What to do when I think she's not giving her son enough attention because of me...

August 25, 2005

I am in love with this girl. I've been seeing her only since August 5th. Well, that was the last day where went out with someone else besides her. She's perfect. Beautiful, intelligent, modest, well-dressed, large family. Very financially and mentally stable. She likes the ocean, and fish. Everything in her house has fish included, but tastefully. She likes wall tanks. We are very compatible, almost to say, two peas in a pod. I haven't felt this way since I was 17 years old. She is absolutely amazing! So what is the problem? She has a 7-year old boy who I feel she is neglecting when she is around me. The kid's not the problem, by far. He's cool. We get along more than well, but I feel that this girl whom I am in love with is so into me, she ignores her son. And he's very demanding. Well, ok, the situation is that she's divorced, and she makes it so he son is over here and his dad's back and forth, alternating days. Good deal. We work together. We all work in the same field. Same shift (nights), her and I. She gets her son on her days off, which, is the only time we have together. I have things to do, too, but right now I want to set them aside so I can spend time with her. After it becomes a seady, stable thing, well, I can go back to my old habits, too. (I am deeply involved in a sport, I used to train hours and hours, twice daily.) She thinks I don't hold her enough. Well, how much more can I hold her? She's got a son. I don't want to make out or kiss or whatever in front of him. When he notices he's no longer at the center of attention, she starts to hit her over and over again. It bothers me. Last nigth, we watched Eternal Sunshine and he left the room to hang with his grand ma, but he kept coming back in every 15 minutes and ask if the movie was over. It was well past 12 when it was, and he was still awake, with blood shot eyes, tired, asking for his mom, because they would usually sleep next to each other. She puts him to bed and and comes back. All the while I am sitting there, thinking, "what am I going to do?" You know their schedule is set in stone, and I don't want to waste their valuable time. I get frustrated and walk off. Tell her I have to leave. She calls me 10 minutes later, but I am in the shower, so I don't pick up and I don't call her back, because I need time to collect my thoughts. It seems like I really take up their time. I want what is best for son and her. What do I do?

August 25, 2005

Slow Down.

You've know this Girl since the 5th of August right? I'm assuming thats of this year... it's only the 25th today, so you've been dating her for 20 days, less than a month... IMO the LOVE word is way to early.

Secondly, I don't see how you think she is negleting her Son? He was up late one night while the 2 of you watched a movie....

Is it possible the idea of dating a single Mom is whats freaking you out?

August 25, 2005

That's a tough one. To start with, it sounds like she has let her son develop some bad habits. At 7, she should be able to put him to bed and continue her evening - he shouldn't be staying up until she goes to bed.

Did she attempt to put him to bed during the movie? Maybe you could say something to let her know that you understand that he needs attention even when you are around. Offer to pause the movie while she got the kid all tucked in. Little comments like that might not only make her realize that she is neglecting the child, but that you understand she has other responsibilities and that you aren't going to bail just because she a to deal with her child.

She may be afraid that if she doesn't focus attnetion on you, you won't "get" how much she likes you and you will leave.

Its probably too early for a serious discussion, but if you think she is the one for you - it will be important for you to know that if you ever have children together that they will be properly cared for...

August 25, 2005

In the past I've dated a few with kids, so I am familiar with it. I had dating down pat, up until this month. Now everythings all shaken up. I haven't told her about how I felt about her. I'm not too easy on spilling thoughts, but I know what I like when I see it, and I haven't had this feeling since I was younger. I've been through plenty of relationships. I've seen lots. I KNOW she is neglecting her son, and she denies it. Our work schedule: two days on, two off, three on, two off, two on, three off. Night shift! We sleep during the day. Her son's dad is on the same schedule of ours, but opposite days, so I see that her son's time is very valuable to her, more than she realizes. If we are out together, her mom would call and leave messages telling her that this girl's son is keeps asking for her. I have no insecurities, I don't get jealous, I am not short on dates, or anything like that, and neither is she, if she chooses.

August 25, 2005

Originally posted by triathlete
In the past I've dated a few with kids, so I am familiar with it. I had dating down pat, up until this month. Now everythings all shaken up. I haven't told her about how I felt about her. I'm not too easy on spilling thoughts, but I know what I like when I see it, and I haven't had this feeling since I was younger. I've been through plenty of relationships. I've seen lots. I KNOW she is neglecting her son, and she denies it. Our work schedule: two days on, two off, three on, two off, two on, three off. Night shift! We sleep during the day. Her son's dad is on the same schedule of ours, but opposite days, so I see that her son's time is very valuable to her, more than she realizes. I have no insecurities, I don't get jealous, I am not short on dates, or anything like that, and neither is she, if she chooses.

I have 2 Little people and on occassion I've allowed them to stay up late... that isn't neglet or a sign of a bad parent.

Even if you've dated a few Women with Kid's (and this isn't to sound like a jerk) you're NOT a Parent and I'm not saying that means that you have no common sense this, that, the other... but again unless or until you are a parent you have no idea what it is to parent a Kid that belongs to you.

I guess some other examples of how she neglets her Son would be useful because the one provided I don't see as neglet...

How does she come across to you when you TELL her she's negleting her son? Obviously spending time with her son is very important to his well being... I just don't see how allowing him to be up late one evening when you were over was a sign of her being a bad Mom or neglet.

August 25, 2005

He's saying that because of their work shifts, the kid doesn't see his mom as much as he'd like and calls asking for her. He seems to need a great deal of attention - possibly because his dad is also not that available.

I say rent two movies - watch a kid one with him and the gal and let the kid sit between you and pay attention to him and then send him to bed and have your private time. Do the same with other activities - find a way to include him for part of your visit so that he won't be pushed aside.

She may be afraid that if she doesn't focus attnetion on you, you won't "get" how much she likes you and you will leave

I agree. Or maybe she finds motherhood to be a lot of pressure and is using you as a bit of an escape.

August 25, 2005

Thanks for your help, you guys. I'm not a dad. I'm not trying to be a dad, either, but I look out for the kid. I'll try renting two movies and see how that goes. Yeah, the dad's not around too much, either, when they have time together, the dad's kinda also doing his own thing. The kid's also got no brothers or sisters. I'm not saying that allowing the kid to stay up laet on occasion is a bad thing. But this blood-shot eye routine thing happens when I come over, and I'm concerned.

August 25, 2005

whatever you do, stay away from telling her. people (especially women) do not take too kindly to other people telling them how to raise their kids. especially if you don't have one yourself. keep your mouth shut and be subtle.

i would suggest something along the lines of what Outcast said. try to include him in on some activities. try to do it more often so that she'll take notice and ask you why, or complain that you are not getting enough alone time. then you can just reply "well i know that you and your son don't get to spend much time together and i want to make sure that you have time to interact with each other". that will lead to a conversation where you can express how important you feel it is for a child to get attention from his parents. then let her parent the way she knows best. just don't say anything about her neglecting him. that is almost sure to blow up in your face...

August 25, 2005

Very interesting. I understand that you're not attracted to this part of her; you want an angel (a perfect woman, as you stated) that would be a great mother. That's very nice of you.

It's possible that she is afraid that you might be jealous of her son if she shows affection toward him in front of you. What you can do is include the son too, like play some game together (all of you), take him to an amusement park, talk to him. Kids are not very demanding and they appreciate even a little attention that you can give them.

My BF is extremely nice with my kids. He takes them to places for kids (together with me, of course), buys them presents, plays with them, jokes with them, and they absolutely adore him. They are not jealous when I kiss him or make out with him... the only problem is that I can't get to hold his hand when they are around, because they always want to hold his hands. They are also 7 years old (twin boys).

I asked them if they would be hurt if we don't get married. And they said "No, we will always have the great memory of him." I asked that because I was worried about them getting so attached to him. It's better than ignoring your children for your lover. Moreover, if I am going to marry someone I want to see how he acts around my children and how they get along.

My ex-husband was/is very jealous of my BF, because he seems to be some kind of a hero in their lives and thanks to him, they realized that their father was not paying enough attention to them. So instead of trying harder to be a good father (he is also the type that is doing his own thing when they are around, like sit with neighbors and drink beer, although he sees them twice a week), he chose to hate me and cause problems in my life whenever he can.

Wherever children are involved there are lots of ambivalent issues, but everything can be solved with love and friendly conversations. Hopefully your GF is not a bad mother, but simply has this idea that you might be jealous of her relationship with her son. This is not because she is an idiot.

Women by nature are jealous of their lovers' children. So they think of others what they know about themselves. My ex-husband has a daughter from his first marriage and she was the main reason why we got divorced (together with the fact that we were incompatible and not right for each other). I was jealous of him spending a lot of time with her. I hated to see them hugging or kissing.

My BF says he loves to see me affectionate with my sons. At first, I was also trying to show more affection to him than to the kids, because I was afraid that he might be jealous of them. But we are in a long-distance relationship and I was thinking 'he is here now and will leave in a weak and my kids know how much I love them anyway'.

Encourage her to spend quality time with both you and her son at the same time. Once you earn the kid's trust and respect, you will be able to make out and kiss in front of him without him being jealous of you. Moreover, he won't feel abandoned when the two of you go out without him or if you stay over night. I am telling you this from my own experience. Little boys and men are the best combination. Daughters and dads' girlfriends are usually the delicate ones with a lot of jealousy involved.

With time you will earn more of the right to tell her to put the child in bed on time or interfere in some other ways, especially if the two of you become pals. Nice toys can buy child's love like you can't imagine!

However, if you don't enjoy her son's presence then your relationship will be doomed sooner or later anyway. It seems to me that you would like her to spend time with him without you.

August 25, 2005

Women by nature are jealous of their lovers' children

No. Sometimes a woman is jealous of her lover's children. That is her particular nature and not the nature of women in general.

Nice toys can buy child's love like you can't imagine!

There's a lovely sentiment

August 26, 2005

Originally posted by Outcast
No. Sometimes a woman is jealous of her lover's children. That is her particular nature and not the nature of women in general.

My feeling exactly.

My Boyfriend has 2 little Kid's from his previous marriage and I'm crazy about them both.

I am not jealous of the time he spends with them or his relationship with them and would actually be offended IF he didn't show them his love, give them his time, or be involved in thier lives.

August 26, 2005

I read all the posts in response. Have you considered this - and I have personal experience with this one

Maybe the child is being overly needy as a 'competition' or 'challenge'. I know my kids had difficulty adjusting to me having a man in my life on a regular basis - mostly because when their father's girlfriend (now wife) came on the scene, he paid them NO attention and lived strictly for her. That's not ex-wife sour grapes btw, they both left their father's house over the stepmother - and the courts have actually banned him from even having them to his house with his wife (long involved story there, there's very good reason).

So when Mom got a serious boyfriend, they had all sorta deja vu feelings. And yes, they did the competition/challenge thing - which is what this boy sounds to be doing. I did have to set and enforce boundaries - and sometimes my man (who has no kids) did not understand and felt I was neglecting them or he was coming between a mom and her kids. It was a judgement call by the person that knows them best - their mom.

Now my kids love and accept my man in my life and theirs - they have their own relationship with him too. They know that neither he nor I would ever put US above THEM in the big picture - and are secure in that knowledge. They know that in the big picture they will always be first in my life, but that at times I'm away from home or doing other things. Doesn't mean that I love them less, means that mom has a well balanced life that makes her a healthy person and a better mom.

Just my 2 cents

August 26, 2005

Originally posted by InLimbo2
I read all the posts in response. Have you considered this - and I have personal experience with this one

Maybe the child is being overly needy as a 'competition' or 'challenge'. I know my kids had difficulty adjusting to me having a man in my life on a regular basis - mostly because when their father's girlfriend (now wife) came on the scene, he paid them NO attention and lived strictly for her. That's not ex-wife sour grapes btw, they both left their father's house over the stepmother - and the courts have actually banned him from even having them to his house with his wife (long involved story there, there's very good reason).

So when Mom got a serious boyfriend, they had all sorta deja vu feelings. And yes, they did the competition/challenge thing - which is what this boy sounds to be doing. I did have to set and enforce boundaries - and sometimes my man (who has no kids) did not understand and felt I was neglecting them or he was coming between a mom and her kids. It was a judgement call by the person that knows them best - their mom.

Now my kids love and accept my man in my life and theirs - they have their own relationship with him too. They know that neither he nor I would ever put US above THEM in the big picture - and are secure in that knowledge. They know that in the big picture they will always be first in my life, but that at times I'm away from home or doing other things. Doesn't mean that I love them less, means that mom has a well balanced life that makes her a healthy person and a better mom.

Just my 2 cents

Good points

August 26, 2005

Originally posted by InLimbo2
Maybe the child is being overly needy as a 'competition' or 'challenge'. I know my kids had difficulty adjusting to me having a man in my life on a regular basis - mostly because when their father's girlfriend (now wife) came on the scene, he paid them NO attention and lived strictly for her.

My thoughts exactly. Like I said before, I'm not a jealous person and I am secure about myself. I know her ex is pretty pissed about me being around the house. In fact, he told his son, "I don't appreciate your mom bringin him over." It's been two years since they have been divorced and he has had plenty of hook-ups, or whatever. It's getting better: I had a talk with her about how I felt yesterday.

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