lunarboy92 Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 Hello all, I am a 23 year old male who just got out of my first relationship, and it was with a man. I'm mostly straight and was into the idea of someone reciporically being interested me. I've known him since I was 16 and we've been in and out of eachothers lives.* The night we met up, we hooked up and after he kept showing so much interest in me by texting me all the time, he made me feel very adored and I was very into it and I fell very fast and hard. He also mirrored this wounded bambi dream-person idea to me, we seemed to have a lot of the same interests and seemed so much alike and it was so charming getting so many messages from someone. It felt infectious. * I have a position of power in the industry he was interested in and after a few dates, I had proposed that if I were to take care of him (give him an allowance of 1k dollars) we'd have to be in a romantic mono relationship but he insisted we stayed sexually open. I know nothing about romance didn't know that "open right away is" a red flag. The money wasn't for "control", this was cause I genuinely felt in love and wanted to drain myself and resources to make sure this person felt nurtured and safe. Through out the relationship after the honeymoon phase. Things changed fast - he would ignore my texts for hours, go missing, withhold sex from me but sleep with multiple other people *- be very afraid of intimacy/treat me super cold, push pull began and blame it on past "abusive" exes and a fear of romance. The more he'd withhold, the more id want him. I was never allowed to talk to his friends or go to any places he went out too. He would only want to hang out if we were going shopping or he was being benefited somehow, and whenever id express anxiety or fear - he'd say it's all in my head. I started to neglect myself, people around me, and my career because of the amount of time I spent trying to make this work. * In the summer, someone came into the picture that concerned me and I expressed that I never agreed to being romantically open and that if he "liked" him, I needed to leave and I tried to leave, and he insisted nothing was going on and kept me there. Fast forward to winter, we decide on a mutual breakup. I decide to contact all his exes/friends now I'm free and find out the truth - surprise surprise! me and his last ex scene by scene lived the same relationship, including taking care of him (only difference is they lived together). He was addicted to chat roulette/masturbating with guys, knew all about cruising paths, never cleaned the house, begged to open the relationship, constantly flirting and needing validation from everyone, sexted behind his back. * Even talked to a sugar daddy from a different city to try to fly him out. I also find out he was romantically seeing multiple people the time we were together, told people about the guys he liked and had crushes on and was bragging about ****ing people with no condoms, and he was super into "poz guys" and would talk to his friends that he doesn't care if "he gets HIV." he even told his ex, "HIV is a badge." he's also addicted to Grindr and cruising and honeymoon phasing with guys up until the point of romance but leads them on cause he enjoys being liked. Also he said he was only a "top" and only a "sub" for me, but I found out he sucked one of the guys he was seeing's dick in public and was texting a guy from Instagram to "piss" on him. I also found out he went to the bathhouse drunk and didn't use protection. *I feel very betrayed, hurt, injustice, sadness to have been tricked back into staying with him everytime I tried to leave.* I was so good to him, *and this is what he did to me? Does he know this was wrong? How do I have sympathy? *Why was him being validated by so many other people more important then considering my feelings and emotions in his decisions?* Do people like this change? Is he going to repeat this again?*Why does he care SO much what other people think? I tried to leave so many times but id always get pulled back in. He'd make me doubt my gut and intuition. Is this not a textbook validation/sex addict narcissist? I probably spent over 10k on him. * *It seems like sex anesthetizes him and validates him. Who is he? Was any of this real? He insists "it was real, it was real." * When we broke up, he said "I just want to let you know. I have very low self worth.." I called him out on his cycle of abuse with guys and now he's following my sister on IG and "liking" her pics, now we're broken up. What is his motives?* He's only 24, do people like this change? *Do you think he's going to try to contact me again?* 1
Miss Spider Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 It is extremely unlikely your BF will change without serious intervention. He is self-destructive and on a downward spiral and will continue to bring you down with him. I know what you mean by 'wounded bambi dream boy' And it being your first serious relationship and all - you want to save this person. You want to help them see the light, but you can't. They have to want to change and it's very unlikely he does. You can still love him and have him in your life, but this will continue to be toxic and hurtful to you and longer you stay the harder it will be. Abort. I'm sorry.
Nadine123 Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 Hello all, I also find out he was romantically seeing multiple people the time we were together, told people about the guys he liked and had crushes on and was bragging about ****ing people with no condoms, and he was super into "poz guys" and would talk to his friends that he doesn't care if "he gets HIV." he even told his ex, "HIV is a badge." he's also addicted to Grindr and cruising and honeymoon phasing with guys up until the point of romance but leads them on cause he enjoys being liked. Also he said he was only a "top" and only a "sub" for me, but I found out he sucked one of the guys he was seeing's dick in public and was texting a guy from Instagram to "piss" on him. I also found out he went to the bathhouse drunk and didn't use protection. * I think the question you should ask yourself is why you want to be with someone like that? Please read your post again and what this man has done to you. He treats you like that because you're allowing it, and no, he wont change. 2
smackie9 Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) He is a user/master manipulator, a con artist. Why? because this is how he survives....he is a psychopath. They put on the charm, gaslight you when called out....that is their game...self gain. Like any addiction, including obsessions, you are in a desperate stage of denial. Let me be clear.....no he will not change, this is who he is. LET GO, he will never be the life partner of your dreams living happily ever after. Edited January 24, 2018 by smackie9 2
RecentChange Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 Dear God.... I hope you have gotten a screening for every STD, and have appointments for follow ups as somethings take a while to "cook". Do believe him when he says he has no self worth. He acts like someone who deep down hates himself, and is stuck in a cycle of abusing others and seeking abuse. This guy is broke, and you can't fix him. The bigger question is, why did you seek the abuse he was dishing. Makes me think of the Eurythmics. some of them want to use you some of them want to get used by you some of them want to abuse you some of them want to be abused everybody's looking for something 3
Author lunarboy92 Posted January 24, 2018 Author Posted January 24, 2018 It's hard to accept it was all a lie, if it was... 1
eclipse90 Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 It's hard to accept it was all a lie, if it was... It's a lot better to accept it now then to keep going and get into a gay marriage and have children and lose him I know it's hard, but you can definitely find a man who is better suited for you. I wish you an amazing husband. 1
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 It's hard to accept it was all a lie, if it was... I know this was your first experience - and hopefully you will learn from it. Like to not ignore the huge red flags and to keep your head in the sand, nor wanting to believe. Like keeping your own dignity, and understanding love relationships shouldn't be a barter exchange - don't offer to pay someone to be monogamous with you. That's not how it works. I know it hurts, but there are SO Many lessons to be learned here. A lot of things that hopefully you understand shouldn't be repeated. 2
Author lunarboy92 Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 Can anyone please help me identify the key red flags?
FilterCoffee Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 he insisted we stayed sexually open. Through out the relationship after the honeymoon phase. Things changed fast - he would ignore my texts for hours, go missing, withhold sex from me but sleep with multiple other people *- be very afraid of intimacy/treat me super cold, push pull began and blame it on past "abusive" exes and a fear of romance. The more he'd withhold, the more id want him. I was never allowed to talk to his friends or go to any places he went out too. He would only want to hang out if we were going shopping or he was being benefited somehow He was addicted to chat roulette/masturbating with guys, knew all about cruising paths, never cleaned the house, begged to open the relationship, constantly flirting and needing validation from everyone, sexted behind his back. * Even talked to a sugar daddy from a different city to try to fly him out. I also find out he was romantically seeing multiple people the time we were together, told people about the guys he liked and had crushes on and was bragging about ****ing people with no condoms, and he was super into "poz guys" and would talk to his friends that he doesn't care if "he gets HIV." he even told his ex, "HIV is a badge." he's also addicted to Grindr and cruising and honeymoon phasing with guys up until the point of romance but leads them on cause he enjoys being liked. Hey lunarboy92, Lots of red flags there. Get yourself checked ASAP. Do people like him change? Very very unlikely. You're definitely better off without him. Focus on yourself for some time OP.
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Can anyone please help me identify the key red flags? Sure. The night we met up, we hooked up and after he kept showing so much interest in me by texting me all the time, he made me feel very adored and I was very into it and I fell very fast and hard. Always remember, actions speak louder than words. There is a term "love bombing". This is the feverish adoring, this fast pace stuff, often burns out as fast as it starts. There is a Johnny Cash song Jackson, that always reminds me of it. The main verse: We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout, We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out. I'm goin' to Jackson, I'm gonna mess around, Yeah, I'm goin' to Jackson, Look out Jackson town. Moved too fast / love bombed Red Flag #1 He also mirrored this wounded bambi dream-person idea to me, You know who can have healthy, loving relationships? People who are complete within themselves, and can offer all of themselves to someone else. The knight in shining armor, the saving someone thing... rarely works. He was a wounded bambi? He is a wounded soul with way too many problems for you to fix (nor is it your responsibility to). Needed rescued - Red flag #2 I have a position of power in the industry he was interested in And thus - you are ripe to be used and manipulated by others who want gains in this industry. Keep your eyes open and beware. Ripe for cons - Red Flag #3 and after a few dates, I had proposed that if I were to take care of him (give him an allowance of 1k dollars) we'd have to be in a romantic mono relationship WHY?!??! Why why why did you think this is a good idea? Did you want a partner or did you want to buy an escort? This is not how normal relationships work. Do yourself a favor and never offer this to any one again. It will make even a good relationship fail. It will cause an imbalance of power. It will cause resentment. It will put the all mighty dollar above love. Don't do this. Redflag #4 - tried to be a sugar daddy. but he insisted we stayed sexually open. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG This means its just sex to him, and maybe some using you, and maybe some attention. But he isn't emotionally tied to you. Its a red flag at the beginning, its a red flag later... its a red flag. Only the strongest, secure, couples with excellent communication skills, boundaries trust etc are able to make anything "open" work - generally its a ***** show. Red flag #5 The money wasn't for "control", this was cause I genuinely felt in love and wanted to drain myself and resources to make sure this person felt nurtured and safe. No no no, thats not how it works. You must always keep respect for yourself, you must always keep your self interest at heart, because if you wont respect and love yourself, no one will, or can. You can support someone, emotionally, and even financially - but never lose sight of yourself. This type of approach makes you RIPE for manipulation and abuse. Users will see you coming from a mile away, and they will flock like hyenas to the kill. Red flag #6 - Inexperience and gave up too much too soon. Through out the relationship after the honeymoon phase. Things changed fast - he would ignore my texts for hours, go missing, withhold sex from me but sleep with multiple other people *- be very afraid of intimacy/treat me super cold, push pull began and blame it on past "abusive" exes and a fear of romance. The more he'd withhold, the more id want him. I was never allowed to talk to his friends or go to any places he went out too. He would only want to hang out if we were going shopping or he was being benefited somehow, and whenever id express anxiety or fear - he'd say it's all in my head. I started to neglect myself, people around me, and my career because of the amount of time I spent trying to make this work. * This is a straight up unacceptable behavior. It should have never gotten to this point, and you should never allow yourself to be treated like this. Where is your self dignity? Where is your self worth? At a certain point you have to say, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. You allowed all of this. In fact, begged for more. Don't do that. More red flags than can be counted - whole damn parade right here. He was addicted to chat roulette/masturbating with guys, knew all about cruising paths, never cleaned the house, begged to open the relationship, constantly flirting and needing validation from everyone, sexted behind his back. * Even talked to a sugar daddy from a different city to try to fly him out. Dude... I am out of flags. The stores are out of flags, we need to call the factory to start making more flags. I also find out he was romantically seeing multiple people the time we were together, told people about the guys he liked and had crushes on and was bragging about ****ing people with no condoms, and he was super into "poz guys" and would talk to his friends that he doesn't care if "he gets HIV." he even told his ex, "HIV is a badge." :sick: And now all the flags have ignited into a huge bon fire. Its so intense, the flags can be seen from space. he's also addicted to Grindr and cruising and honeymoon phasing with guys up until the point of romance but leads them on cause he enjoys being liked. Also he said he was only a "top" and only a "sub" for me, but I found out he sucked one of the guys he was seeing's dick in public and was texting a guy from Instagram to "piss" on him. I also found out he went to the bathhouse drunk and didn't use protection. *I feel very betrayed, hurt, injustice, sadness to have been tricked back into staying with him everytime I tried to leave.* The workers in the factories are jumping to their deaths, they can't handle the pressure of the insatiable apatite for red flags. Nothing, not one thing about this relationship was normal or healthy. And I hate to pull that card, but I am from San Francisco. I grew up around gay couples, I know many gay men, single, LTR, married, you name it - and all of this? Not normal. Not okay. This guy is the equivalent of a street junkie, only instead of needles, he goes after sex. 4
eclipse90 Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Sure. Always remember, actions speak louder than words. There is a term "love bombing". This is the feverish adoring, this fast pace stuff, often burns out as fast as it starts. There is a Johnny Cash song Jackson, that always reminds me of it. The main verse: We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout, We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out. I'm goin' to Jackson, I'm gonna mess around, Yeah, I'm goin' to Jackson, Look out Jackson town. Moved too fast / love bombed Red Flag #1 You know who can have healthy, loving relationships? People who are complete within themselves, and can offer all of themselves to someone else. The knight in shining armor, the saving someone thing... rarely works. He was a wounded bambi? He is a wounded soul with way too many problems for you to fix (nor is it your responsibility to). Needed rescued - Red flag #2 And thus - you are ripe to be used and manipulated by others who want gains in this industry. Keep your eyes open and beware. Ripe for cons - Red Flag #3 WHY?!??! Why why why did you think this is a good idea? Did you want a partner or did you want to buy an escort? This is not how normal relationships work. Do yourself a favor and never offer this to any one again. It will make even a good relationship fail. It will cause an imbalance of power. It will cause resentment. It will put the all mighty dollar above love. Don't do this. Redflag #4 - tried to be a sugar daddy. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG This means its just sex to him, and maybe some using you, and maybe some attention. But he isn't emotionally tied to you. Its a red flag at the beginning, its a red flag later... its a red flag. Only the strongest, secure, couples with excellent communication skills, boundaries trust etc are able to make anything "open" work - generally its a ***** show. Red flag #5 No no no, thats not how it works. You must always keep respect for yourself, you must always keep your self interest at heart, because if you wont respect and love yourself, no one will, or can. You can support someone, emotionally, and even financially - but never lose sight of yourself. This type of approach makes you RIPE for manipulation and abuse. Users will see you coming from a mile away, and they will flock like hyenas to the kill. Red flag #6 - Inexperience and gave up too much too soon. This is a straight up unacceptable behavior. It should have never gotten to this point, and you should never allow yourself to be treated like this. Where is your self dignity? Where is your self worth? At a certain point you have to say, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. You allowed all of this. In fact, begged for more. Don't do that. More red flags than can be counted - whole damn parade right here. Dude... I am out of flags. The stores are out of flags, we need to call the factory to start making more flags. :sick: And now all the flags have ignited into a huge bon fire. Its so intense, the flags can be seen from space. The workers in the factories are jumping to their deaths, they can't handle the pressure of the insatiable apatite for red flags. Nothing, not one thing about this relationship was normal or healthy. And I hate to pull that card, but I am from San Francisco. I grew up around gay couples, I know many gay men, single, LTR, married, you name it - and all of this? Not normal. Not okay. This guy is the equivalent of a street junkie, only instead of needles, he goes after sex. This is a wonderful post. I second all of this advice and hope you find the man of your dreams You deserve it, dude! He's out there
Author lunarboy92 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Posted January 27, 2018 Are there any other red flags?
RecentChange Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 Are there any other red flags? I can't begin to imagine a relationship with more warning flags that it was all wrong. What more do you want? Physical abuse?
mortensorchid Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 You sound like me. I went through perhaps one of the most emotionally abusive relationships ever with someone at age 24. It was a turning point moment in life for me for a variety of reasons (there were other things going on as well which were life changing and hurtful, a true trial by fire which I won't get into). This also marks the end of your childhood, age 24. You are transitioning at that moment into adulthood. When this ended for me, I lashed out and when through my slutty period (as a lot of people do, that kid in a candy store routine). It was a good thing for me, it was part of my growing pains. Which you will do as well, and then you'll meet the love of your life. Someday, somehow. It's been nearly 20 years since but ... I hope. And you will hope, and you'll look back and laugh at this idiot and wonder "What did I ever see in him?" I promise you. Move on.
Author lunarboy92 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Posted January 27, 2018 Thank you so much everyone. If anyone else has further advice, let me know - I'm taking notes tonight .
SpecialJ Posted January 27, 2018 Posted January 27, 2018 I have some advice about reflecting on this. Some of the behavior you put up with was because you're relatively young and inexperienced. But the fact you put up with it and missed red flags, allowed yourself to be treated in a way that's less than you deserve, indicates you likely also have some boundary and self-esteem issues. (Also because you mentioned you liked the idea of someone reciprocating interest and making you feel adored.) The good news is, a lot of people don't realize they may have issues like this to start working through until later on in their lives. You can start working through them early! I'd highly recommend you speak to a therapist who has some experience dealing in personality disorders. They frequently see partners and ex-partners of those who might be suffering from them (and your ex has major issues, even if he doesn't clinically have a PD). Good therapists with that kind of experience can help in your recovery from being lied to, used, and emotionally abused. They may be able to help you unpack what happened and why, and give you tools to protect yourself in the future and seek out a healthier relationship. I'm sorry this happened to you, because it must have been devastating. But it was an important and meaningful life experience that can result in you making really big improvements for yourself and eventually finding a healthy partner if you're willing to address it head on. You need to move on from him, because if your ex can change, it's going to be years away and have everything do with him and nothing to do with you. You deserve better. Try to stop following his movements and focus on yourself. Take a full break from him while you do that, maybe even asking your sister to block him. You can't save him -- you can only protect and grow yourself. 1
Author lunarboy92 Posted January 27, 2018 Author Posted January 27, 2018 I have some advice about reflecting on this. Some of the behavior you put up with was because you're relatively young and inexperienced. But the fact you put up with it and missed red flags, allowed yourself to be treated in a way that's less than you deserve, indicates you likely also have some boundary and self-esteem issues. (Also because you mentioned you liked the idea of someone reciprocating interest and making you feel adored.) The good news is, a lot of people don't realize they may have issues like this to start working through until later on in their lives. You can start working through them early! I'd highly recommend you speak to a therapist who has some experience dealing in personality disorders. They frequently see partners and ex-partners of those who might be suffering from them (and your ex has major issues, even if he doesn't clinically have a PD). Good therapists with that kind of experience can help in your recovery from being lied to, used, and emotionally abused. They may be able to help you unpack what happened and why, and give you tools to protect yourself in the future and seek out a healthier relationship. I'm sorry this happened to you, because it must have been devastating. But it was an important and meaningful life experience that can result in you making really big improvements for yourself and eventually finding a healthy partner if you're willing to address it head on. You need to move on from him, because if your ex can change, it's going to be years away and have everything do with him and nothing to do with you. You deserve better. Try to stop following his movements and focus on yourself. Take a full break from him while you do that, maybe even asking your sister to block him. You can't save him -- you can only protect and grow yourself. This post helped with self forgiveness. Thank you. 1
Author lunarboy92 Posted February 3, 2018 Author Posted February 3, 2018 do you think i was preyed on? or that he could recognize an innate vulnerability in me? people say i am very "spaced out" and "weird" and "different"
darkmoon Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 (edited) "He'd make me doubt my gut and intuition" do not let this happen again, once your gut tells you something is off, just block any potential culprit, a gut reaction is a big deal be choosier next time, take things slowly, get to know them Edited February 4, 2018 by darkmoon
SpecialJ Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 I don't think a lot of these types of dynamics are conscious. That people are picking a certain type to "prey" on intentionally. There's just something that fits between your personalities, but it can evolve into "preying upon" if your boundaries aren't strong enough and you don't walk away when you're feeling violated. Darkmoon is right -- if someone is making you doubt your gut when you are certain your gut is right, walking away can be the best protection. Don't fall into a trap of thinking about yourself as having qualities innate to victims: you ARE strong enough to protect yourself even if you're different than "average."
preraph Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 He's not going to change anytime soon. He is just doing everything and everyone he can. I hate that you invested your heart and this is what you got in return, but unfortunately, being giving as often leads to "takers" gravitating you than it does to other givers gravitating toward you. So remember that and keep strong boundaries. Sit down and write how you'd like to be treated and don't accept anything less. Don't wait for this guy. He's on a bender and he may always be like that. You can't change him with love. It just doesn't work that way. Really, all that does is enable them. So remember that that deep love you have inside you is YOUR love. It's not a love that only he can bring out of you. It's your love and you get to take it when you move on and leave him behind. And then it's yours to give to someone more deserving whenever you are ready to love again. Now, go treat yourself the way you hoped someone would treat you.
Author lunarboy92 Posted February 5, 2018 Author Posted February 5, 2018 What does it serve someone like this when they are withholding intimacy and sex from me, making me want it more and more and wanting to please until I get it? Is it a power tactic?
darkmoon Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 (edited) he was manipulating you with well-chosen, planned (even rehearsed) sentences, yes, a power-tactic sure he was not just a cunning rent-boy? hide your money next time, use just a bit on dates for your pleasure on an outing if they ask for cash, say you need your money-stash yourself, and have none spare, never divulge your income, there will always be one better off than the other, so divulging is often not advised, just say "I do ok" and stop there if they quiz you, which they should know is nosy Edited February 5, 2018 by darkmoon 1
Recommended Posts