WonderKid Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 But how? I think my reactions aren't so bad, right? I talked to my cousin about a few of the ladies I had this problem with and how I deal with it and she makes it look like I'm crazy or mean. I don't see how. I tried out Tinder because I was curious. Nothing too good in my area. I linked with a few but it goes nowhere. I met this one girl we talked and I gave her my phone number. Not many take that app seriously, anyways. So we talk. Im obviously a little more talkative than she is. I suggested we talk on the phone. She said it was too late which I understand, but I laid that option out. Then the typical happens: I'm always the one to text first, when she does text its "meh". And then I didnt hear nothing back for like 3 days. I checked her on it. It wasn't an aggressive check just something light. I felt like I have to be the initiator in this. She claims I am assuming too much and she apologized for being MIA. She claims that she is super busy during the week. I let it go and say whatever. So then about 2 weeks later she does it again. Mind you, I have tried to set up a meet date with her twice. Once she had to do something else with family, 2nd time I told her I'd like to meet if she's able to let me know. She said okay. Weekend passed I get nothing. On a Sun or Mon she tells me that I hope I had a good weekend. Now she went 5 days without texting and she decides to send a text. What I do is just say what's on my mind. And however they take it...they take it. I haven't said anything to the woman yet. My cousin tries to defend her but I cannot figure why she can't see where I'm coming from. I gave the woman more leeway than I should have. She feels I should be patient. This is my take on this. Being busy--I understand that. We all have lives and I dont expect you to revolve around me. But I feel like if you are too busy to make time for someone else, then you're not ready. I work 40-45hrs a week and I'm still able to take time out of my day to shoot texts or even talk. Im only at work 8hrs. If you don't like texting (which I don't) you can call. More things are said and a better connection can be formed. Also I feel like, when you really like something, you make time for it--not excuses. If you like a person for real, you'd make time to talk any chance you get. Am I wrong for this? She claims I'm too "cutthroat". But I'm not someone who values that type of communication because that type of communication doesn't make sense to me.
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) Stop thinking that you area priority to somebody you matched with on any dating site. Until you meet you are nothing more than words on a computer. Do try to set up a meeting earlier than later. Play the field, especially before that first meet. Be in communication with several women then you won't have time to notice how long between messages for the ones who aren't so keen. You're not a bad guy. You are just a bit overly invested too early. Dial it back & don't "check" people on things. Mention them but if you initially see behavior you don't like just move along. Edited January 24, 2018 by d0nnivain 3
dumbass2 Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 You're on Tinder. There are a lot of options. You are an option for her. She's probably going on dates or talking with others at the same time, so of course she is busy, busy trying to decide who to go out with. You should have options too. You should be seeking out other women. It's part of the game. You try and do a little chasing, but if you're not getting back the attention you're looking for then you put her on the back burner and focus elsewhere. Don't ever call out someone's interest. Their actions tell you all you need to know. She's just not that interested in dating you. 4
Author WonderKid Posted January 24, 2018 Author Posted January 24, 2018 Well Tinder I kinda got the jist of how it is. I talk to other women all the time. But its the women like her that'll come back saying "oh I do like you" or "Oh I do care". But then when I cut it off its a problem with me.
Author WonderKid Posted January 24, 2018 Author Posted January 24, 2018 You're on Tinder. There are a lot of options. You are an option for her. She's probably going on dates or talking with others at the same time, so of course she is busy, busy trying to decide who to go out with. You should have options too. You should be seeking out other women. It's part of the game. You try and do a little chasing, but if you're not getting back the attention you're looking for then you put her on the back burner and focus elsewhere. Don't ever call out someone's interest. Their actions tell you all you need to know. She's just not that interested in dating you. I have talk to other women I guess I just let my cousin's words get to me a bit which is not normal of me. And that last part is something I have to work on because usually I call it out.
smackie9 Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 Only invest in the ones that invest in you. If you get sporadic texts and lukewarm conversations, stop wasting your time. And learn to just let it go. Calling people out on crap is too much like being butt hurt over nothing. 2
Author WonderKid Posted January 24, 2018 Author Posted January 24, 2018 Only invest in the ones that invest in you. If you get sporadic texts and lukewarm conversations, stop wasting your time. And learn to just let it go. Calling people out on crap is too much like being butt hurt over nothing. The crazy thing is I've done this before! Like just let it go. Just in the past 2yrs I started doing the "straightforward" thing. What if you let it go and they text you again like days or weeks later, what to do then?
kendahke Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 I checked her on it. Nope. Not your place to "go dad" on a stranger you've never met. What you do is block them and keep it moving. Doing anymore than that demonstrates beta and lack of self discipline. She claims I am assuming too much You are. She's not your girlfriend. At. All. You are basically a stranger to her, not a priority and you're acting like she owes you something--she doesn't-- and you haven't even laid eyes on her yet! You talked once on the phone and texted a handful of times. That isn't a contract. As for the rest of this: your cousin is right. You are rushing things too much and when you can't have your way, you get nasty about it; but not only that, but it's misplaced and misguided nastiness because you're projecting onto her something she hasn't even signed up for. 2
Author WonderKid Posted January 24, 2018 Author Posted January 24, 2018 Nope. Not your place to "go dad" on a stranger you've never met. What you do is block them and keep it moving. Doing anymore than that demonstrates beta and lack of self discipline. You are. She's not your girlfriend. At. All. You are basically a stranger to her, not a priority and you're acting like she owes you something--she doesn't-- and you haven't even laid eyes on her yet! You talked once on the phone and texted a handful of times. That isn't a contract. As for the rest of this: your cousin is right. You are rushing things too much and when you can't have your way, you get nasty about it; but not only that, but it's misplaced and misguided nastiness because you're projecting onto her something she hasn't even signed up for. We never talked on the phone. That's what I don't get. But if I do what I used to do when I was younger (which is ignore them) then I get in trouble for it. She doesn't owe me nothing I didn't check her like a drill sergeant I just pointed out in a funny way that I always have to hit her up. But she assures me that isn't the deal so I take her word for it. I try to set up dates but it seems like I'm the only one doing it. I don't get what's so hard about meeting me halfway on communication? I mean, if the flame went out with me then I understand I'll leave it alone. I don't think i moved that fast all I asked for was talking on the phone and a date. So a woman texting me sporadically like that is normal?
Sbla22 Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 This is very true and I can relate OP. Basically if you can't get them out on a first date easily or if their texting becomes shorter, longer im between, asking no questions etc then you have ZERO chance of turning it round. I have learnt that now. It still irritates me though. People say it's not personal which is sort of true but really they were 'interested' at one point (usually first few messages) but you can always sense the cosmic SHIFT in their attitide when they have obviously started talking to someone 'better' than you. You then become meaningless to them. It's bloody brutal but that's what it is on OLD apps. Calling someone out on it achieves nothing - I have let my anger get the better of me a few times - told them exactly what they had done and then you get the 'looks look I was right/dodged a bullet obviously' line from them as of it implies you were repulsive from the start... Now I try and just block/delete and move on but it's hard when you don't get too many matches so one that does come along, starts promisingly then fades because they can't be bothered talking to you now you've become second, third or fourth best, it hurts sometimes. 1
Space Ritual Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 Dude, People on Social Media, especially on a dating app, are going to embellish their lives in order to have the service work for them. If you are on a dating app, begin speaking and can't pin down somebody relatively local on an actual meetup within a month if it is totally doable(Long Distance is not really conducive to that) then move on. Life is way too short. 2
Nadine123 Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 As a woman, you're coming off to me really aggressive. If I meet a guy on a dating site, and he ''checks'' me for taking too long to reply it would be a red flag to me. People's lives don't revolve around you. Next time, if someone doesnt reply, just give them time. If they don't at all, it means they simply arent interested. 2
Author WonderKid Posted January 24, 2018 Author Posted January 24, 2018 Its not long distance she stay like 10mins away from me. Im on the east side she's on the west. But I get where you coming from. I got some really sound advice from friend of mine. She assured me I'm not crazy in what I feel but there's also no exact right or wrong way about this. I'll just leave her alone and ignore the text. If she asks me why I'll just say I'm not feeling the vibe. That's how I'll handle it from now on. Thanks for the help everyone. 1
kendahke Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) So a woman texting me sporadically like that is normal? That's normal for someone who hasn't made you a priority in her life after a couple of texts. You're in a line with her... clearly, there are other things more interesting to her that she puts her time in. People make time for what is important to them. That's human nature. It might help to not date women so much younger than you. 10 years is a lot of time and what she may be wanting out of a serious relationship you can't provide--and that doesn't make her wrong. She's entitled to choose who she wants to invest her time with. If it isn't you, then oh well... there are other women out there. Go find one of them. Edited January 24, 2018 by kendahke 1
Maggie4 Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 You don't need to change yourself or pretend to be disinterested. This was a misdirected effort, that's all. We've all had that. One time I tried to pursue a guy, not knowing he was gay : misdirected effort, I did not change myself. If this woman had been serious and ready for a relationship, everything would have turned out differently. 1
LurkerXX Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 You are coming on too strong to someone who is simply not interested. It is totally up to you whether you prune her out of your contacts, or keep her in that pool. I tend towards pruning out in online dating, but that is because men that have little real interest towards me, in online dating, can still become pests, looking for booty calls or such. Checking someone who you are not even dating, much less not a boyfriend to, is too much. Same for women that are doing it to you. You cannot make someone interested in you or attentive towards you. It is best just to let it go. If it were a meetup or a party with friends, yeah it is normal to be polite and general not be an ass to everyone around, and to talk to a variety of people. However, as this is a site specifically for dating, it is A-OK to prune out time wasters, however you define that. 2
Author WonderKid Posted January 25, 2018 Author Posted January 25, 2018 I usually talk to many women at a time I'm not stranger to that. It's just that I don't like women a woman comes on to me, saying she into me but doesn't show. So when I feel like she isn't showing it I back off and leave it alone. But then, when I do that I'm made the bad guy and I'm like well WTF am I to do? Lol If I were doing the same thing to her I'd probably be immediately checked about it. But from now on I'm gonna be zen about it. And if I get blamed or something I'll just say I'm sorry maybe we just don't vibe well yknow? Last thing I hate being dubbed is clingy. I'm far from that.
LurkerXX Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Well I could list reasons till the cows come home.... -she is just not compatible to you, with her communication style. -met someone else that intrigued her more. -is too busy to date, but is still trying for whatever internal reason of hers. -runs hot and cold due to whatever internal reason that you are not going to figure out. -is a person that in general is used to infrequent contact, and prefers that. -liked you at 1st, but not as much once she got to know you more. ect, ect, ect..... So, you either downshift your communication with her, or prune her out, your choice. Sometimes you can learn a lesson from something, other times the lesson is to just move your own life ad actions along. Why one particular person , who you don't know particularly well, is doing whatever they are doing, often falls into the latter category. Don't take it on your shoulders.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Stop thinking that you area priority to somebody you matched with on any dating site. Until you meet you are nothing more than words on a computer. Do try to set up a meeting earlier than later. Play the field, especially before that first meet. Be in communication with several women then you won't have time to notice how long between messages for the ones who aren't so keen. You're not a bad guy. You are just a bit overly invested too early. Dial it back & don't "check" people on things. Mention them but if you initially see behavior you don't like just move along. As someone who has used tinder, this is solid advice. Keep talking to multiple women as I noticed a lot of people (guys in my case), played a lot of games w/me. After a harsh lesson, I learned not to get attached to anyone until you meet up and start going out for a period of time. Women like that aren't worth your time.
Tribble Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Tinder is about as low investment as you can get. No-one owes you a message or to stay in contact until after you meet. I text people a lot, I enjoy keeping in contact but I'm not great at responding on Tinder. As a example, I was messaging back and forth with this guy. Neither of us were great at responding but we'd share a message every couple of days. On Friday, he basically said we aren't great at messaging, lets meet up. It was forward, addressed our bad communication but wasn't aggressive. I responded saying I could do something Saturday afternoon. Que tumbleweed. No big deal, I had nothing invested and got on with my weekend. Then he messages on Tuesday asking to meet up this weekend, no mention of blowing me off at the weekend. I haven't yet responded as I won't be finalising weekend plans until this evening and I'm just not sure anymore, but just got a message (Thursday) saying "hello.....NAME?". I'm now kinda turned off. He didn't respond to my direct message to meet up and left it days. Now I have left it less than 2 days, I'm getting chased up. It puts my back up a little and feels a little like double standards. My point is, the first message about bad communication was good, didn't blame me and I wanted to meet up. Now I'm being called out on something he has also been guilty of, I'm put off. But, in your situation, I'd have just not bothered. She doesn't seem very open to meeting up so what's the point? Just stop sending messages. It happens every day on Tinder, no-one really calls it out and, if they do, you just ignore. No investment and you won't ever see them. 1
Sbla22 Posted January 25, 2018 Posted January 25, 2018 Until you meet I think you're right - assume they can ghost at any time and most likely will if someone 'better' comes along. I think now I can sense it when a girl doesn't really want to go for a first date - even once arranged there's this thing that happens where you can just feel they will cancel with some lame excuse. After you meet I think if someone texts you saying they had a good night or shows genuine enthusiasm in meeting up again then it becomes a poor move if they then drop off the face of the earth but even this is just about acceptable after ONE date. 2 dates or more with messages after once again implying a good time was had IMO is really rude to then just do a fade but it's happened to me 2 or 3 times now.
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