dioriomiles83 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 I am 31 years old, and just found love for the first time in my life. I'm so, so lost. My girlfriend of 5+ months broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. It was completely out of the blue, I was utterly blindsided. We built a relationship out of communication, and honesty, not ONCE did we have an argument or a fight. Every day she said our relationship and I were perfect. That she was happy, that never imagined herself being able to be so happy. It was heaven until she came over at night and said she felt I would eventually resent her for going snowmobiling so much, which is her passion. I know all of her ex-boyfriends have hated how much she snowmobiles, but to me, it was something I adored about her. I loved that she had her passions, interests, and hobbies. She warned me from Day 1 that she needed days to herself and that she did things with her dad. I was fully supportive and asked to go sometime. We talked anxiously about going snowmobiling together. This hurts, bad. This all came 2 days after she said she loved me for the first time sober. I didn't say it back then, but I did at our breakup. I always had an issue with that word, and it was something I was mulling over. In the days after the breakup she would text me first thing every morning, and sporadically throughout the day. She even apologized for being a "**** up". I was very understanding, and told her I wanted her to be happy, no matter what. To chase what her heart deisres, etc. She lives three blocks from me, and having the gut feelings that there was someone else in the picture, I drove by her house. Dumb, childish, I know, but I couldn't help it. With no one there I asked to talk, I told her I thought she was projecting past boyfriends on to me and that it wasn't fair, that I loved her being passionate about things. She said she was sick of doing the things she liked to do alone, or with her dad. Completely contradicted what she had told me in the past. The chat didn't get anywhere so I left, and immediately apologized because it was inappropriate. This past Monday I tried again. I sent her a long text detailing how I wanted to buy a snowmobile, chase her passion with her, and that if snowmobiling was so important to her that she would break off an otherwise perfect relationship, that I wanted to dive in with no safety net and join her. I offered to buy everything to make it easier for the both of us to enjoy. Her next line was "That would be asking you to change who you are, and I'm not going to do that." It's not, thats asking me to try something new, like she did with my hobbies. She said "I'd rather take a break" We had a bit of an argument, where I asked if there was someone else, she said there wasn't - and I believe her. In the conversation where I reiterated that I wanted to go with her and see her passions, she said "Well I wish you already did them and knew about them. But you don't. And it's bothered me for months." After I asked why she didn't bring it up before, and she said she didn't know. I ended it with a heartfelt text about how much she means to me and ended it with "I hope this is just a break like you said because everything else about us has been incomparable to anything I have ever experienced". 5 hours later she said "I just don't think we have the same life motivations", and that she didn't think it'd click for a lifetime. We argued, for a bit, and she said she doesn't think she would change her mind. Her next reasoning was that it bothered her that I didn't try to figure things out on my own. Which I disagreed with. That was followed up with her saying that what she "actually wanted was to stop doing all the man **** in a relationship because its getting kind of old", and that "no one can keep up with her". The conversation ended with her saying I treated her well, but its just not exactly what she wants for life. I told her good luck with everything. And the conversation ended. Even though we said we were going to be friends still, I noticed today that she deleted me off of Snapchat. That hurt. I broke the 30 Days of NC and messaged her asking why. No response. On top of that, when relationships end for her, she follows it up by cleaning off all pictures from the relationship off of her social media. We're still friends on FB, Twitter, and IG, and my pictures are still there. Maybe that is reading into something that is really nothing, but I am still looking. I've read all about the 30 Days No Contact. I want to reach out to her, to shake her, and say lets fix this. I feel so shattered and blindsided I don't know what to do, and I feel like I don't know why we broke up. I've always been bad at reading between the lines with girls. Thats why we put so much emphasis on honesty, and communication here. I have a hard time with the 30 days of no contact because I have a massive heart, and I want to fix this. On top of that, my Christmas gift from her was tickets to a hockey game between our two favorite teams on Feb. 11th. She has the tickets. We were supposed to go together. How do I handle that? I'm terrified of losing her to someone else. After some thinking I really think she ended it because she needs some time for herself, and to work on herself, but I don't know for certain. The uncertainty is driving me nuts. The uncertainty that she may never come back is killing me. And on top of it all, knowing that this 30 Days No Contact program may not work, is scary too. I just want her back. I know blowing up her phone, or reaching out trying to fix things will only push her away more but I need to overcome those urges. I'm so sick of crying myself to sleep, and not having any energy. I have refound the gym, and I love it. Its a great distraction - for an hour. I need more help. I need more answers. I need her. If there's any advice, or help you can give. I'm desperate.
dumbass2 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 There comes a point, usually around the the 4-7 month mark where both people start to figure out if this person is a good match for the future. One of the things I came across last time was that she really loved traveling and had been to a lot of countries. I hadn't and it wasn't a passion of mine, but I was willing to going to some new places. Bottom line is that despite how well we were getting along, this interest in the end was most important to her and though she didn't give this as a reason for breaking up, I could really see after time away that she really wanted someone with that same passion and past experience. She wanted someone already at that level. Despite my feeling that we were so compatible in so many areas, there were a few where we weren't and those were the difference makers for her. 1
FilterCoffee Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 Hey dioriomiles83, Welcome to LoveShack. This past Monday I tried again. I sent her a long text detailing how I wanted to buy a snowmobile, chase her passion with her, and that if snowmobiling was so important to her that she would break off an otherwise perfect relationship, that I wanted to dive in with no safety net and join her. I offered to buy everything to make it easier for the both of us to enjoy. Her next line was "That would be asking you to change who you are, and I'm not going to do that." It's not, thats asking me to try something new, like she did with my hobbies. She said "I'd rather take a break" We had a bit of an argument, where I asked if there was someone else, she said there wasn't - and I believe her. In the conversation where I reiterated that I wanted to go with her and see her passions, she said "Well I wish you already did them and knew about them. But you don't. And it's bothered me for months." After I asked why she didn't bring it up before, and she said she didn't know. I ended it with a heartfelt text about how much she means to me and ended it with "I hope this is just a break like you said because everything else about us has been incomparable to anything I have ever experienced". 5 hours later she said "I just don't think we have the same life motivations", and that she didn't think it'd click for a lifetime. We argued, for a bit, and she said she doesn't think she would change her mind. Her next reasoning was that it bothered her that I didn't try to figure things out on my own. Which I disagreed with. That was followed up with her saying that what she "actually wanted was to stop doing all the man **** in a relationship because its getting kind of old", and that "no one can keep up with her". The conversation ended with her saying I treated her well, but its just not exactly what she wants for life. I told her good luck with everything. And the conversation ended. I'm sorry to say this but she's just not that into you. She's tried to let you down gently but you're not listening. By chasing after her, you're making yourself even more unattractive. No, you don't need her back, you need a woman that wants to be with you and she's not it. If I were you I wouldn't expect anything out of her, let alone a relationship. Let her be and find someone that's better for you. Keep your poise OP. 3
Author dioriomiles83 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Posted January 27, 2018 Hey dioriomiles83, Welcome to LoveShack. I'm sorry to say this but she's just not that into you. She's tried to let you down gently but you're not listening. By chasing after her, you're making yourself even more unattractive. No, you don't need her back, you need a woman that wants to be with you and she's not it. If I were you I wouldn't expect anything out of her, let alone a relationship. Let her be and find someone that's better for you. Keep your poise OP. I see where you're coming from, however, it is still extremely blindsiding. We had so many other hobbies that we did together, golf, video games, movies, hockey, etc. the list goes on and on. I can't tell you how many times she said that she's never been happier with someone before. How eye-opening being with me was. I have a hard time thinking those were lies, so...how does that just flip in a person? I don't get it. It sucks. Thanks for the advice and the comment. I'm trying to take it to heart and follow through.
FilterCoffee Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 I see where you're coming from, however, it is still extremely blindsiding. We had so many other hobbies that we did together, golf, video games, movies, hockey, etc. the list goes on and on. I can't tell you how many times she said that she's never been happier with someone before. How eye-opening being with me was. I have a hard time thinking those were lies, so...how does that just flip in a person? I don't get it. It sucks. Thanks for the advice and the comment. I'm trying to take it to heart and follow through. I honestly don't know how people can change their minds so quickly and it's pointless trying to understand it. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. If for months she was super happy to be with you and then it suddenly goes away it just reflects on her personality. I wouldn't ever be with a person like this.
Whodatdog Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 She just wasnt as into the relationship as you were. I know you see it as blindsiding, as you having so many hobbies in common....but she's doesnt need a friend to do hobbies with. She needed an emotional relationship, and it just wasnt there, and never will be. You just need to understand that. Its not something that can be forced. Its either there or its not. And for her, it wasnt. She's trying to let you down gently. Let her do that.
Author dioriomiles83 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Posted January 27, 2018 She just wasnt as into the relationship as you were. I know you see it as blindsiding, as you having so many hobbies in common....but she's doesnt need a friend to do hobbies with. She needed an emotional relationship, and it just wasnt there, and never will be. You just need to understand that. Its not something that can be forced. Its either there or its not. And for her, it wasnt. She's trying to let you down gently. Let her do that. I agree with you that she's trying to let me down gently, but disagree on the emotional point. She was all in..first to say I love you, just a month into dating. I know how she reacted to things, and how she was invested and I know that's wrong. For example, just 3 weeks into dating I almost had to move across the country for a job. She was fully invested in moving with me. Even talked to her bosses and family about the steps to take to make sure she did right by them. So yeah....a switch just....flipped. I can't understand that
springy Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 Hey dioriomiles83, Welcome to LoveShack. I'm sorry to say this but she's just not that into you. She's tried to let you down gently but you're not listening. By chasing after her, you're making yourself even more unattractive. No, you don't need her back, you need a woman that wants to be with you and she's not it. If I were you I wouldn't expect anything out of her, let alone a relationship. Let her be and find someone that's better for you. Keep your poise OP. This is spot on in my opinion. Many people here have experienced this kind of "out of the blue" breakup and ask the very same questions. She tried to let you down easy but you kept coming at her, & she had a rebuttal for every time you tried to talk her out of it. Now she has just stopped answering. I would not reach out to her again if I were you. Sorry
Whodatdog Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 I agree with you that she's trying to let me down gently, but disagree on the emotional point. She was all in..first to say I love you, just a month into dating. I know how she reacted to things, and how she was invested and I know that's wrong. For example, just 3 weeks into dating I almost had to move across the country for a job. She was fully invested in moving with me. Even talked to her bosses and family about the steps to take to make sure she did right by them. So yeah....a switch just....flipped. I can't understand that None of that means she was emotionally invested. It just means she was enjoying the relationship and was excited to move. Filtercoffee highlighted the points that showed she wasnt emotionally into the relationship. You just dont want to see it.
dumbass2 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 My ex told me she loved me first and said she thought I was "the one". Again, she is my ex and she broke up with me. I wasn't all that she wanted. I doubt she's even found that guy yet, unless she has adjusted her lofty expectations. Hopefully for her, she has.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I am sorry you're having such a hard time, OP. I agree with the others; for whatever reason, she is just not into this anymore. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong; it sounds to me like the snowmobiling was an excuse. The "nobody can keep up with me" comment is lame - she's quite far up on her own backside if she truly thinks that. You offering to buy a snowmobile and join her was cringe-worthy though, man. If it's not your passion, it looks desperate and insincere. It's okay if you're not a snowmobile-enthusiast. As I said, I don't believe for a moment that's the only reason this ended, so forcing yourself into her hobby wouldn't have changed the final outcome anyway. I would not try to resuscitate this. 5 months is too short for much of a true foundation to have developed, and someone who can seemingly flip that quickly isn't someone you can build a solid future with. She was nowhere near as invested as she led you to believe. She talked a good talk, but couldn't walk the walk. Not a good candidate for a relationship, it turns out.
Young mind Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 This is very interesting and it spills out codependency all over it. Yes she's projecting her past relationships on yours and youre trying to hard to overcompensate this, she's seeing this and is quite confused, maybe she previously had bf who told her NO, who put her in her place and seems difficult to adjust to your PLEASING her every dream. You don't need to do this, you don't need to base your life on try to make her happy, trying to go snowmobiling because you think it will make her happy. Happiness comes from inside, you must let her achieve that for herself and you too. Try to move on and live your life and find yourself ALONE. Forget fb and instgram pictures, she will definitely remove those as soon as she has someone else, it was only 5 mo relationship, most people are cut off at that mark. Accept this is over and stop trying to persuade or convince with showing up unannounced or buying gifts or snowmobiling. If you love her as you claim, then let her go
basil67 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 I agree with you that she's trying to let me down gently, but disagree on the emotional point. She was all in..first to say I love you, just a month into dating. I know how she reacted to things, and how she was invested and I know that's wrong. For example, just 3 weeks into dating I almost had to move across the country for a job. She was fully invested in moving with me. Even talked to her bosses and family about the steps to take to make sure she did right by them. So yeah....a switch just....flipped. I can't understand that It wasn't love. This early on, it's infatuation. Yes, I know it feels all wonderful and exciting and new and shiny, but it's a trick of hormones and adrenaline. I guess both of you are young and she didn't know that it wasn't yet love. And you didn't know to take what she said so early on with a grain of salt. Those early months are great to enjoy, but don't take anything too seriously until you've been together for a year or more and those crazy feelings start to mellow into something deeper and more secure.
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