Marriage talk one day...breaking up the next. .

[Chilli]

I know men lie to get women into bed, but it is really normal to promise marriage, ask someone to move across country, tell her you want her to get pregnant, and look at homes together? In my twenty years of dating and/or marriage, that sort of thing has happened to me only one other time...ironically with a man from the same social group as NYBF (they hated each other).

 

I really hope that this isn't the case. I don't want to become a man hater.

 

 

Nope that'd be bloody ridiculous , a guy doesn't have to do all that bs just for a bit of fun.

 

But as for everything else , l dunno , after seeing more of the picture here he sounds like a damn mess with a lot of issues. There's some manchild goin on in there too.

 

And the after funeral thing was downright unbelievably selfish of him to btw so don't beat yourself up about that or blowing up his phone, we've probably all blown up a phone or two and you'd been through a lot.

 

Sorry you've put so much on the line for him.

[Lamartine]

Thank y'all for all of the excellent insight and for helping me slosh through a difficult weekend.

 

This has bee a crazy occurrence. I've had many break ups and a divorce over the years, but, for whatever reason, none of them ever hurt me as much as this did.

[winny]

I am sorry this happened and cannot imagine how hard all this must be on you. All I can say is that this guy is selfish and did not love you at all. And however much hard it may seem now, things will get better.

[lurker74]

Lamartine, you may not believe this now, but believe me, you are so lucky that he self-selected out. Your job - and it is going to be hard - is to not let him back in.

 

Back when you were in his 20s, he slept around so much that something that wouldn't normally bother you bothered you enough to end it. I'm guessing that was a lot of women. Which means he learned - incorrectly - that women were interchangeable commodities. No one unlearns that with time. They unlearn it through counter evidence, like falling madly and completely in love with a woman and having her break his heart, teaching him that there is something more.

 

He pursued you for so long that it is clear he never learned that lesson.

 

Then, he wooed you with time and attention and identified your weakness: a family and commitment. He offered that to you in a way that you could not reject, giving you to move mountains to be with him and gaining him the power that he learned - incorrectly - that he needed.

 

He then allowed and no doubt encouraged you to invest in the relationship when he did not. He visited you once and you paid for it. You cleaned and cooked. You did most things and in return he gave you attention and sex that you thought meant something more than just sex...you thought that because he learned - incorrectly - that being good in bed equals intimacy.

 

Then in the height of a painful moment, when any normal partner would be there for his love, he felt you were taking too much from him by being at your exes funeral and being tired and upset.

 

And then he moved on, proving that he still thinks of women as interchangeable commodities.

 

Lamartine - had you married him, he would have become abusive (emotionally clearly, maybe physically) because he learned - incorrectly - that someone needing him was taking from him.

 

It's hard to believe right now but you should get down on your needs and pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster for the break you received. He is not worth your thoughts, your body, your presence, or FSM forbid, your love.

 

BTW, in case it matters, I'm not a member of the sisterhood. I'm a man and as such, I've seen plenty of my brethren act in this lamentable manner.

[Lamartine]

Lamartine, you may not believe this now, but believe me, you are so lucky that he self-selected out. Your job - and it is going to be hard - is to not let him back in.

 

Woe, this is amazing. Thank you so much! I had wondered a little bit in the back of my mind whether he might become abusive despite being so charming and attentive in the beginning, and I dismissed those thoughts as being overly dramatic. It certainly helps to have a man identify that possibility and bring it to the forefront. I appreciate your help!

Edited September 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Maggie4]

He probably wouldn't have gone through with the marriage anyway. If it hadn't been for this, it would have been for that.

What Lurker said is interesting. Makes me think basically this guy is still womanizing. But as he (and the women) got older, his old tactics needed a revision. Now he needs to offer marriage to get women on the hook. Maybe that's his new game.

Anyway it had to be this way cos he has his own path to go down in life and it's not a pretty one, and it's not for you.

[Lamartine]

I just want to thank all of you for your responses to this post. I still feel hurt from this relationship from time to time, and I re-read your responses to help myself feel better. This man did try to come back a year later. After all he put me through, he was still asking to get back together and wanting to know if my (37 year old) self wanted children with him. With the passage of time (and with my own mental health training as I am completing a masters in social work and applying to doctoral programs), I now know for certain that I was dealing with someone suffering from an undiagnosed personality disorder. Thank you all for your help in assisting me in moving past this.

[Redhead14]

I didn't think he had the emotional maturity to handle a real relationship

 

 

You were right then . . . and that didn't change later. The guy was looking for an excuse because he'd gotten in over his head and he knew it.

[Curiousroxy86]

My question to you, because I am still broken hearted over this and having a hard time with its fallout, is what would make a man talk love and marriage for so may months and then change his mind in the space of 48 hours? Could it really be because I blew up his phone after he hung up on me? Or could it be that he really doesn't understand what love and real relationships entail. It was so very cruel.

 

Lamartine

 

Possible reasons...

 

He didn’t mean it, he doesn’t know what love/commitment is, he was infatuated with you, he was love bombing, he could be narcissistic, his mouth wrote a check his behind couldn’t cash, he wanted the feeling of being “in love” but couldn’t handle the responsibilities that come with actually loving someone and being committed, he was planning to breakup or worse cheating and wanted you to swap you out for his next victim he was wooing the exact same way he wooed you and unfortunately used a petty fight as an excuse to let you go

 

So many reasons you won’t get the answer not closure with men like this unfortunately.

 

Doesn’t matter. Give yourself closure. End result he did not want to be that man you needed. He did not want what you want despite what he told you. He is and would have been a horrible pos relationship partner and as heartbreaking and effed up that was it actually is a great thing that it ended because you would have been sorely unhappy and he was obviously very wrong for you.

 

Going forward find someone locally that is consistent and that you can actually get to know and as soon as you see red flags (lack of character, unable to resolve conflict, mean, unloving, selfish, distant, irritable) you cut him loose and date someone else until you find a man that is not any of those toxic things. Not perfect of course. No one is. But not effed up either.

 

Keep your head up and good luck

[Curiousroxy86]

Oops sorry didn’t pay attention to the date of what I quoted

[justwhoiam]

I just want to thank all of you for your responses to this post. I still feel hurt from this relationship from time to time, and I re-read your responses to help myself feel better. This man did try to come back a year later. After all he put me through, he was still asking to get back together and wanting to know if my (37 year old) self wanted children with him. With the passage of time (and with my own mental health training as I am completing a masters in social work and applying to doctoral programs), I now know for certain that I was dealing with someone suffering from an undiagnosed personality disorder. Thank you all for your help in assisting me in moving past this.

 

 

I'm happy to hear you're recovering from that. If he's going on the way he's always been going on, he might not even be able to have children (STDs and whatnot).

 

 

Oh well, not your business anymore.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

You would know 10x better because of your experience/education in the field - but it sounds like, just based on your description of the situation - and in particular his break up tactics - that he had an attachment disorder. TBH and transparent - it sounds a little bit like me - someone with a preoccupied attachment style. Now his sounds 100x more severe then mine ever was - but it seems like he probably freaked out on you when your ex died because he's never learned how to express his feelings healthy and he did a tailspin in his head when the little child inside of him felt like your focus on your ex was a signal that you would abandon him (the NY bf) - and he couldn't communicate with you and he just spiraled. It's a shame - and hopefully he has sought out help but you were 100% correct at 25, 35, and 37 - to leave this alone.

 

For a frame of reference - I just got out of a 2 year ldr with a woman much younger than myself. She literally sent me a meme from a cartoon couple she said was just like us (we had been sending them back and forth for almost the whole time we were together) in the morning one day that was all praise of me, but by later that day she was like - I can't be in a relationship any more (due to her studies) and when I put my foot down - she just left w/o even seeing me again, without discussing things, etc. Now she was young but even then, it's a sign to me that she has the same issue(s) that I had with attachment and that while I've gotten 90% better thanks to effort, therapy, and good family/friends - we would continue to have problems for a long time since she could not bring herself to go to that deep place.

 

So, with what you shared about your experience with this dude from day one when you are 25 I say good for you! No matter how hard it hurts some days, you need to recognize that while you may want things to work, some things are not meant to be and that in this case, you've been absolutely blameless (not perfect ) in all of this and you need to recognize you deserve love and goodness in equality to what you give out. I hope the passage of time helps you realize that if you haven't already.

[Redhead14]

I broke it off because I didn't think he had the emotional maturity to handle a real relationship

 

 

There's no big mystery here . . . your original analysis of him was correct and he hadn't changed. Sounds to me like its a case of tit-for-tat. You broke off the original engagement, he carried a little grudge and now he's done it to you . . . a "how do you like me now" thing . . . and "see how you like it".

Edited September 9, 2019 by Redhead14

[Tristian]

As the OP hasn't logged in since July we'll call this one closed.