ExposedBrick Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 (edited) I’ve been dating this woman for about 5 weeks. Things seem to be going well overall. I hung out with her Saturday night, we had sex for the first time and she invited me to a bday brunch where I met many of her friends the next day, her friends seem to really like me. Despite those being good signs, I feel like I’m having to put too much effort into seeing her. From what I gather, she seems to work long hours and plans lots of social activities with her friends. I really like that she is social since I am too. I think she is legitimately a busy person. I’m a more spontaneous person though and don’t usually make lots of plans ahead of time. She is very poor at communicating with me in between dates also, which is starting to annoy me. I will text her but she often doesn’t respond back for very long stretches of time, 5-12 hours. I have initiated all of our dates so far, which has been 6. When I tried to plan something this week, she had plans every night and her family is coming to visit over the weekend. She apologized about scheduling issues but didn’t offer a time next week. I was trying to cut her some slack since it was her bday this week. I guess I’m just frustrated with the lack of communication and seeming like I’m not a priority. I thought about just not texting her for a day or two just to see if she reaches out to me at all. I’d hate to be passive aggressive like that but I don’t like when things feel imbalanced. I’m not a heavy texter myself, several women have complained to me about not texting them enough. I don’t want to be awkward about confronting the lack of communication, any thoughts on this? Is it too early for this to be a concern? Am I just being needy? Edited January 25, 2018 by ExposedBrick
lovephule Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I don't think you're being needy but the differing styles spell trouble down the road if you're not wIlling to adjust. In my personal experience it's been a gross mismatch.
CptInsano Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Stop initiating dates and you'll have your answer. It may not be the answer you want, but at least you'll have an answer. Unfortunately you have only dated for 5 weeks, and it seems very casually, so it is too early for a relationship talk. 2
Interstellar Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I’ve been dating this woman for about 5 weeks. Things seem to be going well overall. I hung out with her Saturday night, we had sex for the first time and she invited me to a bday brunch where I met many of her friends the next day, her friends seem to really like me. Despite those being good signs, I feel like I’m having to put too much effort into seeing her. From what I gather, she seems to work long hours and plans lots of social activities with her friends. I really like that she is social since I am too. I think she is legitimately a busy person. I’m a more spontaneous person though and don’t usually make lots of plans ahead of time. She is very poor at communicating with me in between dates also, which is starting to annoy me. I will text her but she often doesn’t respond back for very long stretches of time, 5-12 hours. I have initiated all of our dates so far, which has been 6. When I tried to plan something this week, she had plans every night and her family is coming to visit over the weekend. She apologized about scheduling issues but didn’t offer a time next week. I was trying to cut her some slack since it was her bday this week. I guess I’m just frustrated with the lack of communication and seeming like I’m not a priority. I thought about just not texting her for a day or two just to see if she reaches out to me at all. I’d hate to be passive aggressive like that but I don’t like when things feel imbalanced. I’m not a heavy texter myself, several women have complained to me about not texting them enough. I don’t want to be awkward about confronting the lack of communication, any thoughts on this? Is it too early for this to be a concern? Am I just being needy? You should schedule the date 5-9 days ahead. If you saw her Monday last then ask her out for a Tuesday the week after, if she’s working then Wednesday if she’s off that day. You get the idea. If she waits five to twelve hours that’s alright. It’s a good thing that she’s not a heavy texter. You slept with her too soon though.
clia Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 If she's a busy person working long hours and doing lots of social activities, then her taking hours to respond to a text seems expected, since she is doing other things and likely not attached to her phone. I rarely pay attention to my cell phone during the work day, and typically don't even take it out of my purse if I am out with friends. Maybe she's the same way. Also, if she is a planner, you should know that spontaneous activities usually aren't going to work for her because her calendar will already be full. She's only known you 5 weeks, so you can hardly expect to be much a priority yet. Maybe she's had her plans this week set for ages, before she ever met you, and you can't do much if she has family visiting for the weekend. But you should know that you need to plan things more in advance with her if you want to see her. I expect over time she will make more time for you. But this may be a point of incompatibility that won't work for the two of you long term. If you feel like you are putting too much effort in, then by all means pull back. I do agree that after five weeks it is probably time for her to initiate a date with you.
grassisorisntgreener Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Stop initiating dates and you'll have your answer. It may not be the answer you want, but at least you'll have an answer. Unfortunately you have only dated for 5 weeks, and it seems very casually, so it is too early for a relationship talk. I agree with this.
KBob Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 You slept with her too soon though. Five dates and five weeks is too soon? Are you from Saudi Arabia? 4
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 (edited) I get it...she has no focus on you. It's how she is, and I had dated a guy like this too. Almost no communication, and I felt I was just an accessory rather than someone they are dating. I dumped him because that part of a relationship is important too me. There was no way to develop an emotional connection. You are not being needy, you have an expectation and she doesn't fulfill that. You are not compatible. Edited January 25, 2018 by smackie9
Author ExposedBrick Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 I get it...she has no focus on you. It's how she is, and I had dated a guy like this too. Almost no communication, and I felt I was just an accessory rather than someone they are dating. I dumped him because that part of a relationship is important too me. There was no way to develop an emotional connection. You are not being needy, you have an expectation and she doesn't fulfill that. You are not compatible. It’s hard to know what she could be thinking or not thinking. We started dating just before the holidays so things were a bit splintered initially. Then, she went out of town for a weekend, and I got a nasty cold, which led to a 10 day gap. This could all be somewhat circumstantial, it’s hard to know with such little data. I’m trying to be understanding as I really like her and things have been great when we are together. At the same time, I want to respect my own needs for some meaningful communication/connection. In many of her communications, it seems obvious she is rushed in her replies and doesn’t put much of any thought into them. I’m a little confused if I should stop initiating things or not. Clearly, she is making time to see other people in her life, but maybe she doesn’t initiate things with them either. I have been initiating things quickly after each date, so I guess she really hasn’t had much of an opportunity to. If I stop contacting her, it would disrupt the flow of me taking the lead, so not sure if it’s a good strategy.
Author ExposedBrick Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 Stop initiating dates and you'll have your answer. It may not be the answer you want, but at least you'll have an answer. Unfortunately you have only dated for 5 weeks, and it seems very casually, so it is too early for a relationship talk. When do you think exclusivity/relationship y’all should occur then? I mean we had sex and I met her friends, so it’s kind of in between casual and serious. I guess what I am seeking is a way to inquire about her lifestyle/scheduling habits/communication without being overly confrontational?
CptInsano Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 When do you think exclusivity/relationship y’all should occur then? I mean we had sex and I met her friends, so it’s kind of in between casual and serious. Okay, but it doesn't change that you're still in the very early stages of a relationship. This may mean something or not at all. I guess what I am seeking is a way to inquire about her lifestyle/scheduling habits/communication without being overly confrontational? There really isn't. It's not that you need to find out her lifestyle or her schedule, the key issue is that she doesn't schedule dates. Unless she takes initiative your position will not change. It's a question of priority not schedule.
Author ExposedBrick Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 (edited) Okay, but it doesn't change that you're still in the very early stages of a relationship. This may mean something or not at all. There really isn't. It's not that you need to find out her lifestyle or her schedule, the key issue is that she doesn't schedule dates. Unless she takes initiative your position will not change. It's a question of priority not schedule. In her last message she apologized for being so busy/scheduling difficulties but didn’t suggest another time she would be free. If I say something like.” Have fun with your family, let me know if you want to do something next week.” Would that make it clear that I will not be putting forth any additional effort without some input/initiation from her? What should/could I say in this scenario? I don’t want to axe things but do want to let her know If I ever see her again, I will def ask her if this is a normal level of business for her/talk to her more about how she operates. Edited January 25, 2018 by ExposedBrick
preraph Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Working adults have to budget their time. They can't give in to returning texts all day from everyone. My best friend texts back when she's got time to relax and enjoy it and not before. It could be a week. i get it because I'm busy too. Don't be testing people about texting. If a person is accepting dates and you're having fun on the date, that's all you should worry about.
CptInsano Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 In her last message she apologized for being so busy/scheduling difficulties but didn’t suggest another time she would be free. If I say something like.” Have fun with your family, let me know if you want to do something next week.” Would that make it clear that I will not be putting forth any additional effort without some input/initiation from her? No, that doesn't clear up anything. You have arrange every date, so your interest should be obvious. Go NC and see if she has any interest left. It's not you who needs to do or say something, she does. Her canceling the date and not asking for another one seems like a sign of disinterest to me.
bachdude Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Personally, I think you have made yourself way too available in the early stages of dating. I hate to seem like I am advocating game playing, but back off a bit. To recap what others have said and to add my own... Don’t ask her out right after the date. Ask her out in plentry of time. This would be my specific plan of action... Wait to ask her out at least a week and a half. If she can’t make the date and doesn’t counter offer, don’t offer another date. The ball is in her court. Be strong on this. Basically, you are spoiling her making yourself so available and she will get bored. She thinks, “oh, it’s ok because he’ll still be here waiting like a puppy dog for me when my schedule clears up”. And that, bro, will look weak. A man who looks weak is headed toward the friend zone, every dang time. She’s either interested in you she is not. A woman who is taken with you will clear her schedule to see you. A woman who is keeping you around until her dream man comes along will not. Don’t be a puppy dog.
Author ExposedBrick Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 No, that doesn't clear up anything. You have arrange every date, so your interest should be obvious. Go NC and see if she has any interest left. It's not you who needs to do or say something, she does. Her canceling the date and not asking for another one seems like a sign of disinterest to me. She didn’t cancel any dates. She just declined for some other plans she had already made. Overall, I think things are going well.
olivetree Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 She didn’t cancel any dates. She just declined for some other plans she had already made. Overall, I think things are going well. She didn't offer another time she is available though? I dunno, it's either low interest or she sucks at communicating and is letting you do all the work. I'd let her step up, and if she doesn't, you could say you'd like to hear from her more or even for her to take initiative sometimes. And if THAT doesn't work, chalk it up to incompatibility.
dumbass2 Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I agree with above that you are making yourself too available. Stop asking her out and start to mirror her texting. She has to show a little more interest or she's just not that in to you. She should be excited to want to see you again and make you more of a priority or she should know that she could lose you to someone else before you even get a chance to see how things go.
Author ExposedBrick Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 She’s either interested in you she is not. A woman who is taken with you will clear her schedule to see you. A woman who is keeping you around until her dream man comes along will not. I agree with this. However, I don’t engage in games, don’t have the time for it. Being direct and showing obvious interest gets you a reaction/polarizes the person, positive or negative, which is all I want. I don’t care if it’s positive or negative polarization, just try to get to the bottom of it quickly and move on when needed. Things are going well overall, but everyone has their own style.
Author ExposedBrick Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 I agree with above that you are making yourself too available. Stop asking her out and start to mirror her texting. She has to show a little more interest or she's just not that in to you. She should be excited to want to see you again and make you more of a priority or she should know that she could lose you to someone else before you even get a chance to see how things go. I am actually considering dating some other people during the mean time, even though it’s not usually my style. I feel like I could date two or three women like this simultaneously.
lovephule Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I am actually considering dating some other people during the mean time, even though it’s not usually my style. I feel like I could date two or three women like this simultaneously. How would you feel if she was fine with this indefinitely?
Recommended Posts