mortensorchid Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 On NYE I went to a small party at a friend's house and ran into this guy who I hadn't seen in a few years. We chatted for a bit, then I went home before the ball drop for the sake of safety. He contacted me through Facebook and asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I said yes. I questioned my friend about it, the party hostess who I will call Sally. I asked Sally if he's an okay guy (which I realized I should have done before agreeing but c'est la vie). She sounded surprised and said she and him have been friends for a long time, but for bf information, talk to another mutual woman friend who I will call Ellen. So I contacted Ellen, what's the story? Ellen filled me in ... They were together about 9 years ago. People asked her what she saw in him. I was not liking the sound of this. Ellen and her ex husband had divorced, the guy who I will call George and his wife divorced, and they both kind of rebounded to each other. George was an unemployed, self destructive drunk which is why his ex wife left him. I kept this in mind, I told her of the circumstances behind my and his meeting and how I was going to go out on one evening with him. She said maybe he's changed but she ended up kicking him out because he was so abrasive and offensive and racist and rude. She ended it by saying "I hope he's changed". Has he changed? Well based on the get together we had last night he was ... Alright. He didn't drink a drop of alcohol, he never raised his voice. We had a few laughs about getting old (he used to have a mohawk and now he doesn't have enough hair for one anymore). He's employed - he works second shift as a produce dock supervisor for some grocery store. We ended the evening in a pleasant way, then we were texting today. I am keeping Ellen's words to heart, knowing that he's had a ... Checkered past. What do others think?
act00 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 People can change. Alcohol was clearly a real problem, and then rebounding. If he was rough and abrasive, it could have just come down to being completely kicked while he was down and all the crap going on in his life all at once. Divorce, alcoholism, unemployed, probably unemployable with his alcohol, unsure about life and the future, afraid, angry, sad, cynical...the list goes on. Ellen didn't exactly date a guy that was in the best place in life, and she got a good healthy dose of his psyche at the time...let's remember HOW they met. They probably both really helped each other through a difficult time, but at some point Ellen had to end it. He may have gone through this with a couple women before he realized he needs to make some serious changes. He could have lost friends along the way as well, adding to his need to make some changes. It's been 9 years, almost a full decade. He has cleaned up. He has picked up the pieces of his life. The fact he has an addiction and could relapse is the scariest thing I would worry about. You won't know if he's still cynical, angry, racist or any of those things until you go out a little while. He's still friends with old friends, and this is a good sign because if he was still such an unsavory individual, he probably wouldn't still have these friends. What you saw in him that night was good. You thought you'd like to know him more, and I think it's worth a shot. Obviously you'll be cautiously optimistic. Just don't stomp on him. You get weird with dating and shut down. Take it one date at a time. 3
callmegm Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 I agree with act00. 9 years is a long time and a people are allowed to change. Take it slow and let him show you who he is now. Don't let his past color what might be his future with you? 4
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 I just think it's odd you contacted his ex-wife to ask questions about him! 10
Author mortensorchid Posted January 27, 2018 Author Posted January 27, 2018 I just think it's odd you contacted his ex-wife to ask questions about him! Ex girlfriend, I have no idea who his ex wife is or isn't.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 Ex girlfriend, I have no idea who his ex wife is or isn't. Oh, sorry. I still find that odd. 6
grays Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 The racism thing would bother me. The rest all seems like it could be a temporary rough spot but I feel like being racist is fundamentally outside of my comfort zone. 6
melonmint57 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 I suppose people can change in that regard and it has been quite a while, but I would still proceed with caution. He could really have turned his life around or he could have also been putting on a show for you for a positive initial first impression. Time will tell. 2
ChatroomHero Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 From the sounds of it, it seems like you are maybe only mildly interested in him. What I have learned, if you are only mildly interested in someone if they have any knock against them, why waste the time? If I am really interested, my deal breaker threshold might increase. If I am dating someone that maybe I just want to sleep with or I am overall on the fence, any shady action, past, perception, no quality job...I'm out. I can overlook things if someone impresses me, but if they don't really impress me it's not really worth overlooking anything. 4
Mrin Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 So a few thoughts: 1. Obviously alcohol is an issue for this guy. Find out if he's completely sober. If he's not, then run because let's face it, a serious alcohol problem isn't something you lick by just "cutting back" 2. Racism: For me that would be an ender. Period. That's a hot button issue for me though. I don't tolerate racism, even latent racist attitudes, in my life.
FilterCoffee Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 he was so abrasive and offensive and racist and rude. She ended it by saying "I hope he's changed". People like that rarely change but then again, ex's don't usually tell the whole truth. 1
staggerlee71 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 why cant this be as simple as take him at face value? until he crosses a deal breaker, get to know him 4
unit1 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 people change, especially who has a tough past tough time, they will give u a big surprise, 1
Miss Spider Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 (edited) I think you should try your best just approach it like you would anyone new. We never know what kind of person someone is until we get to know them. We don't know what they did or how they behaved in the past. We only see who they are. Yes, they may have changed, though extreme changes after a certain point are less and less likely. Do give them a little benefit of that doubt, but keep eyes open and take into account all the information you have Edited January 27, 2018 by Cookiesandough
GemmaUK Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 You have two sets of 'terrible in a relationship' scenarios there. He might have changed, or might not. The tell is whether he takes responsibility and acts upon it. Not drinking on a first date and being pleasant etc is not enough to tell. You need a good 3-6 or longer months to see how he really behaves but in the meantime you can find out about what he says of past relationships. How have your past relationships panned out? Do you tend to pick badly? Do you sweep flags under the rug? I have swept flags under that rug before now only to luckily not fall for the guy but to cause severe drama before I got away. Personally, I wouldn't go for this one, he would quite probably be too much in the way of hassle & drama. Women do have a tendency to warn if a guy really is bad news - first signal was your friend was shocked - she directed you to someone who dated him. He doesn't have any qualms about asking someone out clearly but if that is the case and men are the pursuers then he is single now for 'some reason'.
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 I think you should go by what you saw on NYE, because if he really was still that bad, a NYE party would certainly make him fall off the wagon. I think with all the failed relationships and a failed marriage finally woke him up. He is probably going to AA and cleaned up his life. As for the other issues...it's the alcoholism. I think you will be fine Cookies....hope you enjoy your dinner date. 1
justwhoiam Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 One thing I read about alcoholism is that relapse is extremely likely. Google it: 90% of alcoholics relapse within 4 years from quitting or after they completed treatement and were therefore alcohol-free. A weak moment opens the window to the bad old habit. And who has no downs in life? If I were you, I'd call his workplace with hidden phone number, pretending to call from a credit card company (you name it), asking for confirmation about name/last name: does he work for your company? How long has he been working there? Thank you. Then you'd have a better picture of his situation. If he kept that job for just a year or so, it's not much and you need to be very very cautious.
Chilli Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 Couldn't believe a word an ex said anyway, who knows what she got up to in the relationship and says to make herself look good. ps , if l found out you did all this behind my back before we even dated , especially an ex, l'd be deleting you so fast my head would spin. 2
heavenonearth Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 The racism thing would bother me. The rest all seems like it could be a temporary rough spot but I feel like being racist is fundamentally outside of my comfort zone. From the sounds of it, it seems like you are maybe only mildly interested in him. What I have learned, if you are only mildly interested in someone if they have any knock against them, why waste the time? If I am really interested, my deal breaker threshold might increase. If I am dating someone that maybe I just want to sleep with or I am overall on the fence, any shady action, past, perception, no quality job...I'm out. I can overlook things if someone impresses me, but if they don't really impress me it's not really worth overlooking anything. I would second what those two said. Racism is a dealbreaker. Never met a non-racist who used to be a racist. You either are a racist, or you're a decent human being. And if you don't feel butterflies everywhere, why bother with a maybe-racist? 1
Author mortensorchid Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 We'll I did meet him. He was alright towards me but I took the words of others into consideration. He'll just be a friend. An alright guy and all but we're not quite ... As we should be if you know what I mean. And I listened to others. He told me about his past with alcohol and substance. I am old enough at this point in life (age 43) to know I can't change things but accept certain thing for what they are. And because of that ... He'll just be a friend. 1
Mystyry Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 He told me about his past with alcohol and substance. I am old enough at this point in life (age 43) to know I can't change things but accept certain thing for what they are. And because of that ... He'll just be a friend. It's a tough, but very wise decision. I am a firm believer in trusting people when they tell you who they were (are) and that certain things don't change. Yet, I just recently relearned that lesson the hard way, and so I believe you are definitely making the right call here for you.
Casper. Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 If you don’t feel it with him you don’t feel it and that’s fine! But I’d personally never ask someone’s ex for a character reference on them!! God I bet there’s some people out there in my past that would give be a terriable character reference - they wouldn’t be lying, although potentially a little jaded and one sided, but I’m not that guy anymore, I’ve grown up - people do!
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