Can't find a girlfriend for 6 years now

[gecco]

Hi everyone,

 

I am a guy, 28 years old, and I have been single for more than 6 years now. Usually, I don't make a big deal out of it but right now, I feel really bad. I don't know what's wrong with me so I would like to read some advice from you or something about your experiences.

 

So where do I start... Generally speaking, I am a very happy person. I enjoy my life, I have a master's degree and a well-paid job. Also, I am rather good looking (not in a "pretty boy" sense, more of a handsome, masculine guy), quite muscular (I work out regularly for more than a decade now), low body fat, and I like to dress well. People are even complimenting me on my style now and then. Personality-wise, I think I am a fun person to be with. Sometimes, I can be a bit excentric, but in a positive, funny way. I feel my friends and acquaintances like to spend time with me. In the last years, I also worked on approaching people with warmth, and more often than not, it works very well.

 

I really feel attractive and I know since a lot of girls smile at me (I smile back of course) or they sometimes get nervous when I talk to them. I don't feel attracted to many girls, but when I do, I am confident to walk up to them and ask them out (I am not afraid of rejection). Last time I did was in the gym. This girl and I had an interesting conversation, laughed, then I asked if she was down for grabbing a bite to eat after work out. She said she was going to an event that evening already. Five minutes later, a guy came over yelling at me how I could dare asking out his girlfriend. lol. She did not even mention him when I asked her out.

 

People who don't know me well often assume I have a girlfriend. The irony is, I haven't even kissed a girl since my break-up 6 years ago. I had a wonderful relationship back then which lasted for about 5.5 years. It ended some time after I moved away for studies because of the long distance and since she wanted to marry me but I preferred staying independent at that time.

 

What makes me very sad at this moment is the following situation: I matched a girl on Tinder, she agreed to meet up at a café (only for one hour because she had already set up a meeting with her friend later that evening). The date went well, she was really beautiful, our eyes locked right away and we had a nice conversation. I could feel she was genuinely interested... she did those things girls do when they are attracted: played with her hair, smiled, asked many things about me and then she hinted guys hit on her all the time. She appeared to me like a very nice, decent and likeable woman. I wasn't crazy in love with her after that date but hey, can you expect that after one hour of meeting someone? So the next day, I texted her something nice and suggested to meet again next weekend. She replied next Saturday would be good. Later, she said she forgot to ask me what I was looking for on Tinder. I replied without being too specific about searching for a relationship. When I contacted her a few days later to set up our date on Saturday, she wrote she was not the right one for me. This really baffled me. Since I could not get her out of me head, a week later, I texted her that I would really like to see her again. It turned out that she misinterpreted my answer to her question; she thought I was only looking for a sexual adventure. I said she got me totally wrong but still, she does not want to see me again. I don't know where to go from here.

 

They say "there's plenty of fish in the sea" and sooner or later, everone will find their s.o. so you have to be patient. I've been patient for more than six years and right now, I've reached a point where it really starts to hurt.

[BaileyB]

As someone who has also been there, it does hurt.

 

You sound like a "great catch." The best advice I can give you is, dating really is a numbers game. Do you think, you just need to get out there more and meet more women? Success happens when opportunity meets luck. I truly believe that there is a certain element of luck needed when looking to meet someone to date.

 

I would encourage you to put yourself out there more. Not every woman is going to want to date you. But, if you continue to meet people and present yourself in a way that makes you attractive to women, you will eventually find her. I have no doubt.

[gecco]

As someone who has also been there, it does hurt.

 

You sound like a "great catch." The best advice I can give you is, dating really is a numbers game. Do you think, you just need to get out there more and meet more women? Success happens when opportunity meets luck. I truly believe that there is a certain element of luck needed when looking to meet someone to date.

 

I would encourage you to put yourself out there more. Not every woman is going to want to date you. But, if you continue to meet people and present yourself in a way that makes you attractive to women, you will eventually find her. I have no doubt.

 

Thank you for your encouraging words. I know you are right, it's a numbers game. However, I struggle making a woman feel comfortable around me. It is a pattern I observe: girl is attracted to me, we date, then she suddenly backs away. It's as if I constantly send them into auto-rejection.

Therefore I feel it seems so much harder making girls feel comfortable I am not that much attracted to This is why I never ask out girls I am not genuinely interested in. That would feel dishonest as well.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How much dating are you actually doing? How often?

[Popsicle]

I'm convinced that there are many great guys like you out there, but they are hidden like you are. They don't go out much, and unlike you, they also aren't online dating. They are hidden. So at least you're online now. That's a start. May I ask how tall you are?

[gecco]

I'm convinced that there are many great guys like you out there, but they are hidden like you are. They don't go out much, and unlike you, they also aren't online dating. They are hidden. So at least you're online now. That's a start. May I ask how tall you are?

 

1,78 m / 5'10" – I know that isn't tall but Tom Cruise is even smaller

[gecco]

How much dating are you actually doing? How often?

 

Very rarely. I'm living in Germany and I don't find many girls attractive over here. I am much more into girls from the Eastern European countries, Russians in particular (physically and characterwise). Also, I've dated more Russians than Germans by now.

 

I know it sounds totally stupid but it's really an issue for me. My swipe rate on Tinder is like 5% on girls overall but I swipe right on almost every second Russian.

 

I am only using Tinder to increase the reach. I prefer to get in touch with people in "real life" anyway.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Very rarely. I'm living in Germany and I don't find many girls attractive over here. I am much more into girls from the Eastern European countries, Russians in particular (physically and characterwise). Also, I've dated more Russians than Germans by now.

 

I know it sounds totally stupid but it's really an issue for me. My swipe rate on Tinder is like 5% on girls overall but I swipe right on almost every second Russian.

 

I am only using Tinder to increase the reach. I prefer to get in touch with people in "real life" anyway.

 

Hmmm, well can you move?

[snowboy91]

They say "there's plenty of fish in the sea" and sooner or later, everone will find their s.o. so you have to be patient.

 

This. You have to be patient, and you have to keep putting yourself out there. It is a bit of a numbers game - let's say you're compatible (on a short term) with a quarter of available women. How are you going to know which ones you're compatible with? You don't... unless you try dating them.

 

Very rarely. I'm living in Germany and I don't find many girls attractive over here. I am much more into girls from the Eastern European countries, Russians in particular (physically and characterwise). Also, I've dated more Russians than Germans by now.

 

I know it sounds totally stupid but it's really an issue for me. My swipe rate on Tinder is like 5% on girls overall but I swipe right on almost every second Russian.

 

I am only using Tinder to increase the reach. I prefer to get in touch with people in "real life" anyway.

 

Bolded bit is again why you need to date a LOT more. You're getting upset about waiting 6 years, but if you're not actively trying to meet anyone, then you're just hidden to everyone else.

 

Also - what is it about Russians that seem to attract you? I'm wondering whether there are some minor cultural barriers/expectations regarding relationships which you might not be aware of? I'm assuming the ones you're matching with already live in Germany so the stereotype of needing a visa doesn't apply.

[Chilli]

Most beautiful women in the world but so much more than looks , same italian.

 

Don't worry about women in general feeling comfortable , maybe they're making you uncomfortable , you only need to feel good around the one that counts and vice verse and that'll be auto so but , you might be putting something out though none the less.

 

6yrs at your age is a long time should ask yourself was there one girl women, ever , that you wished or wanted to marry whatever so far?

lf not and probably not anyway, you probably just haven't even met her yet.

 

ps , no point asking women out your not attracted in anyway either btw, so don't worry about that.

Think someone said try date sites,l agree , but other than that yeah just get out when you can and have fun with life, things will happen.

[unit1]

There is a reason we haven't found the one yet....

 

(I haven't found a bf for long years, too)

 

now I cant blame the others, the reason is always within myself.

I need to figure out a lot change inside myself,

what do I really want from a man,

what do I really want from future, etc......

 

for guy, that is different list, but there is some steps to take there.

[gecco]

Also - what is it about Russians that seem to attract you? I'm wondering whether there are some minor cultural barriers/expectations regarding relationships which you might not be aware of? I'm assuming the ones you're matching with already live in Germany so the stereotype of needing a visa doesn't apply.

 

Well, the Russians I dated were exchange students during my studies. Our University had a partner University in Moscow. At that time it became apparent to me...

 

I am not actively searching for Slavic women. However, it's crazy so many of the ones i approach or fancy turn out to be from Eastern Europe. It's as if I could smell it!

 

Maybe I should add that – although I've been living in Germany my whole life – my roots are 100% Polish. I guess it's in my blood

Edited January 30, 2018 by gecco

[gecco]

Sorry for popping this thread again but I have a really hard time moving on and I feel writing about it helps me...

 

So this girl from Tinder I mentioned in my initial post... It is very hard to accept things ****ed up that quickly As I said before, she thought I just wanted to lay her when she read my response to her question what I was searching for on Tinder. This only became apparent to me after a week when I contacted her again and she told me. My friends (male and female) were surprised about her reaction as well as I was.

 

Since I could not understand why she didn't want to date me again after we got that straight, and since she still had not unmatched me, I wrote her that I really liked her for who she was (I'm not going into detail on this one now) and wanted to get to know her as a person. She responded with a longer text: At first, she really thought that I wasn't searching for something serious but in the meantime, she met another guy she is dating now. She wanted to "give it a chance" and she could not date more than one guy at the same time because otherwise, that would likely end up in chaos. Also, she didn't want to stall me anymore as this would not be fair.

 

 

At first, I wasn't too eager with her. But two, three days after our date I realised that I was very attracted to her and she was really a keeper. She seemed even more interested in me in the beginning. And then, everything got screwed up with a single misinterpreted message. I have such a tough luck. This again amplifies my feeling that just one wrong word can get you in disfavour immediately.

 

It is really difficult to be yourself with the thought that "anything you say can and will be used against you".

[Chilli]

Nah , you've got that allllll wrong, relax, be yourself . l don't think it was anything to do with one thing you said.

How could she possible have read that to be the other anyway, the wordings don't look even remotely alike.

And her second excuse says it all, all bullshyt.

She'd met this other guy probably before you l'd say.

But even if she met him after you, that'd make it she still chose him over you. Pretty well says it all buddy.

 

As far as the no action in 6yrs, dunno. Weird though l would've thought there'd be 100s at gym to meet over all those years.

[InductedHades]

I feel your pain. I'm 32 and haven't a girlfriend ever. Never been on a date either. Women claim they like me, ask them on a date and either make an excuse not to go on a date, or make some excuse hours before the date that they can't make it or something. Only to find they went out with some other guy. I have no problem talking to women. With number of times i've been rejected, its hard to believe I never been on 1 date.

 

I'm pretty much at the point where, theres just no point anymore. Some people might say i'm just giving up. Well, i'm not. I wanna continue with my life and if no one wants to be apart of that, then so be it. It's their loss, not mine. I wanna go travel and I don't wanna wait any longer. I'm planning on retiring from my job by the end of month or next month. As long as my doctor says its fine to do so, since i'm Bipolar.

[gecco]

As far as the no action in 6yrs, dunno. Weird though l would've thought there'd be 100s at gym to meet over all those years.

 

Yeah, that's totally weird. I would not believe it if I had not experienced that myself. In all those years of going to the university gym (at least four times a week), the girls I found so attractive that I would ask them out can be counted on the fingers of one hand. One case a few years ago, I remember particularly. She had some trouble with the equipment and I offered her some help (guess what, she turned out to be a Russian exchange student...). We chatted a bit, then I asked her out. She reacted very flattered, offered to connect via Facebook (then of course she searched for excuses; otherwise, she would have given me her phone number right away). Later, I found out she had a boyfriend who was also working out there: average Joe, no physique and always behaving like a sad, intimidated child.

 

Besides, how come so many guys appear to get rejected by girls telling them they have a bf when they are actually single whereas for me, it's usually the other way round? I swear, no girl ever told me she had a bf when I was making romantic advances towards them.

 

I am sure I could get plenty of average girls, however, I don't feel average myself. I just don't want to settle for less. Sorry if that sounds arrogant to you :-/ And I don't think such a relationship would be "healthy" either way. Even my first and only girlfriend (who was quite the stunner herself btw.) was getting jealous for no reason all the time.

 

I guess I'll have to go to public places like shopping centers or public swimming pools chatting up random girls in order to increase the pool of potential mates. The only problem is that I always have trouble finding an excuse for talking to strangers. It feels unnatural.

[ffar]

The only problem is that I always have trouble finding an excuse for talking to strangers. It feels unnatural.

 

 

You are in great situation because You are good looking or at least you feel that way. Also, you do not have fear of rejection...

Dude, go with attitude "You look great, I like your style. I want to meet you" No excuse BS like "Hi, do you like horses?"

 

I would kill for being able to approach woman like that and having no fear of rejection. I am 29.

Edited February 10, 2018 by ffar