ohso Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I've been dating a guy for a while and everything was perfect for me. Then I noticed he's acting weird and asked him about it. He avoided having a talk with me for as long as he could. I disliked passive aggression and he finally said he's not getting enough sex. We see each other only 4 times a month at most due to living far away from each other. That's how many times we have sex obviously also. But sometimes I just like to spend time with him watching tv and chill. So that's where he snapped. He thinks he's not attractive and we're not close if we don't have sex. No matter how many times I say to him it isn't so, he doesn't believe me. He has a much higher sex drive than me, although he's older. I feel very pressured when he initiates sex all the time or throws tantrums. So I broke up with him. We love each other, so I do dwell on my decision. Is there something we can do to have a healthy relationship?
Lorenza Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Sexual compatibility is very important. You feel pressured to have sex and he feels frustrated and unattractive. That won't work long term. I was in exact same situation, couldn't even relax and watch movies without him initiating. I thought it will reduce with time, but it didn't. I hate it when people say "you should be happy he wants you" - how can you be happy doing something you don't want to do just to keep your partner satisfied? Mismatched sex drives resulted in complete loss of libido in my case. I lost interest in sex and it's not coming back even though it's been a while since that relationship ended. So don't compromise on that (and neither should he). You need to feel comfortable with your partner otherwise you two will start building up resentment. 1
justwhoiam Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 He has needs that are not met by you. It has not to do with the distance. You're fine with scarse intimacy. He's not. It's what makes his day. Many people are like him. I myself enjoy being intimate with the one I'm in love with and can't get enough of it, so to speak. Such relationship would make one of you unhappy. 4
Author ohso Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 Mismatched sex drives resulted in complete loss of libido in my case. Thanks for sharing. That's happening to me now. I thought everything was perfect between us. But since he showed me his frustration, it turned me off somehow. I was attracted to him, but now I see how unhappy he is so I broke up. Also I can't stand anyone demanding from me more than I can give. Sad, because there is love, so I wonder are there really no solutions?
Sara1989 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Eurgh a man throwing a tantrum over not having sex? what a turn off, I would broke up with him as well. 3
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 (edited) I've been dating a guy for a while and everything was perfect for me. Then I noticed he's acting weird and asked him about it. He avoided having a talk with me for as long as he could. I disliked passive aggression and he finally said he's not getting enough sex. We see each other only 4 times a month at most due to living far away from each other. That's how many times we have sex obviously also. But sometimes I just like to spend time with him watching tv and chill. So that's where he snapped. He thinks he's not attractive and we're not close if we don't have sex. No matter how many times I say to him it isn't so, he doesn't believe me. He has a much higher sex drive than me, although he's older. I feel very pressured when he initiates sex all the time or throws tantrums. So I broke up with him. We love each other, so I do dwell on my decision. Is there something we can do to have a healthy relationship? This was the best thing you could ever do! He is emotionally immature despite his age. You dodged a bullet for sure....you go girl! TBH the only solution is for you to move closer so you could see each other everyday. IMO instead of acting like a total jerk, he could have broke up with you because of the distance wasn't working for him. That is what a mature man would do......like I said you dodged a bullet...he's a selfish jerk. Edited January 28, 2018 by smackie9 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Eurgh a man throwing a tantrum over not having sex? what a turn off, I would broke up with him as well. Huge turnoff. I was married to this man. One morning I was cursed out very loudly before 7AM for saying no when we'd just had sex the night before. And our children were little, awake, and needing to be fed. Anyway, this man needs to find someone in closer proximity to his home who will be available for sex more often. And you need to find someone who is kind and emotionally intelligent! 3
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 OP I totally get where you were coming from. This relationship was turning into a booty call. You wanted more out of the relationship than meeting for sex. You wanted to do things together, going out on dates and enjoy each other's company. He was just making up for lost time and wanted to slam. So I don't think it is "sexual" incompatibility...it's just expectations not being fulfilled on both sides. The relationship was out of balance and weakened. Still no excuse for him acting like a jackass.
kaitlynlily6 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Sexual incompatibility can be a big issue. Where one partner can't be satisfied a problem can always arise and this has nothing to do with distance. You two definitely have different sex drives. If you love each other, sit down and talk things out, try some more. If it won't work and most of the time it doesn't, then think again if your willing to stay in a relationship where your partner has to throw tantrums all the time and you have to do what you don't want to do. 1
BluesPower Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 How many woman, and men for that matter, complain about their Husband/wife not wanting to have sex with them. Or his drive is not high enough. OK, so I guess you are the opposite from these women. And that is fine. I disagree with you about several things. Number one, that you "Love" him. I have never, ever been with a woman that actually loved me that did not want to have sex every spare moment that we had together. Not one, and there have been many. In fact, I have had many women that were not in love with me that wanted to have sex constantly. So either you don't really love him, or your guys are just not having proper sex. I guess that the other option is that you are kind of a low sex drive girl, and that is fine for you. Just do not date a high sex drive guy. Their is nothing wrong with him wanting sex in a relationship, maybe he is young and does not understand how to communicate very well. But then how many men in general understand how to communicate. But you may want to rethink your position in the long run, or you may be one of these women that get on the forums complaining that their SO does not want to make love to them.... 1
MJJean Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I hate it when people say "you should be happy he wants you" - how can you be happy doing something you don't want to do just to keep your partner satisfied? The way I see it, if having frequent sex is something you don't want to do, you're with the wrong person. I can't even imagine dating someone I'm into, seeing him about 4x a month, and NOT jumping on him the second we're alone. I figure the male refractory period exists so we can eat and watch a movie. 4
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Maybe he sucks in bed and the OP doesn't have the heart to tell him....or he is so so and not something to look forward to. Some women need their brains stimulated to get stimulated down there...he ain't bothering with the dance and just wants to get to the finish asap.
central Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Mismatched sex drives is one of the top red flag issues, and is always (IMO) a good reason to end a relationship. His handling of it is also a red flag - and there are probably others, too. One red flag is sufficient to call it quits. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I have never, ever been with a woman that actually loved me that did not want to have sex every spare moment that we had together. Not one, and there have been many. In fact, I have had many women that were not in love with me that wanted to have sex constantly. So either you don't really love him, or your guys are just not having proper sex. I could not possibly disagree with this more strongly. 4
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I have never, ever been with a woman that actually loved me that did not want to have sex every spare moment that we had together. Not one, and there have been many. I am crazy about my boyfriend and I'd be annoyed if he wanted to have sex at every spare moment of the day. There are other things for us to bond over than sex. As OP explains seems they could not even sit down for a movie he wanted to go at it. At some point a woman wants to give it a rest and just receive tenderness and affection. OP: You did the right thing. 4
Lorenza Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I have never, ever been with a woman that actually loved me that did not want to have sex every spare moment that we had together. Ouch. Sounds painful. And boring. Aren't there other interesting things to do with a loved one? 4
Els Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I don't even think this is necessarily about mismatched sex drives. If he literally cannot do ANYthing other than sex with you when you meet up without throwing a tantrum, it sounds to me like there isn't really any "relationship" in this "relationship". People who love each other love having sex with each other, yes, but they love doing lots of other things with each other as well. If that isn't the case, they are merely FWBs. The passive-aggressiveness sounds very concerning, as well. You definitely did the right thing. 2
BluesPower Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 The way I see it, if having frequent sex is something you don't want to do, you're with the wrong person. I can't even imagine dating someone I'm into, seeing him about 4x a month, and NOT jumping on him the second we're alone. I figure the male refractory period exists so we can eat and watch a movie. Yes, thank you... Glad to hear a woman speak up about this. And yes, between sessions, we cuddle, or I make dinner, or we go out to eat, and cuddle some more, and start up again at some point. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe I am old fashioned.
Summer08 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Yes, thank you... Glad to hear a woman speak up about this. And yes, between sessions, we cuddle, or I make dinner, or we go out to eat, and cuddle some more, and start up again at some point. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe I am old fashioned. No you're no old fashion but I read your other post and it seems your sex drive is higher than most. You probably connect with women who have very high sex drives as well. Plus, sex for men is different than it is for women.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Yes, thank you... Glad to hear a woman speak up about this. And yes, between sessions, we cuddle, or I make dinner, or we go out to eat, and cuddle some more, and start up again at some point. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe I am old fashioned. When do you clean the toilets? Wash the sheets? Pay the bills? Buy groceries? 1
Summer08 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I don't even think this is necessarily about mismatched sex drives. If he literally cannot do ANYthing other than sex with you when you meet up without throwing a tantrum, it sounds to me like there isn't really any "relationship" in this "relationship". People who love each other love having sex with each other, yes, but they love doing lots of other things with each other as well. If that isn't the case, they are merely FWBs. The passive-aggressiveness sounds very concerning, as well. You definitely did the right thing. It also sounds very controlling and sort of abusive.
BluesPower Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 When do you clean the toilets? Wash the sheets? Pay the bills? Buy groceries? As time permits... She hates cleaning toilets, so I do that at her place and mine. And, usually we shop together, which is always fun. I prefer to do most of the cooking when we are together, and she enjoys that. But she is a good cook as well...
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 As time permits... She hates cleaning toilets, so I do that at her place and mine. And, usually we shop together, which is always fun. I prefer to do most of the cooking when we are together, and she enjoys that. But she is a good cook as well... If you think people don't truly love each other if they are not in a constant state of wanting to have sex with each other, do you believe that only people with high sex drives are capable of love? 2
MJJean Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I am crazy about my boyfriend and I'd be annoyed if he wanted to have sex at every spare moment of the day. There are other things for us to bond over than sex. As OP explains seems they could not even sit down for a movie he wanted to go at it. At some point a woman wants to give it a rest and just receive tenderness and affection. OP: You did the right thing. Ouch. Sounds painful. And boring. Aren't there other interesting things to do with a loved one? They see each other about 4 times a MONTH. The rest of the time I assume they're on texting, emailing, video chatting, an/or talking on the phone. Plenty of time for bonding there. What they can't do at a distance is have actual sex. So, of course he wants to have as much sex as possible in the very, very, limited time they're in each other's presence. Yes, thank you... Glad to hear a woman speak up about this. And yes, between sessions, we cuddle, or I make dinner, or we go out to eat, and cuddle some more, and start up again at some point. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe I am old fashioned. You and me both! DH and I dragged each other off to dark corners every chance we got. For the first two years, I think we only made it entirely through a movie at theatres or if there were friends/family around. If we were alone, well... If DH wouldn't have wanted to have sex at every opportunity, I'd have been questioning his interest and/or our compatibility. 2
Els Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 They see each other about 4 times a MONTH. The rest of the time I assume they're on texting, emailing, video chatting, an/or talking on the phone. Plenty of time for bonding there. What they can't do at a distance is have actual sex. So, of course he wants to have as much sex as possible in the very, very, limited time they're in each other's presence. But there are lots of other things that a couple can't do over a long distance as well. You can't go out on dates together or share a dinner. You can't go to the museum or the park or the beach. You can't cuddle or hold each other or just snuggle together on the couch while watching a show. The SO and I were long distance for a couple of years, and while we did have a good amount of sex when we met up, we also did all those other things, and they were invaluable to our relationship as well. If ALL he ever wanted to do during visits was have sex, I would have questioned whether he just wanted a lay or an actual girlfriend. 5
Recommended Posts