I'm anxious in love.How do I control it?How have others dealt with this?

[kk1234]

My relationship has been quite unstable these last 3 months due to my anxiety heightening.Having seen a psychologist for around the last 6 months we've come to find that I'm an anxious attached person. My partner is a secure attachment and is quite reassuring,loving and understanding, but our arguments have only been getting worse, and he no longer has the emotional strength to continue fighting with me.I worry he will leave me over the coming weeks because the stress of our relationship is making him "unmotivated" and "overwhelmed", he's also behind on his studies.

 

1. I've come to find that my jealousy is bad, my paranoia is even worse.I get very anxious when he goes out without me, and he's currently away at the moment.

 

2.It takes me hours to get out of a bad mood, or to settle down after getting angry.These outbursts go two ways:

I shutdown and stop talking/messaging him, or I blast extremely hurtful things, accuse him of things, try to break up with him, finally settle down, apologise and feel like an absolute moron.

 

We had our last really awful fight 3 days ago,I asked to be friends,he agreed,it wasn't the response I wanted, I took it back. Somehow we spoke through things,and he agreed to keep the relationship going *again* but that I would give him space for two weeks until he gets back.

Even though I agreed to give him space, my anxiety is heightened. I'll reply to a message, he'll be active on his phone but won't reply to me until hours later.I can't even begin to start to control how it makes me feel, I know I agreed to it, but my head is in another place.

 

For anyone who would like to know, he's 23 and I'm 24, we both still live at home with our parents. I've stated in a previous post that he's a medical student and I barely get to see him, so our relationship is mainly based on text messaging throughout the day and a date night or two throughout the week.Being an anxious attachment I crave intimacy and closeness with my partner, which I don't always get.

 

I will be seeing a second psychologist next week as my usual is booked weeks in advance. I want to change,I want to be a more secure and loving person, but I'm having the greatest difficulty overcoming my anxiety and thinking positively.

[Gaeta]

Here is what I think. When we suffer from anxiety we don't go dating a medical student that has only texts to share with us and a couple of nights on week nights. That's not dating.

 

If you suffer from a headache and your doctor gives you antibiotics it won't help you for your headache, the same with dating your boyfriend it doesn't help building the togetherness you need to be happy.

 

Find someone that has time to date you and half your problem will be solved.

[olivetree]

Breaking up with him and other such outbursts is you resorting to protest behaviour.

You need to catch yourself before you resort to such behaviours, as they are hard to deal with and push your partner away.

Try communicating the softer feelings behind your fears and you're likely to get a better response.

 

You should work with a therapist that practices emotion focused therapy.

It is shown to be highly effective for insecure attachment styles.

Also read some books attachment it in the meantime - it's much better than internet sources.

[kk1234]

Here is what I think. When we suffer from anxiety we don't go dating a medical student that has only texts to share with us and a couple of nights on week nights. That's not dating.

 

If you suffer from a headache and your doctor gives you antibiotics it won't help you for your headache, the same with dating your boyfriend it doesn't help building the togetherness you need to be happy.

 

Find someone that has time to date you and half your problem will be solved.

 

I definitely agree with you and I have thought to move on and find someone who is able to dedicate the same time as I do.We discussed this, and he did tell me that after he graduates this October he will have more time and financial freedom to do this.In the past when I've asked to see him more throughout the week, he did exactly that, so I have hope.

 

Although it is easier to break up and move on, I'm not okay with my anxious attachment and I do love and care for the person I am with.My aim is to be a more secure and confident person, and I feel that this option is me running away from an issue that I can try and fix.There is also the possibility that my behaviour may be the same,or a bit better,or a bit worse.I don't want to go through another 3,4,7 relationships to figure out that my anxiety is a problem that isn't going away.

 

Breaking up with him and other such outbursts is you resorting to protest behaviour.

You need to catch yourself before you resort to such behaviours, as they are hard to deal with and push your partner away.

Try communicating the softer feelings behind your fears and you're likely to get a better response.

 

You should work with a therapist that practices emotion focused therapy.

It is shown to be highly effective for insecure attachment styles.

Also read some books attachment it in the meantime - it's much better than internet sources.

 

My protest behaviour is very damaging, my gosh do I know this.More recently when we fight he will tell me that I don't really love him, because if I did I wouldn't hurt him the way I do.It breaks me to hear that, and it's even more frustrating when I can't control my emotions and the outbursts that follow.

 

I have suggested seeing a psychologist together, so we can work on our communication. I've always been more open than he is. On our first date I told him about my parents damaged marriage and my dads infidelities, this is something that he really liked about me.He comes from a good close knit, supportive family, where the parents have a good marriage. Even when things aren't going well at home for him, he won't open up to me. This in turn makes me close up because I don't want to burden his good life with my problems. I hope he will consider it, and I will definitely look into emotion focused therapy.

[heavenonearth]

I know how you feel. I have bad anxiety too and have been in therapy for many years for my attachment issues. It’s a problem in my relationship as well although i have it fairly well under Control. It comes out when i am on my period, my hormones just go nuts.

 

I really can’t advise you on this. I haven’t found a solution. I notice that even softly voicing my feelings to my boyfriend, it will escalate. The only solution i have is not voicing my insecurities at all. Find ways to calm myself down before i go and burden him with it. When it works, it is a milestone in my development. It doesn’t always work.

 

I hope you will find a therapist who can give you the tools to reassure yourself and not needing to run to your boyfriend for reassurance every time.

 

Attachment/enmeshment anxieties are usually an issue when we don’t love ourselves enough, don’t value ourselves enough.

 

I know what it’s like. You need to get up and love yourself.

I hope you will manage.

[kk1234]

I know how you feel. I have bad anxiety too and have been in therapy for many years for my attachment issues. It’s a problem in my relationship as well although i have it fairly well under Control. It comes out when i am on my period, my hormones just go nuts.

 

I really can’t advise you on this. I haven’t found a solution. I notice that even softly voicing my feelings to my boyfriend, it will escalate. The only solution i have is not voicing my insecurities at all. Find ways to calm myself down before i go and burden him with it. When it works, it is a milestone in my development. It doesn’t always work.

 

I hope you will find a therapist who can give you the tools to reassure yourself and not needing to run to your boyfriend for reassurance every time.

 

Attachment/enmeshment anxieties are usually an issue when we don’t love ourselves enough, don’t value ourselves enough.

 

I know what it’s like. You need to get up and love yourself.

I hope you will manage.

 

I have thought about whether or not voicing my insecurities in the past has helped my relationship, or only made it worse.He is aware of my anxiety, my poor self esteem and my attachment issues. I even had him read the book 'Attached' so that he could better understand what goes on in my head.

 

For the first few months he was my biggest supporter, and he tried everything to help me out. He's at a point now where he's told me he's tired.He continues to reassure me but only once, if my behaviour/doubt/negativity continues he looses his temper and the arguing starts again.

I have also decided to keep my upcoming psychologist sessions to myself.In the past I told him exactly what we would discuss and this too would cause rifts between us.

 

Thank you for your kind words, I hope I can manage to change and improve my ways

[I'veseenbetterlol]

My relationship has been quite unstable these last 3 months due to my anxiety heightening.Having seen a psychologist for around the last 6 months we've come to find that I'm an anxious attached person. My partner is a secure attachment and is quite reassuring,loving and understanding, but our arguments have only been getting worse, and he no longer has the emotional strength to continue fighting with me.I worry he will leave me over the coming weeks because the stress of our relationship is making him "unmotivated" and "overwhelmed", he's also behind on his studies.

 

1. I've come to find that my jealousy is bad, my paranoia is even worse.I get very anxious when he goes out without me, and he's currently away at the moment.

 

2.It takes me hours to get out of a bad mood, or to settle down after getting angry.These outbursts go two ways:

I shutdown and stop talking/messaging him, or I blast extremely hurtful things, accuse him of things, try to break up with him, finally settle down, apologise and feel like an absolute moron.

 

We had our last really awful fight 3 days ago,I asked to be friends,he agreed,it wasn't the response I wanted, I took it back. Somehow we spoke through things,and he agreed to keep the relationship going *again* but that I would give him space for two weeks until he gets back.

Even though I agreed to give him space, my anxiety is heightened. I'll reply to a message, he'll be active on his phone but won't reply to me until hours later.I can't even begin to start to control how it makes me feel, I know I agreed to it, but my head is in another place.

 

For anyone who would like to know, he's 23 and I'm 24, we both still live at home with our parents. I've stated in a previous post that he's a medical student and I barely get to see him, so our relationship is mainly based on text messaging throughout the day and a date night or two throughout the week.Being an anxious attachment I crave intimacy and closeness with my partner, which I don't always get.

 

I will be seeing a second psychologist next week as my usual is booked weeks in advance. I want to change,I want to be a more secure and loving person, but I'm having the greatest difficulty overcoming my anxiety and thinking positively.

 

Are you anxiously attached in overall relationships or just this one? I ask this because I was the same way and I figured out why, it was the type of non committed guys I was dating. After breaking up w/my ex, I started online dating. The 1st guy I met, I started falling for, he had to leave home to another state after a month. When he left, I had super bad anxiety cause he wouldn't text me, didn't really answer my texts and never took interest. My anxiety was justified, after finding out he didn't want a relationship. Same thing happened w/another guy who claimed to care about, but would also shut me out.

 

I do not have that sort of attachment w/my bf despite only seeing him on weekend (opposing schedules). He treats me really well and I do not have doubts. When your bf is free, I would sit him down and talk to him, tell him to be honest w/you and if he continues being distant consider looking elsewhere for love because this type of thing will really take a toll on you (I know it did for me) and that isn't worth it.

[olivetree]

OP and heavenonearth, try reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, the creator of emotion focused therapy.

 

The book teaches you basically how to do emotion focused therapy in your relationship.

 

Also thought I should point out that while your partners may seem secure, they may also have some avoidant tendencies that heighten your anxiety and could use improvement as well.

 

Afterall, attachment isn't created in a vacuum, it's an interdependent thing.

Edited January 25, 2018 by olivetree

[kk1234]

Are you anxiously attached in overall relationships or just this one? I ask this because I was the same way and I figured out why, it was the type of non committed guys I was dating. After breaking up w/my ex, I started online dating. The 1st guy I met, I started falling for, he had to leave home to another state after a month. When he left, I had super bad anxiety cause he wouldn't text me, didn't really answer my texts and never took interest. My anxiety was justified, after finding out he didn't want a relationship. Same thing happened w/another guy who claimed to care about, but would also shut me out.

 

I do not have that sort of attachment w/my bf despite only seeing him on weekend (opposing schedules). He treats me really well and I do not have doubts. When your bf is free, I would sit him down and talk to him, tell him to be honest w/you and if he continues being distant consider looking elsewhere for love because this type of thing will really take a toll on you (I know it did for me) and that isn't worth it.

 

This is my first proper relationship,before this I only dated but never pursued anything serious.I always wanted someone sensible and committed, which my partner is. We discussed very early on (a month in?) that we were both looking for someone who would be committed to something long term. His family knew about me before my family did (1 week in), and one of his friends once told me that he is very much in love with me, and that he "needs me".I never understood that because it hasn't always felt that way (nor did he communicate it), but eventually he'd told me that if we were to go our own ways, he'd still want me in my life, hopefully to mature together as friends and maybe pursue something later on. It's always been "our house", "our kids" etc, so I don't think commitment is an issue.

 

One of the things that I'm trying to figure out about myself is that I was more of an avoidant person when we started dating, cold, never cried, didn't sit by the phone waiting for anyone to reply. He was always persistent on meeting my friends, having my family know about him, replying to him pretty quickly etc. I didn't care much for it. Nowadays the roles have switched and I don't know what's gone wrong.

 

OP and heavenonearth, try reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, the creator of emotion focused therapy.

 

The book teaches you basically how to do emotion focused therapy in your relationship.

 

Also thought I should point out that while your partners may seem secure, they may also have some avoidant tendencies that heighten your anxiety and could use improvement as well.

 

Afterall, attachment isn't created in a vacuum, it's an interdependent thing.

 

Thanks for that, I'll check it out.

 

I think I can agree with you on the avoidant tendencies but I think it's been gradual. When we first started dating he was prompt with replying, spoke to me, hung out with me where ever he could, gave me a heap of support and encouragement.I think because I'm not changing, and becoming even more anxious he's just over it and starting to flake out.I would imagine he just feels like no matter what he does, it's still not good enough.I have high expectations and I want him to follow through with them. He's been wanting me to change too, but across the last few months my behaviour has been appauling. He could've easily left my ass ages ago, so I guess I understand why he would want to start being avoident, I just hope that I can start to fix that so that he doesn't entirely push me away.

[kaitlynlily6]

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm anxious and paranoid too and trying to work things out with my boyfriend. To keep myself from being too needy, I try to keep myself busy with a lot of things and if i'm having outbursts, I shut off the phone or keep myself busy with other things so I don't say things i'll regret later on. Taking medicines partly helps, but half of your problems will be solved if you try to let go of a relationship that doesn't seem to work and is giving you a headache. Love yourself first and find a hobby where you can turn your anxiety into something productive. Just my suggestions though.

[Chilli]

Could l ask you guys , like what sort of things come out in outbursts .like how does it show ?

And also , doe sit come from more about the person your with ,like some people just have a way of putting us at ease ,

where as others , just don't have a way of helping us feel at ease.

Is it that type of thing or would it happen with anyone else , no matter what they did ?

 

Sorry if this is too personal and you'd rather not say , no problem.

Reason l ask though is that l suspect something like this with somebody l'm seeing.

 

The other thing is , did you say he's doing medicine ?

How could he study medicine under this kind of stress. ?

He sounds like a good man but there's no way he could cater for all this right now on top of his studies .

 

It's only gonna be what not even 12 mths, you'll still be able to have some time together can't you just do other things in the meantime and enjoy what time you do have while he gets through this.

It's a pretty typical sacrifice we all have to do at some times or others in any relationship.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Chilli

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have same issues to a degree. Since this is your first relationship and you have nothing to compare it to, it’s worth considering that your bf is part of the problem.

 

I know you said that he wants a LTR and has told his family about you but remember those are only words. My anxiety was at its worst when I was dating certain type of a guy. Somewhat emotionally avoidant, vaguely non-commital. Yes they all said the right words but my instincts were telling me otherwise. With a different kind of person, my anxiety was close to non existent.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just wanted to add that bottling things up and not saying anything can work well short term but it leads to even bigger problems long term.

 

There are men out there with a calming presence. They know how to deescalate the situation without getting angry or taking things personally. It’s hard to explain but with them instead of feeling that every time I expressed my anxiety, I have pushed them away, expressing my anxiety actually brought us closer together and didn’t end up in a fight. The fact that I wasn’t being “punished” made me calmer and more able to express when anything bothered me without outbursts. This made my anxiety basically dissapear. They also did little things that helped like responding to my texts in a reasonable time frame or even just shooting me a quick “I’m busy” text rather than ignoring me for hours.

 

The absolute worst personality matches for me were men that made me feel like expressing my insecurity once more will end the relationship for good.

[heavenonearth]

OP and heavenonearth, try reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, the creator of emotion focused therapy.

 

The book teaches you basically how to do emotion focused therapy in your relationship.

 

Also thought I should point out that while your partners may seem secure, they may also have some avoidant tendencies that heighten your anxiety and could use improvement as well.

 

Afterall, attachment isn't created in a vacuum, it's an interdependent thing.

 

Thanks for the tip, I will check it out. Since I just finished my therapy, but am nowhere near 'healed' (my therapist says this is something that will follow me through life), I am still looking for strategies to reassure myself instead of always asking it from my partner.

 

 

 

 

Could l ask you guys , like what sort of things come out in outbursts .like how does it show ?

And also , doe sit come from more about the person your with ,like some people just have a way of putting us at ease ,

where as others , just don't have a way of helping us feel at ease.

Is it that type of thing or would it happen with anyone else , no matter what they did ?

 

Sorry if this is too personal and you'd rather not say , no problem.

Reason l ask though is that l suspect something like this with somebody l'm seeing.

 

The other thing is , did you say he's doing medicine ?

How could he study medicine under this kind of stress. ?

He sounds like a good man but there's no way he could cater for all this right now on top of his studies .

 

It's only gonna be what not even 12 mths, you'll still be able to have some time together can't you just do other things in the meantime and enjoy what time you do have while he gets through this.

It's a pretty typical sacrifice we all have to do at some times or others in any relationship.

 

My boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong. My anxieties come from prior relationships, faults of past partners I am projecting onto my current partner. It's not on him, so why bother him with it?

It's an issue I have and I need to work on it in order to keep my relationship healthy. He can reassure me from time to time and yes, he is supportive, but there are boundaries and there are moments where he, too, cannot do anything anymore, and it's up to me to calm myself down.

 

 

I have thought about whether or not voicing my insecurities in the past has helped my relationship, or only made it worse.He is aware of my anxiety, my poor self esteem and my attachment issues. I even had him read the book 'Attached' so that he could better understand what goes on in my head.

 

For the first few months he was my biggest supporter, and he tried everything to help me out. He's at a point now where he's told me he's tired.He continues to reassure me but only once, if my behaviour/doubt/negativity continues he looses his temper and the arguing starts again.

I have also decided to keep my upcoming psychologist sessions to myself.In the past I told him exactly what we would discuss and this too would cause rifts between us.

 

Thank you for your kind words, I hope I can manage to change and improve my ways

 

OP, exactly this is how it has been for me. It is really important that you take some off the load off of him, as this is something you need to work on for yourself.

 

I understand our situation may not be the same, as I do not consider our relationship to be unstable, neither of us is overwhelmed or unmotivated.

But we do have this issue and tiny fights about my insecurity.

Sometimes it is just me wanting to voice how i feel - and that can already make him feel attacked and fly out of the roof. He will take it very personal and feel hurt, thinking I am undermining his love.

 

Men and women are so different in the sense they deal with conflict/issues. For men, it may be draining to talk about heavy issues, whereas for women it is draining to not talk about something.

 

I think in the end it is about balancing it out the right way - when you feel anxious, reflect first if you want to engage him in your anxiousness in that moment. Try to think about what could happen if you tell him about it, would it really make things better, or would it escalate?

Try to reassure yourself, do not think about the worst case scenario, but think about something positive, aka, the last time you were this anxious about the same issue, was it really warranted, or were you overreacting?

Etc..

 

So, you need to learn some strategies to calm yourself down and not always immediately run to him the moment you want to share your NEGATIVE feelings.

 

You are still an independent person with issues that YOU ALONE need to deal with. Heal yourself. Be good to yourself.

[heavenonearth]

Just wanted to add that bottling things up and not saying anything can work well short term but it leads to even bigger problems long term.

 

There are men out there with a calming presence. They know how to deescalate the situation without getting angry or taking things personally. It’s hard to explain but with them instead of feeling that every time I expressed my anxiety, I have pushed them away, expressing my anxiety actually brought us closer together and didn’t end up in a fight. The fact that I wasn’t being “punished” made me calmer and more able to express when anything bothered me without outbursts. This made my anxiety basically dissapear. They also did little things that helped like responding to my texts in a reasonable time frame or even just shooting me a quick “I’m busy” text rather than ignoring me for hours.

 

The absolute worst personality matches for me were men that made me feel like expressing my insecurity once more will end the relationship for good.

 

 

I do not think it is about 'bottling up' feelings, but about learning how to deal with your own issues, learning how to reassure yourself.

 

You cannot always rely on other people to make you feel better, especially if the reason why you feel bad in the first place is because of a deficiency in your own mental state.

 

The other person may impact that feeling, but they are not the reason. The reason is because YOU yourself feel bad about yourself.

 

Anyway, I am just hypothesizing, of course.

 

It can be different for everyone. OP says she has had no real bad prior experience, so it is clear her anxieties stem from an insecurity about herself, and that cannot be healed by some other person.

[Chilli]

Thanks for explaining that ES.

 

It's much the same with women don't worry, some sooth and just have a way about them, some will stress you out 10 fold more and decide it's a great time to start a fight,

 

Thanks op , you sound like your doing great now then ,considering , good luck.

[kk1234]

Could l ask you guys , like what sort of things come out in outbursts .like how does it show ?

And also , doe sit come from more about the person your with ,like some people just have a way of putting us at ease ,

where as others , just don't have a way of helping us feel at ease.

Is it that type of thing or would it happen with anyone else , no matter what they did ?

 

Sorry if this is too personal and you'd rather not say , no problem.

Reason l ask though is that l suspect something like this with somebody l'm seeing.

 

The other thing is , did you say he's doing medicine ?

How could he study medicine under this kind of stress. ?

He sounds like a good man but there's no way he could cater for all this right now on top of his studies .

 

It's only gonna be what not even 12 mths, you'll still be able to have some time together can't you just do other things in the meantime and enjoy what time you do have while he gets through this.

It's a pretty typical sacrifice we all have to do at some times or others in any relationship.

 

The outbursts via text is just messaging back and forth until you get a reaction from the other person.In most of our earlier fights I would bring up other things that had annoyed me in the past.Thankfully, I've managed to stop doing that now.

In person, one person gets upset, goes quiet and in private we usually have a heated argument until one of us comes to our senses and apologises. If we can't sort it out we'll sleep on it and address it the following day.

 

My partner has been away since December, and I think it's definitley taking a toll on me. I've managed to visit him while he was away, but I believe a lot of our recent fights are triggered by me wanting more attention.Sad, I know.

 

When anyone approaches me with conflict the first reaction I have is to defend myself.I tend to raise my voice and keep arguing back and forth until I've felt that I've won (I do so but never cussing ).My dad is a verbally abusive narcissist, so it's just the way I've learnt to respond. Nowadays, I only still respond like this to my dad, but with my psychologist I'm learning to walk away instead of making the situation worse (This doesn't work with my boyfriend, I've tried)

Because my other family members, friends and boyfriend are reasonable people, I'm a lot more calmer to how I approach conflict with them.I definitely used to react full force with my boyfriend, because he responded to me in a calm, loving and reassuring way. In other words he took whatever I threw at him and I've taken advantage of that.Unfortunately, that doesn't happen so much anymore, and because the fights are more frequent I get hit with a lot of name calling and I shut down.

 

This period of study has been easy going. He's been away interstate for two months now and he's been treating it like a holiday (Although it's a hospital based practical period).I can clarify that I asked him over the phone whether the feeling of being unmotivated and overwhelmed was because of me. He said it wasn't, and explained that at the moment he's bitten off more work than he can chew.I had to ask about this because I've always been so supportive in leaving him be during exam period.I'd always leave messaging and calls to the end of the day, checked in every now and then to see his revision progress (and tell him I loved him) and even sent him food baskets with hand written motivational cards (I can be a pretty awesome girlfriend too!)

 

I haven't thought about giving the relationship a break until he graduates, and he's never brought this up either.It's only up until about three weeks ago when I observed that he was really over the fighting, which he's communicated is his biggest and only issue with me.

 

I hope this answers your questions.

[d0nnivain]

Get your therapists to teach you better self talk. When you are freaking out & thinking your guy is doing something improper, remind yourself that he is a busy medical student who is probably studying. Learn to journal so all the bad stuff goes there. Don't spew out every wild anxiety that pops into your head. Your SO is not a p/t therapist.

[Chilli]

Yeah , thanks very much it was very helpful.

Hope your proud of yourself too btw , sounds like you've done so much , it wouldn't be easy l could imagine.

Hang in there eh.

 

BF yeah , any fighting is sooooo stressful at a time like that but then the sitch is very stressful for both too so things happen to don't they. It sounds like you've been doing better and better though considering what your dealing with all round.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Chilli

[kk1234]

I have same issues to a degree. Since this is your first relationship and you have nothing to compare it to, it’s worth considering that your bf is part of the problem.

 

I know you said that he wants a LTR and has told his family about you but remember those are only words. My anxiety was at its worst when I was dating certain type of a guy. Somewhat emotionally avoidant, vaguely non-commital. Yes they all said the right words but my instincts were telling me otherwise. With a different kind of person, my anxiety was close to non existent.

 

Just wanted to add that bottling things up and not saying anything can work well short term but it leads to even bigger problems long term.

 

There are men out there with a calming presence. They know how to deescalate the situation without getting angry or taking things personally. It’s hard to explain but with them instead of feeling that every time I expressed my anxiety, I have pushed them away, expressing my anxiety actually brought us closer together and didn’t end up in a fight. The fact that I wasn’t being “punished” made me calmer and more able to express when anything bothered me without outbursts. This made my anxiety basically dissapear. They also did little things that helped like responding to my texts in a reasonable time frame or even just shooting me a quick “I’m busy” text rather than ignoring me for hours.

 

The absolute worst personality matches for me were men that made me feel like expressing my insecurity once more will end the relationship for good.

 

Of course I understand this thought, but I did have 8 years worth of dating experience.I also had a lot of guy friends (which I'd never done anything sexual with).In those times I was confident, very social and I was well respected by other men. I wasn't emotional, I wasn't a bitch, I avoided gossiping and I'm down right honest with people. I've seen what's out there.What differentiates my boyfriend to the guys I went on dates with, was that I felt comfortable with him. I don't trust easily, I've heard men say and seen them do things that are down right filthy.I met my boyfriend in a store, I pursued him, I got into a car with him only knowing his name, something I'd never done before.I trusted my instincts and I met someone who turned out to be really kind, caring and loving.

 

Does my boyfriend have flaws like any other boyfriend? Of course he does.But his study and career commitments will change over time and I know I can come to compromise as long as he can too. I'd rather deal with someone who studies a lot then someone who's unemployed and snorts cocaine on a weeknight.

 

I understand these are just words, but I've always trusted him when he said he wanted a long term commitment. I know of his past, the girls he slept with that no one knows of, that don't even exist on his facebook account. In his family and his culture bringing home a girl is a big deal, sorry I should've clarified this.

 

Unfortunately I've used up my partner's calming presence over the last 4-6 months.Now I have to start looking at myself and really starting to change, instead of being selfish and expecting him to reassure and calm me down every time.I definitely do like the idea about your partner responding to your texts quickly.That's really thoughtful.

 

 

OP, exactly this is how it has been for me. It is really important that you take some off the load off of him, as this is something you need to work on for yourself.

 

Men and women are so different in the sense they deal with conflict/issues. For men, it may be draining to talk about heavy issues, whereas for women it is draining to not talk about something.

 

I think in the end it is about balancing it out the right way - when you feel anxious, reflect first if you want to engage him in your anxiousness in that moment. Try to think about what could happen if you tell him about it, would it really make things better, or would it escalate?

Try to reassure yourself, do not think about the worst case scenario, but think about something positive, aka, the last time you were this anxious about the same issue, was it really warranted, or were you overreacting?

Etc..

 

So, you need to learn some strategies to calm yourself down and not always immediately run to him the moment you want to share your NEGATIVE feelings.

 

You are still an independent person with issues that YOU ALONE need to deal with. Heal yourself. Be good to yourself.

 

 

I absoloutely agree with you.My partner has never understood why I speak about some of our issues with my friends because he never does it with his.

 

I need to start to learn to calm down more quickly, it takes me too long to get over things and it makes me miserable.I do feel the need to say something when I get annoyed,I think that's healthy,but it's the manner in which I address it, and how I respond to his answer that's the issue.

 

 

I do not think it is about 'bottling up' feelings, but about learning how to deal with your own issues, learning how to reassure yourself.

 

You cannot always rely on other people to make you feel better, especially if the reason why you feel bad in the first place is because of a deficiency in your own mental state.

 

The other person may impact that feeling, but they are not the reason. The reason is because YOU yourself feel bad about yourself.

 

Anyway, I am just hypothesizing, of course.

 

It can be different for everyone. OP says she has had no real bad prior experience, so it is clear her anxieties stem from an insecurity about herself, and that cannot be healed by some other person.

 

At the moment I haven't even looked into how to reassure myself.One of the mistakes I made when I began to face my anxiety issues was continuing to let my boyfriend support me. Even when I told him it's something I need to do on my own because he couldn't always be there for me, he was persistent on having me come to him for advice. What a big no no.

[kk1234]

“I met my boyfriend in a store, I pursued him, I got into a car with him only knowing his name, something I'd never done before.I trusted my instincts and I met someone who turned out to be really kind, caring and loving.”

 

I’ve re read this and it sounds dodgy so I would like to clarify...

 

I met him in a store and added him on social media months later.We spoke for a little while until he asked me out.I still barely knew the guy when he picked me up for our first date.

[Gaeta]

Listen, you are using your mental illness to excuse your boyfriend. In your last thread you said he sees you 6 hours a week only. No one needs a psychologist degree to know this is the heart of your problem.

 

You are being neglected and you're asking us how to cope with being neglected and how to not hurt from being neglected!!

 

Like I said, get rid of him and you're rid of 50% of your anxiety problem.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I think I can agree with you on the avoidant tendencies but I think it's been gradual. When we first started dating he was prompt with replying, spoke to me, hung out with me where ever he could, gave me a heap of support and encouragement.I think because I'm not changing, and becoming even more anxious he's just over it and starting to flake out.I would imagine he just feels like no matter what he does, it's still not good enough.I have high expectations and I want him to follow through with them. He's been wanting me to change too, but across the last few months my behaviour has been appauling. He could've easily left my ass ages ago, so I guess I understand why he would want to start being avoident, I just hope that I can start to fix that so that he doesn't entirely push me away.

 

If he is pushing you away, there is nothing you can do. In my case it always because the guy lost feelings for me. Nothing I did or said changed their minds. You should have high expectations and if he isn't meeting them, move on, you deserve WAY better. W/one guy, I expressed to him a couple times how I wanted more communication, he promised he would try and nothing came out of it. When I had communication issues w/my bf, he apologized and did anything he could to improve it. After experiencing several similar incidents, I can tell you no one person is worth going through that.

Edited January 25, 2018 by I'veseenbetterlol

[kk1234]

Listen, you are using your mental illness to excuse your boyfriend. In your last thread you said he sees you 6 hours a week only. No one needs a psychologist degree to know this is the heart of your problem.

 

You are being neglected and you're asking us how to cope with being neglected and how to not hurt from being neglected!!

 

Like I said, get rid of him and you're rid of 50% of your anxiety problem.

 

Geata I do understand your frustration with me, but I would disagree with the word neglect.Thank fully since October and posting that thread, we discussed the issue of seeing each other more and he did pick up his game.After his exams he was free for weeks.6 hours a week turned into seeing each other 5 days a week, picnics, walks, having drinks, going to the movies,meeting me for lunch at work, he was there.If the boys asked him to go out, guess who got invited along, yep me.We went away together for 2 weeks over the Christmas and New Year period.If I ask for more time together, he will give it to me.

 

Funnily enough when I discussed my concern about our messaging vs. face to face time together he replied similarly to what Pacman had responded in my previous thread, "As a medical student myself I will tell you this. If it we're up to us, you would be our #1 priority and we would love to spend more time with you".

 

I'm not trying to excuse him, but I definitely do pity him.I know my boyfriend would love to be with me more often, he's told me this on many occasions.Not only does he have to worry about my anxiety, being on top of his study, but he has his parents to deal with.They are his main financial income, and they also have high expectations of him too. I think it's too selfish to only think about my feelings,I do think that being in a relationship you have to consider the other persons situation too.

 

If he is pushing you away' date=' there is nothing you can do. In my case it always because the guy lost feelings for me. Nothing I did or said changed their minds. You should have high expectations and if he isn't meeting them, move on, you deserve WAY better. W/one guy, I expressed to him a couple times how I wanted more communication, he promised he would try and nothing came out of it. When I had communication issues w/my bf, he apologized and did anything he could to improve it. After experiencing several similar incidents, I can tell you no one person is worth going through that.[/quote']

 

Since our argument on Monday I have given him space and for the first few days it felt like he was pushing me away. I've been keeping busy, putting my head into work, study and catching up with friends.My phone isn't glued to me and I don't respond to his messages 2.5 seconds after I receive it.In fact I think I've spent more time on this thread then I have talking and messaging him His behaviour and has already changed, and he's been more active messaging me. There are more "I miss you" and "I love you" messages, and I get a call right on the dot of my lunch break.The communication I had been asking for which had eventually turned into Mondays arguement

 

As an anxious person I do think my expectations are too high.Anxious me thinks he needs to see me everyday, he needs to pick up every single one of my calls (even if he's in the middle of watching a surgery),he can't see his mates once every two months because I want him to see me.He went to church on Sunday with his family? Well I did to, why couldn't he come with me?You can't tell me this is healthy either?

 

It may not be worth it,I don't know,but I can tell you that at the moment I'm already feeling more relaxed. I'm trying to get into a better head space, and trying to figure out my emotions while my partner enjoys his time away with family.I will figure out what to do next once he gets back, if I haven't, I'll ask him to give me space