winny Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 My opinion, unless you have reason to think he isn't actually only seeing you, he sounds nice and you shouldn't rock the boat this soon. I think he simply learned some things on his last relationship and now he's wading in very carefully and not assuming he knows someone well enough to start making life commitments. It is too soon for him to be making commitments anyway. It takes a couple of years to know the real person, to see them at their worst, to see them when they're not trying to impress you and just to go through some life experiences with them and see how that goes. I think being married taught him that. I say leave him alone for the next year and just enjoy yourself unless he shows signs of cheating or just wanting sex and that's it or still seeing if he can get his ex back. A year??!! 3 months and she is bothered enough to come here and post! I don't think she can play the "oh I am so cool about this" game. Because fact is -- she is not. She wants a relationship and security and he is not ready for that right now and may never be. She needs to speak to him at least to know whether he will ever be ready for this in the distant future if things go well between them. Otherwise its a waste of time. I am surprised to see that so many people do not understand FWB relationships.... obviously because they never had one. My FWB and I were always together... bought each other gifts... went on trips together.... but it was all okay because we both were on the same page about it. No one assumed it meant something more. So just because someone is spending a lot of time with you doesn't mean they are in love with you. They are getting all benefits of a relationship with none of the responsibilities and 2 years is a long time to move on and have the maturity to know that not all women are same. How much more moving on he needs to do to be able to answer a simple question that whether this casual dating has any future or not !?
Author SarahUK Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 OP, has he dated in the past 2 years? What is his track record? He's dated but only really casually - either short flings or ONS. He was in the relationship prior to that for 4 years. We'll often sleep over at each others places (with or without sex) and he didn't even share a bed with people previously. From what I understand this is the most time he's spent with someone in quite a while. Maybe it's worth mentioning that he suffered from a bit of depression during this period of being single. He had to have surgery for a sports injury, take time away from work and started drinking too much. He's much better now and stopped the drinking in recent weeks, but I guess he was in a dark place for a little while.
Author SarahUK Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 My opinion, unless you have reason to think he isn't actually only seeing you, he sounds nice and you shouldn't rock the boat this soon. I think he simply learned some things on his last relationship and now he's wading in very carefully and not assuming he knows someone well enough to start making life commitments. It is too soon for him to be making commitments anyway. It takes a couple of years to know the real person, to see them at their worst, to see them when they're not trying to impress you and just to go through some life experiences with them and see how that goes. I think being married taught him that. I say leave him alone for the next year and just enjoy yourself unless he shows signs of cheating or just wanting sex and that's it or still seeing if he can get his ex back. Thanks PreRaph, I trust him completely and have no concerns about him seeing anyone else. If he goes out with the guys he's messaging me and checking in. Little things like that that he does makes me think this is more than a FWB agreement in his mind. I'll bide my time for the next couple of months and then being it up for discussion again. 3
Author SarahUK Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 You're right, last time she brought it up it was 2 months ago. I guess for some people 2 months is a long time, not to me. I don't think a man with commitment issues has time to build enough trust in a new girlfriend in 2 months to change his mind. They're still in the early stage, they probably did not even have their first disagreement. A man that has been in such tempestuous relationship in the past will need tangible proofs from a new girlfriend like seeing how she behaves during a disagreement or any sort of tough time. He promised himself he will not get caught in that type of drama again. I guess I just wanted some outside perspective. It's not that I'm afraid of bringing up the topic of conversation per se but I second the thought that two months is not a long time - it's a matter of weeks really and I don't want to bring up the same thing over and over. I'll bide my time for a couple more months and see. Since we had the conversation previously, I feel like we've gotten to know each other a lot more and started spending a lot of time together. I'm pretty happy with the situation as is, it's just the title that confuses me but as another respondent said, having the official "girlfriend" label isn't really going to change anything in the day to day.
central Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 The label doesn't matter, at least for now. Eventually, though, you do want to know his intentions for your mutual future. If they don't include the kind of relationship you want, you will have to decide what to do about that. 1
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 I guess I just wanted some outside perspective. It's not that I'm afraid of bringing up the topic of conversation per se but I second the thought that two months is not a long time - it's a matter of weeks really and I don't want to bring up the same thing over and over. I'll bide my time for a couple more months and see. Since we had the conversation previously, I feel like we've gotten to know each other a lot more and started spending a lot of time together. I'm pretty happy with the situation as is, it's just the title that confuses me but as another respondent said, having the official "girlfriend" label isn't really going to change anything in the day to day. I don't beleive he sees you as a fwb but after reading this additionnal information l am thinking you're his rebound relationship. Di not invest more than another couple of months in this.
lana-banana Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Wow, this sounds almost exactly what a girlfriend of mine is experiencing. She was dating a guy for 3 months. They spent every weekend together, the holidays alone together, introduced some family, etc...but he told her repeatedly he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. He had broken up with a long-term ex some months before and said he just didn't want a girlfriend, period. When she asked him what that meant, he shut down the conversation and didn't speak to her for five days (!!) I told her to ditch him, but it doesn't seem like she listened. Why would a guy be so exclusive and serious but be so stubborn about the "girlfriend" title? Isn't it effectively the same thing? I think it's a means of circumscribing the relationship. It's basically telling the girl this is never going to be more than what it is right now. It also gives him an excuse to cut and run at a moment's notice, because why not? He can say "we were never boyfriend and girlfriend!" I think in my friend's case, and possibly yours too, it's an unintentional rebound situation. The guy knows he doesn't feel ready for something more serious yet, but misses all the attendant benefits of being in a relationship. The problem is these circumstances rarely end with the guy realizing he's ready to get serious with his current partner. 99% of the time they're only ready to get serious when they meet someone else. Edited February 2, 2018 by lana-banana 6
winny Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 Why do these kind of guys always have a crazy ex-girlfriend backstory? LOL And OP, don't fall in love (although the way you are defending him I can see you already have fallen) but please know that 2 months later he may still tell you the same story of how he doesn't want a relationship. Hope for the best but be prepared for any outcome. Also, I am bit confused. If he said he doesn't want a relationship after your exclusivity talk last time, why did you accept flowers from him? Why didn't you tell him that these gestures will confuse you so better not do them if he doesn't want a relationship. Why are you allowing him to spend so much time with you? Create some space... make him miss you.
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