Boyfriend is stressed and doesn’t make plans

[Broken529]

I hope someone can help me with this dilemma. I have been dating my boyfriend almost 6 months. We have known each other for 2-1/2 years. We had been so happy the last 6 months. Spent every weekend together and he always made plans. The last 3 weeks he has not wanted to sleep over. He has been having stress over the fact that he will be forced to retire soon (we are older, but young in spirit) and wants to continue working as a contractor. He hasn’t been able to secure a job yet and is always online trying to secure one. Also he is having family issues with siblings going to court regarding family estate. It has been stressful for him and Ive allowed him the space. We do talk every day sometimes 2x a day and if he’s away traveling for work, he will text me a number of times and call me as well. I did go to his house 2 weeks ago and we had dinner then to the movies then I came home.

 

I don’t know if I can take this anymore as I’m starting to feel that he lost physical attraction to me. In reality I am afraid that he’s just trying to ease his way out. We dated briefly previously then he came back to me and convinced me to actually have a relationship with him. He is also a commitment phobic because he was married for 20 years and his wife left him for another man.

 

Tonight we were talking and we talked about a previous girlfriend that he lived with 3 years ago before he met me. He said that the relationship with her was easy because he was attracted psychologically and physically. I took it kind of personal because she was a very petite woman and I am kind of tall and voluptuous. Now the psychologically I don’t understand because that man confides with me about everything and we do get to talk a lot about his issues and he feels comfortable around me. Nevertheless the situation with him wanting his space and commenting about this woman has left me thinking that perhaps he’s lost physical attraction and perhaps we’ll never be the same as before. We were having so much fun and he seemed so happy and I thought that if issues came up we would work together. I do go to court with him and support him that way and he gets to talk to me about his day and work everyday, but I miss him physically if only just to cuddle. I let him initiate the calls and text most of the time as I don’t want to be chasing him. I just feel like Ive gone into the friend zone. How do I get the spark back if only to spend time with him?

 

How does this look to you?

[ExpatInItaly]

In what context did he mention his easy relationship with his ex-girlfriend?

 

I think he has legitimate reasons to be stressed right now, with work and family problems. If it's only been a few weeks, I would ease off and let him work it out on his own for a little bit without adding more pressure.

 

If you still notice he's backing off in a few weeks, talk to him.

[d0nnivain]

It looks like you are trying to make this all about you when it has nothing to do with you.

 

This man defines himself 2 ways: by what he does for a living and how he relates to his family.

 

His family is being torn apart after the death of a loved one over money. It's rocking his very core. People he spent a LIFETIME thinking he loved & who loved him are now behaving like a pack of mad hyenas.

 

The second & more primal way he sees himself as a man is by his hyper masculine job. Age is taking that away from him & he's having trouble coping.

 

Yet you think all of this is about you not being petite. It has nothing to do with you. If you want this relationship to work, support him through this difficult time & make him feel like a man. Seriously. Drive to his house more then he comes to you & give him a BJ. That will help way more then space. Show him he's virile & that he's "Still got It".

[Gaeta]

When you dated previously how long did it last?

 

What I am reading is a man that is self-admitted commitment-phobe, a man that dated you, broke up, came back, and is about to break up again. It looks like his regular pattern.

 

I also understand that for the past 3 weeks he has refused to sleep over, does that mean he denied sex for those 3 weeks as well?

 

I understand the male-ego being linked to their work. It's normal for a man to fall apart at the loss of a job, especially if it's unexpected. My bf lost his job like 4 weeks after we started dating. He needed time alone to process everything, it lasted 3-4 days, NOT 3-4 weeks.

 

There is more at play here than him losing his job. The main red-flag is him not wanting to sleep over anymore.

[Gaeta]

I just read your last thread.

 

You broke up more than twice. This is his pattern.

 

Also he didn't want a relationship and he was standing strong on not wanting one. This time he came back and offered you a relationship, he had no choice it was your condition to taking him back right? I am sorry to say but this is him not wanting to be in a relationship.

 

After reading your past thread I think you deserve much better than this back and forth, and the little crumbs he's willing to throw at you.

 

Him having to retire sooner may be a lot of stress and to relieve this stress he's letting go of this relationship he didn't really want.

[lurker74]

It looks like you are trying to make this all about you when it has nothing to do with you.

 

This man defines himself 2 ways: by what he does for a living and how he relates to his family.

 

His family is being torn apart after the death of a loved one over money. It's rocking his very core. People he spent a LIFETIME thinking he loved & who loved him are now behaving like a pack of mad hyenas.

 

The second & more primal way he sees himself as a man is by his hyper masculine job. Age is taking that away from him & he's having trouble coping.

 

Yet you think all of this is about you not being petite. It has nothing to do with you. If you want this relationship to work, support him through this difficult time & make him feel like a man. Seriously. Drive to his house more then he comes to you & give him a BJ. That will help way more then space. Show him he's virile & that he's "Still got It".

 

Donnivain...you've had a lot of good posts here. This one may be your best. And I'm not even talking about the BJ (although those rarely hurt a relationship!). OP, read and reread this one!

[d0nnivain]

Donnivain...you've had a lot of good posts here. This one may be your best. And I'm not even talking about the BJ (although those rarely hurt a relationship!). OP, read and reread this one!

 

 

Thank you but Gaeta's post may be more on point. The BF already broke up with the OP once & has said he doesn't do relationships. He came back & said O fine, he'd try but maybe his true colors are showing.

 

 

It is still more about him then her but perhaps this is what the OP needs to realize: he'll never be the man she wants. He just doesn't have it in him.

[kendahke]

One the one hand, I can see how him trying to figure out this forced retirement and getting his money trail set up so he's not leaning on your about it--which you will begin to resent because that's not what you want, either and he know it--so he's taking his focus off of you and putting it on "how am I going to support myself into my sunset years?".

 

Tonight we were talking and we talked about a previous girlfriend that he lived with 3 years ago before he met me. He said that the relationship with her was easy because he was attracted psychologically and physically. I took it kind of personal because she was a very petite woman and I am kind of tall and voluptuous. Now the psychologically I don’t understand because that man confides with me about everything and we do get to talk a lot about his issues and he feels comfortable around me.

 

How did this ex come up in conversation? Who brought her up and why?

 

Nevertheless the situation with him wanting his space and commenting about this woman has left me thinking that perhaps he’s lost physical attraction and perhaps we’ll never be the same as before.

 

If you're too afraid to talk to him about why he's had this sudden change in behavior, then you really don't have the relationship you think you have with him. This should not be hard for you to do since you've known him for 2 1/2 years. You do want answers so you can be on solid footing, right? Even if that answer is "I dont' want to be with you anymore"? You need to get that straightened out so you're not wasting any more of you youth behind him.

 

I just feel like Ive gone into the friend zone. How do I get the spark back if only to spend time with him?

 

Unfortunately, when it comes to how a man's going to support himself, what his future is going to be, he's not going to be putting a lot of focus on being lovey dovey with you. He's trying to maintain his manhood by providing for himself and not being dependent upon his woman. It sounds like he's just got a lot of balls in the air right now and there are times in some relationships where you have to be extra understanding and let them to go the woodshed and work their stuff out. You can't be his mom and sweep in and fix everything--he will end up resenting you for that.

[sunny-face]

It sounds to me as if there is much happening in his life at the moment and perhaps he needs some time to sort through his feelings and figure out a game-plan for the next season of his life. Men feel good when they work. I believe there is a need for a man to work and feel useful. Perhaps, retirement and the job search is taking a toll on him mentally and physically. There are family dynamics going on as well. Sometimes we can just get so overwhelmed that we lose our direction and we cope the best way we know how. I am sure your presence and your encouragement is great support for him. It is easy to take things personally and I’m sorry you are feeling hurt over what he has said to you in past conversations. I think it is good and kind of you to allow him to call the shots at the moment. You are entitled to your own set of emotions and concerns. Communication is good so when you feel an opportunity, share your thoughts. Maybe a weekend get-away would be helpful. A new environment with new experiences is a great way to forget issues and just relax. Perhaps, he needs an understanding friend instead of a girlfriend at the moment? I wish you luck!

[she'stheone]

Hi Broken529,

 

I'm sorry to read about your struggles.

 

Men are NOT usually good at dealing with their emotions. Typically when a man has a problem especially work and family we withdraw. Sure there are some men who don't but most do.

 

Here's the thing...regardless of how men act...YOU need to communicate how you feel. I have found most communication breakdowns occur because one or both parties are too scared to communicate how they feel.

 

I haven't read your other post and while it might shed more light on what's going on with this man, that is NOT the problem.

 

When you mix, men, emotions and communication together, you typically get a big mess, especially when YOU are not communicating openly and honestly due to fear of loss.

 

Tell him how you feel and what you want/need. If he can't/won't give it to you then you have your answer and can move on.

 

Maybe, he'll come to his senses, maybe not. No one here can tell you for sure. While I do agree with some of the posters here about who and what he is, I do not know this man other than what you yourself have posted.

 

It is hard to judge someone based on what you are told by a different person. The expression three sides to ever story is true and we have at best only one side, yours.

 

Rather than asking for help in understanding a man, no one on here knows, ask him yourself.

 

Be kind, compassionate and loving and tell him how you feel, and what you want/need. Then and ONLY then will you know where you stand.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Broken529]

Thank you everyone for your input. While I am trying very hard to be understanding and he does lean on me for support and reports everything that’s going on in his life. We do have a past. He was once dating me and someone else, then he started dating her and about 6 months ago confessed to me that he had been dating someone else and that he wanted to see me exclusively and then he embarked on giving me lots of attention, spending lots of time with me. Although I was unsure, I decided to give him a second chance.

 

Now I don’t know if its his commitment phobic or the fact that he does have retirement, career and family issues. He doesn’t need to work, but he is a workaholic and will not retire so he is looking to continue working and obsessed about it.

 

I did communite with him that I was feeling as if he was losing interest and feeling hurt because I missed him. He agreed to see each other 2 weekends ago if I went to his house so we had dinner and went to the movies. When I got there he looked really bad, not shaven and seemed kind of stressed. Last weekend he didn’t mention getting together so I didn’t mention anything, but we continue to talk everyday and text and I allow him to be the initiator. Never misses a call.

 

This week I’ll be going to court to give him support and I might just plan on going to his house on Saturday if he allows me.

 

It’s not that I am only thinking about me, but I feel as if he is losing interest and that comment he made last night hurt because here I am giving him support and listening to him and he’s always reaching out to me so I am believing that we are psychologically in tune. The sex has not been the best either due to his age and he will not take any kind of enhancement like viagra so I am left thinking that he is not physically attracted to me anymore being that he made that comment. With this other woman, he was literally living with her and I just don’t see him making that decision with me. Of course, our new relationship is fairly new and the times we were together before was not a relationship but a date here and there with me not knowing exactly what was going with the other woman. Seems like he was going back and forth with the woman he was dating previous to me and the reason why he was able to go out with me sometimes. I do think that relationship is pretty much over and he has reassured me that he is no longer wishing to be with her and that is one thing that I am sure of because I just don’t think he respected her that much when he was dating other women. Because he calls me every night before he goes to sleep, I don’t he he has the time or the mind to see anyone else.

 

I think that he was making our relationship easy within those 6 months and now he is withdrawing and I don’t know if its the stress he is under or just that he wants to move on to the next woman.

 

Now, I am wondering if he wanted to end things, why does he keep calling and keeping me aware of everything in his life? Is he trying to ease out of this because he made so many promises and acted so committed to me?

 

I don’t know what to think anymore. That comment really really bothered me because from our previous conversations they really did have a nice relationship except she wanted marriage and he didn’t, so he left her. She has since moved on and pretty sure she would not want to go back to him.

 

Relationships are as easy as you want them to be and he is now not making it very easy for us to move forward. Just feeling so lonely after spending such great times with him. He is a lot of fun when he wants to be and was also a lot of help at home.

 

Thank you everyone for allowing me to vent and your opinions are very welcome as it allows me to see other people’s view of the situation.

[MidwestUSA]

Pull back on the support. Don't go to court. You're giving him a lot more than he deserves, and more than he's giving you. I have a feeling that if another woman entered the picture, you'd be out. He doesn't sound as if he's in any condition to find one, however, that's why he's keeping you around.

 

 

Oh, that bad sex? It will never get the better if he's not willing to work on it. Never.