AnnaN88 Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Hi guys, I will need your valuable input here. I met a guy through OLD, we chatted for a bit and we decided to meet. Prior to our date, he already planned to organise a tour of his area, so he can show me around his favourite places. So yesterday we had our first date. We went on for some drinks in a bar, then for a restaurant and finally we went to a “ hidden club experience”. One thing led to another and at the end of the evening I went back to his place and I stayed the night. We was really nice and I felt like the was instant chemistry between us. My question is how should I behave now? I have never had sex on the first date and not sure how to continue this. In the morning he texted me first that he had a great time and he kept messaging through the day. I am aware that this sounds like a hook up and I keep my expectations pretty low, but on the other hand I liked the guy and I would like to see him again and I don’t want to seem totally disinterested. I feel like the first date sex ruined things. I think that if he would want to see me, it might be for sex and casual encounters is not something I would want. I am overanalysing this?
alphamale Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 I am overanalysing this? when you have sex has little or no bearing on how long the relationship will last... 11
Streetlight23 Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 I am not in the group of "sex on the first date ruins things" but Im also not a guy that randomly meets girls on OLD, hook up with them, then never see them again, which I know happens alot, so maybe my observations are skewed. Sex or no sex, the ball is in his court. If he likes you, he will keep in contact and ask you out again. If he does ask you out again, you can bring it up that what happened isn't normal for you and you are not looking for something casual. Be honest and up front. Any man that hears this and actually likes you will respect your decision and still want to see you. If he turns his nose to it, then you know the type of man he is (not a man and more a boy) and isn't worth your time anyway. Early dating you almost have to keep your expectations low because there are so many different types of people and you never know what type is sitting across from you. If anything, you got some decent sex out of it and a dating story We all have them haha. 3
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 I think, if you wanted more than a casual hookup, you perhaps should have been more clear about that from the beginning. Now, all you can do is respond to his text, hope that he asks you out again, and then let him know when you see him again that you are hoping to meet someone to have a relationship - something more than "just sex." Either he will respond, or he will disappear. Good luck. 4
Maggie4 Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 yes you are over analyzing. If you are an interesting person, good personality, having had sex isn't going to change that. You don't even need to explain that you've never had sex on the first date before. Anybody can say that. If he has a problem with that, why did he participate in it? 4
CptInsano Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Sexual attraction is not a bad thing. Now he will have to show that he has an interest in you beyond that. Let's see how he behaves outside the bedroom. Or let's put it this way: If he had a genuine interest in you it's not something that good sex would have ruined. 7
RecentChange Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Now what? You marry him! I say that because I was casually dating, was sure I didn't want anything serious. I was busy finishing up my last year of college, would be moving etc. Just really didn't want to be pinned down, and to enjoy my last college days. Met a guy at a party, then went on a date with him later that week. Had a great time, we ended up in bed, bonked all night. And now we have been together for 16 years. Sometimes you just don't know where the path will take you. 9
carhill Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 So, he texted you first and messaged you throughout the day and no mention of another date? Since it appears he was not bashful and in fact quite proactive about inviting you back to his place for adult activities surely he knows how to ask you on another date, right? That would be my analysis. 4
Lobouspo Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 IME, men don't view women who put out so easy and so soon as relationship material. 4
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 I think you do the only thing that you can do if you like. Act normal like you've been on one date. Put it in perspective. That's what it was and sex is only one component. I think guys worry more than we do (AFTER sex that happens very soon) that they will be in an instant relationship. And girls worry that they will be blown off and tend to get clingy and weird because they want reassurance or attach more significance to the date/sex than exists at this point. So act normal, like you've been on one good date. Good luck! 5
Happy Lemming Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 ...but on the other hand I liked the guy and I would like to see him again and I don’t want to seem totally disinterested. If you want to see this guy again, call him up and invite him over for a home cooked meal and a movie on DVD or Netflix. That shows you are interested in continuing the relationship. 2
she'stheone Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Hi AnnaN88, It really depends on how he feels about you. If he liked you, not just the chemistry (which for men is physical and sexual NOT emotional), then he will want to see you again and NOT just for sex. If on the other hand he's not that into you (other than sex), for whatever reason, he will probably slowly fade away. I have dated many, many women in my 49 years (big 50 tomorrow ) and some I slept with on the first date and was done (I felt no connection other than sexual) while others I truly liked and wanted to continue dating. It all depended on my emotional connection with her. (Disclaimer: Most men feel a physical connection first and only later-much later-they develop an emotional connection. This is why most dating/relationship books/gurus will tell a woman to wait.) As for how to behave...my suggestion is be yourself. If you want ANY relationship to grow, you must be yourself. Otherwise, the man will become confused as to who he met and who you've become. He may not like the second you (the real you) when he liked the other (not real you) better. But... If he likes the real you, then you can simply continue to be yourself vs. worrying "how should I act?" Sending you much love and light 5
Highndry Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 My question is how should I behave now? I have never had sex on the first date and not sure how to continue this. Unfortunately, we men sometimes have double standards, viewing women who have intercourse on the first date as easy, and wrongly assume they do that on every first date. This can lead to a devaluation, because one of the most important things to a man is a woman who's loyal and faithful, and hasn't been sharing her goods all over town. A woman who gives it up so easily can appear to be high risk for cheating and therefore of lower quality. At the same time, the man never looks at himself as having done the same thing. Is it right? Of course not, but it's real. 4
Versacehottie Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Unfortunately, we men sometimes have double standards, viewing women who have intercourse on the first date as easy, and wrongly assume they do that on every first date. This can lead to a devaluation, because one of the most important things to a man is a woman who's loyal and faithful, and hasn't been sharing her goods all over town. A woman who gives it up so easily can appear to be high risk for cheating and therefore of lower quality. At the same time, the man never looks at himself as having done the same thing. Is it right? Of course not, but it's real. Double standard but absolutely real. Something to keep in mind for OP. That said, OP what's done is done. You only can move forward and be yourself act normal. You can't take it back, or hope he doesn't process what happened like this, nor should you apologize for it or try to explain it. Don't make the sex having happened night one a factor in how you approach him. Just do as you would if you had been out with the guy once regardless of what or what you did not do physically. I know plenty of people who slept together first night/too early and it still worked. I also know some guys who were not interested because of exactly the reasons, unfair as they may be, that highndry stated above. You can't change what happened so just keep showcasing the great person you are. I think it's positive enough that you heard from him the next day and he was acting normal. If all the conversation or texting was sexual in nature or a bit lewd, i would not really think of it as a positive sign, but otherwise yes it's seems good. And just keep in mind that percentages of success in dating (dates 1-6 let's say) are not really that high, so if it doesn't work out it could be for a variety of reasons, not only the sex or even because of the sex. Goodluck 3
olivetree Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Unfortunately, we men sometimes have double standards, viewing women who have intercourse on the first date as easy, and wrongly assume they do that on every first date. This can lead to a devaluation, because one of the most important things to a man is a woman who's loyal and faithful, and hasn't been sharing her goods all over town. A woman who gives it up so easily can appear to be high risk for cheating and therefore of lower quality. At the same time, the man never looks at himself as having done the same thing. Is it right? Of course not, but it's real. Yup, that's how it often works. Though as a woman, I also prefer men with fewer notches on their belt (by choice) so it can work both ways. 3
Miss Spider Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 (edited) Yeah, there are usually a few disadvantages but not necessarily a total loss. Edited January 26, 2018 by Cookiesandough 2
olivetree Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Great example is recently I had date with a guy who seemed attractive and promising, but he acted emotionally easy. It was a turn off. It made me think that something must have been wrong with him. His seeming lack of discernment/ liberal emotional attachment also made me think that he'd do this to anyone and I was just at the "right" place at the "right" time. It lost value. Not to sidetrack things, but this is the #1 turn off for me too in the early stages of dating. I just assume they are desperate and I could be anyone attractive enough to fill the void. 3
Author AnnaN88 Posted January 26, 2018 Author Posted January 26, 2018 So, he texted you first and messaged you throughout the day and no mention of another date? Since it appears he was not bashful and in fact quite proactive about inviting you back to his place for adult activities surely he knows how to ask you on another date, right? That would be my analysis. I know he has a busy weekend celebrating his birthday with his twin brother. He did not invite me out for a second date but he kept in touch and texted work related things throughout the day. 3
Author AnnaN88 Posted January 26, 2018 Author Posted January 26, 2018 (edited) Hi AnnaN88, It really depends on how he feels about you. If he liked you, not just the chemistry (which for men is physical and sexual NOT emotional), then he will want to see you again and NOT just for sex. If on the other hand he's not that into you (other than sex), for whatever reason, he will probably slowly fade away. I have dated many, many women in my 49 years (big 50 tomorrow ) and some I slept with on the first date and was done (I felt no connection other than sexual) while others I truly liked and wanted to continue dating. It all depended on my emotional connection with her. (Disclaimer: Most men feel a physical connection first and only later-much later-they develop an emotional connection. This is why most dating/relationship books/gurus will tell a woman to wait.) As for how to behave...my suggestion is be yourself. If you want ANY relationship to grow, you must be yourself. Otherwise, the man will become confused as to who he met and who you've become. He may not like the second you (the real you) when he liked the other (not real you) better. But... If he likes the real you, then you can simply continue to be yourself vs. worrying "how should I act?" Sending you much love and light Thank you very much for your advice! Much appreciated. I will see how the guys behaves. If he is interested, he wil make a move and invite me for a second date. If not, at least I had a good date. Edited January 26, 2018 by AnnaN88 3
Author AnnaN88 Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 A quick update: the guy invited me to the movies tomorrow, however I think he is after casual sex because I find him too “ sweet/cheesy” too soon, He texts things like “ I miss you, I am thinking about you”. We have just met once, so I hardly believe any of this. Is this a red flag on your opinion?
grays Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 A quick update: the guy invited me to the movies tomorrow, however I think he is after casual sex because I find him too “ sweet/cheesy” too soon, He texts things like “ I miss you, I am thinking about you”. We have just met once, so I hardly believe any of this. Is this a red flag on your opinion? IME that's not how guys looking for casual sex talk. I have had a ton of casual sex the last three years and just met someone I really like and am now exclusive with a few months ago. And I swear he is the first guy since my ex-h to say he misses me. Casual partners usually do everything they can to signal casual and "I miss you," and "I'm thinking about you," are not casual. 4
snowboy91 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 A quick update: the guy invited me to the movies tomorrow, however I think he is after casual sex because I find him too “ sweet/cheesy” too soon, He texts things like “ I miss you, I am thinking about you”. We have just met once, so I hardly believe any of this. Is this a red flag on your opinion? You've had sex on the first date, he's decided to keep pursuing. He must really like you! If you like the guy, I'd just go with it and see what happens. It sounds like you may not want to sleep with him on the next date, but if that's because you're worried about being used only for sex, then I wouldn't worry about that - he's definitely showing all the signs of being into you! If things fade over time I wouldn't put it down to first date sex - rather something else (compatibility etc). But that will emerge in time. In the meantime - enjoy! 2
basil67 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 He texts things like “ I miss you, I am thinking about you”. We have just met once, so I hardly believe any of this. You had a great date and sex. Why wouldn't he be fondly thinking of you? Quality men aren't hypocritical about women who have first date sex. Heck, I know a few who are either married to or in a relationship with a woman he had first date sex with. My partner included. 5
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I think, if you wanted more than a casual hookup, you perhaps should have been more clear about that from the beginning. Now, all you can do is respond to his text, hope that he asks you out again, and then let him know when you see him again that you are hoping to meet someone to have a relationship - something more than "just sex." Either he will respond, or he will disappear. Good luck. Yes you need to be extremely clear what you want and if you aren't into casual sex, don't have sex on the 1st date. I know that when online dating, you might meet a guy you think is wonderful, you will do almost anything and he just wants a hookup or you as a back up. Stay strong and if a guy ghosts you cause you won't sleep w/him, he just wanted sex. I had quite a few guys ghost me cause they wanted sex and I wasn't willing to give that to them. 2
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