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"Facebook Official"

Jlec93

By Jlec93
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Jlec93 Member

Jlec93

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So this girl and I have been dating officially like 2 months now. But we've only started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend the last week or 2 now. I'm not trying to rush things or anything, but I was wondering if asking to be Facebook official was rushing things or an unfair request.

 

Her and I have had some trust issues, and her last boyfriend they never became Facebook official, she said that she didn't want people knowing her business. She admitted to me that they both were unhappy and cheated near the end and that she kind of kept him a secret from people cause she was embarrassed of him. (Trust me he's the type of guy that I would of been embarrassed too) but anyways I don't want to be a dirty little secret. I'm not trying to show off or anything like "look at me I'm in a relationship." and I know that just cause she does that it isn't going to prevent cheating, but I feel like it'd be a big step in saying that she really does care about me and has strong feelings about me and I'm not just a dirty little secret .

 

Does this sound like an unreasonable or a silly request? If she says no should I just dump her? Should I just send it on Facebook and see what happens or should I talk to her about it in person? Should I come up with an alternate approach like hide your relationship status on Facebook or just put "In a relationship" with no name? I need opinions I feel like it'd make me feel a little reassured

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
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i think its ok to ask....its a fair enough thing to become official on facebook after two months....what idotn think is right or good is the fact that you would dump her over a facebook status symbol......thats pretty fickle and if anyone were to advise you to dump her i think thats whack too....relationships are about compromise and that looks like it might have to be your first talk you have about what you both would be willing to meet at to both be satisfied......im not big on splashing around facebook pictures and updates on any intimate relationship with a guy i have.....i will change my status and state i am in a relationship with such and such...if my guy agrees because he wants to do the same thing.....i have to share so much in my life...nearly all of me...with an intimate relationship...i like to have my bubble of personal privacy on facebook that includes if the relationship werent to work....i simply change my status back to single....

 

dont make such a big deal about facebook.....relationships survived without facebook for many centuries....facebook should not be a definer in your relationship.....deb

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Jlec93 Member

Jlec93

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i think its ok to ask....its a fair enough thing to become official on facebook after two months....what idotn think is right or good is the fact that you would dump her over a facebook status symbol......thats pretty fickle and if anyone were to advise you to dump her i think thats whack too....relationships are about compromise and that looks like it might have to be your first talk you have about what you both would be willing to meet at to both be satisfied......im not big on splashing around facebook pictures and updates on any intimate relationship with a guy i have.....i will change my status and state i am in a relationship with such and such...if my guy agrees because he wants to do the same thing.....i have to share so much in my life...nearly all of me...with an intimate relationship...i like to have my bubble of personal privacy on facebook that includes if the relationship werent to work....i simply change my status back to single....

 

dont make such a big deal about facebook.....relationships survived without facebook for many centuries....facebook should not be a definer in your relationship.....deb

 

Thank you, no I get what you mean, like I said I'm not looking to make like our relationship this big thing with photo's, and statuses, etc. No I'm actually very private. It's just we're both young (24) and she uses social media A LOT and she has a lot of creepy guys messaging her pretty much everyday all day and the first thing all of them point out is "well it says your single." I most likely (probably 99.9%) wouldn't dump her if she said no, it would just worry me a little because of what happened with her last boyfriend.

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2much4 Established Member

2much4

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Her and I have had some trust issues, and her last boyfriend they never became Facebook official, she said that she didn't want people knowing her business. She admitted to me that they both were unhappy and cheated near the end and that she kind of kept him a secret from people cause she was embarrassed of him.

 

It was a mistake from her part to tell you this. Of course you're going to think she's embarrassed about you now...even though it's really a non-issue.

 

Start with other things first. Get to know her friends for example. Hold hands in public. Show each other off in real life. You won't feel more confident because of a status if your relationship doesn't improve IRL first.

Threatening to break up with her over this is a bit exaggerated.

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lolgorgeous Member

lolgorgeous

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Bad idea. If you want to make things "official" (whatever that means) on the popularity contest social media platform known as Facebook, then she should be the one to initiate it.

 

You are indicating too much interest. My GF and I have been together for a year now and she occasionally tells me to make a Facebook account so I can friend request her. I'm not giving in.

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Thank you, no I get what you mean, like I said I'm not looking to make like our relationship this big thing with photo's, and statuses, etc. No I'm actually very private. It's just we're both young (24) and she uses social media A LOT and she has a lot of creepy guys messaging her pretty much everyday all day and the first thing all of them point out is "well it says your single." I most likely (probably 99.9%) wouldn't dump her if she said no, it would just worry me a little because of what happened with her last boyfriend.

 

Bolded number 1: is probably the main reason you want her to announce your status on FB. That and the fact that she told you she hid her other bf like he was a dirty secret.

 

Bolded number 2: You know what you would do if she wasn't "claiming" you or acknowledging your existence. It's a huge leap of trust that you need to cultivate between possessing someone and letting the world that they are yours and trusting that she will cut them off. If she loves social media to the extent that you believe that she won't tell people so she can keep getting the attention and flirting with others to see if a better deal comes along than you, no proclamation on FB will fix that for you.

 

To me, i think you just want to make some potential guys back off which is why you want to really put it on there. It may be a little more hopeful than assurance you are getting from her. Honestly, i think your motives will be transparent and turn her off, show your insecurity. I also think if a guy was so driven by these things it would turn me off--in other words it's usually a girl thing to ask to be FB official. So personally i don't think you should ask.

 

However, i don't think you need to hide your life. Maybe you could post photos of you doing stuff together and tag her (do it as you are hanging out together so she has a say in the fact that you are posting it). If she tries to prevent it, you will have the real answer you are seeking. Bc to me, it's obvious: you want to know if she is being real with you and can be trusted.

 

Good luck

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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All the guys who message her on FB....why is this happening? Is her profile set to Public? If so, why hasn't she tightened her settings to Friends? Seems rather odd for someone who doesn't want the world to know her business.

 

In general, people seem to change their FB status when they believe the relationship has long term potential. Nobody wants to be changing their status every few months! I wonder if hiding her status is a better answer for now.

 

As far as the guys messaging her, they are just desperadoes probably messaging anyone they can find. The fact that she's single is not an invitation and they are just being presumptuous. Does she talk to them, ignore then or tell them to go annoy someone else?

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I like what Versace wrote about having photos of the two of you together.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Just make your relationship status private. Problem solved.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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She's cheated on her last bf and you think because she puts "in a relationship" on FB she won't do it to you? You realize guys who wanna get at your girl don't care one bit what her FB status is right. They actually might like that. #stepawayfromthecomputer You have bigger issues here (like trust?!) if this concerns you!

Edited by Cookiesandough
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heavenonearth Established Member

heavenonearth

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She's cheated on her last bf and you think because she puts "in a relationship" on FB she won't do it to you? You realize guys who wanna get at your girl don't care one bit what her FB status is right. They actually might like that. #stepawayfromthecomputer You have bigger issues here (like trust?!) if this concerns you!

 

What Cookiesanddough said.

 

I used to always have my relationship status set to “in a relationship with” the person i was currently with.

Been with my partner for 8 months now and still haven’t changed it.

My relationship status is hidden. It doesn’t say i am single or in a relationship or anything else. Just nothing. It’s nobody’s business.

My relationship is with my partner, not the rest of the world.

I will admit i post photos of us to Instagram. But that’s a visual diary of my life and very different from what Facebook has become to me nowadays, which i only use to message with friends abroad.

 

Facebook destroys relationships. So much snooping and stalking. I am so glad i deleted my Facebook yesterday so i don’t have to worry about that anymore :)

 

 

You are 24, you are not in high school anymore. You should be confident enough to survive this relationship without announcing it to Facebook. I have to admit, though, the fact you say you are having trust issues 2 months into the relationship.... i never even heard of that. At 2 months you should be head over heels and crazy for each other. Honeymooning away. Not accusing each other of possibly cheating with some Facebook creepers.

 

I think this relationship won’t last much longer to begin with. Hence, don’t announce anything on Facebook. You’ll be sorry later when you have to change your status back to “single”.

  • Like 4
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Her and I have had some trust issues, and her last boyfriend they never became Facebook official, she said that she didn't want people knowing her business. She admitted to me that they both were unhappy and cheated near the end and that she kind of kept him a secret from people cause she was embarrassed of him. (Trust me he's the type of guy that I would of been embarrassed too)

 

she uses social media A LOT and she has a lot of creepy guys messaging her pretty much everyday all day and the first thing all of them point out is "well it says your single." I most likely (probably 99.9%) wouldn't dump her if she said no, it would just worry me a little because of what happened with her last boyfriend.

 

So this is the girl you picked to date? Why?

 

After only 2 months you have:

* Trust issue

* She cheated on her ex (means she has it in her to do it again)

* She dated a man she was embarrassed of, ask yourself why.

* She chats every day with creepy guys. If they come back each day it's because she entertains them enough they think they have a chance.

 

Good luck with this relationship.

 

If I were you I would not want to appear 'in a relationship' with her on FB. I'd let the relationship develop at least 6 months +.

  • Like 4
alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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why don't you wait until you've been together another 2 or 3 months?

Rockdad Established Member

Rockdad

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Facebook has ended up being the bane of many relationships.

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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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Facebook has ended up being the bane of many relationships.

 

indeed....

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Doesn't matter if she puts down "officially in a relationship" on her social media. If she is attractive, guys will always message her, approach her, and hit on her no matter what. It does NOTHING except maybe make you feel secure.

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normal person Established Member

normal person

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Her and I have had some trust issues, and her last boyfriend they never became Facebook official, she said that she didn't want people knowing her business. She admitted to me that they both were unhappy and cheated near the end and that she kind of kept him a secret from people cause she was embarrassed of him.

 

If she's the kind of girl who continues to date people she's unhappy with, cheats on them, keeps secrets about them, and gets embarrassed about them rather than just not dating them, she has some bigger issues and if I were you I'd stay far away from this girl.

 

(Trust me he's the type of guy that I would of been embarrassed too)

 

Why would you want to be with a girl who dates people she's embarrassed by? Sounds like she's got some problems.

 

but anyways I don't want to be a dirty little secret. I'm not trying to show off or anything like "look at me I'm in a relationship." and I know that just cause she does that it isn't going to prevent cheating, but I feel like it'd be a big step in saying that she really does care about me and has strong feelings about me and I'm not just a dirty little secret .

 

Facebook and social media statuses shouldn't be the barometer of, public exhibition of, or preventative cheating measure for, your relationship. That's ludicrous. If you can't trust someone without the need to keep it confirmed by the public eye, one or both of you shouldn't be in the/a relationship.

 

I've been dating a girl for a few months now. We've taken an international vacation together. We haven't bothered to change Facebook relationship statuses or even befriend each other on Facebook because it doesn't matter. If there was any inkling that one of us was cheating or seemed even inclined to, we'd just break up. If you can't date this girl without the public eye constantly confirming that there's no foul play, it sounds like a recipe for disaster from the start, because she has issues to begin with, and for some reason you've decided that they're worth overlooking, and please take no offense, but that says something about your judgment as well.

 

Does this sound like an unreasonable or a silly request?

 

It sounds very "high school" and I think any most mature adult women would think it sounds sort of needy at best, laughably childish and clingy to the point where you lose respectability at worst.

 

If she says no should I just dump her?

 

I don't think you should be with her to begin with. If you ask her this kind of thing you enter down a path where she knows you're insecure and starts to lose respect for you. The more you show you're worried about her commitment to you, the more it seems like you aren't confident enough that you couldn't get anyone else in the event that she did cheat, the less attractive you are to her. Caring more about this Facebook and social media stuff is exactly what you don't want to do. If you show her you care less, it increases your value in her eyes. A guy who won't tolerate any BS to the point where he'll just break up with someone is much more attractive than the guy who's so worried his girlfriend will cheat that he worries about Facebook statuses. And if you're in this position to begin with, you've already lost.

 

Should I just send it on Facebook and see what happens or should I talk to her about it in person? Should I come up with an alternate approach like hide your relationship status on Facebook or just put "In a relationship" with no name? I need opinions I feel like it'd make me feel a little reassured

 

Things shouldn't be this hard. I reiterate, if merely finding an avenue to trust this girl is this difficult, there's a problem. And if you have to rely on Facebook and the public eye to keep things in check, even worse.

 

I won't even get in to the optics of complaining to your adult girlfriend that you aren't "Facebook official," that's a whole other discussion to have. Best of luck.

  • Like 2
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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All the guys who message her on FB....why is this happening? Is her profile set to Public? If so, why hasn't she tightened her settings to Friends? Seems rather odd for someone who doesn't want the world to know her business.

 

In general, people seem to change their FB status when they believe the relationship has long term potential. Nobody wants to be changing their status every few months! I wonder if hiding her status is a better answer for now.

 

As far as the guys messaging her, they are just desperadoes probably messaging anyone they can find. The fact that she's single is not an invitation and they are just being presumptuous. Does she talk to them, ignore then or tell them to go annoy someone else?

 

Also it could be the type of posts she puts out. I'm more of an IG person rather than FB but sure same applies--- if you are putting out provocative photos, it sends the message that you want attention for your looks, sexuality which yeah then guys are gonna try probably. Creeps don't necessarily know that they are creepy. I would actually think that happens much less on FB since your "friends" on there are vetted in theory.

 

Which brings me to the other possibility that perhaps you are exaggerating or overblowing one or a small handful of guys communicating with her in a slightly flirty (or possibly just even friendly) way--and you view them as creeping on her because you don't have the security with her, within yourself or trust built up yet (or maybe you are possessive and see any communication with other guys as an affront). All this and combinations of are possible factors. Just gotta ask yourself what is the real reason that you don't have inherent trust with her? Maybe she does not inspire trust; maybe you are not inclined to trust. That wouldn't change with a status update though.

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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I agree with normal person and should have said it as well. That a girl who TELLS you she was embarrassed of her last bf and thus was hiding the relationship (but still dating him!!) has character issues!!

 

And with regard to the creeper messages are the public or DM's? In either case, if it's posted on her wall, how does she respond to the messages or does she not respond? If she doesn't respond or tries to neutralize the comment, well you can't control what other people put on her wall and it's not her fault that they do really. If it's DM's/private messages, how are you finding out that she is getting creepy messages? Does she tell you? Again, character flaw, she is baiting you to create intrigue and puff up her ego, try to make you jealous and make herself more alluring in the process. Not good.

Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

Posted
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She admitted to me that they both were unhappy and cheated near the end and that she kind of kept him a secret from people cause she was embarrassed of him.

 

 

This takes precedence over the entire remainder of your first post.

 

She keeps this guy around? lol Sure she'll be a faithful girlfriend! (Not)

 

She already telegraphed to you her ability to cheat.

 

Just reread your post and hopefully you will understand that she gave you a snapshot of your official Facebook relationship already...it will go tits up and very quickly.

 

Run screaming into the night from this one. The only thing Official about her is that she officially is a cheater. And she'll do it again if circumstances develop

 

Come on Kid, you can do better than this.

  • Like 2
callmegm Member

callmegm

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To play Devil's advocate here:

 

My ex boyfriend never wanted to put our relationship status as official on Facebook. Said he didn't need to show it off and that he was a private person. We would have pictures that I would tag him in and he would keep it hidden because he doesn't want his private business to be up there for his friends and family to see.

 

We were dating for a year.

 

At the end of that year - I found out that he was laying the groundwork so to speak on to another girl that he has met online. She lives in a different country and he was planning on moving there at the end of that year. It broke my heart but maybe I should have been smarter about it because we did agree from the start that this relationship had an expiration date, and I was the one that fell for him.

 

I just didn't think it was right and proper for him to do that two months before we broke up.

 

So with my husband now, when we were dating - he was the one who asked me to make it Facebook official and it warmed my heart. We're both not the type to plaster all of details on Facebook so people can talk **** about us - but at that time it did feel more secure knowing that he wants people to know that we were dating and that we weren't just goofing around.

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Jlec93 Member

Jlec93

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So I asked and she said no, that she wouldn't do it with anyone that she's private...then said I guess if you really want then that's fine... then I said to her yeh honestly It'd make me feel better. Than she said no again that the inboxes she gets from creepy guys are just way too funny that she doesn't want them to stop....

normal person Established Member

normal person

Posted
Posted
So I asked and she said no, that she wouldn't do it with anyone that she's private...then said I guess if you really want then that's fine... then I said to her yeh honestly It'd make me feel better. Than she said no again that the inboxes she gets from creepy guys are just way too funny that she doesn't want them to stop....

 

Like I said, I think if you can't trust this person to begin with, the relationship is on shaky footing. I'm kind of dumbfounded as to why you'd want to be with someone whose appreciation for you you need a Facebook status to confirm.

 

Now here she is saying she'd rather prioritize the messages she gets from creepy strangers than your desires. Setting aside the fact that you shouldn't be with this girl to begin with, if you continue to stay with her now, it's your own fault.

  • Like 1
Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

Posted
Posted
So I asked and she said no, that she wouldn't do it with anyone that she's private...then said I guess if you really want then that's fine... then I said to her yeh honestly It'd make me feel better. Than she said no again that the inboxes she gets from creepy guys are just way too funny that she doesn't want them to stop....

 

She sounds really immature and untrustworthy. That kind of behavior doesn't make her sound like good girlfriend material at all.

 

Continuing to date her would be a mistake, but that is your decision.

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