CptInsano Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) We are in a relationship as he already said I am his girlfriend and he loves me and I agreed eventually to that but then reconsidered the fact that I don't know him well enough yet... :/ Just because somebody labels something a certain way doesn't make it so. Based on your other responses in this thread I see quite a misalignment of expectations. At the end of the day you really don't know each other well enough yet. There is still a good chance that you simply aren't compatible, and you seem to have a hard time communicating with each other as it is, and seem to project expectations upon each other. Yet you are still in a discovery phase. I would take a step back and view it from a dating perspective: You don't owe each other anything other than finding out if there is a match. It is too early to fix things. Edited January 30, 2018 by CptInsano 2
LoverOfDance Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Hi Op, I feel like the world has changed a lot and these days, guys tend to expect sex by the second date. I honestly think we all move too fast these days especially on the physical side. I'm not sure why we are all in such a hurry and why we don't just slow down, enjoy the romance and get to know each other. Saying he loves you after two months seems a little too soon especially considering that he doesn't even communicate much. I honestly would not trust him either. I'd be cautious. I think you should hold back on the serious conversations for now. Just let him know that you're not ready for sex and that you just want to have fun and get to know each other. If he keeps trying for sex and refusing to respect your feelings, then I think you should move on. Also, if he doesn't communicate enough, let him know. If nothing changes, move on. Do not wait for him to change. For me, I would give him one chance after telling him my feelings. If nothing changes, I'd move on. 1
MaleIntuition Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I would like to address your original question: Are men had at talking about feelings. I believe that a lot of gender stereotypes steems from the fact that certain personality traits are more common among men than among women. According to jungian typology we either have a preference for thinking/logic or for feeling/value when it comes to how we take decisions. The former is more common among men than among women. That doesn’t mean all men are bad with feelings, just that it’s more statistically probable that they are. Furthermore young people tend to have less developed personalities and therefore even stronger preferences for one or the other. The reason why he has to stop and think is simply because he don’t know what the heck you are talking about. Open up? Create a connection? From a logical standpoint these things doesn’t really mean much. A connection is something you feel, not an objective entity. You, on the other hand, is very much a feeler. It’s clear from, for example, the way you simply assumed that everyone would understand that you where uncomfortable with his pace of physical escalation from your opening post. It’s perfectly valid for you to want to wait until you feel such a connection, but he doesn’t know if or when you feel it. So, maybe you could try to figure out what you need to feel a connection. Is it time together? Trust (that’s another feeling)? Or something else entirely? 2
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Ok ok......so you are saying his actions indicate his intentions are not true or could be not true. So if he just wants to throw a hump into you, telling him no, and let's talk about how uncomfortable he is making you blah blah....WILL NOT change his intentions....ever. All you are doing is frustrating him, and causing aggravation....he's going to give up on you eventually and move on. Kick him to the curb. 1
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 So, a day later he still wants to try and apologised for not being able to listen to me and for getting angry at me. I also apologised for being too stressed with him. He said he does want sex and touching and affectionate things with me but won't touch or have sex with me soon because I don't want it. He was actually planning to book a hotel this weekend, and when he said he does want sex in the future at one point, I asked if he meant in general or in the hotel and he said both... I was surprised he said that (he wants sex this weekend) but he also said he won't touch or anything because I don't want it. Considering how much of a hard time i seemed to give him I feel that if he just wanted sex he probably would've given up by now rather than trying still? ...
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 I would like to address your original question: Are men had at talking about feelings. I believe that a lot of gender stereotypes steems from the fact that certain personality traits are more common among men than among women. According to jungian typology we either have a preference for thinking/logic or for feeling/value when it comes to how we take decisions. The former is more common among men than among women. That doesn’t mean all men are bad with feelings, just that it’s more statistically probable that they are. Furthermore young people tend to have less developed personalities and therefore even stronger preferences for one or the other. The reason why he has to stop and think is simply because he don’t know what the heck you are talking about. Open up? Create a connection? From a logical standpoint these things doesn’t really mean much. A connection is something you feel, not an objective entity. You, on the other hand, is very much a feeler. It’s clear from, for example, the way you simply assumed that everyone would understand that you where uncomfortable with his pace of physical escalation from your opening post. It’s perfectly valid for you to want to wait until you feel such a connection, but he doesn’t know if or when you feel it. So, maybe you could try to figure out what you need to feel a connection. Is it time together? Trust (that’s another feeling)? Or something else entirely? Yeah both of those: time and trust. Plus seeing that he doesn't try to touch me sexually until I give him the ok. Plus getting to know more about him.
CptInsano Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 So, a day later he still wants to try and apologised for not being able to listen to me and for getting angry at me. I also apologised for being too stressed with him. He said he does want sex and touching and affectionate things with me but won't touch or have sex with me soon because I don't want it. He was actually planning to book a hotel this weekend, and when he said he does want sex in the future at one point, I asked if he meant in general or in the hotel and he said both... I was surprised he said that (he wants sex this weekend) but he also said he won't touch or anything because I don't want it. Considering how much of a hard time i seemed to give him I feel that if he just wanted sex he probably would've given up by now rather than trying still? ... Consider his actions, not his words. He booked the hotel for a reason and was very direct about it. I don't know whether he wants only sex, but I think he is counting on you giving in if he persists enough. Just like you are hoping for that emotional connection if you wait long enough. 2
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 Consider his actions, not his words. He booked the hotel for a reason and was very direct about it. I don't know whether he wants only sex, but I think he is counting on you giving in if he persists enough. Just like you are hoping for that emotional connection if you wait long enough. Apart from sex he also wanted to book a room to stay all day and night with me instead of going home earlier by train. He said he won't book the hotel anymore because he understands I don't want the physical stuff yet. I was asking why he wants sex so soon. Maybe he didn't want me to worry again. But before he said we won't stay in a hotel together I was soon enough going to tell him I didn't even want to stay in a hotel with him yet.
Lorenza Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I wouldn't keep dating a guy who disrespect my boundaries TWICE. The second time he touched you against your will should have been the last time he got to see you. If someone can't respect you in the very beginning, it won't get better later on. On top of that he gets angry when you address his behavior. Major red flags. But you seem to be willing to take the risk it seems. And I don't agree with others who called this unnecessary drama. This guy proceeded to touch her intimate parts even after she told him she doesn't want that and prefers to get to know each other first. He lovebombed her and asked for a relationship way too early. If I remember correctly (I might mix it up with another thread), he even makes excuses that he's too tired to text/call. 3
Els Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 He touched my butt and very close to touching my private area down below on the 2nd date. He touched me under my bra and again very close down there on the 4th date, although he knew I didn't want that after the 2nd date. I think I feel upset that he went fast like that when I didn't want to and I just wanted to get to know him on an emotional level. But yeah, thanks for your input, I seem to be confused.. Well, you should have mentioned this in your first post, because I was all set to tell you that you were being unreasonable until I read this. I do still think you're being unreasonable, but in a different way. Why do you even want to "talk things out" with someone who disrespected your personal boundaries and touched you without consent twice in 2 weeks????? This completely boggles the mind. Stop talking and start walking, is my advice. 6
CptInsano Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 He said he won't book the hotel anymore because he understands I don't want the physical stuff yet. I was asking why he wants sex so soon. Maybe he didn't want me to worry again. But before he said we won't stay in a hotel together I was soon enough going to tell him I didn't even want to stay in a hotel with him yet. Yes, what he says seems inconsistent, and he just gives in enough to keep you from jumping ship. I still think what the two of you want from each other is quite misaligned. This is why I don't think more discussions will help, as your goals seem quite different. 1
Zahara Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 He touched my butt and very close to touching my private area down below on the 2nd date. He touched me under my bra and again very close down there on the 4th date, although he knew I didn't want that after the 2nd date. I think I feel upset that he went fast like that when I didn't want to and I just wanted to get to know him on an emotional level. But yeah, thanks for your input, I seem to be confused.. This information should have been relayed in your earlier post. Dating/courtship is the time you use to get to know someone to see if they align with what you want in a partner and relationship. If they don't, you move on. He's crossed your boundaries twice. That would have been it for me. But instead you're negotiating with him and trying to get him to behave the way you want him to behave when he is showing you exactly who he is. Stop trying to change him into becoming someone you need him to be. If you are uncomfortable and find that he's overstepping, you need to walk away. 3
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Considering how much of a hard time i seemed to give him I feel that if he just wanted sex he probably would've given up by now rather than trying still? ... No no....just because he waits around doesn't mean he is going to be committed to you...nope no way. It proves nothing. He's a guy, and guys will do and say anything to get sex. He's after you because he has you in the cross hairs....he feels his goal is near if he carefully plans things like renting a hotel room, and probably cornering you. Don't go there, you are setting yourself up to being forced upon. And no judge would be in your favor because you went willingly to a hotel room alone with him. Don't be so stupid. 4
lurker74 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I'm going to go out on a limb here and surmise that there are cultural issues involved. Maybe religious background, ethnic marriage traditions, or puritan upbringings? If so, I would imagine that you want to stay true to your heritage and are upset that he is not respecting that. I mostly agree with the others that have said that if he crossed your well known boundaries you should be upset. I will also say that if you are posting from a Western country while having more chaste cultural background, today's world can make it difficult to maintain your boundaries and very confusing for men. Not so confusing that they are allowed to stomp all over your boundaries but confusing and difficult to notice until, for some, it's too late. So I'll go in the other direction than some of the earlier posters. If it's that important to you, sit him down and be clear what has to happen before you have sex. Whether that's marriage, engagement, or him dancing a jig, he should know. If he knows and doesn't respect it - even if it's just verbal pressure - you should definitely stop seeing him. 2
basil67 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I was asking why he wants sex so soon. No offence intended, but this is a really odd question to ask a relationship partner. The answer is so simple: It's because he's attracted to you. Because he's in a relationship with you. Because he's horny. Because it's fairly common in relationships. Because he'd like to get to know you on an intimate level. Because he does! 3
newyorker11356 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 No offence intended, but this is a really odd question to ask a relationship partner. The answer is so simple: It's because he's attracted to you. Because he's in a relationship with you. Because he's horny. Because it's fairly common in relationships. Because he'd like to get to know you on an intimate level. Because he does! This. As a guy, I'd wonder if she really has much (if any) sex drive after hearing something like that. 2
kendahke Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I feel that the reason I'm being like this to him is based on things he himself has done that I couldn't trust, not things my past boyfriends have done. Such. As. What? You never give any examples and that makes it sound like a bunch of unnecesary drama. I mean, quite of few people around here have asked you for specifics and you ignore it---and that leads us to believe that you're a drama queen. Shouldn't I raise concern with him if I feel uncomfortable with him? Once. He doesn't need to be nagged til times get better. If he can't figure it out, then you dump him and find someone who doesn't need to be told to do the same thing over and over. And if you're that uncomfortable with him, you don't have to be with him. How about you do something to stand sentry to your own boundaries instead of making someone you barely know for two months and certainly barely have been dating for less than one month do your heavy lifting. You are grown, aren't you? 1
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 OP wants romance and unicorns, not some horndog guy. Courted not groped.
Lorenza Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 This. As a guy, I'd wonder if she really has much (if any) sex drive after hearing something like that. This guy groped her on a second date. Literally tried to grab her by the p, what a gentleman! If he pulled that on me he'd probably get slapped (and I have done that once). Just because you're on a date with a romantic interest, doesn't mean you're entitled to touch their butt or genitalia. Actually, I don't think that anyone should assume they have free access to those areas, not even in a relationship. There has to be some sense of appropriate time and place for that. Now there are plenty of people who don't mind making out on first or second dates, but they give out a different energy - they flirt, they touch etc. You can definitely feel when someone's on the reserved side. Nothing wrong with needing more time before getting sexual. 2
OnlyHonesty Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 This will not last. The irony is that you talk about taking it slow and getting to know each other on an emotional level, but ow you've dealt with things shows you are only connecting on a mind / ego level. 1
kendahke Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 No offence intended, but this is a really odd question to ask a relationship partner. The answer is so simple: It's because he's attracted to you. Because he's in a relationship with you. Because he's horny. Because it's fairly common in relationships. Because he'd like to get to know you on an intimate level. Because he does! Why this is so hard to understand is a mystery of the ages.
kendahke Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Such. As. What? You never give any examples and that makes it sound like a bunch of unnecesary drama.? He touched my butt and very close to touching my private area down below on the 2nd date. He touched me under my bra and again very close down there on the 4th date, although he knew I didn't want that after the 2nd date. I think I feel upset that he went fast like that when I didn't want to and I just wanted to get to know him on an emotional level. This should have been in the first post. I don't understand why you want to proceed with someone who has to be repeatedly told to do something, like a stubborn child who then throws a tantrum because he doesn't like your reaction after he's gone against what you told him you didn't want. It isn't love because you two haven't known one another long enough for a healthy love to spring forth--so why do you insist upon staying with him if he keeps failing? What is your end game here? 1
olivetree Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 Your guy sounds creepy. You shouldn't be trying to work things out or waiting for things to get better. You should be walking away.
basil67 Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 tru4u, how old are the both of you? Is he your first boyfriend?
Author tru4u Posted January 31, 2018 Author Posted January 31, 2018 No offence intended, but this is a really odd question to ask a relationship partner. The answer is so simple: It's because he's attracted to you. Because he's in a relationship with you. Because he's horny. Because it's fairly common in relationships. Because he'd like to get to know you on an intimate level. Because he does! When I said it, I was sort of implying to him that I feel it's too early because I feel I haven't established enough emotional connection with him, maybe implying I was questioning his motives for wanting it so soon.
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