tru4u Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Thanks for reading, I'm needing some help on a guy I'm dating. I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now. He knows I have some trust issues towards him because he moved quite fast in his romantic interest since meeting him. I have told him I want to take things slower and see that his intentions really are good, and get to know him better before I can fully open up to him. I feel this is completely normal and understandable. I have noticed something that I'm not quite sure is really a bad thing or not but I definitely don't feel happy with it. When I talk to him about stress or concerns regarding our relationship he shuts down. He gets stressed that we are having problems and says he doesn't like this serious talk and wants us to be happy. There are long silences where he is "thinking" about what to say. Today I tried to talk to him about how i feel again, that I feel a bit uncomfortable with how fast things have been going, that I need more time to trust him and build more of a connection, but also how since I am having some trust issues with him I expect him to be showing more effort in trying to build my trust. He said he already explained this last week and that I seem to be stressed too often about this and I will keep being stressed about it. I told him his words weren't enough, I am simply saying I want more efforts from him and time to build a connection before moving faster. He said then he can't explain anything on the phone and "what do I do now?". He sounded like he was getting upset possibly angry but he assured me he wasn't angry. In turn I end up feeling like he isn't listening to me or taking me seriously or possibly doesn't respect my discomfort. I've heard a lot that this is normal in men to shut down during emotional talks and doesn't mean they don't care, they just can't deal with emotional talk the way women do? How do I tell if it's that or if this guy really is not emotionally supportive of me and I deserve better? I'm certainly not feeling happy with how he responded to my talk.
Zahara Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I have noticed something that I'm not quite sure is really a bad thing or not but I definitely don't feel happy with it. What have you noticed? When I talk to him about stress or concerns regarding our relationship he shuts down. A few weeks of dating and already all this drama. If you don't trust him at this point -- you have no "relationship". If I were him, I would be running. The beginnings of a courtship is supposed to be fun -- none of this heavy stuff. This is when YOU observe his behavior and you determine if he is right for you. The onus is on you. You don't keep bogging him down about your concerns and how he needs to assure you. If he's legitimate in his feelings for you, he's going to get tired of your insecurities. If he's disingenuous, then at some point he'll dump and move on. 23
hippychick3 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 What have you noticed? A few weeks of dating and already all this drama. If you don't trust him at this point -- you have no "relationship". If I were him, I would be running. The beginnings of a courtship is supposed to be fun -- none of this heavy stuff. This is when YOU observe his behavior and you determine if he is right for you. The onus is on you. You don't keep bogging him down about your concerns and how he needs to assure you. If he's legitimate in his feelings for you, he's going to get tired of your insecurities. If he's disingenuous, then at some point he'll dump and move on. This. The first few weeks of dating should be easy breezy...light and FUN. No guy wants to deal with all these heavy, serious convos this early on. I expect he will have enough of this very soon and move on. 6
LoverOfDance Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Hi Op, sorry to hear you're feeling this way about your relationship. I just have a few questions that i'd like to ask so that I can understand your situation a little better - how long have you known this guy? Could you give some examples of ways in which you feel he has moved too fast for you? Also, what has he done to make you feel like he is not putting in enough effort? 1
CptInsano Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I normally limit relationship talks for those times I'm actually in a relationship. If you know the guy for a few weeks and it takes that much effort, are you sure it's a good match? 7
kendahke Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 've heard a lot that this is normal in men to shut down during emotional talks and doesn't mean they don't care, they just can't deal with emotional talk the way women do? I can tell you what is not normal: Loading a guy you barely know down with all of this unresolved baggage that you haven't dealt with and sorted from your past relationships. No---no guy that you hardly know is going to do this. That's why he's balking. This is all above his pay grade. It sounds like you need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend if at the 2-3 week mark, all this drama is falling out. 13
Chilli Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 (edited) No it's not normal of men to shut down but l think just about anyone would be going a bit nuts with you carrying on drama drama so much so early in. Edited January 29, 2018 by Chilli 11
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Thanks for reading, I'm needing some help on a guy I'm dating. I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now. He knows I have some trust issues towards him because he moved quite fast in his romantic interest since meeting him. I have told him I want to take things slower and see that his intentions really are good, and get to know him better before I can fully open up to him. I feel this is completely normal and understandable. I have noticed something that I'm not quite sure is really a bad thing or not but I definitely don't feel happy with it. When I talk to him about stress or concerns regarding our relationship he shuts down. He gets stressed that we are having problems and says he doesn't like this serious talk and wants us to be happy. There are long silences where he is "thinking" about what to say. Today I tried to talk to him about how i feel again, that I feel a bit uncomfortable with how fast things have been going, that I need more time to trust him and build more of a connection, but also how since I am having some trust issues with him I expect him to be showing more effort in trying to build my trust. He said he already explained this last week and that I seem to be stressed too often about this and I will keep being stressed about it. I told him his words weren't enough, I am simply saying I want more efforts from him and time to build a connection before moving faster. He said then he can't explain anything on the phone and "what do I do now?". He sounded like he was getting upset possibly angry but he assured me he wasn't angry. In turn I end up feeling like he isn't listening to me or taking me seriously or possibly doesn't respect my discomfort. I've heard a lot that this is normal in men to shut down during emotional talks and doesn't mean they don't care, they just can't deal with emotional talk the way women do? How do I tell if it's that or if this guy really is not emotionally supportive of me and I deserve better? I'm certainly not feeling happy with how he responded to my talk This is not "normal" men behavior. When a guy (or girl) really cares about you, they will listen to you and be there for you. Don't take this the wrong way, but you are making excuses for his bad behavior and you are willing to compromise how you should be treated to stay w/him. Men don't treat you like crap, only certain ones do. You do deserve better. 1
salparadise Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 No it's not normal of men to shut down but l think just about anyone would be going a bit nuts with you carrying on drama drama so much so early in. Exactly. You're expecting him to make a big effort to earn your trust, but it sounds like to me that you aren't participating... other than to criticize him because he's not doing it right. Why do you think this is supposed to be so one sided? 5
Interstellar Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 (edited) Do you bring up these issues EVERY single time you’re together? It sounds like it. No wonder he’s shutting down. You know it’s not just the men who should keep things fun, light, and positive? Edited January 30, 2018 by Interstellar 6
Fair Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I don't know what the right answer is... there's more here than you've told... If I'd been seeing a guy for a few weeks, I would be unable to keep seeing him if I could only be happy and talk about shallow topics without him blowing a gasket. I don't know what your 'issues' are or how much you are stressed about and how often you take them to him, but seems to me he should be making some effort to listen to you if he really cares. Men are less apt to want to hear about a woman's problems if they are less committed to the relationship. From what you say, it seems he's not listening to you at all. 1
act00 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 You want to "take things slow," yet you keep pressuring him on these "define the relationship" questions...that's not slow. That's defining a relationship. What is "too fast?" Please explain to me what the definition is. Did he go under the shirt but above the bra? Did the bra come off? Did the pants come off but no actual penetration and that's too fast? Do you have zero choices? Did he express to you that he he really likes you and wants things to progress? Does he want to see you more than once a week or once a month? Does he text too often? Too little? Does he talk about non-superficial things and ask you questions and try to get to know you more? Do you have a defined set of rules? Does he know what those rules are? Maybe you should give him a playbook. I don't understand you expecting him to jump through hoops to earn your trust. You're the one that wants "slow," yet you're behaving in a "fast" manner, rather than just enjoying his company and taking things one date at a time. I'm not sure what you consider slow is, but harping on him and requiring him to "earn your trust" is not a slow relationship; it's putting a lot of pressure on someone to cater to whatever idea you have, and frankly, I don't think you know what you want, so you're creating drama...which shall I point out is not slow. 9
dude360 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 You sound like such a Debbie Downer. I'm surprised he's still dating you at this point. Stop being so heavy handed and try to be more light hearted. Leave your trust issues outside the door. That's between you and whichever guy broke your heart. 3
Noproblem Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Seriously, who likes to talk about problems in a relationship in a month or two This way too deep and serious. Why are you doing this? Ruining the relationship before it even starts. 1
Highndry Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 You're poisoning the relationship before it even begins. 2 weeks? He's gonna bail. I know I would. MAJOR red flags flying off you. Get a handle on things, immediately. 4
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I would shut down too and I'm not even a guy............. 7
LovelyRose Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Thanks for reading, I'm needing some help on a guy I'm dating. I have been dating this guy for a few weeks now. He knows I have some trust issues towards him because he moved quite fast in his romantic interest since meeting him. I have told him I want to take things slower and see that his intentions really are good, and get to know him better before I can fully open up to him. I feel this is completely normal and understandable. I have noticed something that I'm not quite sure is really a bad thing or not but I definitely don't feel happy with it. When I talk to him about stress or concerns regarding our relationship he shuts down. He gets stressed that we are having problems and says he doesn't like this serious talk and wants us to be happy. There are long silences where he is "thinking" about what to say. Today I tried to talk to him about how i feel again, that I feel a bit uncomfortable with how fast things have been going, that I need more time to trust him and build more of a connection, but also how since I am having some trust issues with him I expect him to be showing more effort in trying to build my trust. He said he already explained this last week and that I seem to be stressed too often about this and I will keep being stressed about it. I told him his words weren't enough, I am simply saying I want more efforts from him and time to build a connection before moving faster. He said then he can't explain anything on the phone and "what do I do now?". He sounded like he was getting upset possibly angry but he assured me he wasn't angry. In turn I end up feeling like he isn't listening to me or taking me seriously or possibly doesn't respect my discomfort. I've heard a lot that this is normal in men to shut down during emotional talks and doesn't mean they don't care, they just can't deal with emotional talk the way women do? How do I tell if it's that or if this guy really is not emotionally supportive of me and I deserve better? I'm certainly not feeling happy with how he responded to my talk. Please excuse me if this sounds brutal. But you seem like a big ball of drama. You don't trust him because he may have moved too quickly with his romantic interest? So you're not bf/gf then? So what relationship are you stressed and concerned about? What's going too fast for you? Like sex? How old are you two? Just curious. Are you concerned that he moved too fast in the romantic side just to get in your pants? Is that what you're trying to say that's why he needs to earn your trust. Are you thinking hes only after sex? Please clarify this. Figure yourself out first and what you want. Beginning stage should be fun and exciting with butterflies in your stomach feelings. Not stress and worries. Your not happy with the way he responded. You're lucky he even responded at all. What about your actions? I wouldn't be happy either if that was me. 2
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 What have you noticed? A few weeks of dating and already all this drama. If you don't trust him at this point -- you have no "relationship". If I were him, I would be running. The beginnings of a courtship is supposed to be fun -- none of this heavy stuff. This is when YOU observe his behavior and you determine if he is right for you. The onus is on you. You don't keep bogging him down about your concerns and how he needs to assure you. If he's legitimate in his feelings for you, he's going to get tired of your insecurities. If he's disingenuous, then at some point he'll dump and move on. Sorry, I "noticed" the thing I then wrote right afterwards, haha. Thanks for that perspective. I found it really interesting. I thought maybe I was being a bit unreasonable..
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 Hi Op, sorry to hear you're feeling this way about your relationship. I just have a few questions that i'd like to ask so that I can understand your situation a little better - how long have you known this guy? Could you give some examples of ways in which you feel he has moved too fast for you? Also, what has he done to make you feel like he is not putting in enough effort? I've known him for about say 2 months but we've been dating for one month. He in some instances had touched me in places I didn't want to be touched, to which I afterwards told him I didn't feel comfortable about and that it was too soon. This is one reason I'm having trouble trusting him. Also him saying he loves me so soon. I guess I expect that if he knows I don't trust him after those instances, he should be putting a lot of effort to build my trust again. What's your opinion?
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I normally limit relationship talks for those times I'm actually in a relationship. If you know the guy for a few weeks and it takes that much effort, are you sure it's a good match? We are in a relationship as he already said I am his girlfriend and he loves me and I agreed eventually to that but then reconsidered the fact that I don't know him well enough yet... :/
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 I can tell you what is not normal: Loading a guy you barely know down with all of this unresolved baggage that you haven't dealt with and sorted from your past relationships. No---no guy that you hardly know is going to do this. That's why he's balking. This is all above his pay grade. It sounds like you need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend if at the 2-3 week mark, all this drama is falling out. I feel that the reason I'm being like this to him is based on things he himself has done that I couldn't trust, not things my past boyfriends have done. Shouldn't I raise concern with him if I feel uncomfortable with him?
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 I don't know what the right answer is... there's more here than you've told... If I'd been seeing a guy for a few weeks, I would be unable to keep seeing him if I could only be happy and talk about shallow topics without him blowing a gasket. I don't know what your 'issues' are or how much you are stressed about and how often you take them to him, but seems to me he should be making some effort to listen to you if he really cares. Men are less apt to want to hear about a woman's problems if they are less committed to the relationship. From what you say, it seems he's not listening to you at all. That's exactly what I'm trying to say. I feel that I can't talk about anything serious with him because I feel he doesn't acknowledge my feelings. I do agree to an extent with what everyone else has been saying - that I am bringing too much drama to him and it should be more fun. BUT I also feel it's not right if I share my feelings of worry with him and he doesn't seem to acknowledge it but rather gets defensive and angry at me...
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 You want to "take things slow," yet you keep pressuring him on these "define the relationship" questions...that's not slow. That's defining a relationship. What is "too fast?" Please explain to me what the definition is. Did he go under the shirt but above the bra? Did the bra come off? Did the pants come off but no actual penetration and that's too fast? Do you have zero choices? Did he express to you that he he really likes you and wants things to progress? Does he want to see you more than once a week or once a month? Does he text too often? Too little? Does he talk about non-superficial things and ask you questions and try to get to know you more? Do you have a defined set of rules? Does he know what those rules are? Maybe you should give him a playbook. I don't understand you expecting him to jump through hoops to earn your trust. You're the one that wants "slow," yet you're behaving in a "fast" manner, rather than just enjoying his company and taking things one date at a time. I'm not sure what you consider slow is, but harping on him and requiring him to "earn your trust" is not a slow relationship; it's putting a lot of pressure on someone to cater to whatever idea you have, and frankly, I don't think you know what you want, so you're creating drama...which shall I point out is not slow. He touched my butt and very close to touching my private area down below on the 2nd date. He touched me under my bra and again very close down there on the 4th date, although he knew I didn't want that after the 2nd date. I think I feel upset that he went fast like that when I didn't want to and I just wanted to get to know him on an emotional level. But yeah, thanks for your input, I seem to be confused..
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 You want to "take things slow," yet you keep pressuring him on these "define the relationship" questions...that's not slow. That's defining a relationship. What is "too fast?" Please explain to me what the definition is. Did he go under the shirt but above the bra? Did the bra come off? Did the pants come off but no actual penetration and that's too fast? Do you have zero choices? Did he express to you that he he really likes you and wants things to progress? Does he want to see you more than once a week or once a month? Does he text too often? Too little? Does he talk about non-superficial things and ask you questions and try to get to know you more? Do you have a defined set of rules? Does he know what those rules are? Maybe you should give him a playbook. I don't understand you expecting him to jump through hoops to earn your trust. You're the one that wants "slow," yet you're behaving in a "fast" manner, rather than just enjoying his company and taking things one date at a time. I'm not sure what you consider slow is, but harping on him and requiring him to "earn your trust" is not a slow relationship; it's putting a lot of pressure on someone to cater to whatever idea you have, and frankly, I don't think you know what you want, so you're creating drama...which shall I point out is not slow. To answer some more of your questions, I feel he isn't trying to get to know me as well as I'd like. But when we hang out we have a lot of fun and there's a lot of affection. Yes he already has expressed his desire to progress, right from the start he wanted a relationship. I feel he doesn't text or call me enough but he has said he is very tired from work so I'm thinking I should expect less calling and texting.
Author tru4u Posted January 30, 2018 Author Posted January 30, 2018 Please excuse me if this sounds brutal. But you seem like a big ball of drama. You don't trust him because he may have moved too quickly with his romantic interest? So you're not bf/gf then? So what relationship are you stressed and concerned about? What's going too fast for you? Like sex? How old are you two? Just curious. Are you concerned that he moved too fast in the romantic side just to get in your pants? Is that what you're trying to say that's why he needs to earn your trust. Are you thinking hes only after sex? Please clarify this. Figure yourself out first and what you want. Beginning stage should be fun and exciting with butterflies in your stomach feelings. Not stress and worries. Your not happy with the way he responded. You're lucky he even responded at all. What about your actions? I wouldn't be happy either if that was me. No it's ok, I need honesty. Yes, I felt concerned he is trying to get into my pants, because he is saying he said he loves me so soon and touched me sexually too soon. What I want is for someone to try to get to know me emotionally much slower than that before they get sexual with me or say they love me.
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