simon_uk Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 The ex's website expired today, no doubt I will hear from her soon. When we were together I paid for the domain hosting and set up a site for her. My credit card was due to be charged again but I cancelled it before it was. So now I am sure I will hear from her again and I have to tell her the reason why. she will no doubt ask me to re register it and she will send me the money. Obviously I will wait for the cash before I do but if I have to reset it all up again then I will be faced with looking at her pictures, something I do not want to do. So what do I do? We are currently of friendly terms, I dont want to ruin that but I dont want to be doing her too many favours now do I? The last correspondence we had was yesterday. I didnt want any animosity between us so I sent her a joke and then one line that said "sorry about the other day, I just miss ya" she replied "haha that funny, if you have a new girlfriend hunny bun I wont text you. I dreamt about you last night and you had dyed your hair blonde x" Me "ha I have dyed it but it is dark to hide my bald spot. I have just been working on myself to be a better boyfriend" her reply "cool x" So I ma happy with that, no chasing from me, if I hear from her, I hear from her, if not at least I know we are on friendly terms. That will do for now. I have no doubt I will hear from her soon, I dont want to be awkward and not help her out but I dont want to say I cannot do your website because it will bring up too many emotions seeing your pictures because then I am letting her know I am still hurting. What to do? Any advice? Simon
chris1063 Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 Hi Simon My advice would be don't have anything else to do with the website. Why would you ? You're not together anymore. Let her find somebody else to sort it out. This is the way it has to be IMO otherwise you are just setting yourself up for a world of hurt again. Just tell her you don't feel it's appropriate for you to be involved in the site anymore and leave it at that. That way you're not saying it will hurt you, just that there's no reason for you to be involved anymore. No reason why it should ruin the terms you're on at the moment but I really can't figure this girl out. She seems intent on contacting you with trivial things just to see how you react. I have no clue as to the game she's playing but i'd just reply with emotionally distant words if you have to. Don't say things like "i miss you" as she picks up on that and knows you're still hurting which gives her licence to push your buttons even more. Tough situation mate - she sure is a strange one ! Good Luck Chris
FataMorgana Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 My thinking is exacly along the same lines as Chris. Just tell her you don't feel comfortable doing it anymore, especially you two are not together anymore. Don't have to say why. Might be a bit of a wake up for her as well to realise she can't just assume you will do things for her at all times as soon as she asks. Things like that happen after you break up with people. Can still be in friendly terms, but the terms do change. good luck, know it's tough, but better for you to stay out of it.
upsetnhurt Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 Simon, Why in the world do you believe that you both are friends now? All you have succeeded in doing is prolonging your agony for a bit longer with false hope. I hear you talking about just being happy with "friendly terms" yet both you and the rest of LS know that you can't handle that at this time. She has succeeded in finding out if you are dating in which you have let her know that you are not. With that she can go back and date the world knowing that you are still waiting around and thinking of her. Good luck Simon yet with all this time past I don't think you have learned a thing about yourself.
Author simon_uk Posted August 25, 2005 Author Posted August 25, 2005 Originally posted by upsetnhurt Simon, Why in the world do you believe that you both are friends now? All you have succeeded in doing is prolonging your agony for a bit longer with false hope. I hear you talking about just being happy with "friendly terms" yet both you and the rest of LS know that you can't handle that at this time. She has succeeded in finding out if you are dating in which you have let her know that you are not. With that she can go back and date the world knowing that you are still waiting around and thinking of her. Good luck Simon yet with all this time past I don't think you have learned a thing about yourself. I dont believe we are friends, I believe we are on friendly terms. I cant handle that you are right, that is why I am not going to contact her or make an effort to be her friend. We have come a long way from where we were four months ago when she was abusive to me and I am glad about that. I have not told her I have a girlfriend or that I have not, I told her I have been working on myself, which is the truth. If she wants to date the world then that is upto her but she will not find anybody like me in the social life she leads and she will not find anybody who is quite so open and accepting of her issues. I disagree with you saying I havent learned a thing about myself. I have learnt that I am not perfect. I have learnt that I need to make more of an effort with any future girlfriend and I have learned that I cannot take people and their love for granted otherwise any future relationship is destined to fail. I don't care if she knows that I am still thinking about her or that I still love her, there is no pride in love as far as I am concerned. I have not made any conscious effort to contact her, I have not begged, pleaded or bargained for her to come back. When she has asked I have let my feelings be known in a non threatening manner. I love this girl with all of my heart and I am not going to play games to win her back. if she wants to play games that is fine but without two people co-operating there is no game. If she comes back, she comes back, if she doesnt, she doesnt but it wont be because I played a game or because I didnt work on the things that broke us up in the first place. Either way I know that in time I will be fixed and I will ready to love again and this time do it properly. I am still at a stage where I do not have all the answers to these little problems that keep arising and dont feel entirely comfortable making decisions without first seeking advice. I am sorry if I have posted a lot about my problems but I believe that is what this site is for. I value everybody's advice that is why I always ask. Simon
pippen_2k Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 That dude is kinda right simon... you maybe havnt learnt that much yet! You still talk like you are 'progressing' with her.. seriously... who cares if she thinks of you differently now...You might not admitt it, but you do get hope out of her words. This false hope is the killer! You know that and so do I. You may as well buy a steel cap boot and kick yourself in the balls a few times a day...No different from what your doing now... as the Red Hot Chilli Peppers said " Give it away, Give it away, Give it away now"
alphamale Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 Originally posted by simon_uk Any advice? you are being waaay too nice to this woman and you need to throw her a curve ball. tell her to f*** off and that you won't do her web site anymore. and stop sharing your "feelings" with her and all that krap.
smile Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 I know everyone here sounds a bit harsh. You still care about this girl and you feel that she needs to know she can always count on you. I know, I did that with my ex. And no matter what anyone said or did I had to do what was right in my heart. And I did. For me that led to alot of heartache and sometimes I do wish I would've just stayed away. But there are those moments that we had when we were just on "friendly" terms that were pretty great. Unfortunately they are kinda stained with that uncertain fearful feeling. Its a damned if you do damned if you dont kinda thing I think. We can all tell you to stay away and that she needs to know what its like to lose you since she broke up with you... but you may not be ready to listen. Thats ok. You take as much as you can take. If it works out then that is fantastic. And if it doesn't, well there are plenty of people here that will continue to listen. Throughout a zillion mistakes and untaken advice. Trust me on that one. But trust me, life is a lot more fun when you aren't busy analyzing every single word your ex says. Somehow searching for that hidden bit of your relationship that she wants back. It can make you crazy man. Take care. And do what you feel is right.
chris1063 Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 Originally posted by simon_uk I dont believe we are friends, I believe we are on friendly terms. I cant handle that you are right, that is why I am not going to contact her or make an effort to be her friend. We have come a long way from where we were four months ago when she was abusive to me and I am glad about that. I have not told her I have a girlfriend or that I have not, I told her I have been working on myself, which is the truth. If she wants to date the world then that is upto her but she will not find anybody like me in the social life she leads and she will not find anybody who is quite so open and accepting of her issues. I disagree with you saying I havent learned a thing about myself. I have learnt that I am not perfect. I have learnt that I need to make more of an effort with any future girlfriend and I have learned that I cannot take people and their love for granted otherwise any future relationship is destined to fail. I don't care if she knows that I am still thinking about her or that I still love her, there is no pride in love as far as I am concerned. I have not made any conscious effort to contact her, I have not begged, pleaded or bargained for her to come back. When she has asked I have let my feelings be known in a non threatening manner. I love this girl with all of my heart and I am not going to play games to win her back. if she wants to play games that is fine but without two people co-operating there is no game. If she comes back, she comes back, if she doesnt, she doesnt but it wont be because I played a game or because I didnt work on the things that broke us up in the first place. Either way I know that in time I will be fixed and I will ready to love again and this time do it properly. I am still at a stage where I do not have all the answers to these little problems that keep arising and dont feel entirely comfortable making decisions without first seeking advice. I am sorry if I have posted a lot about my problems but I believe that is what this site is for. I value everybody's advice that is why I always ask. Simon No need to be sorry - you're right, that is what the site is for. Thing is this girl knows you're missing her cos you've told her. She also knows that if she asks you to do something i.e. the website that you'll do it because you're clinging to the hope that if you do what she asks and look interested she might come back. Fact is if she wanted to be with you she would be - end of story. I know how you feel - I really do. Recent Emails from my ex have been softer and it's gone from no name on the bottom to an initial and now her full name and telling me stuff she's done like the other day "been to the gym" - like i'm interested ! But just shows if you stay distant and emotionally detached sometimes the tables begin to turn and you realise that maybe that other person misses you more than you thought. I'd still consider changing your mobile number. That will mean that if she wants contact she will have to physically come and find you which will really shift the balance of power to your side. Then I think you'll really know whether she does want another try. And please DON'T get involved with the website - it's just not worth your time OR your hurt. Chris
blue16 Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 simon, you're right that you don't make a great effort to contact her and all that. BUT, when she does talk to you...you try to keep a text conversation going on, and you also shared your feelings for her. You should be giving her short, vague responses AT MOST. That's all she really deserves at this stage. The thing about ignoring her is that depending on the reasons why you're doing it, it is not necessarily a game. Is no contact a game when you want/need to move on to other people so you don't want to have to deal with your ex anymore? No. Is ignoring your ex a game when you are doing it so that she'll start to miss you all of a sudden and you think you'll have a chance? Yes. You need to stop clinging on to false hope that her talking to you = she wants you. It may be the case...but the only way to find out is to stop talking to her. If she truely misses you and wants to get back together she'll let you know. Anything else besides that means she is just stringing you along, and enjoys knowing that you still like her. As long as you continue to be the nice guy who always responds to her every move, you're playing right into her and a) you won't be able to move on and b) you won't get back together either.
sundrop Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 Simon, She can pay for the website with her credit card for billing. Don't except a payment from her, let her re-establish the website with her credit card. If she doesn't have one, than ooops, sorry, the website is going to be down for a while.
Author simon_uk Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 Well after a discussion with my friend last night I have sorted out my problem. Some of you (most of you) will probably think I am stupid but I have paid the $44 and renewed the site. I figured for the sake of $44 I am saving myself a lot of trouble and hassle for at least a year by which point this whole sorry mess will be over one way or another. She now has no reason to contact me, I have no reason to contact her and I am not faced with the dilemma of being too nice by helping her out or being a prick and telling her to f*** off. I know most of you will disagree with my actions but I feel much happier now and have no need to worry about an imminent discussion. Thank You
FataMorgana Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 hey, why would we think you're stupid? Glad you found a solution that makes you happy and also avoid unecessary contact with her. You've done well, really. it's only $44 dollars..what's that compared with your peace of mind
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