Feeling like Crap!

[ConfusedMM]

Hi Everyone,

 

If you read my thread that I originally posted, then you know my situation. I met my now exOW at the park yesterday. At first when I was driving to go and see her to have closure I was feeling good about it and elated that maybe my marriage and I have a fighting chance, but when she showed up, 15 minutes late, and she looked so beautiful, my heart sank.

 

I talked to her for what must have been complete hours. We talked about my situation and why she never got close to me. She said that when I lied to her and kept things from her, particularly about my wife being pregnant, that she just couldn't be with me in that capacity anymore. That she felt bad for my wife and that is why she didn't come out to see me or stop by my place of employment to see me. I can understand this, maybe I should have been more upfront with her. Anyhow my exOW told me that she thought I was a good person and that she thinks I should go to counseling. I told her that I was going to counseling. I have sought out therapy and am working on me now. I have chosen not tell my wife. My exOW was so indifferent to me and it really hurt me deep down.

 

I don't know what I'm trying to put here but the NC is really bugging me. It is putting me in such a bad, withdrawn, and depressive mood. Last night I sent her a text message, but she never responded and that is unlike her. Even if she is busy or her husband is home she normally responds, but I knew yesterday at the park that when I went to hug her goodbye, she pushed me away and that was a definite notion for me to move on. There is nothing wrong with my exOW, she is a good person. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling really crappy right now. I want to run to her even more and having NC with her is really getting me down. I'm busy at work and when I get home I am use to logging onto the computer and into yahoo and normally she is there, but now she is not. I'm sure she put me on block. I feel horrible. Has anyone else had this problem? It's a living hell!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its good that you are getting some counseling. Withdrawal is terrible, that's for sure. You find yourself wanting what you lost, and resenting what you have because its not what you lost. You'll see your fantasy and love you had with OW recede in the distance and the sadness from that will color your life and your marriage a pasty shade of passionless gray. Not saying that your marriage or wife falls into that category, but withdrawal can make you see things in very stark contrasts sometimes.

 

Your OW has given you the kindest cut. Love can cut two ways: the cut that hurts is also that cut that frees you. Hopefully you'll get to the point where you don't see it as your OW rejecting you, so much as she has freed you from what was ultimately a losing situation.

 

Just keep the lines of communication open with your counselor, and ask for his/her advice on whether or not bringing your W into this would be a good idea. Surely there are things your W could be working on herself, so that repairing this situation comes with positive changes for you both? If your W doesn't know (though I'm sure she knows something is up - BS's are very, very perceptive when it comes to even the slightest of changes), then how can she make the changes that would help her, and help keep you from filling whatever void it is you perceive with another OW down the road? Now that your A is over, and you still do not want to tell your W - would you consider marriage counseling with her anyway to address not the affair but things in general?

 

Are there changes you would like to see in your W? If you could snap your fingers and magically make it a perfect marriage with her, what would you have change/add/subtract in order to make it that way? Are the things that sent you to OW only within yourself?

 

Either way, its good you are getting some help to get you through this.

[ConfusedMM]

If I could snap my fingers, and please no bashing here ok, but if I could snap my fingers I'd make my wife a little trimmer, a little more sexually uninhibited, I'd be a little more closer to my wife. I've never been close to anyone like I was the OW. I think I got really close to her and opened myself up to her so much because I spent way more time with her than I did my wife, plus the OW never judged me for my sexual fantasies or wants. I downloaded a picture of some reptiles on two naked females, you couldn't even see anything on the girls either cause they were so covered up, I just thought it was a neat picture and my wife got very very very angry over it. She asked me what the hell did I think I was doing. I would make it to where I could share every single thing with my wife without feeling the hurt of judgement and rejection. I could do that with the OW and she always had an open mind and was really receptive to everything I said and what I liked. I would work on our communication as well. My wife's way of doing things is to turn a blind eye. She will hear me and say "Ok we'll work on that", but then days will go, weeks, months, and no change, no work no nothing.

 

I am currently trying to set up MC with the wife and myself through our church. I'm utterly feeling a sense of a lot of loss here. It doesn't feel good and as horrible as I hate to admit it, while I'm away from my wife, I cry a lot over this other woman. I miss her terribly and to feel that she isn't going to text me back, she isn't going to be there to chat to me, she isn't going to be there to hear anything from me anymore, it hurts. It hurts with a passion. My first instincts are to run and hide from everything and curl up in a ball and just lie there for days, but then my wife would know something was definitely up. So I do the best thing that I know how to do and that is to keep working and in my private quiet moments I cry. I get all the emotion out by myself. It is so hard. I don't see how people go through this. This is total devastation for me. It's taken it's toll on me very hard and I thought I could handle it but it's been a little more difficult for me than I ever imagined. I have thought about trying to remain friends with the exOW but she didn't want that. She said I need to give 100% to my marriage and to my child that is about to be born very soon. She is right, I understand her completely but I'm a mess. I feel as if I have just come crashing down without any drugs, you know I know what that feels like since I use to be a junkie, but still it doesn't feel good. I want to call her, text her, talk to her. I can't she has cut me off. She did tell me at the park that it had nothing to do with me as a person because she felt I was a good person, but it had everything to do with my needing to piece my marriage together and to stop me from obsessing about her so much. She said it wasn't healthy and that I should focus that obsession onto my wife and my soon to be child. I know she is right deep down, but it is still hurting me. How long does this last? I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep hurting like this.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like your W accepts and loves you only in the context of who she wants you to be, and expects you to be in this marriage. Your OW got to see who you are as a person. It is terrible to let go of someone who you perceive to accept you for who you are and go back to someone who will only accept you for who you are "supposed" to be. I can understand why you are feeling so torn up inside right now.

 

if I could snap my fingers I'd make my wife a little trimmer, a little more sexually uninhibited, I'd be a little more closer to my wife.

 

Seriously... I hope these are things you'll bring up in MC. You shouldn't be bashed for wanting an attractive partner that you are attracted to, and who is more on the same page you are sexually. And certainly, it would be a plus if you were more emotionally intimate with your W, too - imagine if the two of you could say that you were not only marriage partners and lovers, but that you are friends who accept and love each other, and who are willing to do some mutual compromising to keep things more open between you. You shouldn't be hiding who you are from each other - you should be sharing as easily and openly as you and OW did. Unfortunately, the set of expectations in your marriage preclude that. Hopefully some MC can help get around that and open things up between you two. If it turns out that you and she will never be on the same page in terms of what you want and need from each other and from this marriage, and things will never change in your mind or hers - then you will have a hard choice: stay in this state of flat acceptance, or leave the marriage.

 

No one can blame you for wanting those things. You are not selfish to want more out of your marriage and want more from your partner. Unfortunately, you are working against some very hard stone walls: your W can't be expected to be too 'trim' and 'fit' right now, being as she is pregnant and near to birth. Once the baby is born, things will probably become more distant between the two of you as she adjusts to motherhood and finds her balance between "mother" and "wife" and finds out for herself what is a "proper" measure of both. She'll be tired, emotionally overcharged and not too interested in your needing her to be more attractive, and focused primarily on this huge adjustment. No doubt you'll feel set adrift, and I can understand that. You'll be striking your own balance between "father" and "husband" and "lover". As you two find your footing as parents and adjust to those new parameters, you'll find that it is not easy to come back to and work on that bond you wish you had with her. Time, patience, effort - it won't be easy, and it won't come together overnight.

 

If you choose to keep the affair private, and not tell her then I understand that - but... think of those things you want to be different about your W, and see if those are things you can bring up and address in MC.

[lynnered]

She did tell me at the park that it had nothing to do with me as a person because she felt I was a good person, but it had everything to do with my needing to piece my marriage together and to stop me from obsessing about her so much. She said it wasn't healthy and that I should focus that obsession onto my wife and my soon to be child. I know she is right deep down, but it is still hurting me. How long does this last? I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep hurting like this.

i am sorry for ur pain ConfusedMM

ex OW was very right ,

she sounds like a very mature woman ,

i don't think there a set time but ,

i really love MM & whenever we did NC in about a month id feel like myself again,

as long as i didn't see or talk to him ,

i think she has the right idea NC mean NC ,

and if u keep in touch usually things start right back up,

keep posting ,

u can get some really good advice here , even just to vent ,some u might ignore ,listen to LucreziaBorgia she's the best on here!

and going to therapy u said u are ?

how is that going ?

i do wish ur heartache disappears quickly

[whichwayisup]

Your wife probably will lose that weight, but right now having that expectation that you wish she was trimmer is unrealistic. She's pregnant and actually it's healthier for the baby if she has that weight. During breast feeding she'll shed some pounds.

 

I know you're grieving and you're having a rough time. Get it out, cry, join a gym to work off that energy, DO talk to your therapist as much as you can. You need to change your way of thinking completely and that means stopping thoughts of OW. How you think about her, why you think about her. When enough NC has gone by only then you'll probably feel less and less towards OW. She's like that drug and the less she's available the less she'll be on your mind. You'll crave her less and less because your focus will just change. It has to.

 

LB has some great advice and words for you, I'm sure some others will offer up some as well.

 

Take this one day at a time and don't make any effort to find her online. Infact, DO not turn on your Yahoo IM when you're on the computer. More than likely she has blocked you and you "waiting and hoping" to talk to her isn't going to do any good. Just will make you feel worse and you're setting yourself up for another fall.

 

Focus on your wife. Your soontobe baby. That should be exciting!!! You're missing out on something very special because right now your focus is on OW. But I'm not saying anything you don't know already...I'm glad that you're aware of this though.

 

Keep posting here and check out no foolin's thread in the coping section : the long guided walk to doing no contact. It's a very long thread but has helped SO many people as there is alot of insight from many who have posted on that particular thread.

 

Don't beat yourself up and try to remember IT DID end on the best possible terms. She doesn't hate you, she respects you enough and cares about you enough to let you go, and allow the right thing to happen. If she hated you there would be a different outcome.

[ConfusedMM]

I know. She doesn't hate me at all and she was really mature about it. I couldn't even hug her though to tell her goodbye. She wouldn't even look at me in the eyes while talking and she was very understanding and friendly and she said I need to work on the marriage with my wife 100%. She also told me that if I left my wife, because there is a lot of work to be had between my wife and I, that I would have to do it on my own and not for anyone else because then that would set me up for failure. LB is right. I want to share everything with my wife that I do and think, but I can't. My wife is a very strict Catholic woman and she is not accepting of the things I like or that entice me. My wife won't even let me watch her masturbate. I think that is a normal thing for a man to want to watch. That may be too much information but honestly people, this just really gets me down.

 

I still haven't heard anything back from the OW and I guess this means she means business. I have to move on I know but what about the times that I will run into her? What do I do then? Cause I know all those feelings will come rushing back. I can't just turn them off.

 

About the baby, I am thoroughly excited about that. I have been from day one, though I do have the normal anxiety. Will we be able to be good parents? What if I divorce my wife, what are my rights to my own child? Etc etc etc. Not that I'm thinking about divorcing my wife at this time. Those are just some of the thoughts that have come through. I am deeply in love with this child that hasn't even been born yet. I am psyched about it. I did the entire nursery while my wife was at work and put a lot of effort, creativity, and time into it. I just miss "her".

[Owl]

Confused-

 

You ARE in withdrawl. It's a chemical addiction in your mind...it's just like stopping caffiene or chocolate or cigarettes.

 

But people DO quit these things all the time. And you will be AMAZED at how different you will feel in a few weeks...IF you stick to your NC agreement. Trust me on this...I really do know what I'm talking about.

 

What have you told your wife? In order to give your marriage a REAL chance, you're going to have to work on re-building that relationship with her. And that DOES mean being honest about what's been going on. Again, trust me on having a clue here my friend. You CANNOT re-build your marriage on a lie...and not telling her would do exactly that. She DESERVES the truth...even if it were to mean that she leaves you.

 

And telling her will help you establish that NC. Being accountable is HOW most people beat addictions.

 

I'm completely serious about this...give it a shot. You've made some mistakes...now it's time to take responsibility for them...that includes doing the work to fix them. And the FIRST step in that is admitting your mistake.

[whichwayisup]

Try to not think so far ahead...Easier said than done, I know! But seriously, by worrying about all the possible "what if's" is just going to make this harder to handle. If you run into the OW, deal with it IF it happens. Don't antisipate it. IF things don't work out with your wife further down the road, worry about it then. Getting worked up and putting unnecessary worry and negative thoughts in your mind will just freak you out.

 

When those thoughts creep into your mind, take control and push them out...Distract yourself, think about your baby! Think of all the wonderful love and feelings this baby will bring into your life. The first smile, the first laugh, the first time she/he grabs your finger...The stuff that WILL make your heart melt. That is what is important here and the more time that goes by the less focus your mind will be on the OW.

 

Hope this helps.

[ConfusedMM]

WWIU, LB, and Lynnered,

 

I can't thank you guys enough for being so supportive. I really appreciate it.

 

 

Owl,

 

You are giving good advice, but in my case I have chosen not to tell my wife about this. After what happened last year, our miscarriage and the devastation that it brought on, and what is about to happen, a live birth, I don't think my poor wife could handle it. It would devastate her to know. Hell it devastates her if she catches me masturbating which is why now I don't even masturbate if I know she is home. When she caught me she cried for days thinking she wasn't doing something right in the bedroom, even after I tried telling her that it was not her fault I did it, but that I like to do it and it gives me some relief from tension, it has nothing to do with her as a person. I tried and tried and tried to get that across to her, but she wasn't having it. If I look or appreciate another woman's beauty my wife will flip. I ran into a girl I went to highschool with about three months ago at a bookstore while my wife and I were shopping for the book "What to expect when you're expecting", and this girl and I never had a thing, she stopped me and we were chatting and I even introduced her to my wife, but my wife went off on me all the way home. I tried to reason with her, it didn't work, I tried to comfort her, it didn't work. I'm not saying my wife is a bad person, just the situation at home lacks a lot. I will not be telling my wife and that is the decision that I have come to and plan to keep. I asked my counselor about this today when I left a little while ago to meet with her and she said not to tell the wife anything as it could do more damage than good and with all the hormone changes my wife is about to go through that it is not good for the baby to have to suffer from the wife's depression. I love my wife, I plan to work on things with my wife, but I also miss the OW like crazy. I'm sure that given time the OW will just be a memory, and I'm willing to accept that she is moving on with her life, so I'll move on with mine. I'm just venting here and I intend to keep coming back to LS because it is the only outlet I have.

 

I do have another problem though. There's a guy that I work with, he is also my very best friend at work. He has a lot of problems at home as well and has been having an affair with someone at work. Well when I introduced him to my OW he started asking me questions about her and started remarking on how 'out of my league' the OW was and that he thought she was very very hot. I told my OW this and she calmly and rationally told me that she doesn't like the guy at all, that she thought he was a creep. Well today my friend came in and we began talking and he asked me why I was so down and I told him what happened and he was nice about it and told me that life moves on but in the same breath he said "Does this mean I have a shot at her now", I don't want him to have my exOW. That thought makes me so sick to my stomach. What do I do if he does try to go after her? I know of course that she wouldn't do anything with him, but still. It makes me sick to even think about it.

[whichwayisup]

You can't control what your OW does and your bestfriend. He's probably just joking around. Though tell him not to tell you anything if he does go out with her ...That is a big IF...You're worrying about something that hasn't happened yet and the jealously and feelings are being stirred up. Takes some time but with no contact those feelings have to and will fade.

 

The masterbation thing, that is something that is just for you. You don't have to tell your wife about it, it's private. She doesn't own that part of you and it's normal! Her upbringing and belief system is different than yours, so to her it's not right to do infront or with somebody else. Don't make it an issue, work around it. When you're making love to her, just concentrate on that part. The rest will hopefully fall into place and in time she'll feel more comfy about sharing her body in other ways, if you know what I mean by that...

[whichwayisup]

Here's that link by no foolin' from the Coping Section.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hell it devastates her if she catches me masturbating which is why now I don't even masturbate if I know she is home. When she caught me she cried for days thinking she wasn't doing something right in the bedroom, even after I tried telling her that it was not her fault I did it, but that I like to do it and it gives me some relief from tension, it has nothing to do with her as a person. I tried and tried and tried to get that across to her, but she wasn't having it. If I look or appreciate another woman's beauty my wife will flip.

 

This is DEFINITELY something to bring up in MC. It sounds like your W will be a lot happier in general in her life if she can work on her own insecurities, and better if you can do it together. I can fully understand why you would not want to tell her about your affair (at least not under the current conditions). You have your issues, she has hers - and nothing outside of a fully mutual commitment and willingness to work through BOTH your issues will save this marriage. At best, your marriage will be flatlining for the rest of your life, should you two stay together and not address BOTH your issues.

 

What do I do if he does try to go after her?

 

Not to be blunt here, but it isn't really something you are in a position to do anything about. If he goes for her, and she doesn't want any part of it, I have no doubt she'll tell him to f*ck off. I expect you are afraid that she won't say f*ck off and will end up with him. If she wants to be with him, that is something you are going to have to deal with. It would be best if you can distance yourself as much as possible from this situation while you are getting your own ducks in a row.

[TheDiva]

I am sorry you are hurting, but good for you for taking that first step.

 

 

 

First I must say, I am in complete agreement with Owl. If you wish to have a fighting chance at rebuilding your marriage your wife needs the complete truth. The timing may not be best right now, but then again the timing will

NEVER be right. I can't think of any instance where the timing has been good. But I know you have said that you will not tell her. I do hope you do change your mind. She may surprise you. If she is very religious chances are she may not personally believe in divorce. It will also alert her that there are serious issues that you both need to work on. Perhaps she doesn't understand exactly how serious your issues are for you. It takes a lot of talking to get some people to really see that there is a problem with their SO and an issue they thought was minor was really HUGE. Either way IC and MC will help. From your postings it sounds like the both of you have some big issues with communication with each other. I believe you could benefit greatly from telling her, (and no I don't mean now or around these major life changing events, I can understand not wanting to put more on her plate right at the moment) it may make things worse in the immediate future of your marriage, but then you will have her to fall back on when you feel weak and it will draw you closer to each other. Then when all is said and done there will not be a secret hanging in the air between you. A secret that could drive you mad. I will not put the sole blame on you. I am sure there are things she probably did that made you feel this option was acceptable. But I do wish you to have a completely honest and intimate relationship with your wife. Please think about it. OW said you need to put 100% into your marriage, you are not putting 100% into the marriage by keeping this secret. She deserves the chance to decide to make the choice to stay or go as well. IMO not telling her the complete truth on this matter is taking away her free will.

 

I must also point out that in a moment of weakness you told someone about the A. It might never happen, but people do talk, and it may get back to your wife. That would probably happen at the worst possible time. (Just because of Murphy's Law.) I already know that you will say he will never tell, and maybe you are right. But then again you never know! If he casually mentions it to someone, or gets mad and thinks to use it to get even. People can be really really mean sometimes. If you intend it to be secret, then leave it tied up in the closet so it doesn't escape and bite you in the butt.

 

It sounds, from your posts, that your wife is a very insecure woman naturally. Add to this a miscarriage, (I'm very sorry btw) and another pregnancy. Believe me pregnancy can make all those little insecurities that are already there stand out in a larger-than-life way. Most of the problems with your wife that you have mentioned have happened during pregnancy. While they don't make any sense to you, they really don't to her either, hormones are awful things. Pregnant women can do crazy things. I remember being pregnant with my second child and being seriously depressed and I sadly treated my husband like Cr@p. I told him at least weekly that I "hated him" Luckily for me, he knew that it really had nothing to do with him and that I didn't hate him really. I just had a lot of pent up anger and depression along with the pregnancy hormones etc., and his response was always "I Love you" He's such a wonderful guy

 

Anyway, the OW was open and receptive to your fantasies and all that, well that is understandable. She is in an "open marriage" so she is most likely very sexually inclined. She is probably confident of her sexual prowess and and can easily explore her inner desires. But seems you married the opposite. It sounds like her religion may be one reason she isn't that open sexually. Kind of like the (way ) old fashioned thought that the woman should be a receiver of clumsy advances, succumb to her husband, and be grateful when its over. It is not to be an enjoyable experience. Ok admittedly that may be a bit overboard but what I am getting at is maybe she has never been given the encouragement she needs in the bedroom to be secure with her sexuality, and explore her inner desires. She may also think you wouldn't be very accepting of her fantasies and wants either. Women normally have fantasies too but quite a few aren't very inclined to share them!

 

 

Try to keep busy. Being miserable is no fun at all and I understand it will take time, but focus all your energy on your growing family. The little person you created with your wife will help your focus I hope.

 

I do have another problem though. There's a guy that I work with, he is also my very best friend at work. He has a lot of problems at home as well and has been having an affair with someone at work. Well when I introduced him to my OW he started asking me questions about her and started remarking on how 'out of my league' the OW was and that he thought she was very very hot. I told my OW this and she calmly and rationally told me that she doesn't like the guy at all, that she thought he was a creep. Well today my friend came in and we began talking and he asked me why I was so down and I told him what happened and he was nice about it and told me that life moves on but in the same breath he said "Does this mean I have a shot at her now", I don't want him to have my exOW. That thought makes me so sick to my stomach. What do I do if he does try to go after her? I know of course that she wouldn't do anything with him, but still. It makes me sick to even think about it

 

 

 

I know you don't want to hear this but OW is now, with NC in place, none of your business. She said she thinks he's a creep so she probably wouldn't let him lick the soles of her high heels. She is probably "out of his league" as well. Neener Neener to him. Since you know she wouldn't do anything with him, you need to try not thinking about it at all.

 

As for wanting the wife to be more fit, one idea that kills 2 birds with one stone, is maybe go for a walk with her holding hands and making plans for the future. There you have some bonding time (because after baby it's hard to get a moment alone) and walking is wonderful exercise especially in pregnancy. Added bonus it helps with delivery and recovery! Focus on the two of you as one unit in that time.

 

 

Good Luck and stay strong

 

I just saw LB's post wow she said it so much better than I did!

[whichwayisup]

I agree with what you said about the 'weak' moment and he blurted out what he did, but that wasn't just a weak moment, that was abit of ego and jealously reaction because of what his bestfriend said about her and him being out of his league. It pissed him off and struck a cord so it popped on out.

[ConfusedMM]

I didn't go up to her, I hid. I'm a chicken and I don't want to be rejected by her in person. That would hurt worse, but what I did see and what I heard was great. Shawn, he is the manager of a photolab in our store and my best friend. She was picking up her pictures that she dropped off a week ago. He gave her the pictures and then casually started trying to talk to her, my exOW was polite and civil, then he said "I heard what happened between you and (my name here), so that means you're free to see me now" and he smiled at her like a cheshire cat. My exOW said to him "You're really sadly mistaken if you think I'm going to date or even see someone like you, first of all you have a wife too and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like what you're doing, plus the fact you have a girl here at the store that you're already messing around with, another one that you're just using, and you're asking me out? Hah (she laughed). I wouldn't touch you with a borrowed pussy." I have to say that made me feel a whole lot better, but what doesn't make me feel better is he knows all about this and yet he still attempted to date her. So now I'm contemplating on whether or not he really is a friend.

 

Diva and LB,

 

I am so grateful for your support. Diva I have to address something with you. My wife wasn't slim when I met her. I mean she wasn't fat but she wasn't stick thin. I don't like them stick thin, although the exOW is tiny, but still you get the picture. My wife is about 5'5 and she is now weighing about 200+, whereas before she only weighed about 150. I have tried to get her to go for walks and she refuses. She says she is miserable, and I understand this. It can't be comfortable to be dragging around an extra person in your tummy. So I don't pressure her. We did find out though if she breast feeds she can lost a lot of pounds. I just want her trimmer, not stick thin, just trimmer. I'm not shallow, we are all attracted to different things and I'm just not attracted to someone that has a lot of weight on them.

 

As for the exOW I watched her from afar. I never approached her, but I watched her as she shopped because from where I sit you can see everything, though she never sought me out and never looked around to see if I was sitting up there. So there is no doubt in my mind that she has moved on and means business. Now I guess it is time for me to move on and get on with my marriage.

[Owl]

Just want to point something out to you...

 

 

EVERY post I've seen from you is about exOW...

 

EVERY SINGLE ONE.

 

 

I haven't seen a SINGLE post talking about WHAT you're going to do to FIX YOUR MARRIAGE.

 

If you don't take DRASTIC measures to end the affair and to re-focus your efforts, you're going to find yourself without either of them.

 

Your call.

 

Consider taking a look at the marriagebuilders website, and posting for advice there. You're likely to get roasted, but hopefully some of the people there (and the stories from the betrayed spouses, and FORMER Wayward ones) will help you to open your eyes and start taking the measures you need to.

 

Look...you've made your decision. Now stick to it and make it happen. Time to develop a game plan for doing so.

[ConfusedMM]

What? I"ve talked a lot about my marriage and my wife. I talk about the exOW because well you don't just get over someone just like that! That is not how it works.

[newbby]

some people think theres only one way to mend a marriage. dont worry about it.

i think lb gave you some great and compassionate advice.

i hope the marriage counselling works out, i know it really helps alot of people.

[ConfusedMM]

Originally posted by newbby

some people think theres only one way to mend a marriage. dont worry about it.

i think lb gave you some great and compassionate advice.

i hope the marriage counselling works out, i know it really helps alot of people.

 

 

Thanks Newby! I think I'm doing the right thing. I'm seeking therapy. I'm getting encouragement here, and right now as I'm typing this I'm sitting across from my wife as she sleeps. She is worn completely out. It is hot here and well she is very pregnant. I'm going to cook dinner now for her as we speak. Thanks everyone. I'll keep you updated.

[Owl]

My apologies. I won't waste your time any longer with my one-sided posts.

[whichwayisup]

Confused, from where I sit, Owl is trying to help you...Maybe you're not ready to hear his kind of advice, I don't know. He won't sugar coat anything and he'll call out bullcrap when it needs to be called out.

 

Yes, you're venting about OW here, that's fine, get it out...But I have to agree with Owl now...You're aware of what is going on, the OW isn't into you and she's more or less told you it's over and go home to your wife. With that in mind, you're about to be a father. Time to work through the pain of losing the OW, and put ALL your energy into your pregnant wife and marriage. That is your priority now...Not if you run into OW or if she ends up going out with your bestfriend...Or if she sees anybody else.

 

I think Owl said some things that you needed to hear...Maybe when you're feeling in a different frame of mind what he said will sink in more. I hope so.

[hotgurl]

confused,

owl has some really good advice as he is a bs and knows what it takes to fix a marriage I would listen to him. You really need to focus 100% on your wife.

 

also have you ever had an affair before this?

 

I am surprised nobody else noticed that the affair started while you wife was pregnant this is not uncommon and really sometimes has nothing to do with he marriage but with the father escaping the responsibilities. Even when the child is planned the stress and increased responsibility can lead a man to partake in risky behavior to gain a sense of freedom.

 

Do some research and mention it to you therapist.

 

As far as the weight issue I really have to say you are going to have to be paint ant it is recommended to gain 25-30 lbs she gained more which is not uncommon but she is very pregnant and has a child inside her and will be very exhausted and the weight won't go puff away.

 

I was pregnant my ex did nothing to help I worked went to school took care of our daughter had no time to go to the gym to lose the weight I was exhausted and He told me he was turned off by my weight gain. I was only 20 lbs over weight.

 

So you have to help and when you think you are helping do more.

 

Yo never once mentioned how your wife feels about the marriage. Is she happy?

[ConfusedMM]

My wife is happy in our marriage. She gets what she needs and wants. I do pay her attention and I cook for her all the time. She works a lot and well she is very pregnant and I don't want her to have to stand in the kitchen and cook for me, so I do it for her. As well I do all the housework. I'm really anal about being clean, that has caused a lot of fights between my wife and I. You see she is 22, I'm 35. I want a clean house and I can't stand that she doesn't understand that as much as I try to explain it to her. Although her being pregnant she has gotten a little better about cleaning.

 

I have heard Owl loud and clear, but I am still not going to tell my wife. My MC said not to and I'm going to go with my MC on this. I am still struggling with thinking about my OW. It is hard, you can not just turn it off just like that. It doesn't work that way. I wish I could, but I can't.

[whichwayisup]

My wife is happy in our marriage. She gets what she needs and wants. I do pay her attention and I cook for her all the time. She works a lot and well she is very pregnant and I don't want her to have to stand in the kitchen and cook for me, so I do it for her. As well I do all the housework. I'm really anal about being clean, that has caused a lot of fights between my wife and I. You see she is 22, I'm 35. I want a clean house and I can't stand that she doesn't understand that as much as I try to explain it to her. Although her being pregnant she has gotten a little better about cleaning.

 

Ok this is your issue then. You said you're anal about cleaning...Well you can't expect somebody else to keep the house to your liking. If you want a perfect clean house a certain way - hire a cleaning lady. It's not worth fighting about as I'm sure no matter how clean your wife makes the house look it's not good enough for you.

 

Her being so far along with her pregnancy she shouldn't be inhaling solvents and bending over either. I know you said you're doing it now but let me tell you something...Kids are MESSY!! So at some point in time you will have to lower your standards to having a very clean house. It just won't work! This isn't a shot at you, so don't take offense to what I'm saying ... It's just that I know so many people who have had to change their ways when the baby comes...And that includes a sparkling house! Get used to some clutter and things out of order.

 

Your wife is young and you've had more life experience than her. I understand why some issues are there. She will grow and together you both will grow.

 

I have heard Owl loud and clear, but I am still not going to tell my wife. My MC said not to and I'm going to go with my MC on this. I am still struggling with thinking about my OW. It is hard, you can not just turn it off just like that. It doesn't work that way. I wish I could, but I can't.

 

Yes, I'm sure it's very hard on you...But that was a choice you made by getting involved with OW. The consquences of your actions you have to deal with, even if you don't tell your wife.

 

I know you can't just turn it off, you have to grieve...But focussing on it 24/7 isn't going to help you! The less you think of her and TRY to put her out of your head, the easier this will be on you. You have to change your way of thinking! DO not think of her in a sexual way. Do not go there in your mind and think what could have been. The focus now has to be on your wife and your soon to be child. The OW has no place in your life anymore. Hurts, yes! But it is healthier for you to think this way.