Don't Give the wayward spouse/partner a list of demands for reconciliation

[Chuck Finley]

This suggestion is going to go counter to what everyone in the forum says and believes. And it will probably get a lot of criticism. But please hear me out.

 

I think that the betrayed spouse (BS) should simply tell the wayward spouse (WS) that, if the WS's behavior going forward is unacceptable, the BS will divorce them. The WS may ask or demand to know what behaviors are expected of them in the future. The BS should tell the WS that part of the “test” for reconciliation ® is seeing if the WS knows what is acceptable behavior, without being told. If the WS cannot determine on their own what is acceptable behavior, it shows that reconciliation is not possible. After all, a truly remorseful WS instinctively knows how to behave.

 

The BS should tell the WS that going forward they want the relationship to be based on real desire, not a list of rules. The BS should tell the WS to do what they truly desire to do. If what they truly desire to do is acceptable to the BS, then they have a real relationship. If what the WS truly desires to do is not acceptable to the BS, then it's time to divorce, because they do not have a real relationship.

 

Therefore, the BS gives absolutely no guidelines to the WS. The most important part of a change in behavior is the INSTINCTUAL UNDERSTANDING by the WS of what behavior needs to change. If the WS’s mind is so clouded by the fog of infidelity that they cannot even see what behavior needs to be changed, then reconciliation is not possible. So, one of the easiest ways to see if reconciliation is possible is to see how the WS THINKS they should behave. That will tell the BS more than their actual behavior.

 

The BS can find on this forum the list of behaviors that should be demonstrated by the WS. The BS simply observes if their WS’s behavior matches the list. If it does, reconciliation can be possible. If it does not, reconciliation in all likelihood is not possible or desirable.

 

The WS will continually ask the BS, if their behaviors are acceptable. The BS should simply say that if the WS has not yet received divorce papers, they can assume that their behavior is acceptable, or that the divorce papers are not yet ready. If they receive divorce papers in the future, they can assume that their behavior was not acceptable. That's all the BS should tell the WS.

 

It is very important, perhaps vital, that the BS actually initiate divorce papers when they tell their WS that if their behavior doesn't change they will divorce them. The WS must be convinced that divorce is a real possibility, before the BS can see the true colors of the WS.

 

If divorce papers are not initiated, the WS will probably think that the BS is just bluffing and will not actually try to change. The BS must show the WS that divorce is not just a real possibility, but a swift and final inevitability, if the WS does not change.

 

In addition, the BS must institute the 180 as best they can. The 180 is the behavioral version of divorce papers. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The 180 is indifference. This is also vital to success. As someone once said, the real possibility of losing your job does focus the mind.

 

If the WS does behave correctly and R proceeds, the divorce papers should be kept at the ready. The WS must continue to understand that any deviation in their behavior in the future will result in divorce. R will not end after one month or one year. It will last for the rest of the marriage.

 

If the WS spouse does not behave correctly and you divorce and marry again, you should have a prenuptial agreement. A prenuptial agreement is actually a divorce agreement. You are beginning your relationship with divorce papers at the ready. This is the way all relationships should begin. It does focus the mind.

[basil67]

I think divorce would be far preferable to all of this. Why either party would want to stay in a marriage like you've just described is unfathomable.

 

Also, how do you think behaviour such as this would affect the children? Children deserve to grow up in a loving, supportive and secure environment - exactly the opposite to what you've described. If the couple can't agree to work towards mending the damage, they are just going to create highly dysfunctional children.

 

Whoever behaves as you've suggested would be a most appalling and selfish parent. Better to be children of parents who forgive. Or divorce if they can't forgive. But this would be completely toxic to all involved.