Moving in together after 1 year?

[Noproblem]

Don't do it.

 

Don't move in together just yet.

 

You are not ready!

[niji]

You may like her... but not as much as she likes you Or should I say, you're not as committed as she is, maybe not yet, which is understandable. When I was dating my ex, he wanted to move in together after years of being together, and I kind of freaked out. Said I wasn't ready, inside I was scared of the exact same thing as you said - losing independence, freedom, friends time etc. In reality, I didn't like him as much as he liked me, so naturally I freaked out at the thought of being together 24/7.

 

When I started dating my fiance, it took us about 2 weeks before we were always staying at each other's place; I would come over to his and vice versa, to cook, eat, sleep, do laundry together. We pretty much spent the whole day 3-4 days in a week together, so much that when he brought up moving in together after 1 month of dating, I agreed to it without hesitation (we both agreed it was the dumbest decision we've ever made that turned out to be alright) It just seemed natural as we were already sort of spending 24/7 together, but now it will eliminate the commute, me leaving his place early in the morning, go back to my place to shower and go to work, none of that.

 

So as you can see, a "timeline" doesn't work. I was single for 6 years because I'm personally conservative (as in conservative regarding relationships and lifestyle choices) and don't waste time with people I don't see a future with. I'd rather be alone, it can be tons of fun. But, because every partner is different, and you'll also be at different points in life with different partners, you can't put these decisions in a concrete timeline but rather how you feel about the other person, and how well set-up you both are (financially, educationally, etc). One year, two years... I used to believe in them until I met my fiance. We've been living together for 2 years now, getting married very soon, and I couldn't be happier. I realize most cases are not as simple as mine, but it's some food for thought. In your case, you're nowhere near thinking about marriage with her; in fact, you're YEARS away from it. If the thought of being able to snuggle at night and wake up together every day doesn't warm your heart, then well... you may have to reconsider even the thought of a long-term relationship. Sooner or later, it will not work.

Edited February 1, 2018 by niji

[BaileyB]

I am not a fan of moving in together. Firstly, people do not live together because they want to live together, they do it for financial reasons first and foremost (in the three situations I have been in where someone it was brought up, it was casually mentioned by two and directly mentioned by the third - all three were looking for financial reasons listed first not because they wanted to live with me). Second, it doesn't work if people live together first. Why? We're not sure why, studies have shown, it just seems that the sense of commitment does not stick with people for some reason.

 

If you see yourself marrying her someday (which I hope you do), by all means, if you are going to move in with her, at least be engaged to be married first. That way you will be committed enotugh to do so. You don't have to get married IMMEDIATELY when you move in with her, but you have to be more committed than just moving in because you want to save money.

 

I'm not sure if I agree with your logic. Given... We are not starting out in life, but my boyfriend and I are both financially independent, we each own our own home, and we joke that we have "two of everything." If I could move in with my boyfriend tomorrow, I would do it - because we want to live together. Sure, there will be a financial benefit because we won't be paying two mortgages, two city tax bills, two cable bills, etc... But, it's actually a pretty significant leap of faith that I would be taking to sell my home and move in with him.

 

And if I may say so, I don't have any friends who have not lived together before they were married. When asked, my brother told my mother that there was no way he was proposing to his now wife before he knew that et could live together. I just don't think it's that common to wait anymore...

[callmegm]

You're not ready for it. Don't do it. She should know better than to force you to do something that you're not ready to do. And so should your parents.

 

Having said that, she is allowed to leave you. She is allowed to think that you're moving to slow for her and that you're not really serious.

 

It depends on what's important to you - your sense of freedom or your relationship.

 

And honestly, there's no right or wrong answer for that.

[heavenonearth]

Do you love this girl?

 

It sounds to me that she may not be the love of your life.

And moving in together or getting married this young may spoil everything

 

Keep dating her for another year.

Then reassess.

[Gaeta]

I am not a fan of moving in together. Firstly, people do not live together because they want to live together, they do it for financial reasons first and foremost.

 

I have been going through in my mind everyone I know, friends, family, colleagues, neighbors and I cannot find one couple that moved in together for financial benefits especially not 25 yo and +. Moving in together after 2 weeks dating for financial reasons is something 19 years old do, not matured adults.

 

 

Second, it doesn't work if people live together first. Why? We're not sure why, studies have shown, it just seems that the sense of commitment does not stick with people for some reason..

 

Very simple. If you move in together and realize after a couple of years it's not working, you're not gonna waste a life time trying to fix it, you will move on to a better partner. When people marry they feel an obligation to remain in bad relationships, they hang in there for 15-20 years and longer all in the name of their marriage but their day to day life is a living nightmare. If I had lived first with my ex-h I would have left him on our first year together but I was married so I felt a lot of pressure to make it work and that was followed by 15 years of on and off abuse, manipulation, control, destruction of self-esteem. In the statistics it look good...only in statistics.

[Miss Spider]

I'm not in for cohabitiation/relationship longevity stats but if you do choose to do it, I don't think 1 year is too soon at all.

[Gaeta]

I'm not in for cohabitiation/relationship longevity stats but if you do choose to do it, I don't think 1 year is too soon at all.

 

Depends who you are. If you are 25 years old and everything you own fits in a couple of boxes I guess it's no big deal. If you are 40 + and you own your home, you have debts, children, it's a pretty big deal to be moving in and I feel you should not undo your life, reorganize it, and melt your finances together with a man you've dated only 1 year.

[niji]

Very simple. If you move in together and realize after a couple of years it's not working, you're not gonna waste a life time trying to fix it, you will move on to a better partner. When people marry they feel an obligation to remain in bad relationships, they hang in there for 15-20 years and longer all in the name of their marriage but their day to day life is a living nightmare. If I had lived first with my ex-h I would have left him on our first year together but I was married so I felt a lot of pressure to make it work and that was followed by 15 years of on and off abuse, manipulation, control, destruction of self-esteem. In the statistics it look good...only in statistics.

 

LOL this is the perfect answer to the "moving in together doesn't lead to long-lasting relationships.

 

It's been known that in Asian countries, the divorce rate is far lower than in Western countries. So 90% of couples there must have a blissful marriage. Oh the hedonistic, corrupted West

 

Well... I grew up in an Asian country, where most people stay married. Because divorces are still frowned upon (much less these days, and much less in the city, but you can bet in the countryside unless your husband has a solid plan and timeline to chop you off into small pieces to feed the wolves, you will most likely stay with him). People there stay together and have crappy marriages; those same people would have divorced right away in other cultures where divorces are not frowned upon. Growing up in such a society caused me to be extremely disillusioned about marriages. Sure, only 1/10 couples is getting a divorce, but the other 4 are having affairs left and right, the other 2 are in permanent domestic abuse but stay "for their children", and maybe there are 3 marriages that seem healthy and happy. Heck, my parents are fairly incompatible and bicker somewhat frequently, but I would still classify them as among the "happiest" in their friends and acquaintances circle. What does the "statistics" say then?

 

Bottom line is, if your love/bond is strong enough AND your lifestyles are compatible, you will stay together no matter whether you move in together before marriages or after. When you move in together has no bearings on the consequences. If you're not compatible, you'll end up going separate ways sooner or later; much better to leave when not legally involved.

[smackie9]

Ryan has yet to respond to his thread......possible post and dash?