sadboi Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Hey guys, My gf of ~6 months decided to break up with me about 3.5 weeks ago. It was long distance with me in MD and her in FL. She didn't really say why, but said that the relationship was too much to handle, and that she hadn't been able to focus on school over the months that we dated. Some background: Her parents are going through a pretty nasty divorce. She and her mom moved out of the house in early december, and she'd been extremely upset and emotional over her situation, especially after going to visit her father who was in terrible shape (he'd been drinking heavily for a week and was too weak to move). She'd always been very busy with her work, but over those few weeks she stopped talking to me pretty much altogether. I tried to respect her wishes for space, but I got worried and anxious about her and came off as extremely needy and overwhelming. When she broke things off, I went NC for about a week and then left her a voicemail saying how I had messed up by not respecting her wishes for space and that I had been blinded by my worry for her that I hadn't realized what I'd been doing. I also said that I'd like to stay friends, as she had told me when she broke up that she wanted to be friends. She thanked me for the voicemail and said that her feelings for me never left, that it just became too much for her to handle. I've been keeping NC with her, and in that time I realized how I had been clingy pretty much the whole relationship. I've always struggled with anxiety and depression, and I found I've attributed my clinginess to me being anxious that if I didn't talk to her or say sweet things to her all the time then she would stop caring for me. I think the distance made this worrying much worse, as I could only see her every few months. As a result of this, I distracted her from her schoolwork and from her friends. I've started going to therapy to deal with my anxiety and depression (the breakup launched me into a depressive episode (woohoo)) in order to learn to be happy with myself and not find all my happiness in other people. I also want to learn to manage my anxiety so that I don't ruin another relationship. Now, I've really been trying to forget about her and move on, but I can't help but remember how happy we both were. I know that in hindsight people tend to overlook the bad times, but to be honest there weren't any bad times. We both believed that we had found true love. I thought that she was struggling to forget too, as a mutual friend told me how he had said something about me and she had told him that she had broken up with me because it was too "emotionally exhausting" and that after he reminded her how happy she was with me she got extremely angry and basically told him to stop reminding her how happy she was and to f*** off. She also unfollowed my spam instagram (I post there a fair amount, and had just posted a particularly handsome picture of myself (lol)). I thought that that might've simply been because she didn't want to see my face, but I'm not sure. The next day, I accidentally liked one of the pictures on her spam instagram, and she blocked mine. I'm not sure what that means either. I thought that I had a pretty good idea of how she felt until that same friend told me how my name had come up again and she'd told him to stop talking to me because I'm "toxic" and how she never wanted to be friends with me again. Again, she ranted at him and then told him to f*** off. She also said that she has a new crush. After that, I noticed that she had deleted the pictures of us off of her instagram. This seems to me that she has a lot of emotion about me (love and hate seem to be two sides of the same coin) and doesn't know how to handle it. She seems to be looking for love in other places to make up for what she lost. That said, I'm not really sure how she feels. I've stopped talking to the mutual friend because it reminded me of her and made it harder to move on. By now I'm sure you can tell that I want her back. I don't want her back now, as I'm still trying to figure out my own happiness and wrestle with my anxiety and depression. I know I need to work on myself before I can have another relationship. She also needs to figure herself out. Even though she tells everyone that she's fine and that she's happy (That seems to be how she deals with sadness), she is still full of emotion (hate/anger/sadness/i don't know what) at me. I don't understand the anger, as we broke up on pretty good terms, but that's another mystery. She also needs her home situation to settle down. That said, in a month or two (whenever I feel I have made enough progress on myself) I'd like to try to contact her again. I thought about writing a letter explaining how I'm sorry for being so clingy and distracting and how I've been working on learning to be happy with myself and reduce my anxiety. I'd also say that I want her back as a friend, and then go from there. I also thought about trying to see her in person, as I might be in FL in a few months, but I'd much rather try to establish contact before a "hey can I see you in person" type thing. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm not sure how she feels about me at all, or why she is so angry. I really love her and I don't want to give up on our connection, but I don't know what state her feelings for me are in at this point. What do you guys suggest? Thanks for any help! P.s. Today is my birthday and she has not contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. Not sure if that means anything or not.
BluSpark Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Quite frankly OP, you need to forget about this girl. I don't mean to sound harsh but she has moved on. I know it hurts now and that is ok. But I think you should forget about contacting her again. She has made it clear she is not interested. The best thing you can do for yourself is work on yourself and meet other people.
CaliBabe Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I think that since she broke things off with you it would be best to allow her to come to you. By you reaching out in a month or two you are simply exhibiting the same behavior of being needy.
Young mind Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Firstly, you seem to be handling this well, trying to understand your emotions is the basic part, controlling them and making the best of yourself during this time is key. Acceptance is what you should aim to achieve during this first month, that it Is over and you now have your life to take care off. Listen mate, I never heard any girl say anything nice about their ex, esp in the first few months, you hear the phrase that the bad overrides the good things, that's what happens and only realize months later, I have been on that side, 3 mo after breakup, word got to me how my ex gf was bashing me, and it's devastating to say the least, try to cut off that constant information about her, tell your friends you do not wish to hear anything about her and move on. It's true that the biggest fear of NC is the fact that you will lose her forever, that is why you still want to write her after 1 month mark, cut it off mate, love her enough to let go. LIVE AND LETS ALL LIVE
Author sadboi Posted February 2, 2018 Author Posted February 2, 2018 Thank all of you guys for your advice. I'm trying to forget and move on, however it seems that this keeps chasing me. The mutual friend (that I stopped talking to) texted me to tell me how she had freaked out at him and is so angry that she won't even look at him anymore. He sent her screenshots of me telling him that I can't talk to him because it'll make things worse for me and it'll make her mad at him, and she replied by getting angry and saying I was guilt tripping him and trying to play him. When we broke up, she said she wanted to remain friends (I did not want to lol but she suggested that) and now she seems to really hate me. She's been calling me names behind my back and asking people about me instead of just talking to me directly. The people she asks keep telling her things that are either conjecture, or simply not true. I just feel really upset that she hates me and really upset that I don't understand her reasoning for it. I had thought that we'd ended on good terms.
SpecialJ Posted February 2, 2018 Posted February 2, 2018 She may not hate you. She may be really angry that her parents are divorcing and projecting that. I don't think there is anything you can do about this right now besides keep working on yourself. Hopefully, she has a support system helping her through both the breakup and divorce, and maybe she'll let you know one day if she finishes working through her anger. But please try to focus on yourself for now and not blame yourself if she's bashing you after a respectful breakup.
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