Really ...

[Sjguy43]

I was with my ex for 10 months , it was **** near perfect , the stuff you write fairie tales about . She did have some issues , her last relationship was 25yrs and slowly ended over 5yrs prior due to his drug addiction( totally ended 2 years b4 we met and he now lives on other side of country) so she did carry some issues on commitment and trust .

 

I’m her second boyfriend at 41. . She was terrified to b blunt . I was patient , understanding and didn’t pressure her. Just took a go with the flow approach . We did everything together and turned the most insignificant times into fun. Her plate piled up with stressful job, legal battle with the ex and teenage daughter issues and she ended the relationship a week ago.

 

She says she wants to be friends and get her head on straight, says she still hurts and can’t open her heart fully . She does know she loves me but wants no previous baggage. I declined at first to friends but she did the old “found stuff of yours text on Monday and now we r texting and keeping regular contact pretty much like when together.

 

She’s stated she was open to coffee and misses me / says this is hell for her . She’s stated a few times she’s open to lunch ( like we’ve done many times ) but I’m not sure best thing to do or if even keeping contact is ok for me ? Iv kept contact to a min and let her initiate , tbh she acts normal like she did b4 in texts even though she says she misses me but can’t be in a relationship ?

 

I don’t want to be just an emotional crutch( friend zoned) and bottom line is she did dump me , making a decision that affects both of us without my input. Iv been friend zoned b4 by an ex I was with 11 yrs and she was just waiting to lock down new guy ..

 

this one seems so different though, like she’s sincere and honest. It’s really hard on the head and I’m not sure how to proceed .. Any help greatly appreciated .

Edited January 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, use them please

[Young mind]

You explicitly stated it, you're on the path to being an emotional crutch, she's only saying or doing these things to make it easier for you, at 41 I'm sure she knows how to act during a breakup to make it easier for you, you might not expect things like Facebook games like the younger ones, but surely you're on that path.

Try to accept her feelings for you have changed and there is little you can do about that, I believe in one last try to fix things, if nothing positive comes out of that, you must try to move on with your life, she's got enough on her plate so you have to give her time to figure out that on her own.No ' I will be there for you', else this is the path we are talking about

[Sjguy43]

Normaly, id agree with you fully but I only partly agree .. she wanted to be friends , I declined and told her not for a long time if ever , that she can’t gave her cake and eat it too basically , she was really upset and sent a string of texts so I explained to her it wasn’t healthy for me in moving on . She then explained why she ended it ( reasons I gave in original post) because at first she never really gave a reason .. a couple days later I fe the “I found a couple things of yours I can drop them off or we can meet ? “ text . During the week we’ve been keeping it lc but she has initiated some deeper chats about hethe issues and how she feels and misses me . I honestly think she’s overloaded , partly thinks I don’t deserve the mess ( she talked about that a few times when together ) she’s told me she has to learn to live in the now , and that for the 2 years after her breakup she was in crisis mode and didn’t really deal with her feelings and then met me which was totally unplanned . She wants to be able to give her heart fully free of baggage ( her exact words) . Keep in mind even though she’s 41 it’s only her second breakup and the first ended over 5years and due to her ex’s drug addiction . She’s learning stuff most of us learned in our 20s .. plus she’s an independent “country girl” that has no support system and comes from a bad childhood . On top of all that she’s a beautiful woman with a hundred amazing qualities iv never seen all in one woman b4.. I used to tell her that and she would say it put pressure on her , she def suffers from low self esteem .. yeah she’s a mess but if she can get through the mess .... anyway my problem is it’s really hard on me and I know what I want, I’v dealt with my baggage from previous and am ready .. we are in different places . I want to be around for her because honestly I think she needs that to know good things do happen and there are good relationships she deserves but at same time , I’m not sure if “tough love” is the answer either ...

[Sjguy43]

I’m sorry if I’m rambling , 2 things I’m sure of is it’s not your average dumped and let’s be friends situation and I want no regrets .

[Been]

I'm sorry your going through this and I know how difficult it is.

But here's the thing and you yourself said it: you can't have your cake and eat it to.

You can't have the benefits that she wishes to have: not dating you but yet somehow your still part of her life especially when she knows yo have feelings towards her.

Part of healing is getting on with your life even though you miss and want her really bad. Waiting for someone to make up their mind only makes it more painful and also makes YOU put your life on hold grasping and hoping for something that might not ever comeback.

It isn't tough love- its reality. Its showing her that this is your life without me and YOU alone chose this. That SHE chooses to not be in your life.

You have to erase the notion that you are ARE NOT an option to her and by "waiting" you are doing the opposite and showing her that her behaviour is OK when it isn't.

I don't really care what she went through- at the end of the day she will be judged upon her actions and not what she says.

And if she wants to be with me then she needs to make a decision and not hide behind the past because when you first dated that seemed not to be a problem.

Bottom line? She finds a way to deal with her past while she's with you or you remove her from your life. DO NOT WAIT.

[SevenCity]

You were demoted from boyfriend to the same status with no sex.

 

I would not be ok with it at all.

 

The last girl who left (it was just a matter of time) I told her we can't be friends but if she ever wants to F give me a call.

 

If it were a woman I had feelings for there would be no offer at all other than call me if you change your mind.

[Young mind]

Yeah like most guys, we are in denial that it's over, we want to believe that the ex is just being stupid and can't make up their minds, you would like to guide her to run back into your arms but if you take a step back you will realize all she says are soothing words for your pain, and when she finds someone else, don't be surprised when all the problems she tells you she dealing with now disappears!.

There is no typical or atypical let's break up and be friends situation, it is what it is, that line has been used 1 million times and the person using that line probably does use because it is popular line during the breakup, you can never be friends, at least not so soon

[Sjguy43]

First off , thank you for the replies you helped me organize my thought , it really helped and was exactly what I needed .. what was holding me back from making that decision is dedication , sometimes but rarely it’s needed I think .. but in those cases it’s only when you’re going through things together , unfortunately that line was blurred to me b4 reading your replies .. since we have been keeping contact what do you think is an exit strategy ? One last try and tell her how I feel and where she stands then walk ? Just stop replying ? Fade away ? Keep it short if replying or don’t reply at all ?

Edited January 29, 2018 by Sjguy43

[Marc878]

I was with my ex for 10 months , it was **** near perfect , the stuff you write fairie tales about . She did have some issues , her last relationship was 25yrs and slowly ended over 5yrs prior due to his drug addiction( totally ended 2 years b4 we met and he now lives on other side of country) so she did carry some issues on commitment and trust .

 

No it wasn't. At least for her. She ended it.

 

I’m her second boyfriend at 41. . She was terrified to b blunt . I was patient , understanding and didn’t pressure her. Just took a go with the flow approach . We did everything together and turned the most insignificant times into fun. Her plate piled up with stressful job, legal battle with the ex and teenage daughter issues and she ended the relationship a week ago.

 

She says she wants to be friends and get her head on straight, says she still hurts and can’t open her heart fully . She does know she loves me but wants no previous baggage. I declined at first to friends but she did the old “found stuff of yours text on Monday and now we r texting and keeping regular contact pretty much like when together.

 

She’s stated she was open to coffee and misses me / says this is hell for her . She’s stated a few times she’s open to lunch ( like we’ve done many times ) but I’m not sure best thing to do or if even keeping contact is ok for me ? Iv kept contact to a min and let her initiate , tbh she acts normal like she did b4 in texts even though she says she misses me but can’t be in a relationship ?

 

I don’t want to be just an emotional crutch( friend zoned) and bottom line is she did dump me , making a decision that affects both of us without my input. Iv been friend zoned b4 by an ex I was with 11 yrs and she was just waiting to lock down new guy ..

 

this one seems so different though, like she’s sincere and honest. It’s really hard on the head and I’m not sure how to proceed .. Any help greatly appreciated .

 

You are projecting your feelings onto her. She doesn't feel that way about you. You don't dump someone you have chemistry with.

 

No contact and move on like she has.

[Marc878]

First off , thank you for the replies you helped me organize my thought , it really helped and was exactly what I needed .. what was holding me back from making that decision is dedication , sometimes but rarely it’s needed I think .. but in those cases it’s only when you’re going through things together , unfortunately that line was blurred to me b4 reading your replies .. since we have been keeping contact what do you think is an exit strategy ? One last try and tell her how I feel and where she stands then walk ? Just stop replying ? Fade away ? Keep it short if replying or don’t reply at all ?

 

If you chase they always move farther away from you. Plus it lowers your status and they lose respect.

 

She's told you she doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

Believe her.

[Sjguy43]

I read back from through and realized I do sound like I’m making excuses for her , you’re right though all I can do for my sanity is go with the facts .. So no explanation just go no contact and don’t reply?

[dumbass2]

Tell her that you can't just be friends and therefore it is best that you two do not stay in contact any more, then you've said your peace and can go no contact. Like you've said, she can't have her cake and eat it. In a healthy, loving relationship, you stay together and work through any issues. You don't bail out. You have to do what is best for you. After I finally told my ex that, we did not contact each other again. I am in now in a much healthier relationship and it is night and day. I though my ex and I were a great match. Wrong.