greymatter Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Another thread has me wondering something: Men, have you ever told a woman you were dating that you wanted to take it slow, and what was your reason? How did things play out? If you are a woman, and a guy has told you this, what reason did he give, and how did things go between you?
LilySun Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Honestly don't think I've had a man say this to me ever.. Lol. As a woman I have said it, and the men were usually fine with it and complied. I think if men say this it's likely because they are fresh out of divorce or long term relationship, or their last relationship was just a bad experience they want to make sure doesn't repeat itself. Women have those same reasons, mostly. For me it's only that I don't wanna rush things with someone I really like and want to know better. But sometimes it still doesn't work out and other times people meet, fall in love and get married in a flash and it actually does work. It's a precaution we feel right about, but it certainly doesn't guarantee success. The relationship might fail for reasons unrelated to the speed of progress. 2
Shining One Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I usually translate it as follows: When a Man says it: I'm not ready for an exclusive commitment anytime soon. When a Woman says it: I'm not ready for sex anytime soon. 12
BluSpark Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I usually translate it as follows: When a Man says it: I'm not ready for an exclusive commitment anytime soon. When a Woman says it: I'm not ready for sex anytime soon. ^This is exactly right. 3
SevenCity Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 ^This is exactly right. 100% exactly right . 3
Chilli Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 l said it because l'd just been through divorce 3
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I said this to a guy who pushed for exclusivity and even marriage before I even met him. As soon as we went on a 2nd date, he told me we needed to take it slow. He ended up doing some shady things, giving me excuses why we cannot date and just ghosted me. 1
CptInsano Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I've never said it, but I've taken things slow, usually because I was unsure about the woman I was seeing. It wasn't always the same reason, but I could see at least one big red flag. It didn't mean that I wasn't ready for a bit commitment soon in general, but I wasn't ready for a big commitment with her. 3
carhill Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Another thread has me wondering something: Men, have you ever told a woman you were dating that you wanted to take it slow, and what was your reason? How did things play out? Never told a woman that but, sure, did take dating slow, especially in the sex department. Results varied! Got dumped more than a few times for taking things too slow! Reason was I only did sex in an established relationship or marriage. Nothing casual. Evidently that was incompatible with numerous potential dating partners. That's life! 1
lana-banana Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Something like this just happened to a friend of mine. She's been seeing a guy for about 3 months and they have been in constant contact, nonstop sex, spending every weekend together, spent Christmas Eve and New Year's together alone, etc---but right at around three months he told her he was taking it slow, he wasn't ready to be boyfriend/girlfriend and couldn't promise their relationship would "develop" or anything like that. He's still spending tons of time with her and all, but she's very confused. I interpreted it as his trying to lower her expectations. In my experience, unless they tell you from the very beginning that they want to take things slow, what they mean is they don't want things to get more serious than they already are. 1
Lorenza Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 When a guy tells me he wants to take it slow or "start off as friends and see where it leads" I usually remind them that taking it slow and being friends doesn't involve sex that sends them packing almost instantly Ah, good thing I dont date anymore, no need to deal with all that cryptic bs 3
Popsicle Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 If a guy says this to me I’d be turned off. 3
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Something like this just happened to a friend of mine. She's been seeing a guy for about 3 months and they have been in constant contact, nonstop sex, spending every weekend together, spent Christmas Eve and New Year's together alone, etc---but right at around three months he told her he was taking it slow, he wasn't ready to be boyfriend/girlfriend and couldn't promise their relationship would "develop" or anything like that. He's still spending tons of time with her and all, but she's very confused. I interpreted it as his trying to lower her expectations. In my experience, unless they tell you from the very beginning that they want to take things slow, what they mean is they don't want things to get more serious than they already are. This. If you've seen each other enough, acted normal/display no glaring red flags, built decent rapport/connection, had sex, or any of that.. and they come out with the 'let's take things slow' it basically means they aren't wanting to get serious anytime soon and probably ever with you. Doesn't mean it cannot happen but I think the odds are low. If you've spent 3 months together regularly and they're not sold on you by then the odds of that happening are absymal. Less commonly you get "let's take it slow and see where it goes" from people who are super clingy and trying to throw you off their scent. And women who say "let's take it slow" because they aren't that attracted to you at that moment 3
ohso Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I've been told this many times. In all cases it meant the same as when the guy wanted it take it fast. He wasn't that into me. He wanted some casual sex and wanted to control the pace of relationship. Reasons for that may very. But in general it never meant anything romantic. 3
Lorenza Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I think that men who are truly ready for something serious and committed but don't want to rush, won't make this statement - they'll simply take it at a comfortable pace that will feel natural for both 7
justwhoiam Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 If you are a woman, and a guy has told you this, what reason did he give, and how did things go between you? Never happened to me. 1
mischalove Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I had this happen and it ended badly. He did it to me twice. I thought he was trying to build a serious relationship and therefore was taking it slowly because he liked me so much. The relationship never built. Anytime we would get close he would pull away. He was selfish, got everything he wanted and I was left hurt and emotionally neglected. My analysis of my situation is that he liked me and wanted me around but not enough to sacrifice anything. 1
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Never had it said to me neither. If it ever did happen I would politely say no this isn't what I'm looking for, and send him on his way. I'm an aggressive woman, I like an intense passionate fun exciting pace. It's just an expectation of mine simple as that. If he isn't on the same page, then that would mean we are not compatible. Boom he's gone. I haven't the time or patience to deal with some guy's emotional issues/ baggage.
salparadise Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I've never actually said that, but I was dating a woman a few years ago and didn't push for sex for the first month. She invited me to "stay over" and I declined the first couple of times. She thought it was odd that I wasn't jumping at the opportunity. She wondered if I wasn't attracted (disclosed later). I was attracted, but only recently out of a previous relationship. I wanted to build rapport and wasn't in a big hurry. I guess it was true that she wasn't triggering my horndog crazy. We dated 5-6 months. I thought the sex was okay. She seemed to think it was way better than okay... but she hadn't had much (if any) since her D and I'd dated several women, including one that was highly sexual, anything goes, the best ever. I find these gender dichotomies interesting. Women want and expect men to be highly desirous of them sexually, yet complain that we're only interested in one thing. However, if we don't push for it they assume there's something wrong with us or them, but push a little too much, or too soon... maybe when I grow up all of this will make more sense 2
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I guess it was true that she wasn't triggering my horndog crazy. So you werent really that physically attracted to her 1
Author greymatter Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 I usually translate it as follows: When a Man says it: I'm not ready for an exclusive commitment anytime soon. When a Woman says it: I'm not ready for sex anytime soon. I have to believe that there are additional meanings (or nuances to the above male perspective) but so far, that is not evidenced here except for Chili's post. I would guess there have to be men out there in the dating pool who want to take it slow, for various reasons other than being commitment avoidant. I also wonder if, for men, if wanting to take it slow means something different for men in the age range of say, 20-35 vs. 35-60. Same for women, I don't think it's all about sex. I think LilySun provided some good possibilities for why women express wanting to take it slow, not related to sex.
Ami1uwant Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Taking it slow is u iversal.....they usually are just starting to date after a long relationship ended and they are not looking for super serious right now.
Author greymatter Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 It occurs to me that in past relationships, I haven't ever taken things slowly. I have tended to jump right in without dedicating time to really get to know someone. I've typically dated briefly and jump right into relationships. So I wonder if there is something to the idea of really taking one's time and getting to know someone before diving in. I don't even know if I can really do that, because I develop feelings pretty quickly, or if I did take it slowly, what that even would look like.
salparadise Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 So you werent really that physically attracted to her Perhaps it wasn't over the top, but that's the case with most of the women I date. Attraction for me includes a combination of personality, intelligence, attitudes, mannerisms, speech, etc., –– the whole person. Not purely physical attributes. I am probably different in that regard than a lot of young pups who are all about T&A. I did find her attractive, but not in a gotta have it this minute kind of way. We get smarter after the testosterone peaks. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I've been told this many times. In all cases it meant the same as when the guy wanted it take it fast. He wasn't that into me. He wanted some casual sex and wanted to control the pace of relationship. Reasons for that may very. But in general it never meant anything romantic. Yep! I feel like they say this so you keep giving them what they want and you come back.
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