joel Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Got gf at moment but have yet introduce her to my parents. I knew her a while.My nosey parents would ask what she do for living and I’ll tell them she works at factory making clothes, does she drive they ask and I say no, ask what her parents do and I say one works at restaurant and another works at factory. They don’t speak English. My parents ask me why she lived in Canada since age of 8 and she’s 30 now and doing a low end job and why she can’t drive or no drivers licesne. They are telling me find someone who is smarter than me, strong, and can help me and provide family and give value and benefit into our current household or why even marry her. Mom also mentioned if girl can drive that daughter in law can driver her around. Lol. Mom said she getting old and we need someone to help us out. Lol how many girls these days in Canada would cook and clean and work full time job as professional and at same time marry an office assistant guy The thing is if girl has a high end job aka lawyer and drives a bmw why would she date me. They also want a guy who’s also successful white collar. I also got low end job lol You comments and thoughts please They also don’t like girls who wear makeup , get Nails done or any pretty stuff. They think it’s waste of money. they mainly looking for homely women who also makes the money and stays home and does household work Someone who you marry can be of great added benefit and value to me and my parents in helping them be it doing the taxes, driving mom to grocery shopping, great financial management and can take care of family and other stuff .....etc
sdraw108 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 You should be getting a girlfriend that makes you happy and fits in with your future plans. Not so that your parents can be driven around and have their taxes done for them!! If your mum thinks its important for a woman to have a driving license so that she can be driven around, then your mum should follow her own advice and get a driving license, and leave your girlfriend out of the equation! I can understand taking into account your parents feelings when they're looking out for your best interests, and just want a decent partner for their son. But it sounds like their reasons are entirely selfish. They should therefore be ignored. 2
Purrrfect Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Are your parents immigrants from somewhere? They sound very opinionated and bossy. You are right a wealthy attorney or someone who has a masters or PhD is likely way out of your league. Do you like your GF? Do you live with your parents? Sorry but if I was your GF I don’t think I would want to meet your parents. 2
snowboy91 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 So your parents want you to date someone just so they can look after them? Wow, if I wasn't mistaken I'd swear they were looking for a stay-at-home wife to wait on them who is somehow also in a high-level job and thus wealthy... how does that make sense? Trying to be both is incredibly difficult to maintain. They don't seem to care about you finding someone who makes their son happy. My nosey parents would ask what she do for living and I’ll tell them she works at factory making clothes, does she drive they ask and I say no, ask what her parents do and I say one works at restaurant and another works at factory. They don’t speak English. Do you mean your parents don't speak English or your GF's parents? If the former, I'm getting the feeling there are some pretty big cultural expectations on your family's end, where it is the women who usually take care of the elderly, am I correct? They are expecting to be looked after full-time by their family as they get into old age, which is rare these days in Western cultures. Is there a reason why you can't look after them on an as-needed basis when they get older? If not then you may need to explain to them that their expectations need to change... but they won't go without.
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I'd throw it back at them. Ask your parents if they want you to be with somebody solely because of that person's financial status or would they prefer you be with a good person who makes you happy? As for the make-up & nails, just warn any woman you bring home about your parents' narrow minded viewpoints & let her make her own decisions about how she presents herself to them. If my BF told me his parents didn't like make up & nail polish for a 1st meeting I'd be willing to tone them down. I've made wardrobe suggestions to men meeting my family for the 1st time. If you care about your SO, give them a let up on the introduction.
Els Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 How involved are you with your parents? Do you live with them? Do they financially support you? You don't necessarily have to tell them to their face that they're being unreasonable and selfish, but that doesn't mean you have to let them rule your life. In general the wisest course of action is to be nice and polite to them, but date whomever you want to date (and minimize the amount of contact your partner needs to have with your parents). If you let your parents impose these selfish "requirements" on your relationships, you're going to end up a very lonely, sad, and resentful person in the future. 4
Miss Spider Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) I feel you. My mom is first generation Asian American. To this day she has never agreed with my dating choices. Every time she learns of a dating prospect and I ask her what she thinks she says he’s “ugly” and has a weird face (I like to think it’s just because she can’t think of a more polite way to say it in English but she’s pretty blunt) She’ll criticize him like” what is his career? ..... Oh they don’t make much money.” I’ll say “mom, he’s a great guy. money can’t make you happy” “you need it to live” Headbash My dad is more chill with the guys I like and just stays out of my personal life. Though I never introduced my ex to my parents formally. We saw them once at a restaurant I didn’t introduce him as anything but we were with 2 other people. He had tattoos all the way up his neck. don’t know how old you are but I am going to assume you are a self-sufficient adult. You can’t let your parents decide who you love or you won’t be happy. Your parents want what they think is best for you, not necessarily what actually is. Who is best for you is who makes you happy. I know it sucks disappointing them and hearing critical comments, but I am pretty sure your parents will get over it and accept your choice. I’m not saying it will be easy, or they will always be nice about your choice but you are the one who is spending hopefully your life with this person, not them. Be your own person and listen to your folks but don’t let them dictate your life. There comes a time we have to make decisions for ourselves. Best of luck to you!!! Edited January 30, 2018 by Cookiesandough 1
AngryGromit Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Maybe it's time to look for a new set of parents.
Lamartine Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) Your choice of a girlfriend should make you happy. Of course, you want to do as much as you can to foster a good relationship between your girlfriend and your parents, but, in the end, the person you need to please is yourself. They are asking too much. You are not going to find a woman who is willing to do all the household work, work full time, not try to look nice (something that would be essentially in a professional position anyway), stay out of sight when she is not working, and serve your parents as a chauffeur, butler, banker, accountant etc. That woman does not exist. You should do everything you can to support your parents in their advancing age, but you have to draw boundaries...and not allowing them to interfere in your personal life might be one of those. Of course, I suspect there are some cultural and generational issues at play here. If you're a nice guy who is ambitious and caring, you could easily attract a professional woman. I am a lawyer who drives a nice car, and I would date an office worker if I thought he were right for me. I don't think you are going to find such a woman, however, who is willing to de-feminize herself and act as a household employee to your mom and dad. Edited January 30, 2018 by Lamartine 2
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Ummm who's dating your GF you or your parents?
8mia8 Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 In my world and all my friends' world, these are normal expectations. That said, we are all .5-1st gen immigrants from various parts of the world - south america, central eu, east eu, middle east, southeast asia, east asia. Most also fit the general criteria you outlined. It's cultural expectations and coming from a background where the family unit is highly regarded. It's very rare to meet someone outside of these cultures to understand. Even if I did not end up with someone who expects these things from me, I'd be volunteering and I cannot imagine ever putting parents or in-laws in a home. I make 2-3x more than the current person I'm seeing and 4-5x more than someone previous; it's never been an issue because they'e never seen themselves as 'less than' compared to me and I don't throw money around. If you're going to see yourself as "low end," then you will be exactly that. 2
preraph Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 Here it is in a nutshell. Your parents had their own lives to live as they wanted. They don't get yours too. They had their own to make their own choices and if they're so unhappy with them that they feel compelled to tell you what to do in yours, that's their problem. This is YOUR life. It may or may not be the only one you'll get. You sure shouldn't fetter it away trying to make unrealistic parents happy. Tell them you are pretty sure you can pick your own dates. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who makes you happy. That's literally all that matters. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 In my world and all my friends' world, these are normal expectations. That said, we are all .5-1st gen immigrants from various parts of the world - south america, central eu, east eu, middle east, southeast asia, east asia. Most also fit the general criteria you outlined. It's cultural expectations and coming from a background where the family unit is highly regarded. It's very rare to meet someone outside of these cultures to understand. Even if I did not end up with someone who expects these things from me, I'd be volunteering and I cannot imagine ever putting parents or in-laws in a home. I make 2-3x more than the current person I'm seeing and 4-5x more than someone previous; it's never been an issue because they'e never seen themselves as 'less than' compared to me and I don't throw money around. If you're going to see yourself as "low end," then you will be exactly that. Great points. I only partly understand it because I'm half east asian, but even that culture isn't as strict as some parts of the world. It's crazy the pressure that some parents put on their kids in some cultures and how high of a standard they are expected to live up to in every sphere of their life. I know it's easy for me to say "who cares, live your own life" Honor killing aside, can you imagine what it would feel like to be can get shunned by the people who raised and loved you your whole life? Or at the very least have you and your partner received low-key criticism and disapproval from them for the rest of their life? I know most of these parent's mean well, but they are doing so much damage. I'm not talking about the extremism, but just by not letting your kids take their own path with gentle guidance, you are making them lose their identity. It's a form of psychological abuse. JMO.
kendahke Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 That may fly where they're from, but over here in the west, that doesn't fly. I can tell you this much: a smarter woman is not going to marry any man whose parents expect her to fork over her pay in order to subsidize them with their hands out. They are telling me find someone who is smarter than me, strong, and can help me and provide family and give value and benefit into our current household or why even marry her. They're telling you to find someone who they'll work like an animal to help them with their current style of living? Why haven't they done better for themselves so they don't need you to bring in someone to pay their way? That sounds a bit craven and rapacious to me. You need to move out on your own and quit living under your parents' thumbs. Any woman you get with is supposed to help YOU provide for yours and her family, not your parents.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 Certain cultures like Middle Eastern and Eastern tend to view children as little workers in the family labor force, whereas in the modern-day West it's generally understood you'll be more a free agent. While it's easy for the mostly Western posters here to criticize the alternative approach, there are pros and cons to each. I'm pretty sure it's rare for Eastern old people to see their faraway kids once a month if they're lucky, while suffering elder abuse at the hands of strangers in nursing homes, for example. But in the West this is common. You're going to have to figure out for yourself how much you want to adhere to "the old ways" and how much you want to depart. I'd say follow your intuition, as it never lies. Some years ago I was in a relationship with a guy from a Middle Eastern culture who had left his home country to pursue a better life in the U.S. He sent his family money and flew back to see them once or twice a year, but he had his sights set on marrying a Western girl, as he'd always been most drawn to them. They had very little control over what he did. His brother, on the other hand, was very traditional, marrying a village girl then moving back into his parents' house as many men there do. Same family, completely opposite approaches the sons took to the culture and family's expectations. 1
Els Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 While it's easy for the mostly Western posters here to criticize the alternative approach, there are pros and cons to each. I'm not Western. Even in traditional cultures, what the OP mentions is considered pretty unreasonable. It is extremely rare for the average man to find a woman who earns more than him, does all the housework and childcare, takes care of his parents full-time AND wants to be with him! Granted some parents ARE unreasonable, but eventually reality catches up with them. What usually happens is that they start out with insane conditions, and then start relaxing them as their beloved child gets older and older with no prospects anywhere close to those "requirements". I guess that sort of thinking is part of the culture - if you tell your son to bring back 1 million dollars, he might bring back 10k, which wouldn't be so bad... whereas if you tell him to bring back 10k he might bring back 100, which would be terrible. That sort of thing generally isn't too good for the poor kids who take it too seriously though.
Kentucky Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 If my parents told me who I could date or couldn't date, I'd look them in the eye and say: she respects you, you respect her, or you aren't going to be seeing or hearing from me anymore.
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