Ryan52 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I've been dating this girl for one year and she's amazing. My friends and family love her. My parents told me that she's "incredible" and started talking marriage (Yes I can definitely see myself marrying her). My mom even showed me her old wedding ring so that one day I can give it to her. We are both in our mid to upper 20's and she wants to move in together. She has asked me multiple times in the past few months, but I told her I wasn't sure. She became teary eyed once I said that.... Essentially I do not think I'm ready. I'm not 100% comfortable moving in with a girl after a year of dating. I will lose my alone time, privacy and time with my friends. And I'm somewhat nervous about it, since I've been living with friends for the past few years and have never lived with a significant other. Also one of my best friends wants me to move in with him so this makes it tougher. I have no idea what to do. I definitely do not want to lose her and I definitely do not want to hurt her. I explained myself to her but it hurts her. I was in shock when my parents told me to pick her over my friend since they're very conservative. I just think 1 year of dating may be too soon but if I'm okay after 2 years, why not just get it over with? Your thoughts please. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I will lose my alone time, privacy and time with my friends. And I'm somewhat nervous about it, since I've been living with friends for the past few years and have never lived with a significant other. Also one of my best friends wants me to move in with him so this makes it tougher. I have no idea what to do. I definitely do not want to lose her and I definitely do not want to hurt her. I explained myself to her but it hurts her. I was in shock when my parents told me to pick her over my friend since they're very conservative. I just think 1 year of dating may be too soon but if I'm okay after 2 years, why not just get it over with? Your thoughts please. Are your friends going to keep you warm at night?? Friends come and go, if this woman is something "amazing" (your word), choose her over your friends. Those are my thoughts... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
kassy Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Why will you lose your alone time, privacy and time with your friends? What do you do in your alone time? I mean she won't be with you 24/7 just because you live with her... You both still need to see friends and have time for other stuff. You will still have time alone to chill at home when she is out with her friends, doing hobbies etc Is that really your concern or is it something else? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 A year may be too early for you, and that's ok. It's a big step. If you did move in with your friend, how long would you plan to live with him? As a woman, if I'm in love with a guy and it's a good relationship, I want to see it moving forward... I would perceive your decision to move in with your friend is a big step backward... I would wonder if you are priorizing an independent, party lifestyle with your friends more than settling into a more serious relationship with me. That would not feel good. If you do move in with your friend, make sure it is time limited - say, 6 months or 1 year. But be prepared, she won't wait for you forever... And if I may, the best relationships don't take away your independence. In a healthy relationship, you will still have the ability to spend time alone and with your friends... But yeah, at some point as we all mature, the priority shifts from our friends to building a life with a partner... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I'm def not a fan of people moving in together but I've gotta ask... how could you say that you can definitely see yourself marrying her, yet you can't bear the thought of living together with her? I think this is good example of the type of cognitive dissonance that often goes on in relationships. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Zippy2000 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I know some people who have moved in within 3 months and got engaged within 6 months. Everyone may have a different timescale but after a year. I think you would have known by now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Why will you lose your alone time, privacy and time with your friends? What do you do in your alone time? I mean she won't be with you 24/7 just because you live with her... You both still need to see friends and have time for other stuff. You will still have time alone to chill at home when she is out with her friends, doing hobbies etc Is that really your concern or is it something else? I value my alone time and freedom too. So much so that it makes me question if I could ever get married again, yet at the same time I want to get married again. I like the idea of it. This is also cognitive dissonance. How would I bridge this gap? I'm pretty sure I'd continue to experience these mixed feelings, maybe forever. The only way I can imagine I'd get rid of it is if without me noticing it, and definitely without having discussed it with him beforehand, I suddenly was spending all of my free time with my guy (and happily!) and then he pointed it out that we were always together and never apart and I have been fine. Happy even. Of course, I'd actually have to be happy in this state (not getting any alone time). Boy, that sounds like a nice fantasy. lol Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I have the opposite perspective. After a year of dating if we haven't moved in together, I'd be starting to get quite concerned. I don't believe in wasting time when it comes to dating - life is short and your younger years have value. You can't know if you're truly compatible until you've lived together, and it's better to find out sooner rather than waste more months/years with someone that it's ultimately going to fail with. What if you wait 2 years and then find out within a month of moving in together that it's absolute hell and things can't possibly work out? Wouldn't you rather have known a year earlier? If both partners have mutual respect for one another and there aren't issues of being clingy etc. then it should be easy to get time to yourself and privacy even if you're living together. And if your partner won't let you have that then that might be a reason to question the relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Well, for one thing, when you move in together, you don't automatically lose ALL your privacy or alone time or time with friends. That's where compatibility comes in (and also why I personally think it's essential to live together before making a lifelong commitment) - if you're compatible, you'll accept each others' needs and be able to work things out. That being said, yes, moving in together DOES take a relationship to a new level and yes, you do have to compromise a bit and prioritize your relationship over your friends to a certain extent. But if you're not ready for that sort of compromise, or not willing to prioritize your relationship over friends... honestly, why are you even in a LTR and moreso, talking about marriage? Most people your age are able and willing to move in together after a year together, IMO. If you aren't, you might want to reevaluate if LTRs at this stage of your life is the right thing for you. It's possible that you may be more suited to just casual dating or being single, and that's okay, but you shouldn't be stringing someone along while you're still feeling that way. FWIW, when the SO/fiance and I moved in together, there was a bit of an adjustment, but I've never felt like I don't have any alone time or privacy. We respect each others' needs and while we do spend a lot of time together, we also do things separately sometimes. Moving in together (or even marrying) doesn't have to equate to losing your identity altogether. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I'm personally not a believer in moving in together unless the couple is engaged or there have been serious discussions in that respect (like a plan to get engaged within the next few months). I just don't see any reason to entwine yourself with someone who you aren't sure about yet. It makes it so much more complicated to break up should things go wrong. We see a fair amount of posts on here from people who are trying to break up, but both are on a lease with a long time remaining or one can't afford to move out or who gets what furniture and who gets the dog, etc. and it just seems so unnecessary to deal with if you can avoid it. I think if you aren't ready after a year, that's totally reasonable. You have the rest of your life to live with her if she's the one you choose to spend your life with -- why rush it? Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 What do you want? You are both in your upper 20s and you say that you can see yourself marrying her? Do you really want to? Because now is the time to make that happen. If a wife, family and a picket fence is what you want your late 20s are the time to get started. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tribble Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I think it's perfectly reasonable not to want to move in together. Just so long as there is a yet in there. You should take relationships at a pace you are comfortable with. If you move in when you aren't totally happy with it, you'll end up resenting the compromises that WILL come up. However, it is also totally OK for your gf to be a bit upset. She wants to move the relationship along and you aren't ready yet. What of your current living situation? Do you need to move out soon? Or would you voluntarily move out to live with a friend? How long would you live with this friend? Honestly, this would upset me. You'd be purposefully putting off moving in with the gf for a potentially significant period of time. This is a time when you will need to compromise and communicate. I don't advocate you moving in with your gf but I do think you should think about why. You do seem afraid of losing your independence. Is this an irrational fear or do you think your gf would compromise it? If everything is fine in the relationship and you just need a little more time, you need to communicate that clearly to your gf. Present a time-frame for re-visiting moving in and make it very clear that you are committed to her, just not quite ready for the next step (only if that's true though!). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 If you are serious about her, agree to a time frame where you will live together, and it should be no more than 6 months off unless you are willing to lose her. If you are not ready then, you'd better break up with her, because you can't make a commitment. And, when/if you do live together, agree to boundaries to ensure you can both see your friends and pursue some activities without each other. In fact, discuss how it will work in advance, if you really do intend to do this, so that you both have the same expectations of how it will work. Living together is a trial period prior to getting engaged, IMO. If it doesn't work well, then don't get engaged, and go your separate ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I think it's smart to wait 2 years to move in. An extra year isn't that long and you really get to know someone on that second year. That's all you need, an extra year to build a stronger connection and get to know each other better. Life isn't a race, those who treat it as such often end up divorced. If this woman loves you than she should not have any problem waiting another year. She wants to be with you or she wants a wedding, she needs to understand the difference. When my ex-h and I were ready to marry we met with my parents to speak to them about it. We had been dating 2 years. My parents suggested we wait an extra year and we did. None of us died from waiting another year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 why not try it for a month? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Life isn't a race, those who treat it as such often end up divorced. I completely agree with this principle in general. That being said, the OP's reasons don't sound like they will magically change after an additional year. He cited: I will lose my alone time, privacy and time with my friends. And I'm somewhat nervous about it, since I've been living with friends for the past few years and have never lived with a significant other. Also one of my best friends wants me to move in with him so this makes it tougher. All of this sounds like he might not be ready for a LTR, in my opinion. On the other hand, if he had said something like "I will graduate next year so I'd prefer to wait til then", then I'd take his side. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 why not try it for a month? What a great idea!! Just make sure the apartment is on a month to month lease... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I am reading the words of a man that is not developing feelings at the same speed as his girlfriend and if he says he's not ready she should listen to him. OP speaks about living with room-mates, about his friends wanting to live with him, it appears OP and all of his social network are still living the 'student' life and not at all at that 'settling down' phase. He needs to finish going through this phase, no one should force him to the next level. I am also noticing OP Identifies his girlfriend as a 'girl' and not a woman, and he also doesn't say a word about 'loving her'. All this together makes me think OP is not emotionally ready to face that type of commitment. He may emotionally mature with another year or he may not but 100% he should not be forced into stepping to the next phase. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 If you're not 100% excited about moving in with her at this time, then don't do it. Cohabitation isn't relationship insurance and I agree that there will be some resentment if you feel pressured to move in when you're not fully on board with the idea. Another year isn't that long and you can spend plenty of time at each other's mutual residences. You need to be honest about your concerns, but take a hard look at what you want in a relationship and if it's strongly compatible with what your girlfriend wants. If you're of the mindset "everything is great now, why change it," you need to be honest about that and accept the decision that your girlfriend makes. At some point you need to be excited about moving in and marriage or your girlfriend will understandably move on. If you have a fundamental difference in the way you want the relationship to progress then no amount of logic or a timeline will work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Why not all of you move in together.....kind of a transition. Just get a place where there are two private areas that any of you can use for your alone time, like a two story house with a garage, and make a man cave. Discuss your need for your space, and private time with friends. If she is mature enough she will understand that it is not healthy to be n each other's lap 24/7, and it doesn't mean you don't want to be with her or care for her less. As a married woman, married couples have a lot of "me" time more than she thinks. My husband is out of town for a couple of days right now....to me that's two days of paradise! lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Talk to her about long term plans, short term concerns & compromise. I'd sit her down & tell her what you told us: You love her. You are committed to her but moving in together right now scares you. Explain that you want some more time to date exclusively but if you two are really on a Happily Ever After 'Til Death Do Us Part path, you need some more time to mature because you want this work. If you are truly meant to be together forever, your different addresses should not derail you from that path. Do agree to revisit the issue in a year. Also get her to explain why she's in such an all fired hurry. Tell some of this to your parents if they are pressuring you to move in with her. I'm shocked that they want you to so something that you don't want to do when it comes to your personal life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aiuta le mani Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! So, your parents think that she is incredible and you think that she is amazing. You see yourself marrying this girl. Why don’t you marry her then? It worked for me and I have been happily married for 15 years. We were in our mid 20s and I proposed a bit after the first year of dating. We got married after another year and never lived together until we were married! I did not lose anything! Up to this very day, I have alone time, privacy and time with my friends in a healthy balance! I gained a lot by marrying young and experiencing growing up together! My advice to you: Propose to her, agree on a date, get married and move in together when you are married! Keep open communication and be honest about your thoughts and feelings! Keep moving forward my friend! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 I am not a fan of moving in together. Firstly, people do not live together because they want to live together, they do it for financial reasons first and foremost (in the three situations I have been in where someone it was brought up, it was casually mentioned by two and directly mentioned by the third - all three were looking for financial reasons listed first not because they wanted to live with me). Second, it doesn't work if people live together first. Why? We're not sure why, studies have shown, it just seems that the sense of commitment does not stick with people for some reason. If you see yourself marrying her someday (which I hope you do), by all means, if you are going to move in with her, at least be engaged to be married first. That way you will be committed enough to do so. You don't have to get married IMMEDIATELY when you move in with her, but you have to be more committed than just moving in because you want to save money. Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 I don’t really understand why couples would move in together so early. I feel the only real reason to do it is if you decide to have kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 I don't think you should move in together. I think you should consider getting engaged to her but not live together. The engagement period can be up to one year. If after two years being together you still don't want to get married, then consider letting her go. If she wants to have children, she's at a good age for that. But I understand you are maybe not ready in your mind or you don't feel your career is secure yet so you're not sure if you're ready to start a family. It's just so nice to see young married couples with little babies 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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