hotgurl Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 you never once mention hoe you are meeting your wife's emotional needs cleaning and cooking is just a fraction of it. And are you just assuming she is happy or does she tell you? were you by any chance a youth pastor at your church? And you never answered my 1st questions is this the only time you have had an affair?
PatientOne Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Just want to point something out to you... EVERY post I've seen from you is about exOW... EVERY SINGLE ONE. . I noticed that myself, Owl. I have to admit, it's an interesting (albeit creepy) glimpse into the mind of a stalker.
Author ConfusedMM Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 I'm not a stalker first of all. No I was never a youth minister at my church, what does that have to do with anything? NO I had an affair before too. My wife tells me all the time that she is happy. I do a lot for her. I did slip up earlier though, I went to lunch with my friend and well we ran into the exOW and her best friend having lunch at the same restaurant. I confronted the exOW. It was a slip up and will never happen again. I hurt her feelings by calling her some derrogatory words. I feel horrible about it, but I'm mad. Maybe I'm just mad at myself. I don't know!
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 I feel I know the deal with the OW, but I'm curious about your W. How did you meet her? When you were courting, was she different than she is now? What were the circumstances under which you married? Why do you want to stay married to her? Lets say, for instance that she is incapable of making any changes and she will always be the way she is now. Will you spend the rest of your life with her? Will you continue to have affairs? Would you be willing to let her go so that she can find someone who will not experience the same voids in their hearts that you experience and make you want to have affairs to fill them? You mentioned changes that she could make that would make things better. Lets say that you were the one that had to change. What things about yourself do you think she would choose to change, and how would she change them? Not trying to be nosy, really - just trying to see more of the picture.
izzybelle Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 geez guys... i know you are all just trying to help and provide your perspective... but he's posted a number of things about his wife, so i think you're going a bit overboard. afterall this is the OW/OM forum, isn't this an appropriate place for him to come for support on getting over his OW??????? giving up any realtionship, even if it's one you shouldn't have been involved in in the first place is hard but he's taking steps, he's in counseling and he knows it's over between him and his OW. confused, as an exOW i can tell you that many of us "slip up" it happens, just learn from it. use the anger you feel to help you get over her. it will get better in time. and soon you'll have a little one to focus your attention on, as well as your wife. things will get better as long as you work at it, and from what you've said, it appears that you are. and i agree with your counselor about not telling your W about this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 isn't this an appropriate place for him to come for support on getting over his OW??????? Yes, of course. I only posted my 'W' questions because sometimes getting over someone means looking at the situation from every angle. Even the angles you don't want to consider, in order to see what led you there in the first place. In this case, I can't help but wonder if part of the problem with getting over OW was that he was not running to her so much as he was running from something else. Sometimes when you run from something, it puts a fire in your step and makes that outside happiness even more desperate and intense. Was it truly the OW that he is having to get over, or the idea that it is his very happiness itself that he feels ebbing away when faced with the alternative of what he perceives to be a lacking relationship with his W? I see a lot of 'recapture the happiness' stuff when it comes to BH or BW, but what if the happiness that the WS found with OW or OM was never the type of happiness that was in the marriage to begin with? In order to figure out if that's the case, some internal questioning about the W or H is in order. Not pretty to consider, or any less painful to have to answer - but often brutally necessary. It is that understanding that can help contribute to 'getting over it' - or at least I would think it would.
Author ConfusedMM Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 Originally posted by izzybelle geez guys... i know you are all just trying to help and provide your perspective... but he's posted a number of things about his wife, so i think you're going a bit overboard. afterall this is the OW/OM forum, isn't this an appropriate place for him to come for support on getting over his OW??????? giving up any realtionship, even if it's one you shouldn't have been involved in in the first place is hard but he's taking steps, he's in counseling and he knows it's over between him and his OW. confused, as an exOW i can tell you that many of us "slip up" it happens, just learn from it. use the anger you feel to help you get over her. it will get better in time. and soon you'll have a little one to focus your attention on, as well as your wife. things will get better as long as you work at it, and from what you've said, it appears that you are. and i agree with your counselor about not telling your W about this. Thankyou, you get it!!!!!!!!! I would like support on getting over this disasterous thing, and no matter what I'm not going to tell my wife about this. LB, Well I courted her at college. I married her after two years of being with her. She has some issues, she is immature, not overly sexual. What would she change about me? She would change my moodiness. I have a lot of moodiness. I'm up and then I'm down, up and then down. I'm not overly affectionate, but I do try. I have had a lot of issues stemming from childhood. Both parents were alcoholics and they loved me but there were no boundaries. I was allowed to do what I wanted.
RecordProducer Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 Hi! It's good that you decided not to tell your wife about the OW. Especially now when she broke up with you. I am sorry that your heart is broken. I don't know what else to tell you except that I would like to learn from your example. Why aren't you in love with your wife anymore? Is it only because she is inhibited in sex or is there something more? Perhaps women should accept the fact that some men are not monogamous. You've had women during your marriage before too, right?
Author ConfusedMM Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Hi! It's good that you decided not to tell your wife about the OW. Especially now when she broke up with you. I am sorry that your heart is broken. I don't know what else to tell you except that I would like to learn from your example. Why aren't you in love with your wife anymore? Is it only because she is inhibited in sex or is there something more? Perhaps women should accept the fact that some men are not monogamous. You've had women during your marriage before too, right? Yes I have, but in my first marriage. Not this one. I began having an affair with someone I worked with in the first marriage, but I found out my wife was also having an affair before I began mine. I began mine on stupid terms, for revenge. I have never cheated on my now wife up until now. I can't explain it thoroughly for fear that I will get bashed here. I don't want to get bashed here. That happened enough in my very first post.
hotgurl Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 oh you just sounded like a couple I know the girl is about 22 raised in a strict religious household no sex until marriage blah blah and promptly got married at 18 moved to sc and got knocked up. She married he older youth pastor or counselor at the church. I always thought the marriage would go down in flames because the parents were so strict with her. She never went to college. went right from her parents house to her husbands and was very very sheltered. and had no sexual experience at all.
hotgurl Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 well, I just say take it day by day and do the best you can. But LB had some good points about some questions you can ask yourself abut your marriage maybe with your counselor. Maybe write in a journal about you feeling or poems. not too detailed just to get the feeling out, exercise, paint, start a hobby, meditate. Have you ever had depression? You mentioned moodiness. a counselor can help with that too. just figuring out want you need to do to get everything out in a healthy way is good. but also try to reconnect with your wife. I know it will be hard while grieving for your OW. it is like a death but eventually you will heal. Also thought counseling you can learn techniques to cope with stress and to communicate and have a better relationship and avoided other unhealthy ways of coping. Because you don't want affairs to become a habit. good luck
Owl Posted August 29, 2005 Posted August 29, 2005 My reason for suggesting that you tell your wife was INTENDED to help you to get over the OW. By re-building your relationship with your wife, you'll get over what you feel you've lost with OW. I know...I've seen it happen. Bluntly, I can see MANY reasons why you wouldn't tell your wife. Sure, the MC told you not to...but my money says that this MC does NOT specialize in the re-building of marriages that have suffered from infidelity. The REAL reasons for not telling your wife are likely fear that she'll leave you, fear of what will happen if everyone knew what you've done, guilt for having the affair, shame for not having been honest with your wife. Again, the odds of your marriage succeeding based on moving ahead WITHOUT telling your wife are minimal. Because you're NOT building a base of trust to start over with. Because you're NOT setting up a situation to make it difficult for you to get involved with someone like this again. I agree, there are many ways to do some things. But when it comes to building a relationship, there aren't that many. It all boils down to love, trust, respect, honor, honesty, caring, commitment. Choosing not to tell your wife the truth doesn't meet any of those criteria that I can see. I won't post again. I just thought I'd give one last shot at explaining my reasons for my advice in the vain attempt that it might make sense to someone. Regardless, I do hope things work out for you and your wife...I even hope that things work out well for the OW as well.
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