Not there for me when i needed him the most

[fooloflurve]

I met my boyfriend, he is wonderful and everything, very passionate in life, but a workaholic, we had this issue before when i was sick and i really needed emotional support and he did not gave it to me, he checks his phone and he ignore my texts, only replying to work stuff, that was in december, he changed a bit and he tried to make me more of a priority, called me up more than usual and it was kinda weird rethinking of it.

 

Now in Jan, he did it again, i had some problems with my bladder and i told him i wasnt feeling so great, i wasnt even asking for him to come to my place straight away or whatever ( cause he is always working), i texted him at 6pm and he did not replied to me until 10pm, when he did checked his phone multiple times.

 

This builds up in me and i don't know if i should go on with him when what he cares about is his work, and im the 2nd, because whenever he finsihes work his time is all mine, but take note he works more than 14 hours a day, where leads to finishing around midnight all the time, working also on weekends.

 

I don't know if i should give up or try to tell him again that i dont see my effort being reciprocate because when he sprained his back, i did so much for him bring him to the doctor, even searched up so much good specialist nearby for him, and what have he do for me? Failing to even replying a simple text..

 

Sorry if this sounds really emotional because i am so sick of giving and not having something the same back, and he is always going to be busy chasing after his dreams, i feel so neglected when i need him the most he will just fail to be there for me in a timely matter.

[basil67]

Hope you're feeling better soon.

 

Honestly, there's no point bringing up the topic. Your guy is a workaholic, so if you're hoping for change on his part, it's not going to happen.

 

Time for you to make the stay or go decision.

[Happy Lemming]

You know... I'd say cut him some slack if he worked 45-50 hours a week, but 14 hours a day and the weekends, not so much.

 

Some people are married to their jobs, but I never was.

 

A wise older man once told me "Do you want your tombstone to say, Boy I wished I'd spent less time at work?" My interpretation was to strike a healthy balance of work and play. Personally, anything over 50 hours/week was too much for me.

 

NEXT!!

[d0nnivain]

I do hope you are feeling better.

 

Some men don't know how to provide emotional support. I had to teach my husband how to do it. He basically ran away from emotions. I have learned to get more of my emotional support from the women in my life.

 

When the chips are really down he is there. He showed up when I was hospitalized. He never left my side during my parents' funerals. Granted he didn't have the right words but he just hugged me & let me cry.

 

Whether you stay or go is up to you but if you take the time to teach him what you want & he's open to doing it, you may have something. However you can't just say I want you to "be there for me" or "give me emotional support." You have to say. . . return my texts, hug me, or go get me soup . . .whatever specific thing you need to have happen.

[LuckyM]

This does not sound like a good situation for you.

 

He obviously works too much to have time for you and he probably will not change. I would not like it at all, and I'd wonder if he really is working those hours.

[Gaeta]

If he doesn't care for you in your moments of needs then it doesn't matter he's a fantastic guy if he's not being a boyfriend.

 

Workaholics don't change. They'll twist their behavior a bit to please you but they'll always go back to their addiction.

 

I think you're at a crossroad and you need to decide if this is the type of relationship you want.

[Calmandfocused]

I'm a bit on the fence about this. It depends on so many variables like is he working all the time so he can provide a future for you both? Is his aim to be financially secure so that he can purchase a family home etc? His motives are important here.

 

Part of me thinks his work ethic admirable. On the contrary lazy blokes who don't/ won't work are a big turn off in my opinion.

 

In my experience you need to tell him what you need. From past experience telling someone you need emotional support doesn't help with clarity. Be specific with your needs and see if he's motivated to at least try and meet them. In the same way you need to respect and support the passion he has for his work.

[Gaeta]

To me, this is not about him working too much, it's about him not caring.

 

I said it many times on here. My BF works 16 hours a day, he works Saturdays often and I have never once complained about it because even though he's super busy he makes a point of calling me 3 times a day, his day wouldn't be right if he didn't say good morning to me, and as the day goes by he wonders how's my day, did I solve my big work problem, what did the vet say concerning my dog, etc, he keeps all events of my life in mind and he calls me late afternoon to hear how's everything.

 

That's the difference between a man that works a lot but care, and a man that works a lot and don't care.

[Zahara]

I have to agree with Gaeta.

 

Having been on both ends of the spectrum, I now see the difference between a person that cares and a person that doesn't.

 

I had an ex that was a workaholic. One thing that I noticed in him was that he would get frustrated when I was sick and needed help. He felt put upon. I chalked that up to him being busy. He just didn't want to be encumbered by my "trivialities". Sometimes I think he used the "busy" excuse to avoid me/relationship.

 

My current boyfriend runs his own business and works long hours and sometimes into the weekend, has fulltime charge of his kids, and still never fails to text me in the morning, and through the day to see how my day is going and makes it a point to call at the end of each day to check-in/hear my voice/say goodnight. Even with a busy weekend, he makes plans to make sure we get some quality time together.

 

When people care, they show you. They show effort. You can have more than one priority in your life. You shouldn't have to be just a number on a list.

[heavenonearth]

When my

Boyfriend works a 15 hour day he still calls me in the evening or sends a text during his lunch break.

 

I think that if a guy really cares for you he will make the effort.

[mortensorchid]

I hope you get well soon.

 

Aside from that, he sounds very self centered. He is not there for you in times when you need him to be and seems to blame you or other things. I was with someone like him years ago - he never wanted to do anything. I'd invite him out to do things, he'd refuse, then he'd get angry for my not including him in it because he forgot he rejected it. I wish I could tell you something better with this guy other than "he's self centered" but I think that is the answer.

[she'stheone]

Hi fooloflurve,

 

Sorry you've been sick, I hope your feeling better.

 

Here's the thing, not everyone is going to love you and treat you the way you want.

 

It sounds to me as that is what's going on here.

 

Regardless of how your boyfriend may feel about you, he is NOT giving YOU what you need/want. This is the bottom line.

 

Being upset because you were there for him when YOU thought he needed you (back trouble) doesn't mean he will act the same and judging him for it is NOT fair. He simply may not have it in him.

 

This is NOT to say you should accept his behavior, you should NOT.

 

How other men treat other women doesn't matter either. All that matters is how this man treats you AND if it's enough for you (It would seem it is not).

 

As for teaching him how to treat you, while that is an option, it seems to me, he behaves so far from what you want, it would be a waste of time and effort and will only cause you additional pain.

 

My girlfriend used to date an amazing man. He was perfect in every way except...

 

...he had anger issues and while he never hit her, he did verbally abuse her.

 

She stayed with this man on and off for over 4 years because he promised he'd change and he did...a little...but never enough.

 

I know this man and he was AMAZING. He just wasn't able to give my girl what she needed and wanted so she left him.

 

Many people can seem like they are amazing and their ONLY flaw is something we can't live with.

 

But, that's what it's all about isn't it? Finding someone who is amazing in EVERY way. Not necessarily perfect but perfect for YOU because they do the things you need and want, even if they don't do everything else perfectly.

 

I am not the neatest man in the world (that's being kind btw) my love goddess is very neat. Why would she put up with the likes of me?

 

Because I give her what she wants and needs. She can look the other way with some of my imperfections because those things aren't as important.

 

Figure out what's important to YOU, if this man can't fulfill your needs in those departments move on.

 

Sending you much love and light

[smackie9]

Your answer is pretty clear...you both have different expectations about communication and level of attention. Doesn't matter if he looks good on paper and is generally a nice guy...that isn't a reason to stay in this relationship. You are not compatible. your best bet is to end it and meet a more nurturing, focused on you type guy. They are out there.....next time don't settle for less.

[snowboy91]

I think that if a guy really cares for you he will make the effort.

 

This.

 

It's clearly important to you OP to have someone who cares for you the same way you care for them. That's not what you're getting in the relationship, so you need to discuss this with him in clear terms. If he continues to fail to fulfil those needs then you may need to consider leaving.

[GemmaUK]

I don't know how old you are OP but maybe it's an age and maturity thing?

 

One side of it is this -

You did get into a relationship with someone who works long hours - 14 hours a day and weekends. I think that's what you need to consider here.

Many people work long hours or two jobs or have times when overime is a necessity and you also say this:

bwhenever he finsihes work his time is all mine

So he is giving you all of his time outside work.

Most people need some space in relationships and down time for just themselves but it sounds like he is giving all he possibly can.

 

The other side - you say you were sick in December and you're 'not feeling so great' now with something up with your bladder. Were/are either of these conditions life threatening?

If you are able to type on a forum then you are able to call an ambulance.

 

But you say you need 'emotional support' for not feeling well.

I can understand to some degree if there is a severe emergency but 4 hours to reply when he is working and you have maybe a bladder infection (?)(symptoms including pain when passing water, feeling a need to pass water all the time, stomach pain, temperature and blood on passing water) then I wouldn't call that a severe emergency situation. If I am guessing right and it's a bladder infection then this is a very common illness.

 

Do you expect a partner to be there and with you each time you feel ill?

Unless a spouse/partner/close relative is very very sick people don't usually rush out of work to go and look after them. It's not like a child who cannot take care of themselves and is too young to be home alone.

 

If you don't want to date someone who works long hours then end this but you might need to re-think your expectations if anytime you are not feeling well you expect them to come running to look after you emotionally.

[heavenonearth]

I don't know how old you are OP but maybe it's an age and maturity thing?

 

One side of it is this -

You did get into a relationship with someone who works long hours - 14 hours a day and weekends. I think that's what you need to consider here.

Many people work long hours or two jobs or have times when overime is a necessity and you also say this:

 

So he is giving you all of his time outside work.

Most people need some space in relationships and down time for just themselves but it sounds like he is giving all he possibly can.

 

The other side - you say you were sick in December and you're 'not feeling so great' now with something up with your bladder. Were/are either of these conditions life threatening?

If you are able to type on a forum then you are able to call an ambulance.

 

But you say you need 'emotional support' for not feeling well.

I can understand to some degree if there is a severe emergency but 4 hours to reply when he is working and you have maybe a bladder infection (?)(symptoms including pain when passing water, feeling a need to pass water all the time, stomach pain, temperature and blood on passing water) then I wouldn't call that a severe emergency situation. If I am guessing right and it's a bladder infection then this is a very common illness.

 

Do you expect a partner to be there and with you each time you feel ill?

Unless a spouse/partner/close relative is very very sick people don't usually rush out of work to go and look after them. It's not like a child who cannot take care of themselves and is too young to be home alone.

 

If you don't want to date someone who works long hours then end this but you might need to re-think your expectations if anytime you are not feeling well you expect them to come running to look after you emotionally.

 

 

Just FYI, issues with the bladder doesn’t necessarily mean only a bladder infection. A lot of things can be wrong with the bladder. And yes - it can be life threatening. I once had “some issues with me bladder”, as OP describes, and really needed the support of my partner but he didn’t feel like sticking around for that - it wasn’t a bladder infection, but the onset of a year long chronic illness. And chronic illness is no joke - it really limits your life a great amount and tears on your mental health as well.

 

I think it is important to not take these things lightly. I had many partners who didn’t want to deal with me because of my illness. But if someone really loves you, they will stick with you through the difficult times as well.

[Lorenza]

I don't know how old you are OP but maybe it's an age and maturity thing?

 

One side of it is this -

You did get into a relationship with someone who works long hours - 14 hours a day and weekends. I think that's what you need to consider here.

Many people work long hours or two jobs or have times when overime is a necessity and you also say this:

 

So he is giving you all of his time outside work.

Most people need some space in relationships and down time for just themselves but it sounds like he is giving all he possibly can.

 

The other side - you say you were sick in December and you're 'not feeling so great' now with something up with your bladder. Were/are either of these conditions life threatening?

If you are able to type on a forum then you are able to call an ambulance.

 

But you say you need 'emotional support' for not feeling well.

I can understand to some degree if there is a severe emergency but 4 hours to reply when he is working and you have maybe a bladder infection (?)(symptoms including pain when passing water, feeling a need to pass water all the time, stomach pain, temperature and blood on passing water) then I wouldn't call that a severe emergency situation. If I am guessing right and it's a bladder infection then this is a very common illness.

 

Do you expect a partner to be there and with you each time you feel ill?

Unless a spouse/partner/close relative is very very sick people don't usually rush out of work to go and look after them. It's not like a child who cannot take care of themselves and is too young to be home alone.

 

If you don't want to date someone who works long hours then end this but you might need to re-think your expectations if anytime you are not feeling well you expect them to come running to look after you emotionally.

 

I think what OP wanted was a few words of comfort and a simple "how are you feeling, do you need anything?" we all like to hear when we're unwell. It didn't sound to me, like she expected him to leave work and rush to her. A condition doesn't have to be life threatening for you to expect your partner to call and ask if everything's fine or drop by after work with some hot soup and medicines.

 

I remember having bladder infection (if that's what it is) and I couldn't go outside due to the constant need to go to the toilet. Someone bringing me grosseries was very helpful. Sure, it's not good to be dependent, but why bother entering a relationship if you can't count on your partner to help you out in times of need?

 

Bringing grosseries/medicine for your partner when they're sick, calling them and asking how they're feeling, helping with moving, stopping by to feed their pet when they're away etc are completely normal if there's possibility. When you're with someone, it should feel natural to suggest to do these things. Or at least call and ask if everything's fine.

[Gaeta]

I think that if a guy really cares for you he will make the effort.

 

You know what's even better than making an effort...it's for it to come to him naturally. I bet if you told your boyfriend this morning there was blood in your urine and you felt pain, I bet he would have gone to work worrying and he would have checked up on you later in the day, just like any other *caring* boyfriend.

[heavenonearth]

You know what's even better than making an effort...it's for it to come to him naturally. I bet if you told your boyfriend this morning there was blood in your urine and you felt pain, I bet he would have gone to work worrying and he would have checked up on you later in the day, just like any other *caring* boyfriend.

 

Exactly. There is no need to try to care about someone if you love them - you will naturally care about it if they feel ill or if they are going through something that may be worrisome with regards to a person's health!

[she'stheone]

Exactly. There is no need to try to care about someone if you love them - you will naturally care about it if they feel ill or if they are going through something that may be worrisome with regards to a person's health!

 

Hi heavenonearth,

 

You are correct, there is no need to TRY to care about someone if you love them and...

 

Caring is in the eye of the beholder. What one person deems to be caring is different to what another person deems caring.

 

For some people, caring means, calling 3 times per day, texting the same amount and ALWAYS saying I love you. For this person anything less than that is NOT caring.

 

This does NOT mean that someone who doesn't do these things doesn't care (It might mean that, it might not) it may simply mean that this person doesn't see that as caring.

 

Once again, this is why communication is SO VERY IMPORTANT.

 

My love goddess does all the laundry (thank god:p). I would always pull off my socks so they were inside out, I never gave it a second thought.

 

For my girl, she felt I was being disrespectful and she wouldn't fold my socks after they were dry

 

She told me how she felt and I made an effort to make sure my socks are always turned the right way. Now, she gladly folds my socks.

 

If she took the attitude of "he should turn his socks out and I'm not doing his damn socks until he does" without explaining it to me, then we may have broken up already, simply because I was doing something that she didn't like without telling me.

 

For her, it was a lack of respect, which I think is ridiculous, but...

 

It doesn't matter what I think, it's something that is important to her and I gladly do it for her.

 

The point here is I would never have known if she didn't kindly and compassionately tell me what was bothering her.

 

While I understand that being sick vs turning my socks around may seem to be very different, it's something I would never have done on my own.

 

When my father was dying of cancer, my sister almost never visited him in the hospital. Was it because she didn't care? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

 

She was devastated by the whole thing. Unfortunately for her, she wasn't good at coping with it so she avoided it. This is way worse than the OP who was just feeling a little sick.

 

We all need to be more understanding of other people and communicate with them kindly and compassionately. If after that, they can not meet your needs/wants move on.

 

Remember, our definition of caring may be different from our partners (as was mine with my love goddess and my socks). Communication is how we resolve these differences.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Lorenza]

I think I have a good example of caring vs trying to care.

 

I had some heart issues during the night and wrote to my boyfriend (now ex, of course) about it. He was online as he was always up until ~4 am. He seemed concerned and recommended that I call an ambulance which I ended up doing and was taken to the ER.

I had to spend the night at the hospital and get some procedures done the next morning. As I was laying down waiting for my electrocardiogram, scrolling through Facebook, I saw that my ex was up and shared some stupid meme on his Facebook page. He was up and the first thing he did was sharing some picture and writing a comment about it. It took him 30 more minutes to answer to my last message about staying over at the hospital.

Of course, I was upset and confronted him about it. I asked how come it takes him an hour after waking to even open and read my message, when he knows I was taken to the ER during the night. He got very irritated and said that he needed some time to wake up and he didn't have the mental strength to answer right away. Besides, he did ask, so what was I unhappy about?

 

Someone who naturally cared, wouldn't even think about scrolling through funny pictures and taking their time to wake up before contacting their partner in the hospital. Most likely, they wouldn't even get a good sleep worrying and call first thing in the morning. However, a person who tries to care attends to their own needs first until they realise it is expected of them to wonder if everything's ok.

 

I hope that this relevant to OP's situation and will give her some insight.

[Gaeta]

If OP's boyfriend cared, if he had a particular different way of showing it OP would know, right?

 

I have a female friend who's not the type at listening. If something bad happens to me and I tell her I have 0 reaction from her, she'll say something like : oh it sucks and she changes the subject BUT 100% of the time at the end of the conversation she'll invite me over for dinner or she'll take me out to eat somewhere. That's how I know she cares by being physically next to me and being kind to me.

[GemmaUK]

I think what OP wanted was a few words of comfort and a simple "how are you feeling, do you need anything?" we all like to hear when we're unwell.

That's a thing that isn't always possible immediately when people are at work.

We don't know what he does for a living, what the work rules are over mobile phones - OP hasn't elaborated.

 

It didn't sound to me, like she expected him to leave work and rush to her.

She did say that she didn't expect him to rush right away which to me implied he would have been better to rush to her as soon as he could.

 

A condition doesn't have to be life threatening for you to expect your partner to call and ask if everything's fine or drop by after work with some hot soup and medicines.

 

I remember having bladder infection (if that's what it is) and I couldn't go outside due to the constant need to go to the toilet. Someone bringing me grosseries was very helpful. Sure, it's not good to be dependent, but why bother entering a relationship if you can't count on your partner to help you out in times of need?

 

Bringing grosseries/medicine for your partner when they're sick, calling them and asking how they're feeling, helping with moving, stopping by to feed their pet when they're away etc are completely normal if there's possibility. When you're with someone, it should feel natural to suggest to do these things. Or at least call and ask if everything's fine.

 

Agree, but also, even with a chronic or just intense bladder or kidney complaint you can go out if you have nothing in the house. I have done so many times.

However, she said she had communicated that she 'wasn't feeling so great' which if I was her friend/partner doesn't tell me she needs me to help her, get food or medicines because she cannot look after herself for reasons beyond her control.

It also doesn't signal big time to me to check in right away and in fact it might be better not to bother said person if they needed pure rest/sleep.

 

Going back looking at OPs threads she is trying to be less needy and clingy as she is aware she has a habit of being that way.

 

Also, please let's not forget that she said herself that all of his free time belongs to her. To me that sounds unhealthy but if that is what he wants to do, great, if she expects that though then that is a heck of a lot of pressure on him.

It honestly sounds like he is absolutely always there when he can be but he has no time for just himself - maybe his only free-ish time is when he is at work - on the toilet.

 

If he is lessening contact or actually didn't care at all then maybe he is feeling smothered.

But also signs he is pulling back altogether would be a case of she should end it.

Edited February 1, 2018 by GemmaUK