SarahUK Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I've been dating this guy for three months now. After the first month, we had the exclusivity talk and decided we both only wanted to see each other. I think the world of him and he is always reiterating how much he likes me too. From the beginning, we'd see each other 2-3 times per week. The last couple of weeks it's been almost every day and we've became pretty much inseparable. I recently went away for two weeks on business and he would call me every day telling me how much he missed me. He does sweet little things like show up unexpectedly with flowers as I'm finishing work and helping me with various life admin things. The only problem? From the beginning he said he didn't want a relationship. His ex girlfriend had some mental issues and tried to commit suicide. Seems he went through a lot of turbulent times with her. She was also fixated on getting married and put a lot of pressure on for it after just a short time. I understand what he went through, but I'm not her so seems like a cop out. I'm late 20s and he's early 30s. In the beginning I was fine with just dating exclusively but things seem to be progressing which is making me confused. I'm constantly wary about catching too many feelings if he doesn't want something serious with me. All of his friends know about me but I haven't met his family and he just introduces me by name not as his girlfriend. I know I should probably have a conversation with him about where he sees it going, just wanted an outside perspective. I haven't bought it up since our exclusivity talk when he mentioned his commitment issues but we are having such a great time together, and feelings are growing stronger so I also partially feel like I should just enjoy the ride. I'm nervous about being someone who is constantly bringing up a topic of "what are we? Where is this going?" I know any women's mag would tell me that if he won't call me his girlfriend, he's "just not that into you" but I don't know since we are together all the time.
central Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I think you need to discuss this with him, unless you just want to assume you're exclusive FWB with no further potential. 4
stillafool Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 In the beginning I was fine with just dating exclusively but things seem to be progressing which is making me confused. I'm constantly wary about catching too many feelings if he doesn't want something serious with me. Yes he is the one you need to talk to about this. Just tell him the above and see where he's at in this. If he still is not ready for a relationship don't waste anymore of your time. 2
Author SarahUK Posted February 1, 2018 Author Posted February 1, 2018 I think you need to discuss this with him, unless you just want to assume you're exclusive FWB with no further potential. I know you're right. It's just so bizarre to me if that's what he's thinking (Fwb) that he'd spend so much of his free time with me I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'll bring it up.
winny Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I know you're right. It's just so bizarre to me if that's what he's thinking (Fwb) that he'd spend so much of his free time with me I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'll bring it up. I think he has already been clear to you that yiu cannot be his GF. So it is a FWB situation at this point. If you want something more you will have to talk to him. Don’t assume anything. 3
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 When you started dating how long he had been single?
Author SarahUK Posted February 1, 2018 Author Posted February 1, 2018 When you started dating how long he had been single? Two years!
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 Two years! That is a very reasonable amount of time but he has not made peace with it yet. Because he spends a lot of time with you, because he's sweet and helpful, he introduced you to his friends etc, I would be less harsh on him. He obviously likes you a lot otherwise he would not devote so much time being with you. Three months is just the beginning of a relationship (or a non-relationship). He's testing the water. He knows it takes a certain amount of time for a woman to show her true face. He's not sure yet you won't go ape-sh*t on him. Are you willing to give him more time? I think you should let another 3 months go by and reassess this when you reach 6 months dating. You are enjoying yourself, he's a full participant in your life, you are exclusive, I don't see the rush in having a title. What would a title change in your day to day life? Not much. I have a feeling if you give him a bit of time he'll be the one asking for a title. 2
winny Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 That is a very reasonable amount of time but he has not made peace with it yet. Because he spends a lot of time with you, because he's sweet and helpful, he introduced you to his friends etc, I would be less harsh on him. He obviously likes you a lot otherwise he would not devote so much time being with you. Three months is just the beginning of a relationship (or a non-relationship). He's testing the water. He knows it takes a certain amount of time for a woman to show her true face. He's not sure yet you won't go ape-sh*t on him. Are you willing to give him more time? I think you should let another 3 months go by and reassess this when you reach 6 months dating. You are enjoying yourself, he's a full participant in your life, you are exclusive, I don't see the rush in having a title. What would a title change in your day to day life? Not much. I have a feeling if you give him a bit of time he'll be the one asking for a title. I think the title would give her mental peace — the most important thing in the whole world. 1
Jj66 Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 The flowers and inseparable nature of this show me you aren't his FWB. You are his girlfriend. But seems like he has some commitment fears that prevent him from giving you a title that implies a long term commitment in his mind. At 3 months together that is still fairly early in the relationship. I would urge some patience as long as he is treating you like a girlfriend which he apparently is. One question: Do his family know about you, even if you haven't been introduced yet. If they know about you then rest assured that you are girlfriend in everything but name. 2
Author SarahUK Posted February 1, 2018 Author Posted February 1, 2018 That is a very reasonable amount of time but he has not made peace with it yet. Because he spends a lot of time with you, because he's sweet and helpful, he introduced you to his friends etc, I would be less harsh on him. He obviously likes you a lot otherwise he would not devote so much time being with you. Three months is just the beginning of a relationship (or a non-relationship). He's testing the water. He knows it takes a certain amount of time for a woman to show her true face. He's not sure yet you won't go ape-sh*t on him. Are you willing to give him more time? I think you should let another 3 months go by and reassess this when you reach 6 months dating. You are enjoying yourself, he's a full participant in your life, you are exclusive, I don't see the rush in having a title. What would a title change in your day to day life? Not much. I have a feeling if you give him a bit of time he'll be the one asking for a title. Thanks Gaeta, you could be right. I'm very happy in his company, always clear on when were seeing each other and trust him completely so that could be it. I don't want to scare him away or come across crazy by constantly bringing up the "what are we" talk.
Author SarahUK Posted February 1, 2018 Author Posted February 1, 2018 The flowers and inseparable nature of this show me you aren't his FWB. You are his girlfriend. But seems like he has some commitment fears that prevent him from giving you a title that implies a long term commitment in his mind. At 3 months together that is still fairly early in the relationship. I would urge some patience as long as he is treating you like a girlfriend which he apparently is. One question: Do his family know about you, even if you haven't been introduced yet. If they know about you then rest assured that you are girlfriend in everything but name. Thank you JJ. I think you're right. His parents know about me (and he's always telling me that his Mum asks questions!) 1
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I think the title would give her mental peace — the most important thing in the whole world. Some women come on here looking for a title. Sometimes by reading their story you can tell the relationship isn't secure, the man has one foot in and one foot out. In those cases the 'title' is to ease their insecurities instead of facing their relationship is lacking something. OP's guy seems all in. He actually acts a lot more like a boyfriend to her than some 'real boyfriends' do. She should get her peace of mind in the fact he treats her very good and they have a great connection. 1
Author SarahUK Posted February 1, 2018 Author Posted February 1, 2018 I think the title would give her mental peace — the most important thing in the whole world. Despite not having an official title, I have to say that I trust him completely. I know that he'd never do anything to hurt me and I don't worry about what he's up to when we're not together. I guess it was just about the worry that I was being delusional but maybe I should bide my time a little more.
Space Ritual Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I know any women's mag would tell me that if he won't call me his girlfriend, he's "just not that into you" but I don't know since we are together all the time. We all know that Cosmopolitan has a lot of Journalistic "Integrity"...(Not) Please take it easy with him. If his past relationship was as awful as you wrote, then he is very afraid to make the public and formal commitment. Because it was probably such an integral part of his last relationship, he wants to know for sure. You've been dating the guy for 3 months. As far as you know he may already assume that you are in a commitment phase. Again, since he had his heart ripped out the last time around, I would not expect him to go into this with you at anything less than at his comfort speed. 1
she'stheone Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 Hi SarahUK, I'm sorry to hear your struggling in your relationship. I don't want to scare him away or come across crazy by constantly bringing up the "what are we" talk. This is one of the biggest problems in relationships between men and women. We have something that is bothering us and we don't communicate with our partner, because we're afraid of scaring them off. This man told you he had issues up front and that he didn't want a girlfriend. I had a similar conversation with my girlfriend (I was just divorced after a 16 year marriage when we met). Here's the difference though, WE always communicated (and still do). It was due to that communication that we ended up moving in together. When she wanted something more, she told me and I was ready, so we moved forward. If I wasn't then we might not be together today. There is no TIME limit on being ready. If YOU are ready, let him know. It doesn't have to be difficult or confrontational. Simply ask "I was wondering where you see things going with us" If he says he's still not ready, you have your answer and can act accordingly. (If you're willing to give him more time fine, if not, that's OK too). This man may NEVER be ready or he may feel that he's found the one and he is totally ready. You probably won't ever find out if you don't ask. Another issue of not asking is, as your post shows, you are NOT OK, with the status quo and not asking and just waiting and hoping will probably damage your relationship slowly from the inside out. We all need to stop fearing communication with our partners just because we're afraid we won't like the answer. The answer will set you free even if it's an answer you don't like. Sending you much love and light 2
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 We all need to stop fearing communication with our partners just because we're afraid we won't like the answer. The answer will set you free even if it's an answer you don't like. She doesn't fear communication, she did communicate with him her thoughts and she got his answer and he even explained to her why. The communication part is done. Now she needs to decide what she's gonna do with his answer and explanation. I think the man has proven he deserves another 3 months and then she reassesses.
she'stheone Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 She doesn't fear communication, she did communicate with him her thoughts and she got his answer and he even explained to her why. The communication part is done. Now she needs to decide what she's gonna do with his answer and explanation. I think the man has proven he deserves another 3 months and then she reassesses. Hi Gaeta, She brought it up two months ago and has NOT brought it up since, even though it has been weighing on her. I don't want to scare him away or come across crazy by constantly bringing up the "what are we" talk. This clearly shows she's afraid of communication. Communication is NEVER done. Not ever. It's thinking that communication is done that causes so many problems in a relationship. Even if we break up with someone that is still communication (or lack there of when we just disappear). She's on here asking what she should do and what her relationship is because she is unclear and is afraid to ask him. I don't want to scare him away or come across crazy by constantly bringing up the "what are we" talk. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve more time, what I am saying is, if we want to know what is going on, we can simply ask, listen closely and have our answer. If she asks an doesn't like the answer, she can still give him more time, that is entirely up to her. Being afraid to ask is a completely different story. Love and light 1
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 She brought it up two months ago and has NOT brought it up since, even though it has been weighing on her. You're right, last time she brought it up it was 2 months ago. I guess for some people 2 months is a long time, not to me. I don't think a man with commitment issues has time to build enough trust in a new girlfriend in 2 months to change his mind. They're still in the early stage, they probably did not even have their first disagreement. A man that has been in such tempestuous relationship in the past will need tangible proofs from a new girlfriend like seeing how she behaves during a disagreement or any sort of tough time. He promised himself he will not get caught in that type of drama again.
she'stheone Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 You're right, last time she brought it up it was 2 months ago. I guess for some people 2 months is a long time, not to me. I don't think a man with commitment issues has time to build enough trust in a new girlfriend in 2 months to change his mind. They're still in the early stage, they probably did not even have their first disagreement. A man that has been in such tempestuous relationship in the past will need tangible proofs from a new girlfriend like seeing how she behaves during a disagreement or any sort of tough time. He promised himself he will not get caught in that type of drama again. I agree with you that this man is probably not ready and almost everything you just posted. The OP is in pain over this and unless she can get past that pain (which will be hard to do on "short notice") it will probably create serious friction in the relationship, which will cause him to run anyway. I think that would be a worse result (she'll be even more invested) than to ask, get her answer, for better or worse, and then decide what she wants. Either way, she should probably do some personal development and spirituality work around this (Which I recommend in almost all of my posts...not sure why I didn't on this one:confused:). Love and light
kendahke Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) If it's not a relationship, what is it? Intimate proximity without investment of vulnerabilities. From the beginning he said he didn't want a relationship. He's not going to let himself get so vulnerable that he lets you in... on that level, he probably doesn't trust you or any woman, given what his ex did to him. He's not ready to be in a relationship.... he's ready for some sex on demand, but not much else. Edited February 1, 2018 by kendahke
central Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I know you're right. It's just so bizarre to me if that's what he's thinking (Fwb) that he'd spend so much of his free time with me I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'll bring it up. He must really like you, even if he doesn't want a full-on relationship. I've been very close with my FWBs, and we were - and are still - close friends. We'd do many social things together - it was far from being just about sex. Yes, you should discuss things with him, and figure out what you are to him - and what you want for yourself. If you want more and he does not, then you should at least consider starting to date others, whether or not you continue seeing him in any capacity. 2
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 OP, has he dated in the past 2 years? What is his track record?
preraph Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 My opinion, unless you have reason to think he isn't actually only seeing you, he sounds nice and you shouldn't rock the boat this soon. I think he simply learned some things on his last relationship and now he's wading in very carefully and not assuming he knows someone well enough to start making life commitments. It is too soon for him to be making commitments anyway. It takes a couple of years to know the real person, to see them at their worst, to see them when they're not trying to impress you and just to go through some life experiences with them and see how that goes. I think being married taught him that. I say leave him alone for the next year and just enjoy yourself unless he shows signs of cheating or just wanting sex and that's it or still seeing if he can get his ex back. 2
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