TeddyPSmith Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I’ll preface by saying that the relationship with my gf of two years just ended but I have a question about an issue that was part of the catalyst for ending it. I have a 5 yo daughter from a previous marriage. I have 50% custody of my daughter. She has a 4 yo son from a previous relationship. The father is not present in his life at all and she had him full time. My issue is that I worried if we married, her son would be there full time and my daughter would be at my house part time. It felt like I’d be selling out my daughter or “cheating on her”. Does that make any sense? I’m very active in my daughters life and concerned about her well being. My ex didn’t seem very compassionate to my side of the story. She was almost cold. I told her that if she helped me feel better about this guilt, things could progress. She just didn’t seem to understand or try very hard. I felt like her son had a lot to gain from having me as a potential dad but I worrried that my daughter wouldn’t be gaining much from her potential stepmom. It even seemed like she might treat my daughter like a visitor. Anyway, I’m a bit devastated by the breakup but still waning some closure on this issue. Thanks for any advice.
amaysngrace Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 You should trust your feelings. If something seemed off about her then it's probably best if it's over. I'm sorry that you're hurting right now but sometimes you have to try people out to realize what you don't want in a partner as much as what you do. She sounds like a stepping stone to something better. Hang in there. You did the right thing. 2
Popsicle Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Definitely date a woman who doesn't have full custody.
Author TeddyPSmith Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 Definitely date a woman who doesn't have full custody. From personal experience? 1
Popsicle Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 From personal experience? I'm a woman. But I say that because you are right, your daughter may feel cheated, but at the same time, she has something that your gf's kid doesn't have - a second parent and time with them. I think evening out the scales by dating someone who is in the same situation as you would be better. 2
anika99 Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I'm not sure what your gf was supposed to do. She has full custody of her son and her son doesn't have a father at all but she's supposed to feel bad because your daughter has 2 active parents in her life and a potential stepmom? Pretty sure you knew from the start that your gf was a single parent, now all of a sudden you're telling her that's a problem. I can see why she went cold, I would have too. Whatever guilt you have is for you to deal with, your gf isn't a therapist. She's not going to feel bad about having her son and why the heck should she? The poor little guy doesn't have a father at all and I'm sure your gf is already dealing with her own guilty feelings regarding her own child, she doesn't have to deal with your guilt too. In any case, since this is a deal breaker for you, you should probably not date any single parents in the future. 3
mikeylo Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I'm glad the relationship ended. Double standards much. I'm sure she realized that she dodged a bullet for her son! 1
Author TeddyPSmith Posted February 4, 2018 Author Posted February 4, 2018 This post has been helpful to me in a strange twist. I was able to see two very different perspectives regarding my problem. It’s just reinforced to me that I should be dating women like Popsicle as she has the ability to see different sides to an issue. The other commenters more resembled my ex gf. Thanks to all for the advice 1
Author TeddyPSmith Posted February 5, 2018 Author Posted February 5, 2018 Excuse me, amaysngrace too. Thanks for the thoughtful response
Author TeddyPSmith Posted February 20, 2018 Author Posted February 20, 2018 I’ve come to learn that one of my ex’s hang ups with me was that she thought I’d always put my daughter above her. I get mixed opinions on this but my opinion is that it’s a topic that doesn’t need to be broached (choose gf over daughter). It’s like asking if you’d choose your mother or your father to die if one had to go. Why even make it an issue?
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