Forced into having "the talk" by awkward misunderstanding. Now I'm worried...

January 30, 2018

I met this guy online who I've been "casually" dating for about a month and a half. He has a really great job that unfortunately requires him to travel a lot, (few days to a week at a time) but thus far he's made a point to keep in good communication even when he's gone. Things have been going at a really good steady pace as we've made a point to see each other couples of times during the week, but still maintain our own busy lives while we are still getting to know each other.

As we've been seeing each other more and I find myself really liking him, my self proclaimed insecurity side has kicked in I've been struggling with the idea that there just "has" to be something wrong with the guy seeing as how this relationship has run smoother than many of my other dating encounters have. He's adorable kind, unselfish, funny, intelligent, always remembers little things about me that I mention...and for the past couple of weeks I have been foolishly waiting for the other shoe to drop somehow.

Here is the important part of the story**

I have been waiting to have "the talk" about with him about exclusivity until I felt that I really liked him and could see myself with him. Well...this past weekend we spent a day together, went hiking, had a nice lunch, then went back to his place to chill and watch a movie. We got to his house, ending up hooking up (very normal for us) then decided to go to the hot tub. Before we went, we did end up smoking some weed and getting very high (I rarely smoke so it didn't take much) When we got back from the hot tub, took a shower, and started to get dressed. This is the point...where I was so high...that I found my underwear on the floor and didn't even recognize them as my own...I wish I were kidding. lol So naturally I called him out (on the verge of wanting to cry) And he assured me he didn't know who they could belong to considering he hadn't been seeing/sleeping with anyone else since we started seeing each other. He was genuinely confused as he got up and retraced our steps as I realized in horror that they were in fact my own underwear. lol

I apologized over and over again, burying my head as he laughed hysterically while trying to comfort me. After the misunderstanding however, we were prompted into an awkward conversation about exclusivity and whatnot. He was laughing, but I could tell it jarred him a bit. We both admitted that we both really like seeing each other, but he mentioned that he usually likes to take relationships slow seeing as he moves around a lot/travels for work. To me this wasn't really an answer, but I was still embarrassed and didn't really press the conversation. We laughed some more and continued with our night. As we were watching a movie about 45 mins later however, he randomly breaks the silence and says "so I guess I have the right to ask...are YOU seeing other people??" and I told him no; then he changed the subject back to the movie. Things seemed a tad bit tense, but nothing really too bad after that. I stayed the night and everything seem pretty ok. I think I am just paranoid on what his take on all this might be. I'm worried that, even though in hindsight, it was a hilarious misunderstanding, this might have secretly turned him off. It's been about a day since we've spoken so I can't really tell if anything is off; For us it's pretty normal to talk 2-3 times a week.

I guess my true question is what is your take on all of this? Could I have tainted his interest by unintentionally coming off as crazy/clingy??

Edited January 30, 2018 by Free2be89

January 30, 2018

Relax.

If this is enough to spook him he is probably messed up. You dated for a moth and a half. It’s not like you were on a first date.

January 30, 2018

I guess my true question is what is your take on all of this? Could I have tainted his interest by unintentionally coming off as crazy/clingy??

Hey op, great story to tell the kids if you ever have them with him

I wouldn't worry in the least. In fact, I think it's great chance to make it a little inside joke with him. Randomly pull out things that obviously belong to you and ask him if he's seeing anyone. Best is if you have little niece or nephew and when they're around, accuse him of fathering a child. Do it when you want to have sex and it can be your signal that the heat is on.

January 30, 2018

The fact that you were clearly upset that you thought there was someone else's underwear on the floor tells me that you want to be exclusive.

Guess who got that impression too.

If you've been hanging out for a month and banging, I think it's perfectly reasonable to at the very least be sexually exclusive, at the very least for health reasons.

Don't worry about what he thinks.

Take care of your own needs (it's attractive when a woman thinks this way).

You should revisit that talk again with a clear answer.

January 30, 2018

The fact that you were clearly upset that you thought there was someone else's underwear on the floor tells me that you want to be exclusive.
Guess who got that impression too.

If you've been hanging out for a month and banging, I think it's perfectly reasonable to at the very least be sexually exclusive, at the very least for health reasons.

Don't worry about what he thinks.
Take care of your own needs (it's attractive when a woman thinks this way).
You should revisit that talk again with a clear answer.

I definitely agree with you. He actually mentioned revisiting the conversation later himself if I wanted. Why later rather than in that immediate moment, I'm not sure. I think I was caught off guard by my own emotions myself. I never expected to get that upset while trying to take things slow. I didn't yell or anything, but according to him I looked very hurt and disappointed. I guess I just feel exposed now, and the uncertainty is getting to me.

January 30, 2018

I definitely agree with you. He actually mentioned revisiting the conversation later himself if I wanted. Why later rather than in that immediate moment, I'm not sure. I think I was caught off guard by my own emotions myself. I never expected to get that upset while trying to take things slow. I didn't yell or anything, but according to him I looked very hurt and disappointed. I guess I just feel exposed now, and the uncertainty is getting to me.

its better he wants to revisit the talk....than not and ignore it was ever talked about.......shows interest...in making sure you are both on the same page...and thats a good thing..deb

January 30, 2018

Oh my God that's a hilarious story. You were so stoned you couldn't even recognize your own underwear. Classic!

Don't worry about a thing. Everything that he did seems to point to him being that only okay with it but okay with being exclusive with you. Don't overthink this. But have the conversation at some point and the fact that he mentioned that he's open to having that conversation means he wants to have that conversation. don't get clingy don't get embarrassed don't play it cool. Just keep doing what you've been doing and have fun. You guys will laugh about this for a long long time.

January 30, 2018

Random - I've always thought that if I ever wanted to get back at a married or cohabitating dude I would simply go to his house and chuck a pair of panties into the laundry clothes bin. I've actually been in the situation. I swapped houses with my sister and somehow a pair of her panties ended up in the laundry cycle. It took multiple phone calls and texted pictures of said panties to my sister in order to exonerate myself with my then-girlfriend.

January 30, 2018

I met this guy online who I've been "casually" dating for about a month and a half. He has a really great job that unfortunately requires him to travel a lot, (few days to a week at a time) but thus far he's made a point to keep in good communication even when he's gone. Things have been going at a really good steady pace as we've made a point to see each other couples of times during the week, but still maintain our own busy lives while we are still getting to know each other.

As we've been seeing each other more and I find myself really liking him, my self proclaimed insecurity side has kicked in I've been struggling with the idea that there just "has" to be something wrong with the guy seeing as how this relationship has run smoother than many of my other dating encounters have. He's adorable kind, unselfish, funny, intelligent, always remembers little things about me that I mention...and for the past couple of weeks I have been foolishly waiting for the other shoe to drop somehow.

Here is the important part of the story**
I have been waiting to have "the talk" about with him about exclusivity until I felt that I really liked him and could see myself with him. Well...this past weekend we spent a day together, went hiking, had a nice lunch, then went back to his place to chill and watch a movie. We got to his house, ending up hooking up (very normal for us) then decided to go to the hot tub. Before we went, we did end up smoking some weed and getting very high (I rarely smoke so it didn't take much) When we got back from the hot tub, took a shower, and started to get dressed. This is the point...where I was so high...that I found my underwear on the floor and didn't even recognize them as my own...I wish I were kidding. lol So naturally I called him out (on the verge of wanting to cry) And he assured me he didn't know who they could belong to considering he hadn't been seeing/sleeping with anyone else since we started seeing each other. He was genuinely confused as he got up and retraced our steps as I realized in horror that they were in fact my own underwear. lol

I apologized over and over again, burying my head as he laughed hysterically while trying to comfort me. After the misunderstanding however, we were prompted into an awkward conversation about exclusivity and whatnot. He was laughing, but I could tell it jarred him a bit. We both admitted that we both really like seeing each other, but he mentioned that he usually likes to take relationships slow seeing as he moves around a lot/travels for work. To me this wasn't really an answer, but I was still embarrassed and didn't really press the conversation. We laughed some more and continued with our night. As we were watching a movie about 45 mins later however, he randomly breaks the silence and says "so I guess I have the right to ask...are YOU seeing other people??" and I told him no; then he changed the subject back to the movie. Things seemed a tad bit tense, but nothing really too bad after that. I stayed the night and everything seem pretty ok. I think I am just paranoid on what his take on all this might be. I'm worried that, even though in hindsight, it was a hilarious misunderstanding, this might have secretly turned him off. It's been about a day since we've spoken so I can't really tell if anything is off; For us it's pretty normal to talk 2-3 times a week.

I guess my true question is what is your take on all of this? Could I have tainted his interest by unintentionally coming off as crazy/clingy??

Funny story, hahaha.

You obviously want exclusivity. I don't blame you. Don't be afraid of scaring him off because of what happened. If this guy really likes you, he will stick around and be exclusive with you.

I get that he may want to take things slow, whatever his reasons may be, like travelling a lot for work. But being exclusive doesn't equal marriage. You could take things slow and be exclusive. You two are exchanging bodily fluids, why wouldn't you want to be exclusive?

Don't ever be afraid to tell your potential partner what you want. Be confident, upfront and honest. I know it's not always easy to talk about sensitive topics, but you have to do it.

Don't wait too long to have the "talk." You two sort of already discussed it. So keep the momentum going.

January 30, 2018

It was a funny story but I think he's one of those dudes that wants to screw you and definitely doesn't want you screwing other guys, but he doesn't want a relationship with you. You are valuable enough to him to be sexually exclusive with (it's a pain in the ass for most men to get new women to have sex with, so doing this is easy) but not valuable enough for him to make you his girlfriend (and def not wife).

It's too early to complain about this but I'd say revisit the talk in another month. If he still doesn't want to commit because "I'm so busy with work, etc", then it's time for you to start seeing other people.

January 30, 2018

Oh my God that's a hilarious story. You were so stoned you couldn't even recognize your own underwear. Classic!

So I WAS majorly stoned adding fuel to the fire but I do have an alternate explanation. Lol the underwear came as set with a bra that I bought a few weeks ago. I could really care less about the underwear, so I never wore them. When I ran home to change after we went hiking, I grabbed the first pair of black underwear my hand could find in the drawer thinking they were my regular black "sexy time panties". So when I found them on the floor later on (satin sheen feel, loopy fringe, big ugle bow in the middle) I was like...these are NOT my tacky hideous panties.

January 30, 2018

Random - I've always thought that if I ever wanted to get back at a married or cohabitating dude I would simply go to his house and chuck a pair of panties into the laundry clothes bin. I've actually been in the situation. I swapped houses with my sister and somehow a pair of her panties ended up in the laundry cycle. It took multiple phone calls and texted pictures of said panties to my sister in order to exonerate myself with my then-girlfriend.

I think that was/is part of the reason I felt so bad about it. From his point of view at some point it had to seem like a set up. lol

January 30, 2018

I wouldn't worry about the exclusive label with this guy. It doesn't compute to me why he wouldn't just label it, when you're both already exclusive with each other, but what ever. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions show he really likes you, cares for you, and is seeing only you. A great start.

P.S. thanks for the laugh!

January 30, 2018

I had that exact thing happen to me with a girl several months ago except it was my daughter's underwear (and we weren't high). She flipped out. Then she eventually believed me. But it never sat well with me afterward. Turned out she was (and I used this term rarely) crazy jealous all the time.

Honestly, I think your only chance is to be funny about it as often as possible so that the self-deprecation takes away the stress. Say things like, "Hey, so after last time, I've decided not to wear panties around you just to be safe."

January 31, 2018

You gotta admit to yourself, that is actually a hilarious story. Stories like that are what often build great relationships.

I feel he understood that having "that" conversation while stoned is not a good idea. He asked you more out of curiosity than anything I believe.

If you guys talk 2-3 times a week and it's only been 1 day then relax. It's fine. Schedule your next "date" as per usual and take it from there.

January 31, 2018

I’m sorry but I’m with pops. I think if you’ve been dating someone that long and had sex and he says he hasn’t been seeing others but he’s not rdy to be in an exclusive relationship or drawing a distinction he is keeping his options open. Hes not wanting to commit. I’m not sure, but just my guess..I’d stay away from travel guys if you’re looking for something serious. As one user here puts it, a girl in every port or something like that

Good luck to you guys though and hope you let us know how it pans out

Edited January 31, 2018 by Cookiesandough

January 31, 2018

I'm not in agreement that you have to keep bringing up the underwear incident, especially now when things are so, so new. If it were me, I would lean toward not mentioning it and seeing where things go. Especially since it felt super awkward and it wasn't your intention to "have the talk," I'd be inclined to let it drop. Sure, if you two become an item in the longer term, it might be very funny, but at the moment when things are very new and undefined, I personally wouldn't revisit it unnecessarily.

January 31, 2018

I’m sorry but I’m with pops. I think if you’ve been dating someone that long and had sex and he says he hasn’t been seeing others but he’s not rdy to be in an exclusive relationship or drawing a distinction he is keeping his options open. Hes not wanting to commit. I’m not sure, but just my guess..I’d stay away from travel guys if you’re looking for something serious. As one user here puts it, a girl in every port or something like that

Good luck to you guys though and hope you let us know how it pans out

A lot of men and women travel for work and are in serious relationships.

January 31, 2018

Certainly greymatter, just the odds of it when compounded with his “not ready for a relationship” thing, meeting online, it just sounds like a similar tune heard many times before here. But could it be different, of course

January 31, 2018

Certainly greymatter, just the odds of it when compounded with his “not ready for a relationship” thing, meeting online, it just sounds like a similar tune heard many times before here. But could it be different, of course

It sounds like they are in a relationship albeit 1-1/2 months into it so it's early for them, and they are taking things slowly. That doesn't equate to not "ready for a relationship." Unless I missed somewhere in the thread that he said that.

Meeting online shouldn't be an influencing factor here in terms of the merits of the coupling, imo.

January 31, 2018

the weed.. the weed got her. if you want clarity. get clear. if you want to get loose, get loose

January 31, 2018

I see no reason to worry. He handled the little misunderstanding pretty well, then asked about your status,really no signs of anything bad here. You are maybe still feeling a bit embarrassed by your mistake so I yhink you are just experiencing slight paranoia over it. It will pass.

January 31, 2018

It sounds like they are in a relationship albeit 1-1/2 months into it so it's early for them, and they are taking things slowly. That doesn't equate to not "ready for a relationship." Unless I missed somewhere in the thread that he said that.

Meeting online shouldn't be an influencing factor here in terms of the merits of the coupling, imo.

Ive read a few comments that quoted him saying that but that's not what I wrote that he told me. He said when it come to relationships he likes to take

it slow, not that he acouldn't have one.

Just a quick update He invited me over today after work and cooked for me, then went to get desert nearby at a yogurt shop. He actually seems to have kicked into gear as far as being couply is concerned, and mentioned wanting doing something special for Valentine's day. I never brought the underwear back up because it didn't feel necessary.

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