leafguy Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Know it is a fairly common issue out there and one of the leading cause of break ups. Been dating a girl 9 months, feelings are there, but this is a looming issue. Long story short, she spends everything she makes while living at home with parents. We started talking about moving in together around the 6 month mark. 31m and 29f. We discussed financials and I knew she didn't have a lot coming in to the relationship, so the plan is/was to buy an entry level home and she would contribute with the monthly things. Debt free going in (save for car loans). Fast forward 3 months and negative progress has been made on her end. Everytime I try to breach the subject, instant defense mode. I know why...and its impulse buys, but she refuses to even talk about it. Has been borrowing for parents. My question is at what point do you cut the cord and move on? Need someone I can depend on financially as well as a partner and the need is not being met. How do you get someone to curb this habit (if at all possible).
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 How do you get someone to curb this habit (if at all possible). Only agree to a long term relationship with her if she spends a significant amount of time (1-2 years) on her own, paying her own bills, NOT living with her parents. 7
RecentChange Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Wait, she is 29, lives at home, spends ALL of her money on shopping, to the point of having to borrow from her parents? "Adult" life with bills, the real pressure of keeping a roof over her head etc is going to be a culture shock. Does she even know how to budget for food and grocery shop etc? 7
callmegm Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 As you've said, money is one of the biggest problems when it comes to a relationship. When I was single, I spent whatever I had and had zero savings. I was young and living overseas and made easy money. When I met my husband, I realized that he is the opposite of me. At first it was difficult but if I wanted to make this relationship work, I had to admit that I had a problem. So I did - and for the first year when we lived together - we had one bank account and I never carried cash, and my card was with him at all times. Dude it was so hard at first to always ask whether I could buy something or not. It hit my pride so much because in my head it was my money and I should be able to spend it whenever and however I want. After a while... I started seeing my savings account grow and it became easier and easier to not buy whatever I wanted no matter the circumstances. Now that I'm stronger - I have easy access to my cash and card, and I've been better than I've ever been when it comes to my finances Anyway, my suggestion is she needs to realize that this is a problem. Maybe for her, she doesn't think that it is. The moment she thinks it's a problem - she needs to be strict and come up with a way to REALLY control herself. My husband helped me for a year before I could trust myself with my money.
melonmint57 Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 A leopard can't change its spots. I'm 28F and was in a similar situation 3 years ago with a boyfriend who was absolutely careless with money and totally enamored with the high roller lifestyle. I'm very much financially conservative and take saving for retirement very seriously. We never lived together and ended up parting ways. It would have been a financial nightmare had we moved in together. Ultimately you have to worry about what is best for yourself not only emotionally, but financially and it sounds like she has a lot to learn about growing up. 6
carhill Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 My question is at what point do you cut the cord and move on? Once you've determined the issue is an incompatible personality characteristic. Need someone I can depend on financially as well as a partner and the need is not being met. Unless you're looking at a legal partnerships, their financial style is their business. Your association is voluntary. They're not required to adhere to your program of fiscal responsibility. How do you get someone to curb this habit (if at all possible). In general, you don't. Their life, their business. I get it might not set well with you but that is what free will is all about. Relationships aren't contracts of adhesion, rather freely and voluntarily accepted and pursued. Accept the real and make decisions which benefit you. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 You have been dating 9 months which is waaaaayyyyy to early to talk about moving in together. The only thing worse then renting in that scenario would be co-owning real estate. Bad, bad, bad plan. If you are buying it & she lives there, that would be OK. That said you need to tell her the truth, no matter how defensive she gets. nicely & in a calm voice you need to set forth the criteria you need to have a drama free relationship. . . a financially stable partner. Then ask her how she feels about that & whether she thinks she can achieve that by a certain time. If she screams & carries on, take that as a no & move along. If she tries, see how she does. But do clearly explain that this is a timed test & if she does not show savings & more responsible spending by . . some date . . .Memorial day? . . you will break up with her. But them you actually have to do it. 2
smackie9 Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 Ummmm, shouldn't this have been something on your expectation list? Financially responsible? Before investing into a committed relationship? She needs a dose of reality. She needs to go on that TV show Princess!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEtjiiZpYh4
justwhoiam Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 Compulsive buying is a serious problem. It's like people gambling, they're ready to make up any excuse to get by with it. If it's an addiction, I guess you should end the relationship ASAP. You don't want to be dragged to the bottom with her. There's no commitment yet, so you have no obligations to save her. You're 31. It's better you spend your time finding the right one for you. 3
SevenCity Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 You have been dating 9 months which is waaaaayyyyy to early to talk about moving in together. The only thing worse then renting in that scenario would be co-owning real estate. Bad, bad, bad plan. If you are buying it & she lives there, that would be OK. That said you need to tell her the truth, no matter how defensive she gets. nicely & in a calm voice you need to set forth the criteria you need to have a drama free relationship. . . a financially stable partner. Then ask her how she feels about that & whether she thinks she can achieve that by a certain time. If she screams & carries on, take that as a no & move along. If she tries, see how she does. But do clearly explain that this is a timed test & if she does not show savings & more responsible spending by . . some date . . .Memorial day? . . you will break up with her. But them you actually have to do it. I don't agree with giving her an ultimatum- people usually rebel against such things. My ex was the same (though she did have a house but MOUNDS of debt). A year and a half later I'm still using some of the consumables she bought for the my house when she lived here. I tried to explain to her that a sale isn't a bargain if you keep the charge on your credit card for 5 years with interest. She had a pile of clothes years old with the tags still on them. Plus dozens of designer bags she never used. One time we were entertaining the idea of moving out of state. It had come to a broil and I blurted out how her debt (over $100k) would prevent our moving away. That wasn't a good move and she brought it up when we broke up a year later. When she moved out of my house she paid me back the $10k I lent her to pay off one of her credit cards. She also bought a new car. I used to be in debt but completely changed my view of money and now have substantial savings. But the change came from within. You can't change people - even if it is for the better. I wish I had never said anything about her financial irresponsibility, but I'm not one to keep my mouth shut.
Whodatdog Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I wish I could scream at you DONT BUY A HOUSE TOGETHER!!!!!!! If you want to move in together, rent. DO NOT BUY. You want to designate her to pay certain bills, good luck with that. Mommy and Daddy have covered her bills up to now; if you move in together, you will be next, no matter what "rules" you set down. Ive seen it too many times. Dont do it. She will take you down with her. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 so the plan is/was to buy an entry level home and she would contribute with the monthly things. You realize how unlikely that is to happen, given that she lives at home and still can't manage her own finances and has to resort to borrowing from Mom and Dad? Your plan is unwise and unrealistic, to put it mildly. 4
No_Go Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Move on OP. I was with a guy like that. He was in his late 30s, me early 30s. Moved in at 8 months. I thought he’d be thrilled with my idea to buy a home after the lease ends, even if I had to shoulder the down payment entirely. But nope - he wanted to have fun, eat out, asked me to sign another lease, we constantly argued. Thank god we broke up, I moved out, bought my home without him and am happy ever after Know it is a fairly common issue out there and one of the leading cause of break ups. Been dating a girl 9 months, feelings are there, but this is a looming issue. Long story short, she spends everything she makes while living at home with parents. We started talking about moving in together around the 6 month mark. 31m and 29f. We discussed financials and I knew she didn't have a lot coming in to the relationship, so the plan is/was to buy an entry level home and she would contribute with the monthly things. Debt free going in (save for car loans). Fast forward 3 months and negative progress has been made on her end. Everytime I try to breach the subject, instant defense mode. I know why...and its impulse buys, but she refuses to even talk about it. Has been borrowing for parents. My question is at what point do you cut the cord and move on? Need someone I can depend on financially as well as a partner and the need is not being met. How do you get someone to curb this habit (if at all possible). 1
purrrfectlyflawed Posted January 29, 2018 Posted January 29, 2018 Wait she’s 29 almost 30 and still lives st home? Why? This would be a huge turnoff and red flag. I got nothing.
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