Long-Term Relationships without Children or Marriage

January 26, 2018

I'm curious how many others are in relationships where their desire to be childless and unmarried aligns with their partner.

For those not in relationships, but in search of one under those conditions, has it been challenging?

The social norm. is to get married and start a family, but I think often times we fail to recognize it's not for everyone and that's perfectly OK.

Thoughts on this?

January 26, 2018

My uncle and his girlfriend have been together 25 years. They have no intention to marry or have children. They met when they were both about 19/20 and a lot of their friends all met partners around the same time. They were all together for around 10 years and then their friends all got married. No joke- all of the marriages ended within 2 years- despite being together 10 years previously. It has completely put my uncle and his partner off marriage. They feel it is unlucky.

My family have always treated my "aunt" as if she was family- but she never really accepted it til recently when her own mother sadly passed away. She has suddenly realised that my grandparents have always been there for her even when she was pushing them away- and now they have recently got very close.

Other family members often tease them at family weddings- like oh you two should finally get hitched- but it just isn't in their nature. They are happy as they are.

January 26, 2018

Hi, Melonmint (Cute name)

I am single at the moment, but if I ever get in a relationship the person will have to understand that I won't have children for ethical reasons. I do not judge those who do though, because I understand their motivations. I think it is more difficult to find a partner who is accepting that you don't want children unless they are much older, but I think increasingly less younger people are convinced they want children (or at least they don't think so for now).

January 26, 2018

It's interesting how sometimes the most unfortunate of events bring people closer. It sounds like aside from the general poking fun, everyone is very accepting of your uncle and his girlfriend, as they should be.

January 26, 2018

Sure I can tell you about my relationship.

First, I don't have kids, and have always known I do not want kids (my dad likes to tell the story how when I was about 10 I declared I would not have kids, but I would have a horse - and yes, I now have a horse!)

So, I have always been adamant about the no kids thing, and have been very upfront about it basically immediately when I met any guys (mostly as part of the safe sex / birth control conversation).

And marriage? Eh, I was always indifferent about it. Never a goal, I knew I did NOT want some big wedding, actually I wanted nothing to do with a wedding

When I met my now husband (yep, story finished below) he was on board with the no kids thing (still is!) and very shortly after we met - forever seemed like it was a given. We moved in together. Combined our bank accounts, insurance, all that fun stuff.

Three years after we met, he proposed - I said yes! but.... we just never got around to the wedding / marriage. Putting our two crazy mothers in one room sounded like a nightmare, I didn't want the expense. We already were living basically as a marriged couple, so we didn't really see the point.

And nine (yes 9!) years passed, some laws changed making our insurance arrangement more difficult. Legally, it started to become clear it would make more sense to become "official" - but still, we didn't want a wedding and all of that.

So, with this in the back of our minds, we happened to be spending a few nights in Vegas as part of a road trip - and we did it! Finally got married.

Just the two of us, him in a silly ruffled pastel blue suit, and I wore a little sheath dress we found at a vintage store. It was really fun, and it was romantic. There was something to, even after our years together, saying it in front of a witness - we mean it, its us through thick and thin.

So together a grand total of 16+ years, March will bring our second wedding anniversary, and still thrilled to not have kids.

January 26, 2018

Sure I can tell you about my relationship.

First, I don't have kids, and have always known I do not want kids (my dad likes to tell the story how when I was about 10 I declared I would not have kids, but I would have a horse - and yes, I now have a horse!)

So, I have always been adamant about the no kids thing, and have been very upfront about it basically immediately when I met any guys (mostly as part of the safe sex / birth control conversation).

And marriage? Eh, I was always indifferent about it. Never a goal, I knew I did NOT want some big wedding, actually I wanted nothing to do with a wedding

When I met my now husband (yep, story finished below) he was on board with the no kids thing (still is!) and very shortly after we met - forever seemed like it was a given. We moved in together. Combined our bank accounts, insurance, all that fun stuff.

Three years after we met, he proposed - I said yes! but.... we just never got around to the wedding / marriage. Putting our two crazy mothers in one room sounded like a nightmare, I didn't want the expense. We already were living basically as a marriged couple, so we didn't really see the point.

And nine (yes 9!) years passed, some laws changed making our insurance arrangement more difficult. Legally, it started to become clear it would make more sense to become "official" - but still, we didn't want a wedding and all of that.

So, with this in the back of our minds, we happened to be spending a few nights in Vegas as part of a road trip - and we did it! Finally got married.

Just the two of us, him in a silly ruffled pastel blue suit, and I wore a little sheath dress we found at a vintage store. It was really fun, and it was romantic. There was something to, even after our years together, saying it in front of a witness - we mean it, its us through thick and thin.

So together a grand total of 16+ years, March will bring our second wedding anniversary, and still thrilled to not have kids.

I love this story! Really it just makes me smile! I definitely understand officially getting married for insurance purposes.

I've never been interested in children, since probably my teenage years. Never interested in babysitting. I hear all the time "It's different when they're your own" In my mid 20s it became very apparent to me that was not the life I wanted despite what everyone else had been telling me.

When dating I'm very upfront about this subject and most men seem to think "Oh she'll change her mind". I see more and more people being critical of this non-traditional route as if theres something wrong with it. No one should have to defend their choice.

January 26, 2018

I'm childfree, but no long-term relationship. My aunt and uncle didn't have kids. I assume they couldn't since it was before birth control. They joined a winnebago club and went ballroom dancing all over the continent. Wonderful people. Married about 50 years or so.

January 26, 2018

I lived with a guy for 10 years from my mid 20s on. I wanted to get married. He didn't believe in marriage. We never talked about kids because I wasn't having them without being married.

A few years ago, at least 15 years after we broke up & well after I was married to somebody else, he told me that his biggest regret in life was the he & I didn't have kids together. I wanted to kill him because by the time I met DH, having wasted so much time with him, it was too late for me to have kids.

January 26, 2018

I love this story! Really it just makes me smile! I definitely understand officially getting married for insurance purposes.

I've never been interested in children, since probably my teenage years. Never interested in babysitting. I hear all the time "It's different when they're your own" In my mid 20s it became very apparent to me that was not the life I wanted despite what everyone else had been telling me.

When dating I'm very upfront about this subject and most men seem to think "Oh she'll change her mind". I see more and more people being critical of this non-traditional route as if theres something wrong with it. No one should have to defend their choice.

You're right. Nobody should EVER have to defend their choice. If you don't want to be a parent, so what? Enjoy your child-free life, which won't be any less full than mine!

My daughter is almost 17 and has never held a baby, even her baby brother. I have exactly ZERO good pics of them together when they were both young.

She's been terrified of babies and small children since her brother entered this world when she was 20 months old. She hates babysitting. She's done it a few times for a friend of mine, but she does not enjoy it. She's always been passionate about animals, especially horses, and I know she'll be like this for life. If she chooses not to have children, that's perfectly fine with me (although she does, so far, talk like she will be a mom someday).

Not everyone has to be a parent and I really hate when I hear someone being made to feel weird about that choice. All of the childless people I know lead very, very full lives.

January 26, 2018

Sure I can tell you about my relationship.

First, I don't have kids, and have always known I do not want kids (my dad likes to tell the story how when I was about 10 I declared I would not have kids, but I would have a horse - and yes, I now have a horse!)

So, I have always been adamant about the no kids thing, and have been very upfront about it basically immediately when I met any guys (mostly as part of the safe sex / birth control conversation).

And marriage? Eh, I was always indifferent about it. Never a goal, I knew I did NOT want some big wedding, actually I wanted nothing to do with a wedding

When I met my now husband (yep, story finished below) he was on board with the no kids thing (still is!) and very shortly after we met - forever seemed like it was a given. We moved in together. Combined our bank accounts, insurance, all that fun stuff.

Three years after we met, he proposed - I said yes! but.... we just never got around to the wedding / marriage. Putting our two crazy mothers in one room sounded like a nightmare, I didn't want the expense. We already were living basically as a marriged couple, so we didn't really see the point.

And nine (yes 9!) years passed, some laws changed making our insurance arrangement more difficult. Legally, it started to become clear it would make more sense to become "official" - but still, we didn't want a wedding and all of that.

So, with this in the back of our minds, we happened to be spending a few nights in Vegas as part of a road trip - and we did it! Finally got married.

Just the two of us, him in a silly ruffled pastel blue suit, and I wore a little sheath dress we found at a vintage store. It was really fun, and it was romantic. There was something to, even after our years together, saying it in front of a witness - we mean it, its us through thick and thin.

So together a grand total of 16+ years, March will bring our second wedding anniversary, and still thrilled to not have kids.

You are so my daughter in a future/parallel universe.

January 26, 2018

Hi, Melonmint (Cute name)

I am single at the moment, but if I ever get in a relationship the person will have to understand that I won't have children for ethical reasons. I do not judge those who do though, because I understand their motivations. I think it is more difficult to find a partner who is accepting that you don't want children unless they are much older, but I think increasingly less younger people are convinced they want children (or at least they don't think so for now).

Hi Cookiesandough,

I'm with you on the no judgement. No one should ever had to defend their choice to marry or not marry, have children or not have children. It's a personal decision.

I find that most men I've been involved with feel I will change my mind. One of my longest relationships ended because he suddenly finally accepted I wasn't going to budge on the children/marriage subject even though he really knew this from the get go. Even with that, though, there were still a number of other issues, so I write it off as a bullet dodged. I've dated all men my age, so you may be right about older.

January 26, 2018

I've never wanted kids myself. I didn't have much trouble finding women who didn't want kids either. However, I did have a problem with women who changed their minds in their late twenties / early thirties.

January 27, 2018

I'm childfree, but no long-term relationship. My aunt and uncle didn't have kids. I assume they couldn't since it was before birth control. They joined a winnebago club and went ballroom dancing all over the continent. Wonderful people. Married about 50 years or so.

Another nice story! Ballroom dancing all over the continent... very interesting. Seems as though they lead a very fulfilled life.

January 27, 2018

I lived with a guy for 10 years from my mid 20s on. I wanted to get married. He didn't believe in marriage. We never talked about kids because I wasn't having them without being married.

A few years ago, at least 15 years after we broke up & well after I was married to somebody else, he told me that his biggest regret in life was the he & I didn't have kids together. I wanted to kill him because by the time I met DH, having wasted so much time with him, it was too late for me to have kids.

The things people say! While that was likely exactly what was on his mind, he could have just as easily kept it to himself given that it was irrelevant when he brought it up.

January 27, 2018

Oh yeah, the good ol' you will change your mind. I am 39 now, and those comments have finally stopped.

Which granted is true for some people - but I tell ya, there was never any "on the fence" for me, its something that I have known with great conviction for as long as I can remember.

Staying child free is a growing trend.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey, in 2014, 47.6 percent of women between age 15 and 44 had never had children, up from 46.5 percent in 2012. This represents the highest percentage of childless women since the bureau started tracking that data in 1976.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/09/childless-more-women-are-not-having-kids-says-census_n_7032258.html

January 27, 2018

Oi ... I wish there was an answer to this question. I have met so many people who said one thing and did another, who said they didn't want kids and they were so happy without them only to regret not having them, who said they would never marry and married the next person who came along, etc. What can I say? Life is complicated.

In some situations, it's the grass being greener. Some say "I do/don't want (blank)" and then do the (blank) anyway because it's easiest or because they are cowardly. They take up with bad people because they want to change it or it appeals to their wants and needs to be bad. You name it. I wish I could say what the answer is or is not, because I want others to be happy, including me. But ... I don't have the answer.

January 27, 2018

I've been with my present girlfriend for 6 years. We don't live together and are not married. I did tell her on our second date that I didn't want to get married and have not wavered from that position. She went through early menopause a few years back, so the decision about having children was made for her. I don't want kids, so that works out for me. She was married once before when she was very young and divorced after 2 years. So, that is the background information.

At one point, she was discussing marriage with her mother and her mother told her I would change my mind. When she brought this up to me, I reinforced my position never to marry.

That being said, I did put her in my will, she will get the lion's share of my assets if something happens to me.

Her best friend (single woman) told her she should dump me and look for someone else.

So there appears to be pressure from family and friends to get married, but I won't and I think my girlfriend has accepted that. I am hopeful that she is OK with the idea of continuing our relationship without marriage.

I don't remember what age I was when I came to the conclusion to stay single all of my life, but after I did come to that decision; anyone I've dated since, I let them know on the 2nd or 3rd date. I don't bring it up on the first date, as I don't think it is appropriate to do so.

Edited January 27, 2018 by Happy Lemming

January 27, 2018

Oh yeah, the good ol' you will change your mind. I am 39 now, and those comments have finally stopped.

Which granted is true for some people - but I tell ya, there was never any "on the fence" for me, its something that I have known with great conviction for as long as I can remember.

Staying child free is a growing trend.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/09/childless-more-women-are-not-having-kids-says-census_n_7032258.html

Interesting statistic!

I also hear the "Who will take care of you in your older years?" or I hear "I guess I'll have to adopt some grandchildren." from my own parents.

January 27, 2018

I also hear the "Who will take care of you in your older years?"

They sell long term elder care insurance policies for "your older years"...

January 27, 2018

Children are not an insurance policy that you will be taken care of in your old age. Far from it.

January 27, 2018

I'm curious how many others are in relationships where their desire to be childless and unmarried aligns with their partner.

For those not in relationships, but in search of one under those conditions, has it been challenging?

The social norm. is to get married and start a family, but I think often times we fail to recognize it's not for everyone and that's perfectly OK.

Thoughts on this?

At my age, no. Most of the men I come into contact with either have no children or they're grown. I don't deal with men with children still under foot or still living under their roof... I've already raised my own and I'm not raising anyone else.

I agree with you, though--marriage and children are not for everyone and they should never be pressured out of how they choose to live their lives. In fact, no one has anything to say to anyone about choosing to be child-free with the person they love. If they want them to have a baby so bad, lay up and have your own.

There are too many children born to people who really didn't want them and when the marriage has broken up, that child understands the feelings of not being wanted a little too keenly.

January 27, 2018

Interesting statistic!

I also hear the "Who will take care of you in your older years?" or I hear "I guess I'll have to adopt some grandchildren." from my own parents.

I'd tell them "I guess you've got a project now..."

January 27, 2018

My current partner and m definitely want kids eventually but it’s not on the radar now and we definitely do not want to get married. This is something we talked about very early on. I think it is the killer of most relationships....

January 27, 2018

At my age, no. Most of the men I come into contact with either have no children or they're grown. I don't deal with men with children still under foot or still living under their roof... I've already raised my own and I'm not raising anyone else.

I agree with you, though--marriage and children are not for everyone and they should never be pressured out of how they choose to live their lives. In fact, no one has anything to say to anyone about choosing to be child-free with the person they love. If they want them to have a baby so bad, lay up and have your own.

There are too many children born to people who really didn't want them and when the marriage has broken up, that child understands the feelings of not being wanted a little too keenly.

I couldn't agree with you more on the children born to people who didn't want them or can't care for them. I have a now distant friend who entered into a relationship rather quickly and had a child largely to fill a void in her life. Shortly after, she learned her boyfriend had been sleeping with other men and they separated. While I can't help but have some compassion for her situation given there's a child involved, now she has an even bigger void. All of which I see as avoidable.

January 27, 2018

I don't remember what age I was when I came to the conclusion to stay single all of my life, but after I did come to that decision; anyone I've dated since, I let them know on the 2nd or 3rd date. I don't bring it up on the first date, as I don't think it is appropriate to do so.

I'm with you on not bringing it up on the first date- really no sense. Certainly after that it needs to be addressed. Dating in my late teens-early 20s during college it wasn't something I ever directly addressed. As soon as my longest relationship ended at 25, I've been very upfront about it since as to not waste anyones time.

Sign In

Long-Term Relationships without Children or Marriage

Recommended Posts

melonmint57

Penguin_hugs

Miss Spider

melonmint57

RecentChange

melonmint57

preraph

d0nnivain

CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

melonmint57

Shining One

melonmint57

melonmint57

RecentChange

mortensorchid

Happy Lemming

melonmint57

Happy Lemming

RecentChange

kendahke

kendahke

heavenonearth

melonmint57

melonmint57

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...