Changing Course: Which Way Should I Go?

[jussie]

*Disclaimer: This is a very long post because there is a lot of background info that's key to your answer. Please try your best to read the entire thing before replying. Thanks!

 

I am 33 years old, and I want to get married and have kids. I was born and raised in CA, went to great universities, have a graduate degree, lived abroad for several years, am fluent in a foreign language, and feel that I am a well-rounded, kind person.

 

I recently dumped my boyfriend of 2 years (who is from the same hometown) because 1) he says he doesn't want to get married nor have kids, and 2) we were fighting a lot. When we first started dating, I was living in DC and making a decent salary, which was more than what he was making. About 9 months in, I was fired from my job. I had been living in DC for almost 5 years at that point and was very emotionally exhausted from working in such a stressful environment, but I loved DC aside from working there so I was reluctant to leave. I had always planned on moving back to CA, and my boyfriend convinced me it was a good time to return. I thought a lot about it, considering the possibility of not being able to find a job at the same salary, and agreed with him because I thought we would move in together eventually, which would make up for the potential lower salary. During this time, he got a substantial raise, which I encouraged him to ask his boss for, and was making as much as I was before I got fired.

 

Upon moving back to CA, which ended up costing me a lot (I couldn't sell a lot of my furniture and had to give it away, and the cost of shipping my few belongings was expensive), it took 6 months before I was able to find a job, and it was a $20k paycut for me. During those 6 months, I was living with my dad and working as a temp at a law firm for $15/hr. I did not move in with my boyfriend at that time bc he felt I should get back on my feet first. I was forced to take my current job because there was nothing else coming up, despite all the interviews I landed, and I knew the longer I waited the harder it would be for me to find employment. (It's not like I turned down any jobs bc I felt they didn't pay enough. I was never offered any jobs until my current one.)

 

My job is far away from my dad's house, so I decided to move to the same city as my job to avoid a terrible commute for at least the first year. Otherwise, I would have preferred to continue living with my dad to save money for a down payment (which is what my boyfriend did to buy his house). My job is in an expensive part of CA, so even though I'm paying the same rent as in DC, I'm getting a really crappy apartment. Overall the move back has drastically lowered my quality of life: I had to buy a car, and pay for everything that comes with a car, including parking tickets and citations; traffic is such that I can't go anywhere too far after work bc I start work early in the morning and can't stay out late, so I’m bored most nights; I'm can’t afford to try new restaurants or socialize at bars or go to other cultural events to try to make friends - all due to my salary cut. I never had this problem on my salary in DC, which is equally as expensive (I researched this). This wasn't an issue before the breakup, because I spent most of my time with my boyfriend and he paid for a significant portion of our going out. For example, he would pay for most of our meals out, he had a lot of Hilton points so we never paid for a hotel when traveling, and he is happy to drive wherever we go and never wanted me to pay for gas. But now that he's not in my life, I need to get out and meet people, which is very expensive here. I don't have many friends here, even though I'm native to the region, because I lost touch with them over the past 10 years while living outside of CA, and they've all gotten married and had kids so they don't have time for me anyways.

 

He knew that my job came with a huge a paycut; we're very transparent about this. After I got this job, he ended up getting another raise and now makes about 6 figures, plus some rental income he gets from properties he owns with his mom and sister. After a few months in my job, I asked if I could move in with him so that I could save a lot of money and help him cut down on his expenses too. He said he wasn't comfortable with me living with him because if we got into an argument, he would "have nowhere to go". When we've had arguments in the past, he has literally left just to get away from the discomfort of it all, rather than trying to solve the problem together. Not having anywhere to "escape" to really frightened him, and he could not see any of the benefits of moving in together, especially bc he didn't have as strong a need to save money due to his high salary.

 

After several times of asking to move in and him saying no, we had a frank discussion about our relationship and he told me that he didn't want to get married or have kids. This was a drastic change from what he told me when we first started dating and just before I moved to CA. I never would have moved to CA if it weren't for him. I suspect that he DOES want to get married and have kids, just not with me because he can’t forgive me for the arguments we’ve had in the past, which he feels are all my fault. He is great with kids and babies, and he is a great boyfriend for the most part. He's just bad with communicating, which is a really big "negative,” and I think is the true source of our arguments.

 

Before him, I was dating in DC, which was a horrible experience. But at least I had my salary going for me. I made it a point to date guys who made as much or more than me and could be what I felt was a good financial provider for a family. I was also in my late 20's, which was leverage I no longer have. (My boyfriend eats horribly and never exercises bc he hates it, and I ended up gaining a lot of weight in that relationship. So I don't look as good as I used to, on top of my age.) Also, most guys in DC work for the government, so there's no stigma about that. Here in CA, I've noticed that people don't appreciate the benefits of working in the public sector, and men are more superficial about looks than in DC. I just can't compete unless I go into debt hiring a personal trainer and subscribe to a diet meal plan.

 

I am concerned about how I will find someone to have family with. Not only do I make a low salary, but I also live in a very expensive area; kids are expensive, so obviously I'd like to find a guy who makes a lot to compensate for my low salary. However, I don't have as much leverage to be as picky as I used to be when I was dating in DC: I'm older, I'm 15lb heavier (I'm short, so this is a lot of weight), and I don't make much (so it would be hypocritical to eliminate a guy for not making as much as I would like him to). I had a lot of great financial benefits that came with dating my last boyfriend, and I'm sad that I may not find a guy with the same things, or even in time to have kids naturally. I don't make enough to pay for IVF or adoption, so it is imperative that I beat my biological clock, or finds a guy who makes enough to pay for it comfortably.

 

I'm going on a first date this weekend with a guy I met online who teaches at a public charter high school. We have a lot to talk about with each other, and seem to have similar values and interests. However, I looked up how much he makes, and it's even less than what I make! He also wakes up at 4am and goes to bed at 8pm during the week, so he doesn’t go out except on weekends. He also has a terrible commute to work because he can’t afford to live close to the school, as it’s way more expensive there. I don’t know if his lack of going out is due to his schedule or his finances, but either way I don’t think I could survive even a month like that. After finding all this out, I started thinking really hard about what my goals should be when I'm dating. I'd like to find a guy I get along with better than I did with my last boyfriend (i.e. more interested in politics and history, and less interested in going to bars and getting drunk while watching football), but I also want him to make enough for us to have a comfortable family life, complete with vacations and extracurricular activities for the kids. I've struggled with financial issues in the past, and really hated it. My parents divorced when I was young, and I saw how each of them struggled financially because of it. It was a huge source of stress for them, which made it stressful for me because they didn’t shield me from it like they were supposed to. I make just enough to make ends meet, and not enough to save a lot for retirement or fancy vacations like before, and it’s large source of severe stress now. I don't think I can afford to buy a decent condo without a partner helping me with the down payment or mortgage, and I certainly can’t give my kids the life I had growing up if he doesn’t make a lot more than me. These weren’t things I was too worried about when I was dating my boyfriend and thinking we would end up together.

 

Though things weren’t perfect with my last boyfriend because we lacked some of the same interests, we were able to have an enjoyable life because we had the same values and had similar lifestyles. We went out enough but also enjoyed staying in sometimes, neither of us had crazy commutes or terrible work schedules that took up our free time, we could afford nice vacations a few times a year, etc. Now, I keep matching up with guys who seem nice and have the same interests, but don’t make any money, even though they’re supposed to be in their prime earning years (30s and 40s). I understand that marriage is about finding someone you can make a million tiny decisions with and still get along with them, but it’s hard to overlook the financial aspect when I live in such an expensive area. And what’s the point of finding a guy who’s interested in going to a $60 book tour event with me if he can’t even pay for his own ticket?! Is it selfish of me to want to marry a guy who’s going to make my life easier? I don’t want to struggle like this the rest of my life – not having enough money to go out on nice dates or vacations, not having enough money to buy a decent house together, not having enough money to have kids, not having enough money to help pay for kids activities or their college tuition.

 

I very much want to get back together with my boyfriend, but 1) I’m scared we’ll just have the same problems, and 2) I don’t think he wants to get back together with me anyway. He doesn’t need me the same way I need him. As soon as I got fired and became very stressed out with finding a job, and then stressed out bc my new job didn’t pay as much, I guess I wasn’t fun anymore, so he became very unhappy and couldn’t communicate that to me honestly. He basically waited until things go so bad that I couldn’t stand it anymore, which led to me breaking up with myself. I don’t want to go through that again. I know that if I just gave up the dream of having kids, I probably wouldn’t be so stressed out about finding a “particular” guy anymore. But it’s something I’ve always wanted, and I’m not ready to give up yet.

 

I just want to know what is the best course of action, given what I bring to the table. I don’t have much time left in my biological clock, but I also don’t want to settle for a life of financial struggle. Please help.

Edited January 25, 2018 by jussie

[Versacehottie]

whew. I think i was overwhelmed by your post. You seem to be making a relatively simple situation much more complicated than it is. Simply put, you need to rely on and be responsible for yourself, your decisions, your goals and your future. No guy or his money is going to be able to solve what you put in your post.

 

The first thing I would do if I was in your shoes is decide where you want to live and build your future. If it's CA then commit to CA and the city you are in now and do the hard work to make all the other things you want happen. If it is DC, then look for jobs there and move back. If you are open to which city, then do research to find which will have the best career opportunities for someone like you with a decent cost of living and fun activities for social life. So:

 

A. Literally put yourself on a path--a path to some place. A lot of your issues are compounded because you are not committed to your location and it's clouding how you address your future & goals. Stop blaming and living in the past, take control of your future. Realize it will take time.

 

B. Look for a higher paid job, even things you can do for free that will make you a better candidate. Get creative. My cousin works in social sector-ish in LA, CA and makes a ton of money--especially for that sector. How? She got both her masters and then doctorate and then carved out her own job with a organization that didn't even have her position. Her brother/my other cousin does something social sector too and makes less but has carved out the flexibility to take on other causes that both mean a lot to him & are technically positions so would be valuable should he seek out another better position. (btw, his job/s don't tell his whole financial story as I assume is the same for other guys--you can't take just what you read that someone does on paper and surmise so much from it). The whole point is that opportunity exists if you seek it out and work hard and have some patience.

 

C. Get a side job. Hello uber (make that car payment work for you). Or something not necessarily well-paying or solely for money purposes but that is an investment into your future in your career or other interests. This is also an opportunity for you to meet guys.

 

D. Try to move on mentally from the ex-bf. You're right: i don't think he would want to get back together. More importantly, the only reason i can see that you want to get back together with him (reading between the lines) is that you feel the quality of life financially is better. Terrible reason. Throw in that you are somewhat bitter and resentful that he drew you back to CA and you have baby fever, it's a disaster in the making. Just because you were 1/4 of the way with him doesn't mean that you should give up on finding the right guy (and dad) for you because you are in a rush to have a baby. Approach this issue differently.

 

E. Build your network: both for friends and work. Try new activities where you will make friends. Make the first move to invite someone to do something. Start small and try to grow. Become a more interesting person in the process by having interests and friends. This will help you in all your endeavors. And give you more purpose.

 

F. Listen i get your point of view that you want an equal as a partner. And of course financial is part of that. BUT IMO the way you are researching potential guys on OLD to the depth that you are reviewing their income potential before you have even been on one date is just wrong. It's premature. And ill-advised. And possibly incorrect. And a waste of time. I could say more but hopefully you get it. It still will probably take dating quite a few guys to find the right one. So that's what you should be doing -- start getting yourself out there with a variety of people.

 

G. Break your goals down into smaller steps. Go more day by day. It will help slow down your thoughts--you cannot solve the volume of issues you listed overnight. That said, you need to decide what you want and point yourself in the right direction and then take the first step....and then the second... and so on.

 

Personally on just what you wrote here, I think you should really consider moving back to DC if you enjoyed it there (other than the dating part which i think is just a complaint at the moment because you are frustrated). Guessing that it is the BEST place to find jobs in your career that pay well. And probably like-minded guys. Right now you sound "stuck". In order to unstick yourself, you need to choose a path and start working the path. You sound well-rounded with your accomplishments--I'm sure you can figure this out!

Good luck

[jussie]

Thank you for your thoughtful advice. I never seriously considered moving back to DC because it's very hard to land even an interview if you don't already live there. But I'm so unhappy here that I think I do need to apply to some jobs out there and at least see what happens. I appreciate that you broke down your advice into parts - it does make everything seem less overwhelming.

 

My only concern about moving back to DC is that my parents are here and they are aging faster every year (now in their 60s). I feel like I need to be here in case anything happens to them because I am their only child. I am the only person available to take care of them because they are divorced and neither has remarried. Yes, they have friends around, but they wouldn't be able to provide round-the-clock care if something serious were to happen.

[lurker74]

Interesting story and thank you for taking the time to lay it out clearly. Often not done here at LS. As far as what you should do, first of all, don't get back together with your boyfriend. I know that seems easy (assuming he'd want you back) but down the road whether that's a year or five years, you'll be ready to kill each other. Either you never wanted the same things or things have changed. Compromising on everything because of the biological clock thing is a HUGE recipe for disaster.

 

Next, keep looking for a job. Maybe it's not in your field. Maybe it's for less money but somewhere close to your dad. Maybe you go back to school for something else. Don't pursue your passion because then you're turning your passion into a job but find something you like doing a lot and the interviews get easier.

 

While doing that, get advice on interviews. It seems like you do not interview well.

 

Third (or fourth?), stop lying to yourself. I don't know why you were fired but generally people don't lose a job if they are extremely valuable. Make yourself extremely valuable. Don't lie to yourself that you need a trainer to lose weight. The overall shape of your body (genetics aside) is made in the kitchen. The gym or the sidewalk is for toning and building. The good news is that as you get started it gets easier. And for God's sake, someone wants to marry you and have children. You haven't met him yet but he't out there.

 

Admiral James Stockdale once said (about the Vietnam war):

 

"You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end - which you can never afford to lose - with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they me be."

 

You are the only thing standing in the way of that happiness. Find that job, find that place to live, find that healthy lifestyle, and find the love of your life that will make you look back on this post and smirk about how pessimistic you were being. I don't know you and I already believe you can do that...what will it take for you to believe it?

[Imajerk17]

Man here. I agree w VersaceHottie. There was just a lot of words and the timeline seemed a bit convoluted. I found it hard to follow. These are my Clif Notes of what I took from your Opening Post.

 

1. You lived in DC but lost your job--which I ascertained paid for a decent standard of living.

 

2. You moved back to CA to be with your boyfriend, *without*, it seems, discussing long-term plans, such as moving in together.

 

3. You get a job in CA but it doesn't pay enough and the commute is so long. So for financial/convenience reasons--bad reasons to decide to move in with someone btw--you ask your boyfriend to move in with you. He wisely IMO says no. So you and he break up.

 

4. Now you are back dating. You revealed that meanwhile you have been dating to find a solid financial provider, and now at 33 you are worried about your biological clock running out. This will make many MANY self-respecting men RUN btw. Just as your gender does not want to be used, neither does ours.

 

5. MEanwhile, you would like to get back w your ex-boyfriend, but he does not want to get back with you. Seeing how much you have mentioned his earning on this very thread, that is no surprise at all to me frankly.

 

 

I'm sorry OP but you are in a tough situation. What you are expecting and what you are offering in return is just a tough sell. It is NOT your age nor is it your really wanting kids soon. A woman who is hardly making ends meet herself and who is dating for financial security is just not what most of we men have in mind, sorry. If she has let herself go physically, that doesn't help either.

 

If you really have to stay in CA, then get yourself back into shape, get a better job, get your finances in order, work on yourself and what you have to offer too. I understand easier said than done. But many people are having kids past 40 these days.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Interstellar]

You mentioned you need to lose 15lbs and can’t afford a gym, trainer, or a fancy meal plan. The good news is you don’t need all of those to look and feel great. The bad news is change must come from an honest and sincere place. You need to learn to embrace the trials that will come your way.It will be difficult. There will be times when you just don’t feel like working out or stick to your nutrition plan because you’re tired or “stressed out.” Some of the excuses we tell ourselves are preplanned so we won’t have to do the work ahead. But that’s all it is. They have no meaning.

 

The mind and body are one piece. The mind drags the body upwards. The physical is easy; it’s just picking up weights and putting it back down. The mental and psychological is where it all starts. You have to really want it. You have to be willing to work hard for it. I have no idea what your training history is, or what sports you did when you were younger, or your injury history. Those are something you need to put into consideration when you’re gonna start any training program. You may need to consult a doctor before you start any physical or nutritional program.

 

Now having said that, let’s start with recovery or the mundane stuff which isn’t so mundane; try to get at least 8-10 hours sleep. HGH is produced during sleep. It helps you recover more quickly during and in between workouts. You don’t need those fancy detox teas, plus they cost money. Sleep is the best recovery, preferably in a completely dark room. I think they have blackout curtains for that. Try to start writing down everything you eat for the next two weeks. Bring a tiny notebook with you. Don’t make any sudden changes to your diet. Intensity is the inverse of duration. Do it too soon and you risk failure. Simply write everything you put in your mouth. Now after two weeks and you look at your logs make note of your daily caloric average. Since each of us has different genetics, training needs, or metabolism some have fast, and some have slow we can’t all eat the same because some book or magazine tells us to. However, if you’re trying to lose weight then cut 100-200 calories per day and if you’re trying to gain weight then add 100-200 calories per day. Note what happens for the next two weeks. If you aren’t losing weight then cut another 100-200 calories, if you aren’t gaining weight then add another 100-200 calories.

 

When it comes to food choices the closer to nature the better. The fewer hands that touch your food the better. If you can’t pronounce the ingredient or have no idea what it is then don’t eat it. Anything made in a lab is off limits. Try to have a good balance of carbohydrates, protein, and fat. Roughly or visually, when you close your fist = a serving of protein, Your palm = a serving of carbohydrates, Make two close fist and put them together = a serving of vegetables.

 

You also need to allow the freedom to enjoy yourself once in a while. I don’t mean to crazy but who wants to be miserable and too restricted all the time with their diet? Nobody. Have a cheat meal when you earn it, or a cheat day.

 

Finally, we’re all different. Listen to your body and how you feel. Don’t follow someone’s diet, meal or training program. Some can’t tolerate gluten, some can. Some can eat dairy, and some can’t. Pay attention to your body and how it responds to certain food choices.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Interstellar

[Chilli]

Dunno how but l read most of that because l've had a lot of moving and relationship stuff involving it to so it was kinda interesting.

 

But the one thing struck me all through was money money money.

Well ya reap what ya sew and now the ex is loaded and tables turn.

sorry to say but would've thought there'd be a real life lesson in there , for a lot of the money women out there reading this actually but it's still the same.ol.

 

Why don't you look for the person instead of the wallet. The person will work with you and if your that person too , and build hopefully a life and real relationship together, you'd work with him like any good women would or couple worth shyt do, that's what being a couple is. Having each others back and working together.

But ya have this attitude and look where it got you with the ex thing, but it's still there.

 

l'm sorry about your sitch , been there done that but l do agree with others that you sound kinda entitled especially considering. You have to watch attitudes and good will in life because it has a way of coming back to collect if you don't.

 

On the weight thing , doesn't take money and gyms and trainers, can all be done for free. l did, didn't cost a cent. Ran a few k a few times a week and watched what l ate, weight poured off. 6mths and l was in great shape again.

 

Anyway if you put some good will out into the world and into any men you you meet , you'll hopefully get some back and someone worth settling down with will come along. Forget the ex he's not interested he's all about "his" money too now anyway.

Good luck, things will come together, hang in there.

Edited January 31, 2018 by Chilli

[Versacehottie]

Wow you got some great replies on here. Some of the best I've ever seen on this site.

 

So sorry to hear that you are an only child with aging parents that you are worried about. I'm sure that makes things harder. I did notice though that you are letting it confuse the issue. And speaking of the possibility of moving back to DC you immediately looked for a reason "why not" (why it wouldn't work to try to find a job there (because you are not local for the interview). You need to look for reasons that are "why yes" and "it's possible" to keep faith and find the mental strength to make all the choices and moves you will need to do to turn this thing around and make all the changes you want to make.

 

I've been fortunate to work & know with some very creative and successful people in my life. Overwhelmingly compared to average or more regular people they believe that whatever huge (or small) challenge they are embarking on is possible. They don't really see obstacles as much as the normal person, just the goal. They are not necessarily more talented or more special except often for that very thing, the belief and the ability to start. I'm not saying you need to become an extraordinary person to change your life but it would be smart to adapt some of the things that people do when they are facing a challenge. Believe and start/take action.

 

Currently you sounded really stuck. Because you haven't decided. I can't imagine that in the LA area or SF area that you wouldn't be able to find a worthwhile and decent paying job.

 

I also think that you need to get a purpose because it's hard to get a bf without having "direction" yourself. Somehow i overlooked that you would like to lose 15 pounds. You need to look for the silver lining--the downtime of being bf-less and in transition, in a place without many friends offers you a great opportunity to devote yourself to weight loss vs if you were very busy socially. So take advantage. I agree with tracking your calories. I am very into working out, fitness stuff and you can exercise a lot but eating right is what has you losing weight. Whatever you spend to eat better will be close to what you spend on food now, just help you toward that goal rather than steer you away from it. Meal prep, follow the fitness, health well accounts on social media--there are fitness people who post workouts all the time. For $20 or so, you can buy a book with some good healthy eating ideas--and get the rest for free on the internet. But you have to be passionate and devoted to stick with it--same as with the other stuff you hope to achieve. 15 pounds isn't that much relatively and even half of it will make a big difference in how you carry yourself and look. All this stuff actually builds on each other and helps you firm up who you want to be and get clearer on your choices. Start somewhere.

 

The hardest decision you need to make is the one about living where your family lives or going somewhere else. The rest of this stuff is easy. You have to get excited about the change though rather than scared and frozen about it. One of my favorite things to say is that you want to "be ready" and you want to be the "best you" so that when this person walks into your life you are ready for him and presenting your best self. (btw, that is often not a finished thing but as long as you are moving toward your personal best it often shows by your engagement to your purpose and self.).

Edited January 31, 2018 by Versacehottie

[jussie]

Man here. I agree w VersaceHottie. There was just a lot of words and the timeline seemed a bit convoluted. I found it hard to follow. These are my Clif Notes of what I took from your Opening Post.

 

1. You lived in DC but lost your job--which I ascertained paid for a decent standard of living.

 

2. You moved back to CA to be with your boyfriend, *without*, it seems, discussing long-term plans, such as moving in together.

 

3. You get a job in CA but it doesn't pay enough and the commute is so long. So for financial/convenience reasons--bad reasons to decide to move in with someone btw--you ask your boyfriend to move in with you. He wisely IMO says no. So you and he break up.

 

4. Now you are back dating. You revealed that meanwhile you have been dating to find a solid financial provider, and now at 33 you are worried about your biological clock running out. This will make many MANY self-respecting men RUN btw. Just as your gender does not want to be used, neither does ours.

 

5. MEanwhile, you would like to get back w your ex-boyfriend, but he does not want to get back with you. Seeing how much you have mentioned his earning on this very thread, that is no surprise at all to me frankly.

 

 

I'm sorry OP but you are in a tough situation. What you are expecting and what you are offering in return is just a tough sell. It is NOT your age nor is it your really wanting kids soon. A woman who is hardly making ends meet herself and who is dating for financial security is just not what most of we men have in mind, sorry. If she has let herself go physically, that doesn't help either.

 

If you really have to stay in CA, then get yourself back into shape, get a better job, get your finances in order, work on yourself and what you have to offer too. I understand easier said than done. But many people are having kids past 40 these days.

I appreciate the advice from a man's POV. I wanted to clarify a few things, though I'm not sure it would change your advice for me.

 

First, I did discuss moving in together with my boyfriend before I actually moved to CA. At the time, he said that he wanted me to "get back on my feet" (which I took to mean finding a new job and getting settled into it) before we moved in together. After about 6 months on the new job, I felt I was settled in enough, and that's when I asked him if I could move in with him. If he said he didn't want me to eventually move in with him, I would not have made the move to CA. I think he knew that, so he gave a non-committal answer that left the issue open. I didn't think to question it or force him to agree to a certain deadline (e.g. "You must let me move in with you by 2018" or something ridiculous like that) because I trusted he was telling me the truth. In hindsight, I think he was never going to let me move in with him (due to all the arguing), but he didn't want to tell me because he knew the relationship would end right then and there.

 

Second, moving in with him would actually make my commute longer. Right now, I live 3 miles away from work (pro), but I have to pay my own rent (con). If I were to move into his place, my commute would be about 50 miles each way (con), but I would probably save a lot on rent (pro, but I may end up spending some of the savings on gas).

 

Third, I'm not dating SOLELY to find someone to support me, like a gold-digger or something. A man's financial security is only one characteristic I am looking at, but I didn't discuss the others because I didn't feel they were relevant to my problem. What I was trying to ask everyone is, "Should I take financial security into consideration when I date?" I've heard that one of the top 3 issues people divorce over is money/finances. Given how stressful my own situation is, I think it's fair to not want to take on a partner's financial problems on top of mine. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I were to marry a guy with severe school loan debt, that debt would be mine as well, and if he were to die, I would be stuck paying it. Sorry, but that doesn't sound like fun to me.

 

One of the replies mentioned something about finding a partner that will work together with you regardless of how much money either of you make. I would agree wholeheartedly if I were in my early 20's. I think it's normal to get together with someone at that age and build wealth together by living below your means. It's a shame that more men aren't willing to marry in their 20s, and feel like they must reach a certain level of success before they are ready to settle down. But now in my 30's I am really beyond that kind of penny-pinching lifestyle. For example, when I travel, I don't want to be staying in hostels - I did that throughout my 20's and it was fun at the time, but I'm done with that. Same with living with roommates.

 

What may be getting lost in all this is that I was used to making a certain amount of money and living a certain lifestyle. Being "downgraded" to a tighter budget has been a very tough adjustment. I don't think that makes me entitled or spoiled. I think I had/have a normal reaction to such a change in my life. A $20k paycut isn't chump change, even in an expensive place like CA. My finances are in order (I pay my credit card in full every month) and I'm not scrambling to pay bills on time. But neither am I willy-nilly spending money. For example, at my old salary level, I used to go out to lunch and dinner often, and I'd pay without worrying about how much it was. Now, I have to limit when I can eat out, and I have to check their menu online to see how expensive it is. Maybe this is normal for a lot of people, but not for me. I worked hard throughout my life so that I wouldn't have to live like that, so I'm pretty upset that I am right back where I started 5 years later.

[jussie]

Wow you got some great replies on here. Some of the best I've ever seen on this site.

 

So sorry to hear that you are an only child with aging parents that you are worried about. I'm sure that makes things harder. I did notice though that you are letting it confuse the issue. And speaking of the possibility of moving back to DC you immediately looked for a reason "why not" (why it wouldn't work to try to find a job there (because you are not local for the interview). You need to look for reasons that are "why yes" and "it's possible" to keep faith and find the mental strength to make all the choices and moves you will need to do to turn this thing around and make all the changes you want to make.

 

I've been fortunate to work & know with some very creative and successful people in my life. Overwhelmingly compared to average or more regular people they believe that whatever huge (or small) challenge they are embarking on is possible. They don't really see obstacles as much as the normal person, just the goal. They are not necessarily more talented or more special except often for that very thing, the belief and the ability to start. I'm not saying you need to become an extraordinary person to change your life but it would be smart to adapt some of the things that people do when they are facing a challenge. Believe and start/take action.

 

Currently you sounded really stuck. Because you haven't decided. I can't imagine that in the LA area or SF area that you wouldn't be able to find a worthwhile and decent paying job.

 

I also think that you need to get a purpose because it's hard to get a bf without having "direction" yourself. Somehow i overlooked that you would like to lose 15 pounds. You need to look for the silver lining--the downtime of being bf-less and in transition, in a place without many friends offers you a great opportunity to devote yourself to weight loss vs if you were very busy socially. So take advantage. I agree with tracking your calories. I am very into working out, fitness stuff and you can exercise a lot but eating right is what has you losing weight. Whatever you spend to eat better will be close to what you spend on food now, just help you toward that goal rather than steer you away from it. Meal prep, follow the fitness, health well accounts on social media--there are fitness people who post workouts all the time. For $20 or so, you can buy a book with some good healthy eating ideas--and get the rest for free on the internet. But you have to be passionate and devoted to stick with it--same as with the other stuff you hope to achieve. 15 pounds isn't that much relatively and even half of it will make a big difference in how you carry yourself and look. All this stuff actually builds on each other and helps you firm up who you want to be and get clearer on your choices. Start somewhere.

 

The hardest decision you need to make is the one about living where your family lives or going somewhere else. The rest of this stuff is easy. You have to get excited about the change though rather than scared and frozen about it. One of my favorite things to say is that you want to "be ready" and you want to be the "best you" so that when this person walks into your life you are ready for him and presenting your best self. (btw, that is often not a finished thing but as long as you are moving toward your personal best it often shows by your engagement to your purpose and self.).

You're right - I am definitely paralyzed right now because I have no idea what to do. I like your idea of taking this "alone time" to focus on myself and losing the weight.

[SevenCity]

I appreciate the advice from a man's POV. I wanted to clarify a few things, though I'm not sure it would change your advice for me.

 

First, I did discuss moving in together with my boyfriend before I actually moved to CA. At the time, he said that he wanted me to "get back on my feet" (which I took to mean finding a new job and getting settled into it) before we moved in together. After about 6 months on the new job, I felt I was settled in enough, and that's when I asked him if I could move in with him. If he said he didn't want me to eventually move in with him, I would not have made the move to CA. I think he knew that, so he gave a non-committal answer that left the issue open. I didn't think to question it or force him to agree to a certain deadline (e.g. "You must let me move in with you by 2018" or something ridiculous like that) because I trusted he was telling me the truth. In hindsight, I think he was never going to let me move in with him (due to all the arguing), but he didn't want to tell me because he knew the relationship would end right then and there.

 

Second, moving in with him would actually make my commute longer. Right now, I live 3 miles away from work (pro), but I have to pay my own rent (con). If I were to move into his place, my commute would be about 50 miles each way (con), but I would probably save a lot on rent (pro, but I may end up spending some of the savings on gas).

 

Third, I'm not dating SOLELY to find someone to support me, like a gold-digger or something. A man's financial security is only one characteristic I am looking at, but I didn't discuss the others because I didn't feel they were relevant to my problem. What I was trying to ask everyone is, "Should I take financial security into consideration when I date?" I've heard that one of the top 3 issues people divorce over is money/finances. Given how stressful my own situation is, I think it's fair to not want to take on a partner's financial problems on top of mine. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I were to marry a guy with severe school loan debt, that debt would be mine as well, and if he were to die, I would be stuck paying it. Sorry, but that doesn't sound like fun to me.

 

One of the replies mentioned something about finding a partner that will work together with you regardless of how much money either of you make. I would agree wholeheartedly if I were in my early 20's. I think it's normal to get together with someone at that age and build wealth together by living below your means. It's a shame that more men aren't willing to marry in their 20s, and feel like they must reach a certain level of success before they are ready to settle down. But now in my 30's I am really beyond that kind of penny-pinching lifestyle. For example, when I travel, I don't want to be staying in hostels - I did that throughout my 20's and it was fun at the time, but I'm done with that. Same with living with roommates.

 

What may be getting lost in all this is that I was used to making a certain amount of money and living a certain lifestyle. Being "downgraded" to a tighter budget has been a very tough adjustment. I don't think that makes me entitled or spoiled. I think I had/have a normal reaction to such a change in my life. A $20k paycut isn't chump change, even in an expensive place like CA. My finances are in order (I pay my credit card in full every month) and I'm not scrambling to pay bills on time. But neither am I willy-nilly spending money. For example, at my old salary level, I used to go out to lunch and dinner often, and I'd pay without worrying about how much it was. Now, I have to limit when I can eat out, and I have to check their menu online to see how expensive it is. Maybe this is normal for a lot of people, but not for me. I worked hard throughout my life so that I wouldn't have to live like that, so I'm pretty upset that I am right back where I started 5 years later.

 

I appreciate your candor. However, you most certainly do come across as a gold digger....or gold digger plus (money isn't enough). Most women who research a potential date do so to make sure he is safe or single. I've never heard a woman say she researched his income! Love the Internet.

 

I get wanting to find someone who is a financial equal, but to have expectations the guy is going to pull you out of your financial funk is a game for hot young women.

 

You also have to take a look at your views on money. You mentioned you never had to worry about the cost of going out to eat because you made enough and never want to be one of "those people". Here's some food for thought - if you saved your money rather than frivolously spending it you would be in a much better financial decision.

 

Sure, if you've got Wareen Buffett money live it up forever. But as an average working person, you have to be smart and realize you can lose your job at any time. I lost my job years ago and had to take a paycut (far more than $20k but I was prob making more) after being unemployed for 6 months. Luckily, I had been smart enough to keep my expenses low and had money in the bank to carry me through through. I'm back to my old salary after 5 years but my spending has not changed so I am able to save more. And I still look at how much a potential place costs.

 

Even if this future male ATM machine manically shows up in your life, he can lose his job as well (or get injured/sick and be unable to work).

 

Best advice I can give you is to find someone you love. Everything else will fall into place.

[Noproblem]

All you talk is about money money money money money.

 

 

Seriously,

 

I gained weight while I was studying

 

I am losing it now, I am working hard to lose it, no excuses

 

2 months ago I looked 5 years older, now I am looking healthy and younger again!

 

 

 

 

You don't like CA, go back to DC which is a better place in my opinion. Or go to New York.

 

You don't like how you look, just lose these extra pounds.

 

 

Simple solutions, don't make a big problem out of it.

 

Why were you fired?

 

Also, you are 33, not a 93

 

You are still young and desirable if you work on your body and your appearance.

 

But whatever you do won't work unless you change your mindset and your worry about money this and money that!

 

 

Get a fitbit track and download the app, add people and start walking and joining challanges.

Edited February 1, 2018 by Noproblem

[Versacehottie]

. But neither am I willy-nilly spending money. For example, at my old salary level, I used to go out to lunch and dinner often, and I'd pay without worrying about how much it was. Now, I have to limit when I can eat out, and I have to check their menu online to see how expensive it is. Maybe this is normal for a lot of people, but not for me. I worked hard throughout my life so that I wouldn't have to live like that, so I'm pretty upset that I am right back where I started 5 years later.

 

With all due respect (and trust me I love nice things and experiences), to me, what you said about your finances is fine and wanting to conduct your financial life a certain way because of limitations now/frustrations about that/being responsible. In no way, should you be co-mingling these circumstances and dilemmas with your search to find a guy. Fair to want someone responsible with money as it is something you hold in high value--but to "lessen your load now as a girlfriend" is not cool and will not lead you to make the right choices. These are separate issues. Later when you are living together/married, sure you load 'might' be lighten and sure I don't thnk you have to take on his previous debt (you can have a pre-nup for that of course since this matters to you). However, as a girlfriend, i don't think you should have any expectation of a boyfriend offsetting the expenses you have to socialize. I think a lot of guys will sense that vibe about you and will be offended & it really isn't fair. Many might give and share willingly but you shouldn't expect them too. In each post you have made, I do feel like the vibe you are putting out is that you want/expect/look forward to a boyfriend for this reason. That is why most aren't reacting well to that. No one likes to be used--even if that isn't your sole reason, having it as any part of the reason just doesn't sit well with people and is transparent. I might expect that from a classic gold digger type but from someone who works in social work, sounds educated, why would you look to a guy to "bail you out of your current situation" even a little bit?

 

You can't really have it both ways (expecting a bf to front most of your social activities) yet being adamant that you not take on any of his debt etc. Of course why would you take on any of anyone's debt? Than why expect a guy to take on yours---which comes in many forms, i.e. in this case wanting to live beyond your means. That is exactly why I recommended that you increase your means and take full responsibility with no expectations of depending on anyone but yourself.

[winny]

This is a big whining post.

If you are overweight then go and exercise and eat a balanced diet. You don't need money for that.

If your current skills are not getting you a higher salary then make a plan on how to improve your skills. Keep looking for jobs. Build a network on LinkedIn. Doesn't cost money.

And most important, STOP LOOKING FOR A MAN TO MAKE YOU FINANCIALLY SECURE AND PAY FOR VACATIONS AND EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES OF YOUR KIDS WHO DON'T EVEN EXIST.

[heavenonearth]

You come across as very desperate and whiny.

 

1. Life is not about money. Money sucks. Everyone has to deal with it. Not just you. But it’s not what life is about. Stop thinking about money. Live modestly. Enjoy the little things. Gently reach higher goals but try not to think about money as your way to happiness. It’s not. And it never will be.

 

2. Have you ever been in love? I am asking this because you just sound like an Android who has no real human emotions. I never heard someone who’s experienced love before talk so emotionless about finding a new partner. You don’t talk about love at all. Not once. Generally, people seem to want to find someone who loves them and who they love. Everything else falls into place.

 

3. 15 pounds my ass. I was on antidepressants for over a year. I gained 45 pounds. I was overweight for the first time in my life at age 29. I felt so ****ty about myself. When i stopped the meds i lost few pounds on my own - i needed to put in hard work. Guess what - i lost 30 pounds in just one year. I am still not back at my goal weight but i am taking it slow now - a few pounds more shouldn’t scare away the right guy, anyway. If a guy loves you then he will love you. But first and foremost you want to feel good about yourself - so do something for it! Eat clean. Go running twice a week. You will see changes.

Plant based is the way to go!

 

4. Home is where the heart is. Think of your happiness first - not someone else’s. Try to think positively and not about what is not possible when weighing your options. I find it much more important to do something you love doing than move to some place bc of someone else’s needs. If you do something you love and if you love yourself, it pretty much doesn’t matter where you settle.

Oh for foxes sake - why settle anyway!! ??? You don’t need to settle yet. Be in whatever place you want to be. You are only 33!!!! If you meet Mr right in 2 years you still have a few years left to build a family. Don’t rush yourself.

 

I don’t know what else to address at this point but i hope you get the gist.

[Jj66]

Ok. Come marry me. I have a big house in a respectable neighborhood in an area with decent a social scene. It's not CA, NY or D.C. But the low cost affords me a very high standard of living. Providing for you and your kids wouldn't be a problem. I could afford to have two or three families if I wanted to.

 

I expect some things in return. You'd have to meet every sexual whim that might have. I'd also expect you to cook and clean and do my laundry. Manage my social calendar. Entertain my friends and associates at dinner parties. Oh yes, and tolerate extra marital affairs whenever I get a hankering for some strange. And please lose the weight. I don't care about it myself, but do care what other people think.

 

Interested?

[Jj66]

In (almost) all seriousness, maybe you and my friend Brian should get together.

 

He is mid 40s and never married. Now he really wants to get married and have children. The problem is that women his age that he meets already have children and aren't interested in or even capable of having more. He's also not keen on signing up to be dad to another man's children which is often the case when dating divorcees.

 

I told him he needs to target women who have just turned 30 with their biological clocks at full tick. I told him 30 and not 35 because that way they wouldn't feel pressured to have children right out of the gate. Your age of 33 might work.

 

He isn't particularly handsome but makes a handsome income. He isn't tall and is going bald so I'm sure he'd be quite willing to overlook your minor imperfections.

 

Maybe you should be mining for men like Brian? They exist.

Edited February 1, 2018 by Jj66