vampslayer29 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 (edited) Long story short, I have been seeing this guy exclusively for about 9 months. Everything is really amazing apart from occasional normal disagreements from time to time but honestly nothing major. From the beginning of our relationship I told him that I want to pursue a dream career overseas soon in my life. He went into the relationship knowing and being okay with this and he kept pursing me. Over time he has said that he doesn't feel comfortable with me leaving but he doesn't want to stop me and I've said that I am thinking of not going for him. We just came back from an overseas trip yesterday and despite a bit of bickering of where our road trip was going it was a very enjoyable trip. He even wanted us both to upload a picture of us together onto social media to 'announce' our relationship. After we got home he told me how I was the love of his life and we had a great night joking around and hanging out together. In the morning he was a bit grumpy because he can't find a new place and his lease ends next week but apologised for taking it out on me. He then went back to his house to unpack and work from home. Flash forward to the night and he's saying that everything is getting too much and he doesn't think he can be with me anymore. He brings up a culmination of things e.g. me leaving (not wanting me to not follow my dreams for him), my anxiety issues, etc. But this has honestly just came out of no where. He went from super loving and crazy about me to completely confused the next minute. We are planning to meet up either today or tomorrow to talk. What does this mean and what should I do from here? I'm completely devastated because I think this is someone I can really be with. Edited January 29, 2018 by vampslayer29
Arieswoman Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 vamp29, From the beginning of our relationship I told him that I want to pursue a dream career overseas soon in my life. ^^ this probably didn't bother him at first but I suspect over time now it does. I suspect he's calling a halt now before he gets in too deep with you, to save himself heartache. All you can do is talk to him about it.
Chilli Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Yeah , a bit of above for sure is my guess but also l think first thing ,try not to worry for a few days yet. Wait until you've spent some time together next and see what eventuates and where he's at then. Sounds like he got home , his housing sitch you leaving soon , the trip and all , he started spinning. See how he is next few days first of all. Good luck.
basil67 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I agree that the thought he'd be fine with you going overseas but now he's realising that he no longer wants to do it. It's probably been bugging him for a while, and having problems finding somewhere to stay brought it to a head. 1
kassy Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 If you don't go overseas you will regret it at some point, and resent him. how long are you going for? Can he go too? Do you have a job and visa lined up already? How soon is this happening? I'm an expat and see a lot of couples move overseas together. But if you are just posting a picture on Facebook after 9 months together then I'm not just you are at a point where you would move together... What does he do? Is it even possible for him to go with you? Can you help him find a new house? How about moving in together, did it come up as an option in your discussions? Sounds like he's stressed, falling in love with a person who is leaving and a bit confused. You need to see if he wants to /can join you on this adventure or both move on if you are going away for a few years. Time for some big talks between the two of you! Good luck! 1
Author vampslayer29 Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 Thank you all for your advice. This is what I was perhaps suspecting too. How do I make him understand that it's my choice and if I want to stay for him I can. He said he is scared that I will resent him or be unhappy. He keeps going back and forth for the past few months on whether he would go or not. And no, nothing is sent in stone at all, I've just been saving money and trying to figure out plans. He just messaged saying he feels like he's checking out and not feeling the same but he's willing to give it a go. I'm just so confused to how someone can 'check out' so dramatically and quickly. This makes no sense to me. Unless he's doing this as some mind game to make me make a decision about leaving? I'm so confused!
kassy Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 What industries are you both in? Where are you planning on going? Will one of you have a job to go to before you go? Are you both applying online for jobs? Do you need a work visa to work there? How about you put it this way to him, you both apply for jobs for the next 6 months if one of you gets something great then you both move and the other one will get a job once there? No decision is made until one of you gets a job which has a decent package that they are excited about. It massively depends on your industries and your likleyhood to get a job
Maggie4 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Don't ask him to stay. Don't even ask him to try. He said he has checked out, etc. Let him sort it out. Just tell him breaking up is not what you want, but if that's what he wants, ok. Don't act desperate. If you do, he'll pull the other way because he's not sure what he wants so all he knows to do is react negatively. So let him make his choice on his own. If he comes back (I think he will), it'd be his choice. There's not much to talk about. When you have the meeting/talk, just listen, say as little as possible.
Author vampslayer29 Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 He is a high school teacher and is 26, I am 24 and an actor. I am eligible now to go on a student visa to the US but my eligibility ends in August so that's why I was thinking of leaving soon. I know going to the US to act is an unrealistic dream but after studying in medical research I knew I wanted to go back to acting. I always felt the need to just try and so I don't have any regrets later in life. He is also very uncomfortable with me being actor and has said that he is very insecure and he doesn't know if he can handle me acting with other guys.
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 He is a high school teacher and is 26, I am 24 and an actor. I am eligible now to go on a student visa to the US but my eligibility ends in August so that's why I was thinking of leaving soon. I know going to the US to act is an unrealistic dream but after studying in medical research I knew I wanted to go back to acting. I always felt the need to just try and so I don't have any regrets later in life. He is also very uncomfortable with me being actor and has said that he is very insecure and he doesn't know if he can handle me acting with other guys. You can't put your dream away because of him. You WILL resentment him on some level one day and have regrets that you didn't pursue an acting career or at least give it your best shot! You are so young and have so much to do and see in life before committing and settling down. 4
basil67 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I assume you know acting is an absolutely brutal career with very low success rates for all but the elite. Before you pack up and leave, I'd ask yourself the hard questions about your chances of success. Starting with: How successful is your acting career in your own country? Have you been in any professional film, stage or TV productions? How good is your US accent? Have you studied at a reputable drama school? Do you have what it takes to cope with all the roles you won't win? Some say you'll be forever regretful if you don't give this a try. But given the extremely small chance of success in acting, I think you could also be regretful if you walk away from a great relationship. But then, I'm a realist and not the kind to chase dreams.
bachdude Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 You realize to come to the US you need to prove financial support, if you come as a student. And tuition at US universities is through the roof right now. Undergrad degrees generally do not have a lot of scholarship money for out of state or country students. And to come as a non student you need an employer willing to fill out all the paper work for a Visa. You can’t just show up in NY wanting to try out acting. It doesn’t work that way. Do you even have the finances or employer to do this? 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 This didn't come out of the blue, OP. He has been saying from the get-go that he wasn't sure about you leaving, and he's not exactly supportive of your acting. Yes, he might have seemed more comfortable for a little while there but you two are heading in very different directions in life. I would pursue your dreams, wherever they may take you. I too moved abroad to fulfill a lifelong goal and have never once looked back. I'm still abroad 5 years later, and have established my life here. If I had stayed behind for a guy I'd been together with such a short time, I am sure I would have regretted it deeply. I have a feeling you'd experience that regret and resentment too. No, you may not find success in the US and you might return home. Heck, you might not even be approved for a visa. But I can just about promise you that you would regret not trying. 1
Author vampslayer29 Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 Thanks again for the responses. I've done a lot of research in the visa process and have a company that would find me a sponsor etc. Now it's all about how well I can save for the next few months and if I want to leave. It's just so hard to decide if somebody is worth it or not! I feel like I'll regret not going and I'll regret not giving him a chance... Especially when I know how unrealistic my goals are. I think I've got to do a lot of soul searching. 1
stillafool Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Pursue the dream career or you will be sorry. Don't let a man deter you from your dream. You will regret it. There are plenty of men but very few opportunities to have the career of your dream. The career will be a better pay off in the end.
Lorenza Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Thanks again for the responses. I've done a lot of research in the visa process and have a company that would find me a sponsor etc. Now it's all about how well I can save for the next few months and if I want to leave. It's just so hard to decide if somebody is worth it or not! I feel like I'll regret not going and I'll regret not giving him a chance... Especially when I know how unrealistic my goals are. I think I've got to do a lot of soul searching. I don't think it's about you giving him a chance, unfortunately. It's about him not wanting to be the main factor in your desicion making process. He just doesn't want to take that responsibility.
1fish2fish Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Forget "unrealistic". It's your dream, and if you don't try, you will look back one day and ask, "what if?" You have an opportunity NOW to pursue it. Do you really want to be someone who is not behind you 100%? Who doesn't support your dream? Who doesn't believe you should at least try? Do you really want to be with a dreamkiller like that?? Him saying he's checking out but "willing to give it a try" means that he's checking out. Period. He's not going to give 100% to it because he doesn't believe in you. Your life is just beginning. Don't settle.
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