Just weird

[Grey40]

Dude you need a lot of work. WhatsApp voice notes? What the hell is that? Get those number and set up a date as quickly as you can. Talk on the app for like 6-10 messages back and forth talking about common inteeesrs then ask for the number and set up a date. It’s not that difficult.

 

As far matches go, geographics do play a role. You do get more matches in bigger cities with more people. However, if you simple “like” every single person on the app you do get punished by tinder—they show your profile to less people and therefore less matches. You can do that on bumble but not Tinder. You need better pictures if you can’t match with people you’re attracted to.

 

Also, no conversation is going to make you feel more attracted, especially online. If you’re not immediately physically attracted, you’re not going to be. Even if you like their personality you won’t be able to get over the looks thing, for us guys it’s an important thing.

[ZA Dater]

Dude you need a lot of work. WhatsApp voice notes? What the hell is that? Get those number and set up a date as quickly as you can. Talk on the app for like 6-10 messages back and forth talking about common inteeesrs then ask for the number and set up a date. It’s not that difficult.

 

As far matches go, geographics do play a role. You do get more matches in bigger cities with more people. However, if you simple “like” every single person on the app you do get punished by tinder—they show your profile to less people and therefore less matches. You can do that on bumble but not Tinder. You need better pictures if you can’t match with people you’re attracted to.

 

Also, no conversation is going to make you feel more attracted, especially online. If you’re not immediately physically attracted, you’re not going to be. Even if you like their personality you won’t be able to get over the looks thing, for us guys it’s an important thing.

 

When I meant geographical I meant another continent. Pics I have are good. I am probably just ugly lol.

[Miss Spider]

Why do you say that ZA dater?

[ZA Dater]

Why do you say that ZA dater?

 

 

 

Well it seems the only real logical explanation. I have restarted Tinder and done no matching at all and just let it run and with Tinder Gold you get "likes" and already I have 16, none of which I find attractive at all.

[ZA Dater]

Why do you say that ZA dater?

 

 

 

If that's you in your Avatar....sorry I had to ask...

[normal person]

I get chatting to someone on Tinder and deciding to try things differently this time I decide to chat more and get to know her a bit before meeting up, we chatted for two weeks and exchanged voice notes and it was going reasonably well, look she wasn't super amazing but she was nice and importantly liked car, which is NB because I spend a lot of my time around them.

 

A whatsapp voice note, that's what I am talking about.

 

 

In a thread about a disappearing girl being "weird," it might not hurt to look inward.

 

Talking for two weeks?

 

Voice notes?

 

This is odd behavior. Why invest all that time and energy in someone weeks before you you meet them? Why not just meet them first and then if they're worth investing the time in?

 

If I get talking to someone and our schedules don't align for a while, I say "well I guess I'll text you next week and we can figure something out, cool?"

"Perfect!"

 

Most people don't want to text, let alone exchange voice messages with, a relative stranger for weeks. Who's got the time and energy to commit to someone they've never met? Just enough talk to build some sense of familiarity and security is usually fine, in my experience. Just stick to the basics. I don't know what the culture is like over there, but if I matched with a girl on Tinder and called her, let alone left her a voicemail, it's pretty safe to say I wouldn't be meeting her. In a world where texting is the norm, calling is invasive and voicemail is an otherworldly annoyance/oddity.

 

Again, it'd be easier for you to just stick to the formula, I think. When you get her number, exchange 2-4 texts and then set something up. It doesn't require much more than that.

[preraph]

She or he was probably like 16 and just pulling pranks on there.

[ZA Dater]

In a thread about a disappearing girl being "weird," it might not hurt to look inward.

 

Talking for two weeks?

 

Voice notes?

 

This is odd behavior. Why invest all that time and energy in someone weeks before you you meet them? Why not just meet them first and then if they're worth investing the time in?

 

If I get talking to someone and our schedules don't align for a while, I say "well I guess I'll text you next week and we can figure something out, cool?"

"Perfect!"

 

Most people don't want to text, let alone exchange voice messages with, a relative stranger for weeks. Who's got the time and energy to commit to someone they've never met? Just enough talk to build some sense of familiarity and security is usually fine, in my experience. Just stick to the basics. I don't know what the culture is like over there, but if I matched with a girl on Tinder and called her, let alone left her a voicemail, it's pretty safe to say I wouldn't be meeting her. In a world where texting is the norm, calling is invasive and voicemail is an otherworldly annoyance/oddity.

 

Again, it'd be easier for you to just stick to the formula, I think. When you get her number, exchange 2-4 texts and then set something up. It doesn't require much more than that.

 

 

 

The reality is I have tried that "quick meet" formula more often than not but often land up disappointed so I thought this time to try something different and try get to know the person on some level before meeting up.

 

 

All I was doing was trying to avoid the meet up and no familiarity scenario.

 

 

My past history is of investing first because weird as it is, if I get then rejected at least I tried to invest, meeting and then investing doesn't work for me because rejection inevitably happens when I meet them. At least if I am investing in something I have some sort of purpose behind the idea.

 

 

Having said all of that I do think you are right but I decided to try mix things up a bit and generally try things with no expectation of success or failure.

 

 

Generally I am in quite a happy space at the moment, to the extent that dating doesn't really sit on my list of top 5 things to do, as you always say "resources give you options" and away from the dating arena I find myself more drawn to those options than yet more dates of much the same as they have always been.

 

 

Increasingly I find myself dispensing the advice I get on this forum to other who really don't battle at getting dates but battle to retain them, I cant do either and I have found some sort of peace with that, peace enough to talk about it quite openly with people close to me, which I could never do before.

[browzer]

From what you post you do get first meets with people whom you do find attractive and things fall down on the first meet so it's actually meeting people and pure socialising with people (anyone IRL) which you need practice at.

 

 

I haven't kept an exact count but it appears that many or most of ZA's dating prospects fail with him being blocked before they even meet.

 

The problem is far worse than inability to socialize.

[ZA Dater]

I haven't kept an exact count but it appears that many or most of ZA's dating prospects fail with him being blocked before they even meet.

 

The problem is far worse than inability to socialize.

 

 

 

Not really, most result in blocking after meeting.

[Grey40]

You say your pictures are good, but they clearly aren’t good enough. We are not the best judge of our own pictures. Sometimes pictures I thought weren’t very good women found super attractive—so I would keep plugging pictures in until you see better results. There’s a website called Photofeeler where you can upload pictures and people rate them on attractiveness. Upload a bunch and the one that scores the highest should be your main picture.

 

What do you say on the dates? Women blocking you after 1 date is not normal behavior so you must be really making them feel uncomfortable.

[browzer]

Not really, most result in blocking after meeting.

 

Ok, some of your dating prospects block you before you even meet, and most block you after you've met.

 

Not really seeing a big difference here.

[ZA Dater]

You say your pictures are good, but they clearly aren’t good enough. We are not the best judge of our own pictures. Sometimes pictures I thought weren’t very good women found super attractive—so I would keep plugging pictures in until you see better results. There’s a website called Photofeeler where you can upload pictures and people rate them on attractiveness. Upload a bunch and the one that scores the highest should be your main picture.

 

What do you say on the dates? Women blocking you after 1 date is not normal behavior so you must be really making them feel uncomfortable.

 

 

 

Thanks for the tip, I will try that with photographs.

 

 

They block me because mostly we have nothing in common at all and there is no "fun" to be had with me. I am honest enough to know I wont be most peoples cup of tea, likewise very few are my cup of tea either.

 

 

What I really wanted to see with this 2 week method was if any sort of common ground could be built up in that time. The reason for that is simple, people generally like me more when they get to know me, basically none like me when they first meet me, perhaps its the seriousness of my "resting face" (a terms learnt on this forum) so my thought was "ok let her get to know me and maybe I can mitigate against the negatives".

 

 

It didn't work but anyway you try things with no expectations. What she was looking for I have no idea but increasingly its the "settle down and kids' vibe I am getting from matches which isn't really what I want at all but I also cant turn the clock back sadly and probably need to recognise I am never going to be able to go out with the early 20's fun, care free person, instead I am more likely going to have to choose from divorced mothers or single mother, neither of which interest me in the slightest.

 

 

As I say I don't feel too bad about this, purely because I never expected it to work from the outset.

 

 

This morning I see I have 16 more likes, none of which from anyone attractive.

[ZA Dater]

Ok, some of your dating prospects block you before you even meet, and most block you after you've met.

 

Not really seeing a big difference here.

 

 

 

I am not surprised by this anymore. So much as be even slightly different from the norm and you might as well an alien.

 

 

A lot of me says I would probably have a lot more success dating elsewhere, this is supported by the fact the better dates I have had were with tourists who seem to have broad thinking versus the people who live here, most of which seem to live in some sort of conformist bubble.

 

 

Case in point was 26yo from Denver, works with terminally ill kids, sat with her for about 3 hours chatting about a whole range of subjects. Try finding that with locals and its almost impossible.

 

 

I have had a few "dates" like this and they are refreshing compared to the usual status quo.

[GemmaUK]

Case in point was 26yo from Denver, works with terminally ill kids, sat with her for about 3 hours chatting about a whole range of subjects. Try finding that with locals and its almost impossible.

 

And was this a date?

If so, why did she not agree to a second date?

[ZA Dater]

And was this a date?

If so, why did she not agree to a second date?

 

 

 

Probably because she was leaving two days later.

[GemmaUK]

Probably because she was leaving two days later.

 

But was the time you spent with her a date?

If it wasn't a date then it was just a conversation.

There's a difference between a date and a conversation.

[Grey40]

Just by reading I know you have a terrible attitude when it comes to dating. You automatically assume you’re worthless and have nothing to offer. I understand that it’s easy to feel this way when you’ve been rejected and blocked as much as you have but it’s very key to push forward. When girls don’t like you. And things don’t work out, it’s not you. it’s them. And their reason for being against you you can not control. You just keep moving because you will find people that really appreciate you and like you for who you Are.

 

 

You need to be pickier with OLD though, DO NOT go on date with women you are not attracted to, that attraction will not magically develop. I’ve been there and done that. You must be super attracted.

 

Secondly, don’t take advice from women on women, it’s the worst advice you will get. Trust me; I’m Time their perspective will become valuable but right now they are go If to confuse you.

Edited February 1, 2018 by Grey40

[ZA Dater]

But was the time you spent with her a date?

If it wasn't a date then it was just a conversation.

There's a difference between a date and a conversation.

 

 

 

I don't really differentiate between, the two, I took her out to dinner, showed her a few of the less tourist like places.

 

 

It was nice. If nothing else I suppose it disproves the theory I cannot have a conversation.

[ZA Dater]

Just by reading I know you have a terrible attitude when it comes to dating. You automatically assume you’re worthless and have nothing to offer. I understand that it’s easy to feel this way when you’ve been rejected and blocked as much as you have but it’s very key to push forward. When girls don’t like you. And things don’t work out, it’s not you. it’s them. And their reason for being against you you can not control. You just keep moving because you will find people that really appreciate you and like you for who you Are.

 

 

You need to be pickier with OLD though, DO NOT go on date with women you are not attracted to, that attraction will not magically develop. I’ve been there and done that. You must be super attracted.

 

Secondly, don’t take advice from women on women, it’s the worst advice you will get. Trust me; I’m Time their perspective will become valuable but right now they are go If to confuse you.

 

 

If I only had to go on dates with people I find attractive I would never go on any dates at all really because those sort of people are

 

 

1: Never single

2: Never interested in me.

 

 

I don't think I am worthless, just worthless to most of the people I want to date, there is a subtle but important difference. In the past I have found myself being attracted to certain personalities which is why I tend to give people a chance rather than dismiss them out of hand on the basis of physical appearance.

 

 

 

In the example in this thread I wasn't ever super attracted but there was some synergy, so I decided to heavily compromise which probably isn't right.

 

 

I am hopeful someone nice might appreciate me someday but I am not holding my breath. I've never had any sort of mutual attraction, usually its people find me attractive who I find intensely unattractive.

 

 

I'll simply try improve the things I can and try mix things up a bit when it comes to approach.

[act00]

What in the holy h*ll are you talking about?

 

I think you left the other half of this novella in your head act00, but I am really intrigued to know what that other half is, if you care to share

 

I don't want to threadjack, but no IMs anymore (at least not for me). It was so long ago, I don't remember all the details, but apparently this guy was arrested for DUI, booze and drugs, and he had his two little kids in the car. The ex had to go to his place to collect the children's things and maybe deal with other stuff, and checked the computer to find the dating site open. She proceeded to write the women he was communicating with. I don't recall her stating anything about the marriage.

 

Taking this at face value, the guy was obviously a mess and not someone to get involved with. If she was lying and telling women these awful things out of jealousy and vindictiveness, this is a dose of drama from an ex I was absolutely not willing to deal with. With the children, I could imagine the living hell it would be dealing with her with the kids, and trying to have a relationship. Either way, it's a no.

 

I never heard from the guy again. He seemed really great, but we had not met yet, just talked on the phone and emailed through the dating site...smart phones didn't exist yet.

 

Back to the regular conversation. Sorry for the threadjack. I kind of hoped to hear more weird tales from people.

[ZA Dater]

I don't want to threadjack, but no IMs anymore (at least not for me). It was so long ago, I don't remember all the details, but apparently this guy was arrested for DUI, booze and drugs, and he had his two little kids in the car. The ex had to go to his place to collect the children's things and maybe deal with other stuff, and checked the computer to find the dating site open. She proceeded to write the women he was communicating with. I don't recall her stating anything about the marriage.

 

Taking this at face value, the guy was obviously a mess and not someone to get involved with. If she was lying and telling women these awful things out of jealousy and vindictiveness, this is a dose of drama from an ex I was absolutely not willing to deal with. With the children, I could imagine the living hell it would be dealing with her with the kids, and trying to have a relationship. Either way, it's a no.

 

I never heard from the guy again. He seemed really great, but we had not met yet, just talked on the phone and emailed through the dating site...smart phones didn't exist yet.

 

Back to the regular conversation. Sorry for the threadjack. I kind of hoped to hear more weird tales from people.

 

 

I once met up with someone who within 15 minutes proceeded to tell me she has got out of a mental institution 2 week previously and had been in a straight jacket. Stupidly I agreed to fetch her and had to drop her off again and then told she wondered what it would be like to be a prostitute.

 

 

I once met another who sat down, got up went to the bathroom and never returned.

 

 

Or how about the one who turned up drunk with a drunk friend and had me both by them more drinks.

 

 

Or the one who turned up dressed like a rainbow, admittedly she did look slightly similar to Marylyn Monroe but the dress sense and accent was enough to put me off completely.

 

 

Then there was the one who thought it would be a good idea to invite her friend to a date without telling me, all the while she had a bf.

 

 

Probably the best date(s) I ever had were with a girl who dated other guys, her bf knew about it and was ok with it, she might be the most gorgeous person I will ever go out with, everywhere we went peoples head turned. She had an amazing personality too and she is the only person I have ever got a date 3 with. Sadly her bf put a stop to things and I never saw her again.

[GemmaUK]

I don't really differentiate between, the two,

 

I'm a woman and to me the difference between just a guy I meet and get on with for just a bit/a night/a day and a 'date' is huge.

 

But I'm only a woman - so according to Grey my opinion matters not but he also struggles as you will know by his threads.

 

In dating and life the best thing to be is you, the best version of you, with close friends the not so best version always is OK to a point. Dwelling is bad.

 

Life is fun though. As long as you have that going on..everything else falls into place when you can read those around you. It just makes sense and is so fascinating too.

If you can't read those around you or refuse to learn then ...Houston, We have a problem and things won't work.

 

Meeting someone and mutual attraction is only the beginning..a relationship takes a lot of reading signs and signals, It doesn't stop and it requires signal reading, communication and emotional knowledge.

[ZA Dater]

I'm a woman and to me the difference between just a guy I meet and get on with for just a bit/a night/a day and a 'date' is huge.

 

But I'm only a woman - so according to Grey my opinion matters not but he also struggles as you will know by his threads.

 

In dating and life the best thing to be is you, the best version of you, with close friends the not so best version always is OK to a point. Dwelling is bad.

 

Life is fun though. As long as you have that going on..everything else falls into place when you can read those around you. It just makes sense and is so fascinating too.

If you can't read those around you or refuse to learn then ...Houston, We have a problem and things won't work.

 

Meeting someone and mutual attraction is only the beginning..a relationship takes a lot of reading signs and signals, It doesn't stop and it requires signal reading, communication and emotional knowledge.

 

 

Well ok but as I have said before I don't really have an issue socialising if there is some "glue" or the person is interesting. I typically never end up going on dates with these people though because it just doesn't work with those people in that way.

 

 

Mostly I end up going on dates to simply feel like I am actually trying to make some progress and make the best out of a bad situation. I am open minded enough to try different things, last year I went on 2 seeking arrangement dates, both were students and yes its not ideal I still wanted to try it and see if it worked or didn't.

 

 

I might not have any of the knowledge mentioned about but hey I do have completely useless trivial knowledge

[Miss Spider]

Well ok but as I have said before I don't really have an issue socialising if there is some "glue" or the person is interesting. I typically never end up going on dates with these people though because it just doesn't work with those people in that way.

 

 

Mostly I end up going on dates to simply feel like I am actually trying to make some progress and make the best out of a bad situation. I am open minded enough to try different things, last year I went on 2 seeking arrangement dates, both were students and yes its not ideal I still wanted to try it and see if it worked or didn't.

 

 

I might not have any of the knowledge mentioned about but hey I do have completely useless trivial knowledge

 

If you want to attract interesting people you have to be interesting yourself, kind of. You have to know a wide variety of topics, have experiences, be able to story tell and articulate in yourself in a way that keeps others engaged.

 

What I'm seeing here is you feel you are going out with pretty girls with nothing in common with you or not enough mental connection. The reason you are getting those girls is because you are picking them off these apps for their physical appearance and because the ones who have both the physical/mental properties you desire have other options. I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm saying this because you have things you need to improve. We all do. Everyone hates that word 'improve'. Everyone thinks they've done every thing they can or that they've reached their limitations. Just no. Do you have male friends? Also I say away from Seeking Arrangement, that's like lowkey prostitution. I don't think you will find what you really want there.