Recently Broken-hearted from Gorgeous Ex-Girlfriend

[Heartbreak7]

Hi Guys,

 

As I am currently going through the healing process post breakup and I want to share my thoughts as they have been consuming me for the last 3 weeks.

 

I have overwhelming guilt from the way I handled my relationship of 2.5 years. My girlfriend broke up with officially about 3 weeks ago. I tried everything in my power to salvage the relationship and show her how much she truly means to me and how I have learned and addressed the missteps I have made.

 

Just some background, my ex girlfriend is absolutely gorgeous. Either way things turn out in the future I am/ was a lucky man. She has flawless skin, a perfect smile, pretty eyes and brunette hair, and one of the best bodies you could ever ask for. She is so naturally beautiful, trustworthy, caring, funny, and a very outgoing individual. She is deff more of the feeler type as she wears her emotions on her sleeve and lives life much more carefree. She was honestly one of the nicest people I have ever been around and always had a happy go lucky mentality. We come from very similar background and have very similar interest and beliefs. Not to mention she was my “type” down to a T. So she checked all the boxes I was looking for the person I wanted to spend my life with.

 

The relationship started out a little secretive as she used to go out with a distant “friend” of mine who shared many of the same social circles. This was actually a fun part of the initial passion of the relationship. I was living in the city and she was from my hometown and I always had a thing for her. A few months later after dating she moved to the city with her friend to be closer to me. We had a fun, loving relationship and we would spend every weekend exploring the city together as I showed her all my favorite places and insider things to do. The sex was always amazing and probably one of the strongest aspects of the relationship. I am still in love with her body. Anyway, the biggest traits of any relationship for me is trust. For myself, trust takes time to establish, especially since I am by nature a cynical New Yorker. So about 5-6 months in we were coming home from my cousins wedding and she was crying that I hadn’t committed to her officially as my girlfriend. I reassured her she was the only one I wanted to be with and that was the official start to our relationship.

 

From there things developed into a more serious partnership. We traveled the world together going to many places Greece and then Italy with my parents as the two highlighted trips. We got the cutest dog together and it felt like we had this little perfect family. We shared countless memories and life was good, we were having so much fun.

 

With all this said, I do admit I think we were both guarded going into our relationship which may have lead to the downfall. She was coming out of a heart break. I was in a previous 9 year relationship through high school and college with a girl that at first I was madly in love with. I always thought she was the “one” but it was too much, too young, and by end we still loved each other but were ready for the relationship to end. Since then I have become at peace with that part of my life.

 

So going into my current relationship I think I was looking for something less dramatic and more realistic in terms someone I can spend my life with. That is definitely what I got with her, we were less lovey dovey, head over heels for each but more of a loving stable partnership that worked. I never had that overwhelming feeling like I did previously that this she is my “soul mate” but I loved her deeply and was much more happy then the latter half of the last one.

 

I am deff more of the thinker type and always have a plan and goal to achieve. Having a strong thinker personality, I admit I am not the most affectionate person on the planet. There were many times that I missed where I could have and should have shown my ex how much I loved her. I showed her in different ways, I very much helped her grow both personally and professionally as she was a few years younger then myself. I was so proud of the person she had become and I would tell her this. I took care of her in every possible way I knew how. I was always loyal and there for her. I am probably the most brutally honest person you will meet, so anytime I said I love you to her she knew I meant it with all my heart.

 

My overwhelming regret is that I didn’t pick up on her true needs as a feeler. She fell in love with me early on and I held her at arms length because in my mind/ heart sustaining love takes time to develop. After, I got to know her better, she became my best friend and confidant that is when I can say I truly fell in love with her. I did a poor job showing her the affection (not passion) that she craved. The little things wore on her. I was very bad at picking up signs that she may have been unhappy.

 

Not once in the 2.5 years we were together did we really get into a big argument. I am more of the communicator in the relationship addressing things head on working for a resolution and she rather get over issues as quickly as possible and move on with life. My only issue I had with her is she never once communicated with me she was unhappy or that we needed to work anything. I think I took a little advantage of her passive nature and was selfish at times. I was too focused towards the end of the relationship on my career and buying a property and should of been more focused on her happiness.

 

Things got a little more routine as work and life stresses became greater. We didn’t start arguing but we started disagreeing on more and more and some of the little things she did started bothering me. I was also was dealing with some anxiety issues that caused me to be negative at times. I informed her I wanted to work on improving this and that I was going to go to the doctor for help. She never really understood how I felt because she never has dealt with any depression/ anxiety, so I did feel a little bit isolated because of this. I wanted to move to the suburbs and live together when her lease was up in the summer. I was saving to buy us a place and communicated this to her.

 

Right around New Years is when she broke up with me. She said she didn’t feel as we were in love because of the lack of affection and that after 2.5 years together there wasn’t any real commitment to forever.

 

Since this time, I have done everything in my power to reconcile over the last few weeks. At first it hit me like truck and I was paralyzed by shock and deep sadness. Since then, I have reflected on my mistakes and realize that my lack of affectionate and commitment may have caused me to loose the women I wanted to marry. This are tangibles acts that I could change but in the post breakup days I couldn’t convince her to stay.

 

I showed/ told her everything I need to do better in the most genuine/ confident way possible. I never begged for her back pathetically rather I fought in every way I knew how to keep someone that special in my life. I will never not fight for someone I love. One of the issues I know bothered her is that I wasn’t as close with her family as I could have been. I even wrote the mother a letter stating my commitment to her daughter and how I truly felt for her addressing my short comings. I visited her father separately and addressed him like a gentlemen telling him I needed to do a better job building a bond between us and that his daughter was the best thing to ever happen to me. During this time we had open lines of communication and she wouldn’t say too much other then cry hysterically and say “I don’t know this is just how I feel”. I pushed for some closure as I thought this wasn’t good enough after 2.5 years and ultimately I think she was just feeling unhappy and burdened. This may had cause her to distant further and become more firm in her decision/ feelings. She started to what felt like to me, erase me from her life. I.e I took back the dog, she deleted my pictures, and cut communication.

 

We left it as we both love each other still and cherish everything we had as it was 99% good times. Right now, I am writing this in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep anymore. I refrained from reaching out now after the failed attempt to change her mind in respect of her wish for space. I think she may already be casually dating someone else. That was the only red flag I had with her is that she has been one to jump into relationships rather quickly. I can’t shut my mind off with the feeling that I may have pushed the best thing in my life away forever into somebody else’s arms just because she will get that affection she craves. I truly love her and her nature and she makes me a better person. In my heart if I was a more showing boyfriend and showed the gratitude she deserved I know she would of never fallen out of love. However, I know I can’t change the past or predict the future. There are always two moving parts in any relationship so maybe there was no stopping this.

 

I am taking this time to work on bettering myself and never make those mistakes again. She was the one worth growing for and I will probably never get that chance to show her my true loving nature. I am deeply sadden and haunted by loosing her. It will take me significant time to heal and forgive myself. I don’t know if I should ever reach out in the future as that might just lead to more heartbreak. I am trying to move on but I can’t, I have relapses where I would give anything to just be with her again or hear her voice even though at this point it doesn’t seem “logical”. I am more in touch with my feelings/ emotions then ever before and maybe heartbreak is what makes us human.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Heartbreak7

[chassmash]

As someone older then you but going through the same thing, it’s hard for me to give you that much comfort. But I will tell you what I think is going on is that your girlfriend made a cost benefit analysis. Was she better off staying with you or trying to find someone else. She probably looked at you in terms of your commitment, her attraction to you, your suitability etc. Things that really are biological imperatives. And she decided that she could do better.

 

My feeling is that if they decide you are not the one for some very concrete reasons, women will make up general excuses about lack of affection. You probably wouldn't want her to tell you she could do better anyway. So maybe it's for the best. She had the right to make that choice.

 

And as much as you feel that is shallow. You and me are just as shallow.

 

I am going through the same feelings as you- regret, anger, sadness, grief. But the one thing that I have that you possibly don't is the experience to know that life is a long story with many twists and turns. You will lose and gain constantly. Try not to waste your time and try to start moving on as soon as possible while learning the lessons of the past.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

During this time we had open lines of communication and she wouldn’t say too much other then cry hysterically and say “I don’t know this is just how I feel”.

 

.......She started to what felt like to me, erase me from her life. I.e I took back the dog, she deleted my pictures, and cut communication.

 

I think she may already be casually dating someone else.

 

As I was reading your story, which sounded like the story of a totally normal and loving relationship, I kept expecting some big "a-ha!" moment, like you cheated on her or you developed a drug problem or became crazy jealous and obsessive. But, none of that happened. You weren't as affectionate as you could have been. Well, you're not perfect. She's not perfect either....she wouldn't try to understand your anxiety issues.

 

I think her "casual dating relationship" was already in, at least, the early stages of developing, hence her crying and saying "I don't know!" and "this is just how I feel!"

 

In my opinion you sound like a good boyfriend and you're being WAY too hard on yourself here .

[chassmash]

As for reaching out in the future. Why bother? There are very few scenarios where this could lead to a good thing happening. There is no real closure with these things.

 

If she calls you. And asks for forgiveness. And explains her reasoning. And you are 100% satisfied then maybe you consider reconciliation.

 

And yes it's torture. And it sucks. But that's the reality of the situation. It wasn't our decision to leave. It was theirs. And it will,be their decision to return. You need to relinquish control and accept it. Calling her is a waste of time whatever the outcome.

[CantTakeMySmile]

“I don’t know this is just how I feel”.

 

 

I believe this non-answer is the answer. I believe she may not know why she fell out of love or that she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I am sure she loves you, so why would she want to purposefully hurt you. I don't think she would, so she is telling you the best she knows how.

 

 

I am sure it hurts her but not in the same way it hurts you. I think when someone can't or won't give concrete reasons, or when something big didn't happen, or when you fight too much etc., then there is usually no way to go back... because as much as we would like, we can't make someone feel something they don't.

[BluesPower]

As I was reading your story, which sounded like the story of a totally normal and loving relationship, I kept expecting some big "a-ha!" moment, like you cheated on her or you developed a drug problem or became crazy jealous and obsessive. But, none of that happened. You weren't as affectionate as you could have been. Well, you're not perfect. She's not perfect either....she wouldn't try to understand your anxiety issues.

 

I think her "casual dating relationship" was already in, at least, the early stages of developing, hence her crying and saying "I don't know!" and "this is just how I feel!"

 

In my opinion you sound like a good boyfriend and you're being WAY too hard on yourself here .

 

No, I think you just missed the signs...

 

You may have been an OK BF, but I think you misses several opportunities. But like CO is saying, I think, is that she wanted more than you gave.

 

On the affection thing, I have know quite a few women, and I think maybe 2 we not what you would call affectionate. Since I am a very affectionate guy that has never been a problem for me, except those two girls thru me for a bit of a loop. Those were never going to work because I need affection like hand holding, cuddling and all of that.

 

So for you, you really need to develop this to some level where you can get by. It may not be totally natural for you, but I think the overwhelming majority of women want and need affection.

 

And the next thing is, it sounds to me like she wanted a ring and she was not going to tell you that outright. Maybe I am wrong, but it looks that way.

 

And like CO said, I think she was at least interested in the new "casual" guy before she left.

 

I am not saying that she actually physically cheated, but I think she saw something that she thought was better...

 

Just use this experience to grow from and you can be an even better BF the next time around.

[Heartbreak7]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Same sentiments are running through my head. I believe she came to this conclusion months before and didn’t know how to say it and didn’t want to hurt me. So she probably had someone in mind she thought she might be better off with. Only time will tell for her if that decision pays off. As for me, I am an equally attractive person who is down to earth and relatively successful so I don’t think it will be hard to date. I just know it’s going to take time to get over my love for her and the comfortability we had with each other and for me to find the right person who loves me for me.

[Noproblem]

I don't think you make a big mistake or anything.

 

 

But truly, she fell out of love with you, that's it!

 

 

Don't be hard on yourself, I don't think you did anything bad, but she found out after time, that you are not the one for her and she fell out of love.

 

 

Sorry about what happened, but that's life. People get bored and fall out of love easily these days.

 

 

Heal, and take a 2-3 months without any new relationship. Hell, stay single for a year if needs be.

 

Take your time and when you are ready, you can always find someone better!

Edited January 30, 2018 by Noproblem