Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 This. As a guy, I'd wonder if she really has much (if any) sex drive after hearing something like that. I do have a high sex drive hahaha. I just don't want to give it to this guy when I'm distrusting of him and I want to see he doesn't just want sex with me.
basil67 Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I do have a high sex drive hahaha. I just don't want to give it to this guy when I'm distrusting of him and I want to see he doesn't just want sex with me. So why continue with someone who's already lost your trust? Still wondering how old you both are. 1
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 Such. As. What? You never give any examples and that makes it sound like a bunch of unnecesary drama. I mean, quite of few people around here have asked you for specifics and you ignore it---and that leads us to believe that you're a drama queen. Once. He doesn't need to be nagged til times get better. If he can't figure it out, then you dump him and find someone who doesn't need to be told to do the same thing over and over. And if you're that uncomfortable with him, you don't have to be with him. How about you do something to stand sentry to your own boundaries instead of making someone you barely know for two months and certainly barely have been dating for less than one month do your heavy lifting. You are grown, aren't you? Ummm... I wrote the exact things he did that made me distrust him. Read back. But yes, you're right about how I should've only raised concern once. I've been too kind to him.
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 This guy groped her on a second date. Literally tried to grab her by the p, what a gentleman! If he pulled that on me he'd probably get slapped (and I have done that once). Just because you're on a date with a romantic interest, doesn't mean you're entitled to touch their butt or genitalia. Actually, I don't think that anyone should assume they have free access to those areas, not even in a relationship. There has to be some sense of appropriate time and place for that. Now there are plenty of people who don't mind making out on first or second dates, but they give out a different energy - they flirt, they touch etc. You can definitely feel when someone's on the reserved side. Nothing wrong with needing more time before getting sexual. What you said resonates with me. I feel he failed to read the signs that I was giving out that night, I was reserved that night and I think he should've tried to take notice of that before going ahead and touching close to my private region. After he touched me on that second date, I soon later assumed that because many people here are comfortable with casual sex, that it maybe wasn't too big of a deal. But now, it still doesn't feel right that he didn't read the energy I was putting out.
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 These are reasons why I kept giving him a chance. I think I doubted myself, thinking that maybe I was being unreasonable, because I still barely know him and should wait and see for longer to get a better idea of him. I thought maybe because casual sex is such a norm that it was okay he touched me soon, I questioned if he knew I didn't want it because I was really making out hard with him and wasn't very firm with him to stop. I thought he seems really willing to keep trying to build my trust and shows remorse for his actions. He didn't touch me the last time I saw him and he asked for permission to touch my butt while kissing instead of going ahead. I thought if he just wanted sex he would've left by now after I showed him I don't want it anytime soon (but I challenge that thought because apparently some men can wait forever and do anything to achieve it eventually). I thought maybe this guy actually is really into me and I should give him a chance. And maybe even that I could just want to have fun (questioning what I want) so I should just enjoy in the moment.
greymatter Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 Do you even like him (it's hard to tell)? I wouldn't be so concerned about how into you *he* is. Are you into him?
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 I wouldn't keep dating a guy who disrespect my boundaries TWICE. The second time he touched you against your will should have been the last time he got to see you. If someone can't respect you in the very beginning, it won't get better later on. On top of that he gets angry when you address his behavior. Major red flags. But you seem to be willing to take the risk it seems. And I don't agree with others who called this unnecessary drama. This guy proceeded to touch her intimate parts even after she told him she doesn't want that and prefers to get to know each other first. He lovebombed her and asked for a relationship way too early. If I remember correctly (I might mix it up with another thread), he even makes excuses that he's too tired to text/call. This. These are all the things my gut are saying aren't good.
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 Do you even like him (it's hard to tell)? I wouldn't be so concerned about how into you *he* is. Are you into him? I do like him and find him very attractive. I have a lot of fun when I'm with him. I like the affection he gives me, none of my exes have been that affectionate with me. But on an emotional level I'm not feeling that depth I want. There's something missing.
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) I think that I know what I want, but I'm afraid I won't find it. So perhaps I'm settling for this guy because he is fun and I feel unsure that he has bad intentions. What I truly want is someone who I really feel a connection with, who takes things at the right pace with me (not as fast as this guy) so I can enjoy it, doesn't shut down when I share my worries, who my gut doesn't feel bad about at all, who gets to know so many little things about me and asks lots of questions to get to know me deeply. Has more depth to his texts and calls me more even if "tired". Takes every opportunity to see me (one day this guy had the day off work but he didn't come to see me because he saw me two days earlier. Not sure if that's bad but I was unhappy. Also, soon after I first met him, he moved to the location he started his new job. He said he wanted to wait until he gets paid 2 weeks later before seeing me, but I told him if he really wanted to see me he should come anyway on his day off and do free things with me. He came after I said that but I felt upset he didn't initially think of it). Edited January 31, 2018 by tru4u
LovelyRose Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 You missed a lot of very important facts on your original thread. Therefore it gave us a vibe that it was you who had bigger issue to resolve. With everything I have read he sounds like he doesn't fully respect you. So I understand you now why you can't trust him. He doesnt need to completely understand why you are not ready for sex. He just simply needs to respect you enough to be patiently waiting when it's time. Not by telling you things you want to hear then turn around and attempt to trick you to get tempted by booking a hotel. Follow your gut instinct and think of your safety first. I want to just say dump him, but then again..only you can decide for that. You are the only one who knows him more. 2
Els Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 Again, much of this should have been in the opening post. OP, it's completely normal to want to wait a bit for sex (it's also fairly normal to not care about waiting, but surely both camps can coexist in peace). Yes, some guys won't want to wait, and that's their prerogative, but if that is the case then they are welcome to leave. What they are NOT welcome to do is to touch your genitals without consent (regardless of how popular a certain politician is! ). Please leave this guy. He's not a good one. Find someone who respects your boundaries, and who is otherwise compatible with you. They're out there. You should also probably do some self-introspection as to why you felt you could "talk" this guy into becoming a decent person. You can't. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. 1
Els Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I think that I know what I want, but I'm afraid I won't find it. So perhaps I'm settling for this guy because he is fun and I feel unsure that he has bad intentions. What I truly want is someone who I really feel a connection with, who takes things at the right pace with me (not as fast as this guy) so I can enjoy it, doesn't shut down when I share my worries, who my gut doesn't feel bad about at all, who gets to know so many little things about me and asks lots of questions to get to know me deeply. Has more depth to his texts and calls me more even if "tired". Takes every opportunity to see me Sounds like my SO to a T. They really are out there. But the more time you waste with guys like this, the less likely you'll be to meet them. Generally, if a "relationship" has THIS many issues a few weeks in, it's dead in the water. (And that's not even touching the whole lack of consent thing) 1
Lorenza Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 OP, I don't think your requirements are unrealistic. It's completely normal to want a guy who'll care about the little things and try to get to know you before jumping into bed with you. There certainly are guys like that out there. But as Elswyth said, you're missing out on them while wasting time with someone who doesn't fulfil your needs. When you meet the right person, everything will feel easy breezy, no stress, no bad gut feeling, just enjoying the process. 2
stillafool Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I do have a high sex drive hahaha. I just don't want to give it to this guy when I'm distrusting of him and I want to see he doesn't just want sex with me. Why did you even enter a relationship with a guy you don't trust? That makes absolutely no sense at all. You should have moved on when he crossed your boundaries twice. How old are you? 2
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 I don't understand why he is doing what he is doing, but I have given up patience now. I am over it. I am not happy. I remember when he used to call even when extremely tired just to be on the phone with me. He'd stay on the phone even though he would eventually fall asleep on the phone . Now, he doesn't even do that anymore or text goodnight, he falls asleep without calling and it's back to good morning the next day. Because he's too tired or busy. I'm putting no more effort into him.
olivetree Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I don't understand why he is doing what he is doing, but I have given up patience now. I am over it. I am not happy. I remember when he used to call even when extremely tired just to be on the phone with me. He'd stay on the phone even though he would eventually fall asleep on the phone . Now, he doesn't even do that anymore or text goodnight, he falls asleep without calling and it's back to good morning the next day. Because he's too tired or busy. I'm putting no more effort into him. Withdrawing seems like a tactic to get him to step up. Why not actually break up and find a guy that meets your needs? 1
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 Withdrawing seems like a tactic to get him to step up. Why not actually break up and find a guy that meets your needs? I don't expect him to step up. I want to try to withdraw with full acceptance he won't change, and wait for someone better. I don't even know if we are together, lol (this is how bad this situation is). I think he still sees me as his girlfriend? We did become gf/ bf but soon afterwards I talked about my worries to him and he said okay if I don't want to be with him I don't have to, and I said ok but I wasn't too firm about it. But it hasn't felt like a relationship.
Els Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I don't expect him to step up. I want to try to withdraw with full acceptance he won't change, and wait for someone better. I don't even know if we are together, lol (this is how bad this situation is). I think he still sees me as his girlfriend? We did become gf/ bf but soon afterwards I talked about my worries to him and he said okay if I don't want to be with him I don't have to, and I said ok but I wasn't too firm about it. But it hasn't felt like a relationship. So what on earth is stopping you from breaking up with him????
Miss Spider Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 You need to cut the cord like right now. I know you still have feels, but continuing is just going to drag out the inevitable and prolong your suffering.
kendahke Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 These are reasons why I kept giving him a chance.. You've only known him two weeks--he's basically a stranger, so why do you feel he needs to be given these many chances in such a short amount of time of knowing/dating you? Because he's cute and fun? So was Ted Bundy. Do you place any sort of value on your time and your intelligence? I mean, he acts like a stubborn child that you keep indulging--people like that never appreciate the repeated chances they are given--they come to expect for you to be quiet and let them do as they wish. I think I doubted myself, If someone does something once and you tell them that you don't like it and they stop doing what bothers you, it's an isolated incident. If they do the same thing again, it's not an isolated instance, they don't respect your feelings and you need to perk up your senses and take notice instead of being taken in by how he looks and how much fun he is. If they do it a third time, it's a pattern of behavior and you are not going to change that, so you need to figure out how important his looks and his being fun are when you have to keep on him about doing things you don't like for him to do. 1
kendahke Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 This. These are all the things my gut are saying aren't good. Yet there you remain with him... 1
kendahke Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I think that I know what I want, but I'm afraid I won't find it. So perhaps I'm settling for this guy because he is fun and I feel unsure that he has bad intentions. What I truly want is someone who I really feel a connection with, who takes things at the right pace with me (not as fast as this guy) so I can enjoy it, doesn't shut down when I share my worries, who my gut doesn't feel bad about at all, who gets to know so many little things about me and asks lots of questions to get to know me deeply. Has more depth to his texts and calls me more even if "tired". Takes every opportunity to see me (one day this guy had the day off work but he didn't come to see me because he saw me two days earlier. Not sure if that's bad but I was unhappy. Also, soon after I first met him, he moved to the location he started his new job. He said he wanted to wait until he gets paid 2 weeks later before seeing me, but I told him if he really wanted to see me he should come anyway on his day off and do free things with me. He came after I said that but I felt upset he didn't initially think of it). This here is you sending mixed messages and it's no wonder he's thinking you want to go fast, since you didn't want to wait to see him after his move. Men are not mind-readers. If he felt he would feel more comfortable as a man waiting to take the lead and take you out, you pretty much did the mom thing on him and chastised him instead of putting brakes on, since your'e the one who wants to go slow. Guys are not renovation projects. They are who they are, not who you wished they'd be. If you need a guy as stated at the start of this post, then you need to develop the self discipline to be by yourself until this guy presents himself because the one you're with ain't that guy. Staying with this guy because you don't want to be by yourself, you want to be in some relationship (even a bad one is better than none?), causes the guy who you really should be with unable to find or treat with you because you're too wrapped up in someone who isn't working out and doesn't respect what you ask of him. 1
olivetree Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I don't expect him to step up. I want to try to withdraw with full acceptance he won't change, and wait for someone better. What this says to me is that you can't be alone. You need to work on that or you'll always be settling for less and holding onto crappy relationships. Having a safety net is not good for you or your self esteem. First step: break up with this guy and be alone. 2
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