Mortified by break up reason

[ExposedBrick]

Sorry for the long post: I had been dating a woman for about six weeks. Two weekends ago, we went out Saturday night for a fun date and had sex for the first time. She then invited me to a bday brunch the following morning with a bunch of her friends. We ended up partying most of the day and went back to her place that night and had sex again. There were definitely some awkward moments as always when starting a new sexual relationship.

 

As the following week went on, it became obvious she was losing interest and starting to slow fade on me. Yesterday, I made a final attempt at trying to see her again via text and she replied stating she had fun but didn’t think we had good chemistry. I was quite shocked as things had been going really well overall, so I asked for further qualification. She told me she wasn’t happy how I treated her in bed and had become resentful towards me about it. She told me she thought about having a conversation about it but just became too resentful.

 

Admittedly, I asked her if she used birth control when we making out after the brunch at her place as I had regretted not having a birth control discussion the night before. I emphasized that I would still be wearing a condom but just wanted to know for peace of mind/logistics. Certainly, this was a bit awkward but she actually stopped making out with me, leaving me in her bed for about 5-10 minutes alone. She eventually returned and things progressed to sex again. I thought it was a pretty reasonable question to ask, especially since I immediately clarified I would be using a condom either way.

 

I will admit, similar to one of my favorite Richard Pryor stand up moments, that the sex was very short both times as I was really excited to get with her finally. After the second time we had sex, she did seems to show signs of being upset. I tried to speak with her to see if there was something more I could do for her, but she seemed to just shut down when I tried to talk with her.

 

I could certainly provide more details but this just seems like a really, really crappy thing to do. I generally feel like sex is usually awkward with a new partner until you get to learn the other person’s preferences/style, which involves some communication. Obviously I was planning to make some changes going forward, but we hung out continuously and I didn’t get a chance to game plan.

 

The worst part, in my state of shock about the matter, is I sent her a few texts indicating that I think is something that could have an easy fix with communication. I asked her if she wanted to talk about. I then tried to call her but no answer. She texted me back later saying”Whoa. I was on a date. Sorry I hurt your feelings” I proceeded to tell her she was a piece of ****, deleted her info and blocked her number.

 

Obviously, this lady is probably pretty crazy and has several character flaws:

1. Inability to communicate

2. Slow faded me after hanging out regularly

3. Was flat out rude/only texted me to tell me this ****

 

I imagine the sex thing was just some type cop out for maybe not really feeling things anyway. It was just such an unbelievable turn of events as her friends had seemed really like me and things had been going well. Certainly, things could have gone better with the sex but man this just feels so ****ed up.

 

I just feel so angry/violated by the matter. I probably dodged a bullet, but how can I start thinking positive about it? How ****ed up and immature is this?

[ExpatInItaly]

Wait, what?

 

She's mad you asked her if she is on birth control?

[Els]

It's unreasonable for her to be upset that you asked her about birth control. It's also unreasonable for her to simmer in resentment instead of communicating.

 

It is reasonable for her to be upset over crappy sex. The "it was our first few times, of course it was awkward" excuse doesn't justify a complete lack of effort not just once, but twice. In general, you want to be making sure you do everything you can to satisfy her before you cum. Being "really excited" isn't an excuse either, as you don't necessarily need to stimulate the penis the entire time. If you know you are going to shoot really quickly, it would make sense to focus on giving her oral or manual simulation beforehand.

 

Basically, you probably did dodge a bullet, but you might also want to read up a bit on female pleasure and how to make sex good for your partner, for future purposes.

[Gaeta]

You have posted about this woman about 5 or 6 times in the past 6 weeks. You admit suffering from anxiety. Is it possible, just a tiny bit possible, you have been harassing her with your texts?

 

Listen, when a woman really likes a guy she will give him a chance in bed, 2 chances, 3 chances before giving up on him. She just didn't feel it with you. It started with being too busy, then replying to your text after 12 hours, than this. She just was not that into you.

 

When a woman wants to leave your life after 6 weeks, let her. Don't question her, don't try to work it out, don't try to know the whys, just let her go. It's always because she was not feeling it enough.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Making an assumption here, but maybe the birth control question annoyed her because she knew that meant you were ready to stick it in without, again, tending to her needs first?

[ExposedBrick]

It's unreasonable for her to be upset that you asked her about birth control. It's also unreasonable for her to simmer in resentment instead of communicating.

 

It is reasonable for her to be upset over crappy sex. The "it was our first few times, of course it was awkward" excuse doesn't justify a complete lack of effort not just once, but twice. In general, you want to be making sure you do everything you can to satisfy her before you cum. Being "really excited" isn't an excuse either, as you don't necessarily need to stimulate the penis the entire time. If you know you are going to shoot really quickly, it would make sense to focus on giving her oral or manual simulation beforehand.

 

Basically, you probably did dodge a bullet, but you might also want to read up a bit on female pleasure and how to make sex good for your partner, for future purposes.

 

I’m not in disagreement that things could and should have went much better with the sex. As I mentioned, I tried to address it the second time around but she didn’t give me any information as to what else she would like(oral, etc). She seemed to just get annoyed with me and shut down, which isn’t really fair IMHO.

 

Honestly, things escalated from making out the previous date to sex, with no stepping stones in between. I was thrown off by that. She was also really into dirty talk which I liked but again just wasn’t expecting. In fact, it’s unbelievable some of things that came out of her mouth but she was too afraid to communicate things.

[ExposedBrick]

Making an assumption here, but maybe the birth control question annoyed her because she knew that meant you were ready to stick it in without, again, tending to her needs first?

 

I assumed she initially thought I didn’t want to use a condom.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I assumed she initially thought I didn’t want to use a condom.

 

I doubt that was it. I thinks he was just disappointed with the sex, sadly .

 

Next time take more initiative and don't ask her what she'd like you to do. Please her first, and take control.

[lurker74]

Making an assumption here, but maybe the birth control question annoyed her because she knew that meant you were ready to stick it in without, again, tending to her needs first?

 

Ding ding. Birth control is a required conversation. Even if condoms are used. But if you lasted five minutes, your second conversation should have been about how you would like to make her go off as many times as possible and advice on how to make that happen.

 

Honestly, I kind of wish I had your problem. It takes me way to long too reach orgasm with a condom on. But on the plus side, I've gotten really good at providing services because of it.

 

Long-story short - communication is about listening to verbal and non-verbal cues as much as it is about the other person talking.

 

Also, calling her a POS because she went on a date with another person - assuming you weren't exclusive immediately - seems a bit of an over reach. After your short a period of time, you probably shouldn't get so worked up.

[ExposedBrick]

You have posted about this woman about 5 or 6 times in the past 6 weeks. You admit suffering from anxiety. Is it possible, just a tiny bit possible, you have been harassing her with your texts?

 

Listen, when a woman really likes a guy she will give him a chance in bed, 2 chances, 3 chances before giving up on him. She just didn't feel it with you. It started with being too busy, then replying to your text after 12 hours, than this. She just was not that into you.

 

When a woman wants to leave your life after 6 weeks, let her. Don't question her, don't try to work it out, don't try to know the whys, just let her go. It's always because she was not feeling it enough.

 

I don’t think sending one or two texts in a day is harassment. I do think she probably was never that engaged looking back, this was probably just an excuse for her to walk away.

 

Certainly, I’ll admit that I needed to change my approach but going from only making out previously to sex didn’t give me a lot of opportunity to figure out how to pleasure her. Again, not an excuse, but I was very drunk both times.

 

Do others feel she probably just wasn’t that interested?

[BluEyeL]

You have to do oral and make her cum without her having to ask, it’s standard procedure . If the sex was bad it was a good reason to break up .

[olivetree]

I get the impression she thinks you were really selfish in bed.

Her getting upset about you asking about birth control was probably just transferred over from her overall dissatisfaction.

I totally get it's a blow to your ego and you're upset that you don't get another chance to show her a good time.

 

That said, telling a girl she is POS is only going to make her feel like she is the one that dodged a bullet - a bad temper and bad sex.

 

Do others feel she probably just wasn’t that interested?

 

If the physical chemistry wasn't there, I would say what she said too... or that it just wasn't working for me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don’t think sending one or two texts in a day is harassment. I do think she probably was never that engaged looking back, this was probably just an excuse for her to walk away.

 

Certainly, I’ll admit that I needed to change my approach but going from only making out previously to sex didn’t give me a lot of opportunity to figure out how to pleasure her. Again, not an excuse, but I was very drunk both times.

 

Do others feel she probably just wasn’t that interested?

 

And there's another reason she probably thought the sex was bad. No girl wants her first two experiences with a new guy to be when he's so drunk he can't even concentrate on her at all.

[ExposedBrick]

I get the impression she thinks you were really selfish in bed.

Her getting upset about you asking about birth control was probably just transferred over from her overall dissatisfaction.

I totally get it's a blow to your ego and you're upset that you don't get another chance to show her a good time.

 

That said, telling a girl she is POS is only going to make her feel like she is the one that dodged a bullet - a bad temper and bad sex.

 

 

 

If the physical chemistry wasn't there, I would say what she said too... or that it just wasn't working for me.

 

I’m just trying to figure out if others would take an otherwise good situation and flush it away because the first sexual experience wasn’t good? To me, it seems like an extreme reaction to just stop talking to me instead of having a conversation about it.

[ExposedBrick]

And there's another reason she probably thought the sex was bad. No girl wants her first two experiences with a new guy to be when he's so drunk he can't even concentrate on her at all.

 

I’m not saying by any means I made no mistakes. Maybe it was just a comedy of errors.

[smackie9]

It's obvious she was looking for someone with more experience that could jump right in, and be on cue with her desires. She didn't handle the situation properly...oh well this is why we date...to find the right one....obviously she wasn't.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’m just trying to figure out if others would take an otherwise good situation and flush it away because the first sexual experience wasn’t good? To me, it seems like an extreme reaction to just stop talking to me instead of having a conversation about it.

 

If I reeeallllyyy liked the person in every other way, yes I would talk about it probably.

[Jennakay08]

I can see why you tried to communicate what she likes but next time just start it, for me I don't want to have to tell you what I like, I want you to read my body language and go down on me, most women like that as well as the other hand stuff. To me there is amazing sex chemistry or there isn't, she was not feeling the sex and yea instead of communicating that with you she went on her way to the next.

 

I had an ex bf who would go really fast, I started hating sex with him and he never went down on me or even cared that he was so quick, and by quick it was literally like one pump. Unfortunately I ended the relationship because of it. It was terrible and while sex is not everything it is a huge part of intimacy for me. He was an amazing bf otherwise and I often feel bad for what I did to him, but in the end I was not at all satisfied. I did not go about ant of it the right way and he still doesn't know the real reason I left him. So in the end at least she told you and was a bigger person than I was. I am sorry your feelings are hurt.

[ExposedBrick]

I get the impression she thinks you were really selfish in bed.

Her getting upset about you asking about birth control was probably just transferred over from her overall dissatisfaction.

I totally get it's a blow to your ego and you're upset that you don't get another chance to show her a good time.

 

That said, telling a girl she is POS is only going to make her feel like she is the one that dodged a bullet - a bad temper and bad sex.

 

 

 

If the physical chemistry wasn't there, I would say what she said too... or that it just wasn't working for me.

 

I called her a POS because she consciously slow faded me and made no attempt to communicate something that was bothering her. Both of these could have easily been avoided with a short conversation. Then, she feels the need to tell me she is on a date with someone else, clearly not necessary. Please don’t tell me you wouldn’t be angry.

[olivetree]

I’m just trying to figure out if others would take an otherwise good situation and flush it away because the first sexual experience wasn’t good? To me, it seems like an extreme reaction to just stop talking to me instead of having a conversation about it.

 

Well it sounds like she gave it a few tries.

There are some things I would be willing to work with, but selfishness would not be one of them.

For example, I would work around differences in rhythm preferences or how much kissing there was etc.

 

However, for something like returning pleasure... that's a no go.

I have friends who have stayed in relationships where the guy never wanted to go down on them but expected lots of BJs.

If I saw a pattern where a guy never did that for me... there wouldn't be a conversation, I'd be out.

 

I called her a POS because she consciously slow faded me and made no attempt to communicate something that was bothering her. Both of these could have easily been avoided with a short conversation. Then, she feels the need to tell me she is on a date with someone else, clearly not necessary. Please don’t tell me you wouldn’t be angry.

 

I'd be hurt, but I wouldn't lash out.

[kendahke]

I"m confused about her saying she was pissy because of how you treated her in bed. Other than it being quick and asking about birth control, how exactlyl were you treating her?

 

The birth control talk probably should take place before you're naked and horizontal, but that doesn't seem to be an overarching foul. It's really not a rude question to ask someone who should be responsible and adult about her birth control, but there is a more tactful place to bring up that conversation other than in the moment, you know.

 

The first few times, sex can be awkward as people get to know one another; and sometimes, yes, the men can be "enthusiastic", but that usually works itself out once the comfort level and the ability to trust the woman with one's vulnerability is confirmed.

 

I suppose she expected a porn star for a boyfriend and wound up with a mere mortal.

 

You dodged a bullet.

[smackie9]

I’m just trying to figure out if others would take an otherwise good situation and flush it away because the first sexual experience wasn’t good? To me, it seems like an extreme reaction to just stop talking to me instead of having a conversation about it.

Open your eyes.....there was no commitment, you had some dates, she took you on a test drive.... she wasn't feeling the same way....in turn she was still looking/keeping her options open. You may have thought it was a otherwise good situation...but she didn't. *shrugs* it is what it is. Dating can suck, we all have been through it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I called her a POS because she consciously slow faded me and made no attempt to communicate something that was bothering her. Both of these could have easily been avoided with a short conversation. Then, she feels the need to tell me she is on a date with someone else, clearly not necessary. Please don’t tell me you wouldn’t be angry.

 

Maybe she didn't think it was worth it, or didn't believe you'd be any different the next time, and she felt awkward telling you she didn't want to continue to see you because of bad sex. It's not exactly easy to tell someone that, especially someone who's fairly new to your life.

 

ARE you usually better than you were those two times?

Edited January 29, 2018 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[Els]

I’m not in disagreement that things could and should have went much better with the sex. As I mentioned, I tried to address it the second time around but she didn’t give me any information as to what else she would like(oral, etc). She seemed to just get annoyed with me and shut down, which isn’t really fair IMHO.

 

Honestly, things escalated from making out the previous date to sex, with no stepping stones in between. I was thrown off by that. She was also really into dirty talk which I liked but again just wasn’t expecting. In fact, it’s unbelievable some of things that came out of her mouth but she was too afraid to communicate things.

 

Well, things are over with this girl either way, so probably not much point rehashing that.

 

In the future though, I think it should be understood that giving the woman pleasure before you cum (unless you are easily able to go for a second round immediately) is just something that you do, without needing to have a big conversation about it. IMO once consent has been established for sex, you don't specifically need to ask her what you should do or if oral is okay. It is best if she communicates what she likes, of course, but the default shouldn't be wham bam thank you ma'am. Most of the time oral will be okay, and on the rare occasion that it isn't, she will let you know.

 

The crux of the issue here isn't really "bad sex", but rather one sided sex with no effort. That would be a red flag in my book.

[olivetree]

After thinking about it a little more, I think you're right... she likely wasn't thinking you were the man of her dreams before all of this, otherwise she probably would have communicated better and tried harder to work around it.

 

OR - she is SUPER conflict avoidant and just dumps and runs rather than stays and works through issues.