maybe that is why my wife agreed to marry me after only 3 weeks from the day we met. Maybe that is why we are married 45 years. Maybe that is why I have had a great sex life with most girls I dated being the one to initiate sex. Women tend to do their part if they really like you, maybe not offer to pay (or maybe) but cook you dinner, which costs just as much or more, maybe they bake you cookies or something like that (also not cheap). I hear all these guys on here who don't want to pay for dates, but my whole life, I've watched the woman put a lot into the relationship and be the one who tries to please and keep it going, so I think it's fine a man pays for dates and lets her even pick the place half the time. Trust me, when your wife pops out a baby for you, no amount of paying for her dinner is ever going to make you the one who sacrificed the most. And that's one reason why it's important men demonstrate they are solvent, because if a baby comes, they're going to need to be able to pick up the slack for awhile. So it's not as if there's no reason. 1
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