Mortified by break up reason

[Maggie4]

That last text she sent showed her character: no class. That means you need not wonder if you could have done better, and you need not feel bad.

[Els]

 

I suppose she expected a porn star for a boyfriend and wound up with a mere mortal.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

If expecting more than a 2 minute pumpfest is "expecting a porn star"... yeah, I guess we're all in relationships with porn stars, then.

[kendahke]

If expecting more than a 2 minute pumpfest is "expecting a porn star"... yeah, I guess we're all in relationships with porn stars, then.

 

Like I said:

The first few times, sex can be awkward as people get to know one another; and sometimes, yes, the men can be "enthusiastic", but that usually works itself out once the comfort level and the ability to trust the woman with one's vulnerability is confirmed.

[Els]

Like I said:

 

Makes no sense. If you're comfortable enough to have sex with a woman, you should be comfortable enough to at least try to give her pleasure. That's like saying everyone should be okay with someone talking non stop about themselves while on a date because it'll supposedly get better once they're "more comfortable" with you.

[lurker74]

...for me I don't want to have to tell you what I like, I want you to read my body language and go down on me, most women like that as well as the other hand stuff.

 

Not to hijack the thread, but I've run into a string of women in the last ~24 months that have claimed not to like down stuff. I'm glad to say that I converted a couple of them but still...has the ending of the oughts changed something in (American) women's bodies?

[Gaeta]

OP was drunk both times. It answers all of his questions about why he gave a poor performance and why he wasn't worried about her pleasure first.

[newyorker11356]

Not to hijack the thread, but I've run into a string of women in the last ~24 months that have claimed not to like down stuff. I'm glad to say that I converted a couple of them but still...has the ending of the oughts changed something in (American) women's bodies?

 

Wow, I'm thinking that they were with guys that had no clue what they were doing down there.

[Els]

OP was drunk both times. It answers all of his questions about why he gave a poor performance and why he wasn't worried about her pleasure first.

 

But you get drunk, do a terrible job, then get drunk again the second time...??

 

I mean, I agree that she should have been more communicative. But getting piss drunk and not caring about whether your partner is experiencing pleasure during sex are both choices. Not things that just "happen" to you. Yet he made the same choice repeatedly and didn't even think it was a bad choice until she broke up with him????

 

It would be really interesting to hear from the OP about how he "usually" behaves in bed if that is the case. And why he keeps getting drunk before sex.

[Jennakay08]

Not to hijack the thread, but I've run into a string of women in the last ~24 months that have claimed not to like down stuff. I'm glad to say that I converted a couple of them but still...has the ending of the oughts changed something in (American) women's bodies?

 

Lol maybe the people that were doing it wern't doing it right? I mean yea the real thing is the best but who doesn't like foreplay? That is so odd to me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Lol maybe the people that were doing it wern't doing it right? I mean yea the real thing is the best but who doesn't like foreplay? That is so odd to me.

 

Well, oral sex is by no means safe sex, so perhaps some women are just being careful.

[Imajerk17]

So let me get this straight: You get drunk the first couple times you have sex with her, and then after she ends it, you go off on her and call her a piece of *****?

 

Sorry OP but that's just not a good look.

[some_username1]

I’m just trying to figure out if others would take an otherwise good situation and flush it away because the first sexual experience wasn’t good? To me, it seems like an extreme reaction to just stop talking to me instead of having a conversation about it.

 

You are placing value on something she places no value on whatsoever so why would she bother to try making something that obviously wasn't working for her in the first place work better? Would you bother to try making it work with a girl who you weren't really that attracted to and spent your first intimate experience together, I dunno, throwing up in your room or something? You wouldn't because the juice isn't worth the squeeze.

 

This is something that is a problem for men moreso than women because the way dating works today men are highly expendable. She doesnt have to have long conversations with someone she has known 6 weeks because, as you discovered, she can just go and date someone else. I don't think she is unique either, I used to do the same when i first had a crack at OLD. There have been a few girls i have tried to nice back after I've got drunk and passed out etc. But as time has gone on I have realised that it just isnt worth it when we have been on a handful of dates because the outcome is ALWAYS the same- they move on and date others. And it makes sense as well because if you have to have intimate discussions so early on it shows there are cracks already. Its so easy to replace people these days that you have to get it right first time unless she is sooo blinded by your magnificence that she gives it chance but that is rare indeed.

[Gaeta]

Again, not an excuse, but I was very drunk both times.

 

Not just drunk....very drunk....both times.

[ExposedBrick]

 

I had an ex bf who would go really fast, I started hating sex with him and he never went down on me or even cared that he was so quick, and by quick it was literally like one pump. Unfortunately I ended the relationship because of it. It was terrible and while sex is not everything it is a huge part of intimacy for me. He was an amazing bf otherwise and I often feel bad for what I did to him, but in the end I was not at all satisfied. I did not go about ant of it the right way and he still doesn't know the real reason I left him. So in the end at least she told you and was a bigger person than I was. I am sorry your feelings are hurt.

 

This sounds like a different situation. It seems as if you gave him a chance to he chose not to do anything. At one point, I did go down on her but she kept telling me all these things she wanted me to do to her, which was honestly just distracting, but then we ended up doing that instead. I was trying to make please her. Unfortunately, what she suggested doing caused me to get overstimulated and come quickly, at which point she just acted disappointed and made me self-conscious. At that point, I tried to talk to her because she looked upset but she just kind of said she wished it had lasted longer.

 

In hindsight, I do realize I could have done some things differently, which just really sucks right now. I made a mistake. I could see how see could have perceived me as being selfish, but it would have been remedied had I had a chance to think things over and make adjustments. I was actually thinking actively about what I could do better throughout last week. I tried to hang out with her a couple times to make those adjustments but she didn’t give me a a chance.

Edited January 29, 2018 by ExposedBrick

[kendahke]

Makes no sense.

 

It doesn't have to make sense. It happens in real life more often than not.

 

There was nothing here that a conversation could not have cleared up. This "read my mind or pay the hell" mindset is really childish.

 

If you're comfortable enough to have sex with a woman, you should be comfortable enough to at least try to give her pleasure.

 

No man that I've ever been with in my life knew what *I* wanted/liked the very first time we had sex until he asked me or I told him. I don't make it a habit (and a lame one at that) of playing guessing games. I grew out of that mess a long time ago--and I have no problems with someone asking first before plowing forward and making an unattractive, rutting boar out of themselves.

 

That's like saying everyone should be okay with someone talking non stop about themselves while on a date because it'll supposedly get better once they're "more comfortable" with you.

 

Analogy fail. That's non sequitur. Opening up oneself sexually to a new partner where each person comes with their own ideas and sets of (unspoken) expectations for how they want the experience to pan out is in a whole different universe than sitting across from someone talking nonstop.

 

As I mentioned, I tried to address it the second time around but she didn’t give me any information as to what else she would like

 

Has he said he refused to pleasure her? I haven't read him saying that. I read that he wanted to talk to her about how to make things better next time and she showed her behind because he didn't play "read my mind or pay the hell". Is that narrative something that was made up by someone other than the OP and the board decided to run with it?

[TheTraveler]

This sounds like a different situation. It seems as if you gave him a chance to he chose not to do anything. At one point, I did go down on her but she kept telling me all these things she wanted me to do to her, which was honestly just distracting, but then we ended up doing that instead. I was trying to make please her. Unfortunately, what she suggested doing caused me to get overstimulated and come quickly, at which point she just acted disappointed and made me self-conscious. At that point, I tried to talk to her because she looked upset but she just kind of said she wished it had lasted longer.

 

In hindsight, I do realize I could have done some things differently, which just really sucks right now. I made a mistake. I could see how see could have perceived me as being selfish, but it would have been remedied had I had a chance to think things over and make adjustments. I was actually thinking actively about what I could do better throughout last week. I tried to hang out with her a couple times to make those adjustments but she didn’t give me a a chance.

 

She gave you a chance. Multiple times. You failed and she moved on

[healing light]

I wouldn't mind a man asking me if I was on birth control, but I would be put off if he *expected* me to be on it (hormonal birth control comes with health risks that no one seems to care about and I've seen many women in clinic who can't normalize their cycles/have a hard time with conception after many years of its use). I have other female friends who have also had bad experiences with it and feel similarly.

 

I'm one of those rare birds that would appreciate being asked about oral, so I wouldn't have knocked you there (I see it was being more intimate than intercourse and my pleasure largely depends on my mindset/it doesn't feel like much to me/it makes me feel vulnerable). However, most women do consider it to be standard procedure, no questions asked. Up to 70% of women can't come with intercourse alone, so they rely on the foreplay or manual stimulation of the clitoris to get theirs--usually before sex or during sex before the man comes. That seems to be the general consensus.

 

That being said, it sounds like you were drunk with a singular goal of penetration. She gave you another chance after the initial bad sex and it was still bad in the same way. So she decided to do the slow fade to spare your feelings from telling you something that potentially would crush your ego. She was turned off by your style and not invested enough emotionally to attempt to work on something that she didn't want to fix. Keep in mind that some people don't think you can fix incompatible sexual styles.

 

After repeatedly contacting her, she reminded you she was still seeing other people with the date text (I think that was to give you the impression that she is moving on regardless of its truth). You overreacted and called her names--so I can guarantee you that she thinks she's the one that dodged the bullet. Bad sex and a temper to boot.

 

Chalk it up to lessons learned. Next time, make sure to incorporate sufficient foreplay and be attentive to her needs before you've got yours. Preferably sober. Don't go straight for the V. And always keep it classy with rejections when you can. She didn't owe you anything, you weren't in a relationship. While it's nice, no one really owes anyone any kind of explanation as to why things didn't work out beyond "we're not a match/I don't want to continue," particularly in early stages of dating.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

And always keep it classy with rejections when you can. She didn't owe you anything, you weren't in a relationship. While it's nice, no one really owes anyone any kind of explanation as to why things didn't work out beyond "we're not a match/I don't want to continue," particularly in early stages of dating.

 

It's shocking how many people fail to accept this fact. (Not talking about OP in particular).

[ExposedBrick]

But you get drunk, do a terrible job, then get drunk again the second time...??

 

I mean, I agree that she should have been more communicative. But getting piss drunk and not caring about whether your partner is experiencing pleasure during sex are both choices. Not things that just "happen" to you. Yet he made the same choice repeatedly and didn't even think it was a bad choice until she broke up with him????

 

It would be really interesting to hear from the OP about how he "usually" behaves in bed if that is the case. And why he keeps getting drunk before sex.

 

Let me give more details. On Saturday, we had some drinks at dinner, went to a movie, then had cocktails. We went back to her place, things escalated physically much more than the other times. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how far things would go. Usually, with most of my previous gf’s, things escalated gradually over a number of dates moving from a kiss, to make out, to manual stimulation, then oral/intercourse. Usually, by the time we get to the final step I have already added some tools to the toolkit in terms of how to get the woman off. When things moved to the bedroom, we made out for a bit. Then the dirty talk started, which I thought was hot but not prepared for at all. Things progressed to sex rather quickly which unfortunately didn’t last very long. This has happened to me at the early stages of sexual relationships before, but usually I have other tools to fall back on to make sure she is happy. Unfortunately, I didn’t have those tools here and felt a little unsure where to go as there hadn’t been much exploration previously. That combined with the premature ejaculation was a recipe for feeling self-conscious and awkward, which probably made me seem selfish.

 

I am also usually very responsible about starting sexual relationships and like to have an open discussion about STIs, birth control, and whether or not this is exclusive. I tried to just go with the flow but I think not following my own personal boundaries was adding some stress to the situation. In fact, a couple hours after having sex the first time, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling very paranoid about not having had that important talk. The paranoia continues through the next day as was in the back of my mind while hanging out with her friends. Between being paranoid about not having that talk and trying to be social and drink heavily with her friends throughout the day, I didn’t have much menta capacity left to strategize an improved performance. When we did go back to her place on Sunday, we started making out again and I felt compelled to try and have that talk. I thought the BC was the easiest thing to cover, so I started with that. When she reacted harshly to the question replying, “that’s a personal question, why are you asking me?” You could imagine this only made me far more uncomfortable. She then leaves the room for 10 minutes. She eventually calms down and we start to make out again. She suggests I go down on her, which I did and she seem to be really enjoying. However, the dirty talk started again and she kept telling me all these things she wanted me to do to her. Things then shifted to what she was talking about, as I thought that’s what she wanted. I didn’t last long as it really turned me on. At that point, she seemed to get upset it ended quickly. I tried to talk to her about it, asking what I could do for her, but she sort of just told me she wanted it to last longer and seemed to just get annoyed/shut down, which didn’t give me a chance to do much else as it was awkward.

 

I feel like even in my drunken, paranoid state I still tried to communicate openly. Could I have been smoother about everything? Of course.

 

However, in general, I was very attentive towards her, planned lots of nice dates, and we shared some good times. I did start to catch some feels and I think the amount of time we spent together was deserving of more than a cold blooded text message after slow fading all week.

 

So yeah, I’m not perfect, we both had a lot to drink, and things got awkward, but dating is awkward, people aren’t perfect, and drinking highlights that.

[Highndry]

Asking a woman "is there anything I can do for you?" in bed rather than just doing it is a huge mistake, yet you did it twice when you knew she was not satisfied. I'd say that's why she ditched you, you came off as a selfish, unskilled lover.

[ExposedBrick]

She gave you a chance. Multiple times. You failed and she moved on

 

Bull****, this all happened within a 24 hr period.

[BluesPower]

Mr. Brick...

 

I have only read this thread. So I don't know about your other. I will say this, if you have had to post several times about one girl, then something on your end is not right.

 

See if this helps you. When you are with a girl for the first time, dude, you have to rock her world, period.

 

The first time, every time for me, but the first time, it is all about her needs. And you need to learn to understand a womans body.

 

Is she a one and done girl, is she primarily a clit stimulation girl, is she a g-spot girl, is she a PIV girl, how long does it take her to get to a basic orgasm, and later how many O's does it take for her to get to a BIG orgasm.

 

This stuff is not rocket science, it is basic anatomy and learning to read what they want.

 

I have no idea how old your are, but if you are sexually active, you really need to learn this stuff, yesterday...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Let me give more details.

 

OK, well this changes my perspective a bit. If she'd given you an opportunity to talk about it, you could have said, "The dirty talk is a bit much for me when we're just getting going because it's too much of a turn on to make things last."

 

After you got off, why didn't you turn the focus back to her, though?

 

Also, asking about birth control is not a personal question to someone you're having sex with. She was way too defensive about that, in my opinion. You aren't at fault, at all, for being careful.

[ExposedBrick]

Maybe she didn't think it was worth it, or didn't believe you'd be any different the next time, and she felt awkward telling you she didn't want to continue to see you because of bad sex. It's not exactly easy to tell someone that, especially someone who's fairly new to your life.

 

ARE you usually better than you were those two times?

 

As I described, things get better over time. I think the first few times are usually the worst but once win preference knowledge it improves.

 

Ironically, I thought she was a really bad kisser and didn’t put forth much effort into making out. Unlike her, I gave her a chance to improve because I really liked her. Guess I should be more superficial?!

[Interstellar]

Ixnay on the cray cray. Is she 18-22? they usually have no idea what they want yet.

 

You also went to bed with a complete stranger. Six weeks is not enough to know somebody. Ideally, the longer you wait the longer the relationship would last.

 

You dodged a bullet, but next time don’t waste your energy being angry at any woman if they’re rude or rejected you; I know the temptation to lash out is there but block it out of your mind and bow out gracefully. Just smile and tell yourself it’s her lost and move on.

 

Watch Steve McQueen in Bullitt; the guy is the King of Cool.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Interstellar