Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 Why do you think he would only see you once a week? It's great that you're willing to compromise for the relationship because I wouldn't be able to do it were I in your shoes. We live in different cities, I study full time and he works full time, so we usually only get to see each other on weekends. Sometimes an additional day in the week. The only reason I would be able to compromise, is because I know we are supposed to be together, we are a very good match and we both are madly in love with each other.
lana-banana Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 It's not too early to talk about your long-term future. In my last relationship, in the beginning he said he was "terrified of marriage" but at six months had started talking about our wedding, so I wasn't sure how he felt. At the nine month mark we had a talk and decided we were either eventually going to get married or break up; none of this cohabiting forever stuff. (Spoiler alert: we got married.) Based on your threads it sounds like this man is still reeling from the end of his last relationship and it's affecting the way he treats you, even though he obviously cares for you a lot. You need to sit down and hash things out. It doesn't mean committing to anything immediately, just agreeing on what a future together will look like. If he is truly sincere about wanting children with you but not ever living together, that's going to require a lot of coordinating. I can't fault his gift giving though. Staub makes magnificent cookware. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 It's not too early to talk about your long-term future. In my last relationship, in the beginning he said he was "terrified of marriage" but at six months had started talking about our wedding, so I wasn't sure how he felt. At the nine month mark we had a talk and decided we were either eventually going to get married or break up; none of this cohabiting forever stuff. (Spoiler alert: we got married.) Based on your threads it sounds like this man is still reeling from the end of his last relationship and it's affecting the way he treats you, even though he obviously cares for you a lot. You need to sit down and hash things out. It doesn't mean committing to anything immediately, just agreeing on what a future together will look like. If he is truly sincere about wanting children with you but not ever living together, that's going to require a lot of coordinating. I can't fault his gift giving though. Staub makes magnificent cookware. I have thought about bringing it up, but to be honest, every time in our relationship when I felt like bringing up something as I did in past relationships, i got reminded how it always backfired in the past. So I wouldn't mention it to my boyfriend and just wait. And eventually he came around. Like with the 'i love you' and the 'can i be your boyfriend' talks. I notice, when I bring things up, he feels pressured, so I wait it out until it comes 'from him' instead of me. He has been in relationships most of his life, he obviously likes being in them. But he also has been in a very toxic relationship in the past, and I want to give him enough time to heal and I want to just make him happy and show him how easy and simple love can be. So far so good, we are doing great. I don't want to wreck it by making him think he needs to feel unfree with me, like he did in his past relationship. I think what he likes about me especially is my independence and my free-spirited demeanor.
FilterCoffee Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 We live in different cities, I study full time and he works full time, so we usually only get to see each other on weekends. Sometimes an additional day in the week. The only reason I would be able to compromise, is because I know we are supposed to be together, we are a very good match and we both are madly in love with each other. That's nice but I would give it more thought. Will the 2 of you at least live in the same country? If not, then your child will most likely live with you and he would come home on weekends. I don't think this arrangement would be fair to you or the child.
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 That's nice but I would give it more thought. Will the 2 of you at least live in the same country? If not, then your child will most likely live with you and he would come home on weekends. I don't think this arrangement would be fair to you or the child. Yes we live in the same country. I only will stay here because of him. I was to leave in the summer to go back to my home country.
Interstellar Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 (edited) It’s amazing how a simple cooking pot gift turned into an analysis of the future of the relationship altogether. You’re not one year into the relationship I’m assuming. I just glanced through some of the posts. Maybe he sees a future with you cooking for him in the comfort of your home? ever thought of that? with the stomach being the quickest way to a man’s heart and all that. I’m a guy so that’s how I interpret it. Edited January 25, 2018 by Interstellar
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 It’s amazing how a simple cooking pot gift turned into an analysis of the future of the relationship altogether. You’re not one year into the relationship I’m assuming. I just glanced through some of the posts. Maybe he sees a future with you cooking for him in the comfort of your home? ever thought of that? with the stomach being the quickest way to a man’s heart and all that. I’m a guy so that’s how I interpret it. Thanks, that is a bit of a better way of looking at it! 1
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 He bought you the pit because he thought you'd like it. period. It was not a referendum on your relationship. As others have pointed out, his words are far more powerful. He did say he'd talk about it again in 2 years. Why not wait until you have graduated from school to revisit the issue? At that point you will have your degree & you will be in the process of making decisions about where to go work. Your geographic location will need to be discussed at this point. For now, make him a nice meal in the pot & carry on. 4
FilterCoffee Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Yes we live in the same country. I only will stay here because of him. I was to leave in the summer to go back to my home country. Oh alright. You're being really understanding which is sweet. My advice is don't expect him to change because that would just make you disappointed. Take care OP
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 He bought you the pit because he thought you'd like it. period. It was not a referendum on your relationship. As others have pointed out, his words are far more powerful. He did say he'd talk about it again in 2 years. Why not wait until you have graduated from school to revisit the issue? At that point you will have your degree & you will be in the process of making decisions about where to go work. Your geographic location will need to be discussed at this point. For now, make him a nice meal in the pot & carry on. I think that is a sensible thought. I don't know why I always think too much into the future. I have always been like that. I have trouble just enjoying the moment.
Interstellar Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I think that is a sensible thought. I don't know why I always think too much into the future. I have always been like that. I have trouble just enjoying the moment. That’s okay.
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 That’s okay. I don't know, sometimes it keeps me from actually having a good time in the here and now, and appreciate what I have now.
Interstellar Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I don't know, sometimes it keeps me from actually having a good time in the here and now, and appreciate what I have now. You can be the most insecure person on the planet but if you’re not bringing it up every day, every five minutes, week after week, month after month to your partner then the relationship should be great. From a male perspective, plenty of guys are but they don’t bring it up to their partner at all. Because they’re smart enough to know that this is what slowly kills relationships. If you turn your partner into your therapist or your mother/father. There are professionals who handle this sort of thing anyway.
preraph Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 It's not really reasonable to expect him to be ready to move in and take that into consideration every time a holiday rolls around. Clearly, he doesn't know yet if this is going to be long-term, but he's bought you a very thoughtful present. It would be very unfair of you to corner him over this. So he's not ready right now. Everyone has to move at their own pace. He may or may not ever be ready, but making a big deal over this gift would be unfair. You don't know. Maybe he wants a second one himself because he likes the first one so much. I would say wait six months and see if you think there's been forward movement. But don't try to have the talk until you're at least a year into the relationship because no one with any sense would even consider moving in sooner than that. Really, it takes longer than that to get to know someone enough to mix your life with theirs and not have regrets about it, and it's best done legally. Also, don't know how old you are. If he's under 30, he's probably not anywhere near ready to nest. 1
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I think that is a sensible thought. I don't know why I always think too much into the future. I have always been like that. I have trouble just enjoying the moment. Remember, he was living for years with his ex, he's been there and done that and he's not in a rush to go back. You are younger and looking forward to experience it. Because your school isn't done yet, because you are young and starting at life I think it's up to you to compromise and be patient. You need to live a little more in the moment and enjoy every bit of it. There are plenty of time in front of you to embark on a life together and face the trials that come with it. After 1 year dating I was ready for my bf to move in. Even though we can't imagine a life without each other he felt it was rushing things AND he said something about living together ruins relationships. I decided to not rock the boat and to let it unfold naturally because *I believe in his love for me*. Fast forward another year, we've been dating 2 years now, suddenly he starts saying things like when we live together I would like...see?.... OH and each time I go to his place and I see something cool in his kitchen he buys me the same one, it means nothing don't worry :-) 1
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 It's not really reasonable to expect him to be ready to move in and take that into consideration every time a holiday rolls around. Clearly, he doesn't know yet if this is going to be long-term, but he's bought you a very thoughtful present. It would be very unfair of you to corner him over this. So he's not ready right now. Everyone has to move at their own pace. He may or may not ever be ready, but making a big deal over this gift would be unfair. You don't know. Maybe he wants a second one himself because he likes the first one so much. I would say wait six months and see if you think there's been forward movement. But don't try to have the talk until you're at least a year into the relationship because no one with any sense would even consider moving in sooner than that. Really, it takes longer than that to get to know someone enough to mix your life with theirs and not have regrets about it, and it's best done legally. Also, don't know how old you are. If he's under 30, he's probably not anywhere near ready to nest. 1. I do not expect him to move in. I don't know where I said that. 2. I think he knows it is going to be long-term, he has told me several times he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. 3. I never cornered him over this. 4. I am not ready right now either. I just know I will be eventually. 5. I am certainly waiting it out, and when the issue will be brought up, it won't be me who will do so. 6. I am 30 and he is 38.
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 Remember, he was living for years with his ex, he's been there and done that and he's not in a rush to go back. You are younger and looking forward to experience it. Because your school isn't done yet, because you are young and starting at life I think it's up to you to compromise and be patient. You need to live a little more in the moment and enjoy every bit of it. There are plenty of time in front of you to embark on a life together and face the trials that come with it. After 1 year dating I was ready for my bf to move in. Even though we can't imagine a life without each other he felt it was rushing things AND he said something about living together ruins relationships. I decided to not rock the boat and to let it unfold naturally because *I believe in his love for me*. Fast forward another year, we've been dating 2 years now, suddenly he starts saying things like when we live together I would like...see?.... OH and each time I go to his place and I see something cool in his kitchen he buys me the same one, it means nothing don't worry :-) I know that his last relationship probably is the biggest reason why he does not see himself ever live with someone again, I do hope however that with time he will change his mind, and that he will be able to see us living together eventually. I know I want it and I just hope he will want it too, especially with having children in the future. But you are right, as with things in the past (his 'i love you' and his proclaiming the relationship), I need to wait and let it unfold naturally. Thanks Gaeta, as usual. 1
preraph Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 1. I do not expect him to move in. I don't know where I said that. 2. I think he knows it is going to be long-term, he has told me several times he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. 3. I never cornered him over this. 4. I am not ready right now either. I just know I will be eventually. 5. I am certainly waiting it out, and when the issue will be brought up, it won't be me who will do so. 6. I am 30 and he is 38. Really? Because the title of your post is "Is this an indicator that he doesn't want to live together."
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 Really? Because the title of your post is "Is this an indicator that he doesn't want to live together." Exactly. That’s the title. Not „i expect my boyfriend to move in with me”.
smackie9 Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 I don't think he even knows whether he does or not.....
Author heavenonearth Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 I don't think he even knows whether he does or not..... Mh ok :/ why so?
Versacehottie Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Worrying too much. I mean the present is something he thought you may like/need now. If you merge households - what's the deal - if he moves in with you, he'll have it, if you move to him - you can bring it. I don't see a deal. Was moving in brought up in any of your conversations (not in the 'someday' way, more in concrete terms)? Totally agree. If you aren't ready OP to move in for at least a year, is it that implausible to believe that he is somewhat on the same page? He sounds like he is living in the present and you are looking for signs. I can also imagine if you are still a student (no matter you're age) it probably hasn't crossed his mind. Also forgive me if i am wrong but from your other threads am i right that you guys are about at the 6th month mark? (sorry if i am wrong and confusing you with someone else but otherwise it's really too soon to be inferring anything about living together from his actions).
Versacehottie Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 No but when we first met last May, he mentioned very early on that he does not want to ever live with someone again. About three months in, in a conversation i said something like “if we ever live together..” and his response was “well, let’s talk about that in two years”. So since we never talked about it. ok sorry but i should have read all the responses before i replied (usually do and still haven't on this thread but anyway...). So if living together is something you eventually want (and i think that's totally reasonable), you are going to need to address this situation at some point. I think you can "have fun" or have a deep meaningful relationship which really has no progression for some time but YOU need to put a limit on your own willingness to do this. I would not wait around hoping he changes his mind. His statement sounds pretty emphatic OR....wait two years. If you are at the 8month to 1 year mark and are done having your fun and searching for "something more" or where your life is headed, bring it up and tell him what you want in general (not from him necessarily), such as "i've been having fun with you but at the same time we are getting pretty deep into it and have spent a lot of time, i want you to know that i am the type of person who expects and wants progression in a relationship and want to live with someone/get married when the point is right and I'm wondering how you feel about that?" If he puts you on the two year waiting plan again, or even 1 year plan to "see how he feels" i would start extracting myself from the relationship. I guess some guys definitely do feel like he does but if it does not match what you want, you need to take responsibility to leave and find yourself what you do want. His response is the type you hear from guys who will never change their minds and just string you along. You will read many sad stories on here of people who have truly wasted their time with people like this; don't be one of them!
Author heavenonearth Posted January 26, 2018 Author Posted January 26, 2018 ok sorry but i should have read all the responses before i replied (usually do and still haven't on this thread but anyway...). So if living together is something you eventually want (and i think that's totally reasonable), you are going to need to address this situation at some point. I think you can "have fun" or have a deep meaningful relationship which really has no progression for some time but YOU need to put a limit on your own willingness to do this. I would not wait around hoping he changes his mind. His statement sounds pretty emphatic OR....wait two years. If you are at the 8month to 1 year mark and are done having your fun and searching for "something more" or where your life is headed, bring it up and tell him what you want in general (not from him necessarily), such as "i've been having fun with you but at the same time we are getting pretty deep into it and have spent a lot of time, i want you to know that i am the type of person who expects and wants progression in a relationship and want to live with someone/get married when the point is right and I'm wondering how you feel about that?" If he puts you on the two year waiting plan again, or even 1 year plan to "see how he feels" i would start extracting myself from the relationship. I guess some guys definitely do feel like he does but if it does not match what you want, you need to take responsibility to leave and find yourself what you do want. His response is the type you hear from guys who will never change their minds and just string you along. You will read many sad stories on here of people who have truly wasted their time with people like this; don't be one of them! Well a relationship that’s meaningful and fulfilling is what i want. I don’t just want to be with anyone just so i can live together. I have lived with partners in the past and it didn’t work for me. But i also never been so happy with anyone. And as i mentioned before we both want kids together and i hope he will eventually want to live with me. I don’t think he thinks it’s completely out of the picture but probably just still too early to talk about it. I certainly do not think he is “just a stringing me along”, far from it. I have never felt more loved in my life. It greatly undermines his character to think something like that.
preraph Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 Exactly. That’s the title. Not „i expect my boyfriend to move in with me”. Seems like exactly the same thing to me.
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