Jennakay08 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 So I will try to make this short, but theres a lot of stuff involved. Well to start I joined LS in Nov due to a heart wrenching break up I had in Oct , I posted about it here and got tons of amazing feed back. I thought I had healed that breakup/relationship I am so unsure of that now. About a month later I started dating a guy, I slept with him on the first date, stupid I know but apparently thats where things went south. To me no, its not the best way to start a relationship but it is also not a deal breaker or a way I would define a relationship. We keep talking and we get along like we have known each other for years, I had an amazing connection with him, like no other. There were red flags I ignored from the start. For example, he said he was getting off dating sites to focus on me, that never happened, he had an ED issue and said it "only happened with me" then said it did with his ex wife then he said "only with me" again, on the OLD site we met I asked him before we met if he wanted more children as he has 4, in which he responded "If the woman I love wants a child how could I deny that her that" that soon turned into I don't want more children, after we get to know each other. He was always so weird with his phone, and every ex was "crazy". Also after having ED on xmas eve, texted me xmas day to have a "break", we weren't together but said sure I understand. Then 4 hours later texts me how much he should be making me his etc etc, I fell for it and kept dating the roller coaster. So I thought things were going well, I mean he had some weird sex fantasies that I honestly just went with and talked dirty with to please him. He wanted to "share" me. I don't think it would get that far as actually doing it but I just honestly went along during the time it came up like sexting or whatever. He was the one that brought all this stuff about sharing me up. Well things went south last Wed(if you want to see my previous post about him acting weird on his phone) and it seems me and him had the longest "break up" ever as it lasted until tues, his words are so damaging to me though. I did not want it to end, but he said that where we were headed sexually was unhealthy, that there would have never been trust. That he was okay with sharing because his ex wife cheated on him and that was the only way to keep her from cheating was to be on board with it. He made it seem like it was me that brought that up. I made a post on FB about narcissist and that was mostly towards my ex which he knew plenty about, and he writes me " I am guessing that is about me", I told him no it was toward ex and he goes on to say more things about how we would never work but I am amazing bla bla. The tues before the "breakup" he was also saying things like "I could see you and your daughter being here with me always". He would sometimes say things like that but then immediately pull back the next day. I was always wondering if his words were genuine or if he was waiting until something better came along. Well I have been in a really dark place and I can't even understand why, I went into a major depression and I honestly don't have a reason why. I cant figure out my emotions and that is the scariest thing. I don't know if I did not heal my ex and used this guy to cover them and then when things did not work out with him the bandaid ripped off but it is like I am sinking. I dont know if it is the two huge rejections in 4 months, I don't know why. I don't know if I actually did like the guy and this has me this upset (I refuse to think that is the truth) or I don't know if I was so mind facked by him that this has lead me here. Well I get a stupid message from ex as per usual we share a child so naturally I have to have contact with him and I seemed to go further into a depression. I posted on my snap that I was in need of prayers with something along the lines of "when someone rips your world again and again", well I get a message from the guy I was dating that said "I am really sorry about what happened I really am". Again he thought the message was about him. I told him it was not about him but okay, he says I am here for you if you want to talk you can call me. I stupidly call him, he mostly talks about where me and him went wrong. Which if someone is in a dark place why would you bring up something that is going to make them feel worse. Says that he doesn't think there would ever be trust and that me and picked up where him and his wife left off. It was like he was comparing me to his ex that cheated. He says it all in such a caring way that my mind is still twisting with everything. His words have stayed with me and I really called him for help. He tells me "if you know anything know that I care about you when you lay your head down to bed", and please call me whenever you want I am always here. I asked him if I could call him later as I had other things to do, he says sure I am here. I text him on my way home asking if he was awake, no response still no response. So I sit here wondering, why reach out? Did he do that to make himself feel better? If he was actually concerned about me wouldnt he respond when he got up for work? Is he a narcissist that weirdly likes to feed his ego? Am I this messed up in my head because I went from one narcissist to another, only to be rejected by both? Why tell me everything that went wrong with us so here I am spinning about it again? Then twists it in a way that makes it seem like I am amazing and me and him just wern't amazing together, but somehow that has not made me feel any better. I am so lost in emotions, I deep down know he was no good for me, but I also can't help but feel like there is something wrong with me, especially after that convo.
Author Jennakay08 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Posted January 27, 2018 I would love some feedback as I am so lost, I want to send a txt like "Thank you for trying to be here for me but I cant" is that not okay?
CaliBabe Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Hi dear, you sound like you are really hurting and I am sorry for that. What I can tell you is it is not healthy for you to jump from one relationship to another. You are not healing properly. You also sound very codependent. I highly suggest you stay single for a period of time to work on yourself and to heal through your emotions properly. Focus solely on yourself. Workout, get a therapist, spend time with friends, get a new hobby, volunteer, and just really focus on loving you first. No dependency on men. You sound really sweet and I hope your healing process is swift and that you can get alot from you. Go NC immediately. 2
Young mind Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Why not take a break from all of these just for yourself, sometimes it isn't better to be alone to heal, fill your days with some other activities. Seems like you didn't heal from your ex, just suppressed them and was happy when the new guy came along, maybe you need a break to figure yourself out or at least attain for calm state for a while, it will help your mood and days. HOld on 1
bluecastle Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I'm just going to chime in with what the others (and even yourself) have said: You haven't given yourself ample time to heal from your last relationship. You jumped into this because it felt good for a minute—numbing pain always feels good—but when the new guy turned out to be unavailable and too broken himself, it's just added to your pain. Think of your last breakup like a wound. You have two options: you can shroud it in bandaids so it just festers, or expose it to the elements and let it heal on its own, feeling the pain and growing stronger for it. If you choose the former you'll just keep spinning in the same place; the latter will lead you through some darkness, sure, but ultimately to more light. 1
Author Jennakay08 Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 Hi dear, you sound like you are really hurting and I am sorry for that. What I can tell you is it is not healthy for you to jump from one relationship to another. You are not healing properly. You also sound very codependent. I highly suggest you stay single for a period of time to work on yourself and to heal through your emotions properly. Focus solely on yourself. Workout, get a therapist, spend time with friends, get a new hobby, volunteer, and just really focus on loving you first. No dependency on men. You sound really sweet and I hope your healing process is swift and that you can get alot from you. Go NC immediately. THank you so much for this advice, I need to find myself. I told myself that in the beginning of the breakup with ex and I did the exact opposite. I am kind of excited to start the finding myself journey. I am very codependent, I was never that way I used to be a very independent person, I dont know where I became codependent, possibly dating ex that had major mental health issues. 1
Summer08 Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 He was always so weird with his phone, and every ex was "crazy". So I thought things were going well, I mean he had some weird sex fantasies that I honestly just went with and talked dirty with to please him. He wanted to "share" me. I don't think it would get that far as actually doing it but I just honestly went along during the time it came up like sexting or whatever. He was the one that brought all this stuff about sharing me up. Those are two red flags: 1. Men who claim all their ex-girfriends are crazy. 2. Men who want to "share" you. If I were you I'd cut all ties with this dude and never look back. I don't know you but I'm sure you can do better. It won't be that difficult either.
CaliBabe Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 THank you so much for this advice, I need to find myself. I told myself that in the beginning of the breakup with ex and I did the exact opposite. I am kind of excited to start the finding myself journey. I am very codependent, I was never that way I used to be a very independent person, I dont know where I became codependent, possibly dating ex that had major mental health issues. It is all about awareness. Just the fact that you can admit and be aware that you were codependent you have the power to change that. You are not in denial like alot of people are here and you are accountable. That is awesome. Its a wonderful journey if you make it to be. Imagine how well rounded you will be after this healing. Guys will be knocking down your door to be with you. It's all about energy girl, you got this! 1
Author Jennakay08 Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 Those are two red flags: 1. Men who claim all their ex-girfriends are crazy. 2. Men who want to "share" you. If I were you I'd cut all ties with this dude and never look back. I don't know you but I'm sure you can do better. It won't be that difficult either. You know this one is huge, and the fact that he ended up throwing it in my face during the "breakup" was crazy to me, said he could never trust me because I was okay with exploring that option. Like I said before I was just trying to be dirty while talking to him because thats what he liked. It is so narcissitic. He is not a good human, led me on, lied out of his teeth, told me what I wanted to hear, all the while talking to women and making it seem like I was crazy. Now in a relationship with someone he is "in love" with all the while was talking to both of us. Just scum. I really feel for the girl he is with now, little does she know that their anniversary date is "Jan 1st" he was with me that day and the following weeks up to the "breakup". I guess she will find out in time how much of a 38 year old coward he is. Good thing I found out sooner.
Author Jennakay08 Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 It is all about awareness. Just the fact that you can admit and be aware that you were codependent you have the power to change that. You are not in denial like alot of people are here and you are accountable. That is awesome. Its a wonderful journey if you make it to be. Imagine how well rounded you will be after this healing. Guys will be knocking down your door to be with you. It's all about energy girl, you got this! You are so sweet thank you, I don't necessarily believe this right now, but eventually I will get there. I will have the confidence of a goddess and will attract an amazing human when I am ready.
Author Jennakay08 Posted January 29, 2018 Author Posted January 29, 2018 I'm just going to chime in with what the others (and even yourself) have said: You haven't given yourself ample time to heal from your last relationship. You jumped into this because it felt good for a minute—numbing pain always feels good—but when the new guy turned out to be unavailable and too broken himself, it's just added to your pain. Think of your last breakup like a wound. You have two options: you can shroud it in bandaids so it just festers, or expose it to the elements and let it heal on its own, feeling the pain and growing stronger for it. If you choose the former you'll just keep spinning in the same place; the latter will lead you through some darkness, sure, but ultimately to more light. I love this analogy so much. I refuse to cover with bandaids any longer! I look forward to the lght at the end of this dark tunnel.
Summer08 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 You know this one is huge, and the fact that he ended up throwing it in my face during the "breakup" was crazy to me, said he could never trust me because I was okay with exploring that option. Like I said before I was just trying to be dirty while talking to him because thats what he liked. This is abuse, some men use these tactics to lower your self-esteem and question your sanity. It's a form of "gaslighting." In order to build up your mind I'd examine facts not emotions and become radically practical. 1
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