Perpetual Sadness

[califlorgian]

I will explain my entire story later tonight, finally. I have been meaning to talk about it on here for a long time. But I just lurk and get help from other posts and replies because a lot of people in here seem to be going through very similar things.

 

I just cannot get away from him. No matter how many fall outs we have. How many times I get angry with him. How many empty promises he makes. I really just don't feel that he is lying. Maybe.... I don't want to sound like an idiot, but there really is a whole lot to the situation I need to explain.

 

I keep going back. I keep telling him, alright, this is it. This is the last week. I am gone after this. But, like a naive, sad little puppy.... I remain loyal no matter what he does. Why be loyal to someone who isn't loyal to you? Why do I allow myself to feel so bad when I know I deserve so much more... he always says I deserve a lot better.

 

He persued me so much. I told him (and I was VERY adament about it) that I NEVER date married men. We became friends and got close as friends. Then something happened. I don't know if it was how he opened up so much to me.... cried in front of me.... told me he had never felt like this before (along with everything else he was telling me), cried more..... But we got together. Since then, I have lost control and he has so much power over me. I was so independent and it makes me physically ill knowing that I have let a man have such power and control over MY emotions and feelings and general well-being.

 

My entire life has flipped upside down. I quit my job for the last time last night (I keep quitting for various reasons). We worked together and brought a lot of drama into the work place and it became a very bad environment to work in. We are still talking though. I keep telling him that I can't do it anymore. But I continue to talk to him. Call him. Let him come over. "Plan" things with him.

 

I feel so bad for his wife. She is just as broken up over the whole thing as I am. We have talked.... several times. I will explain that later as well. She doesn't want to be with him... but they have two small children.... and have been together for 13 years. I am sure she is as suckered into his lies (though I don't like to think he is lying to me... I technically haven't "caught" him in a lie...) as I am. But she has caught him.... blatantly. He never stops lying to her. Basically everything he tells her is a lie. He comes up with elaborate stories for where he has been. He even popped his own tire and had his car towed once so he could use that as an excuse for where he was all night. She thinks he might be a pathological liar.... I don't know.... He does lie to her about stupid things as well as big things. He lies about things he doesn't need to lie about. Maybe he is a pathological liar. I really do NOT think he has lied to me... about his feelings at least. Or anything. Gosh, he is so up front and honest with me, it seems. Maybe I am trying to convince myself that he has never lied to me because deep down inside, I believe he has. But I dont.... I dont think.....

 

This guy also has a history of cheating. Cheated on his first wife with 4 women and his wife now with 6. How can a person who seems so incredibly sweet, caring, loving and honest do that to someone? Someone they made vows to?

 

Sorry for all the rambling. I am just so hurt and confused right now and I don't know what to do. Nobody, not even my ex who hit me, has ever made me feel as sad and low as this man. Why do I allow him to have this power over me? How can I stop? I don't know what to do. I love him so much.... but this pain is unbearable. Why do I keep talking to him? How do I have NC? It seems virtually impossible to allow NC between him and I. I can't do it. I am such a weak person..... gosh..... If I had insurance and money I would persue professional help... because I am on the verge of yet another breakdown.... and I don't know what to do.... I am so foolish and such an emotional wreck..... What did I ever do to deserve this??

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by califlorgian

I am just so hurt and confused right now and I don't know what to do. Nobody, not even my ex who hit me, has ever made me feel as sad and low as this man. Why do I allow him to have this power over me? How can I stop? I don't know what to do. I love him so much.... but this pain is unbearable. Why do I keep talking to him? How do I have NC? It seems virtually impossible to allow NC between him and I. I can't do it. I am such a weak person..... gosh..... If I had insurance and money I would persue professional help... because I am on the verge of yet another breakdown.... and I don't know what to do.... I am so foolish and such an emotional wreck..... What did I ever do to deserve this??

 

Okay, now that you've written all of your emotions out here, read your post back to yourself. There are many of us out here who feel the same way. The point you have to get to now is how the overall affair has made you feel-BAD. The MM I am/was with was wonderful for a long time, but since I asked him to tell his wife about me, he is so angry at me. Not answering or returning calls, talking with detest in his voice to me, making sarcastic cracks, you name it, and I NEVER thought he would ever have this in him.

 

You spoke with his wife and know he is a LIAR and CHEATER. At least you got to hear that from his wife and get another view on who this guy is. You say you love him, and maybe you do, but it doesn't matter. Don't let anyone make you feel like this. Hon, this isn't love-it sounds like misery to me. Believe me, I know how you feel. These affairs usually don't come to anything good. Just try not to talk to him, and let him go emotionally abuse some other girl. Why does it have to be you?

[joodee]

Sounds like how my life was, and kind of still is, cause I still hear from my ex-mm and I see him at work a few days a week (he's not in the same department).

 

Focus on being aware that he is a liar and a cheater. Keep that in mind when you talk to him.

 

I do feel for you, you want to believe that this isn't happening to you, that one day it will all change, that he will change, that he will someday tell you that it's you he truly loves...I know, I think deep down I still hope for that. And I am aware that my ex-mm cheats on his wife, cheats on me with other women, and lies to everyone about it. So don't feel alone, I know exactly how you feel.

 

Most cities and counties have some type of agency that can refer one to a low-cost/no cost counseling center, I would try to find out. I was lucky in that the college I have a class at had a counseling center, and the therapist there made sure I saw her every week to help me get clear on the situation and take steps to improve my self-worth. Tell yourself over and over that you don't want to be a mistress anymore. That might help. And post here too, it helps.

 

[zoey15]

damn we have a lot in common. I used to be physically abused by my ex as well. And my MM has two kids also. He also has been with his W for over 10 years.

 

Okay now to help you. Why do you remain loyal to this guy?

 

Why don't you step out of that loyalty and meet someone new? Have you tried this?

 

I think the advice joodee gives about the counseling is great. You should definitely look into it.

 

But in the meantime, you should keep busy.

 

Make new friends and ask for help from the old friends.

 

These married men are never gonna give us what we want, even if they did leave their wives/husbands.

 

They would do the same to us!

 

What would you do if he left her for you? Would you be happy? Would you want him?

 

I know I wouldn't! I wouldn't know what to do w/ him. He'd be interfering in my life.

[califlorgian]

Wow, thank all 3 of you so much. It really helps to hear those things. It's helping me to put things in perspective. I just.... I wish I was freaking stronger. I am so weak. I know what I have to do and I will attempt to do it. But I know as soon as I see his number calling my phone or as soon as I hear him knocking on my door, I will melt and just ignore the bad and relish the good. Gosh.... what is WRONG with me. I think I definitely will look that up and see if I can get a funded therapist or whatever is available. I need to.

 

Now I will answer your questions, zoey. I don't know why I remain loyal to him. I haven't a clue. I have somewhat considered maybe going out and meeting someone new and going on dates. But I don't want to rebound. If a guy tells me the right things or if I feel some kind of strong connection, I can fall too fast. Especially if I rebound from him. I was basically still rebounding from a year and a half long relationship with my first love when i met him.... so I probably have never healed correctly from that.

 

If he left her for me.... I would be elated. I don't know what would happen or how long it would last though. Because I have a strong feeling that once he finally is away from her for a little while he is going to miss her and their kids like crazy and get back together with her. Once you are away from someone for a while you tend to forget the bad things about the relationship and just remember the good. I know he would end up going back to her... I can feel it. I would love to be with him..... I would be happy with him. Oh man.... I don't know anything....

 

Thank you guys so much.

[califlorgian]

Okay.... now that I think about it, I don't know how happy I would be if he did leave her for me. I would be happy I guess. But, ultimately, I wouldn't want him leaving his marriage for me. I would want him to leave because of all the problems he says they have been having for 4 years. But I am starting to doubt those problems even existed and maybe this is more of a midlife crisis sort of thing. After I talked to his w, it seemed like they were fine most of the time. And she was sweeter than I could have ever imagined she would be. I feel so bad for continuing this affair after I talked to her.

 

Basically... if he was going to leave her, I would want him to leave for the reasons he said he was going to leave and not for me. If he left for me, I am sure he would end up resenting me for it and I don't want that. Plus... I would forever have such a guilty conscience for breaking up a family.

[newbby]

hey cali,

he has involved you in his games and it isnt fair.

cali, could you handle being with somebody who has an inability to be faithful?

i know that you love him, but what do you want and need in your relationships?

you are not happy, neither would you be happy if he left his wife. you would be happy if he left his wife, but not if he left his wife for you. even if that improbable outcome happened, you would then not be happy as he has cheated on every one he has ever been with.

i felt exactly the same with my exmm, i realised that it was hopeless, but i was addicted to it. i am pretty sure that even had the impossible happened and he had been with me, i would still not have been happy because i would have feared the commitment.

i think you need to get to the root of why you are hooked into a relationship that gives you absolutely no chance of success.

is this the relationship you have dreamed of? one that does not make you happy?

why? you sound like a good person and you sound intelligent, what is keeping you from having a mature and loving relationship with a mature and honest person?

[RecordProducer]

A beautiful and young girl like you should have some idiot lying to her and cheating on his wife, someone who will sting her along and never marry her. That's good. Just continue the relationship with him and you'll be very happy long-term. You're in love and you'll never get over him, just relax and fall into his hands and be faithful to him!

[califlorgian]

um....

 

 

 

 

thanks, rp......

[zoey15]

A beautiful and young girl like you should have some idiot lying to her and cheating on his wife, someone who will sting her along and never marry her. That's good. Just continue the relationship with him and you'll be very happy long-term. You're in love and you'll never get over him, just relax and fall into his hands and be faithful to him!

 

I've been noticing that RP is a very hostile person when he/she posts, so don't let that bother you Cali.

 

First thing you need to do is make a decision. Really think about if you want him gone.

 

If you decide yes, then tell him to leave you alone.

 

You will need to cut all ties w/ him. All ties!!!

 

Tell him not to come visit you (but mean it when you tell him). Change your cell number if you have to.

 

You don't work w/ him anymore, so you won't see him there.

 

But you have to be 100% sure you don't want to see him anymore and I know this can be hard.

 

You need to keep busy every minute of the first few weeks.

 

Is there anyway you can leave town? This is how I got over the abusive ex.

 

I left town for three months (well that's cause he threated to kill me, but anyway), even if you can get away for a week or two. If not maybe a weekend.

 

The best advice I can give you is that ultimately you have to really not want to see him anymore for your well being.

 

You need to know deep in your heart that you don't want to be treated that way no matter how much your hurting!

 

We have all been through it before and it is the worst pain, but it's so worth it in the end.

 

We'll be here for you......

 

even if you don't leave him and you keep putting up w/ the bull****.

 

We'll still be her for you to help you through the sad times.

 

Oh yea, I still say get another guy to distract you. Don't stay loyal to this jerk.

 

You don't have to jump into bed or a relationship w/ a new guy, just get a really good looking "friend" who can distract you for a while.

 

Don't tell the hottie your troubles though. You might scare him.

 

Go find one tonight w/ the girls. All it takes is a cute outfit and a smile and someone will ask for your number. You know it too, so don't be so down on yourself.

 

Seriously, this guy doesn't deserve all the confusion and pain!

[jadeblossom]

I don't think RP is hostile, or has ever been hostile ever. Quite the opposite actually. She was just trying to give cali a wake up call as to the reality of the situation. It's a very stark reality that blinds the person involved, and when people outside can see it, their insight is very valuable.

 

Cali, he's been unfaithful so many times to his wife. He's got a history of cheating! If he didn't, then, yeah, I'd support and encourage you any way I can. No doubt you say he's been honest to you only, but think about it. If he ever did leave his wife for you, wouldn't you always doubt his words?

[TheDiva]

D*mn sad shame! You are too young and pretty to be waiting on a ready made family when/if he should decide to leave the wife.

 

I really don't have any words of wisdom for you. I just hope and pray you can find the strength to slam the door in his face. He is wielding too much power over you, and playing with your emotions for his own selfish reasons.

 

 

[califlorgian]

I've been noticing that RP is a very hostile person when he/she posts, so don't let that bother you Cali.

 

First thing you need to do is make a decision. Really think about if you want him gone.

 

If you decide yes, then tell him to leave you alone.

 

You will need to cut all ties w/ him. All ties!!!

 

Tell him not to come visit you (but mean it when you tell him). Change your cell number if you have to.

 

You don't work w/ him anymore, so you won't see him there.

 

But you have to be 100% sure you don't want to see him anymore and I know this can be hard.

 

You need to keep busy every minute of the first few weeks.

 

Is there anyway you can leave town? This is how I got over the abusive ex.

 

I left town for three months (well that's cause he threated to kill me, but anyway), even if you can get away for a week or two. If not maybe a weekend.

 

The best advice I can give you is that ultimately you have to really not want to see him anymore for your well being.

 

You need to know deep in your heart that you don't want to be treated that way no matter how much your hurting!

 

We have all been through it before and it is the worst pain, but it's so worth it in the end.

 

We'll be here for you......

 

even if you don't leave him and you keep putting up w/ the bull****.

 

We'll still be her for you to help you through the sad times.

 

Oh yea, I still say get another guy to distract you. Don't stay loyal to this jerk.

 

You don't have to jump into bed or a relationship w/ a new guy, just get a really good looking "friend" who can distract you for a while.

 

Don't tell the hottie your troubles though. You might scare him.

 

Go find one tonight w/ the girls. All it takes is a cute outfit and a smile and someone will ask for your number. You know it too, so don't be so down on yourself.

 

Seriously, this guy doesn't deserve all the confusion and pain!

 

 

I left town also to get over my abusive ex. I moved from Tallahassee, FL to Atlanta, GA.... which is where I am currently residing.

 

Thank you for all of your advice. I was going to cut all ties with him completely. Then he came over Saturday night, upset about his job (he is losing his good shifts) and just upset about his situation at home. He wants to leave, but is sad about his little girl. He is so mixed up with his life. He stayed at my house that night and didnt go home until around 8:30 last night. He said he wants to be with me, loves me, doesn't know how to break the news to his wife (about his feelings for me). I talked to her some, she kept calling me, worried about him. He told her he was over here. There is so much that happened this weekend, but I am rambling. Anyway, we will see what happens this week. I really am so clueless about the whole situation right now. It is so complicated.

 

If he is still there this week (which he says he is not going to be and his wife said she is probably kicking him out), then I will cut all ties and do NC. For my own sanity. If he really does leave this week..... I just don't know. This has all been such a whirlwind.

[zoey15]

This is getting complicated. It sounds like he is back and forth and he can't make up his mind.

 

Good luck with this one!

 

Let us know what happens.

[kechara]

Calif-

Sounds pretty familiar to me too. The only difference is that my MM's W doesn't know about me.

 

And, like yours, mine is confused, although he swore today that he knows exactly where he wants to be.

 

D@mn. I'm exhausted. It seems like a constant thing.

 

I wonder how many hurdles he'd have to jump over for me to ever trust him again...and I wonder how much of any relationship would be left at the end of that event.

 

I'm just so tired...of wondering, of waiting, of hurting, of wanting, of confusion. I'm almost at the point where I don't even want to consider how much of this mess is my fault...just completely throw in the towel so that I don't have to think about it any more.

[Ladyjane14]

Why not take a break for awhile? Go 'No Contact' with him for a set period of time. His pursuit seems somewhat controlling. Unfortunately, some guys are like that.

 

If he can't respect your NC, then that'll give you a bit more insight into the kind of guy he really is. I expect you might find him a bit less attractive if he were to show you this aspect of his personality.

 

 

 

I've been noticing that RP is a very hostile person when he/she posts, so don't let that bother you Cali.

 

I absolutely do NOT understand this comment. RP is one of the LEAST hostile posters on this board.

 

I respectfully suggest to Zoey that you read the TOS, and contact a mod if you have any questions regarding superfluous commentary on other posters.

[califlorgian]

Thank you, Zoey. An update about what's been going on will be made shortly.

 

Kechara, you are saying exactly what I am feeling. It is so weird to know that there are other people going through this at this very moment as well. It hurts so much.... it is just so frustrating and heartbreaking. I really don't know what to do with myself. I just.... I want this pain to end. I want to move on... but I can't when he keeps telling me how much he loves me and.... its just such a yo-yo!!! I am so sorry you are going through this as well.... it hurts so incredibly much...

[califlorgian]

Why not take a break for awhile? Go 'No Contact' with him for a set period of time. His pursuit seems somewhat controlling. Unfortunately, some guys are like that.

 

If he can't respect your NC, then that'll give you a bit more insight into the kind of guy he really is. I expect you might find him a bit less attractive if he were to show you this aspect of his personality.

 

 

I know... gosh, I just wish I COULD take a break. But with him possibly moving in this week. With the things he has been telling me. And me being completely wrapped around his pinky.... I just don't know what to do. I am so in love with him and he claims to be as well. I am freaking out and at my wit's end. I need to have no contact. But I can't.... not the way things are going.... Crap....

[Ladyjane14]

I know... gosh, I just wish I COULD take a break. But with him possibly moving in this week. With the things he has been telling me. And me being completely wrapped around his pinky.... I just don't know what to do. I am so in love with him and he claims to be as well. I am freaking out and at my wit's end. I need to have no contact. But I can't.... not the way things are going.... Crap....

 

If you're not ready for him to move in.....then say "NO". It's okay;) . You don't need permission to stand up for what YOU want.

 

Who wants a man by default anyway? He's going to flop at your place like so much excess luggage.....'cause the he's got nowhere else to go?

 

C'mon....that's not the same thing as OFFERING you something, is it? He needs to work his bullsh*t out, before he creeps around wanting a full-time relationship with you. That means, standing on his own two feet and coming to you from a standpoint of MUTUAL sharing.

 

Assertiveness is a FINE character trait. Don't be afraid to show it. It earns RESPECT.

[califlorgian]

If you're not ready for him to move in.....then say "NO". It's okay;) . You don't need permission to stand up for what YOU want.

 

Who wants a man by default anyway? He's going to flop at your place like so much excess luggage.....'cause the he's got nowhere else to go?

 

C'mon....that's not the same thing as OFFERING you something, is it? He needs to work his bullsh*t out, before he creeps around wanting a full-time relationship with you. That means, standing on his own two feet and coming to you from a standpoint of MUTUAL sharing.

 

Assertiveness is a FINE character trait. Don't be afraid to show it. It earns RESPECT.

 

 

Well, I thought I wanted him to move in. But he doesn't even know what he wants now. I am so confused. So utterly confused. I would love to start living my life again. But I am way too weak. I hate it. I want to be happy again. This man has been making me so miserable. But not all the time. Only when he acts so fickle and messed up. *sigh*