What really are the chances of reconciliation after an affair?

[livinglargecj]

Of the many counseling sites, I have seen a wide range...from 40% and 70% possibility. Clearly the marriage had issues or an affair wouldn't have happened to begin with and stats of all marriages show 50% divorce rates regardless of infidelity. I have read that it depends on the empathy the person has for the BS. I have read it depends on how long the marriage has existed. I have read that it is nearly a 2 year process, even with therapy.

 

Obviously it depends on many things...kids, financial security, professional help, etc. But what are your real thoughts out there?

 

Assume for arguments sake that the affair is disclosed, both parties want to make it work, and the AP is NC.

Edited January 24, 2018 by livinglargecj

[MidnightBlue1980]

My thoughts are that most forgive and move on if there is something to be saved, or if they just like being married.

 

We are still married and so are my exmm and his bw. I think more work it out than the number show. The other man or woman is just a symptom of the problem in the marriage. It could have been anyone.

 

Its so important to remember how little you mean as the other person in an affair.

[staggerlee71]

everything is easier the second time

[road]

Of the many counseling sites, I have seen a wide range...from 40% and 70% possibility. Clearly the marriage had issues or an affair wouldn't have happened to begin with and stats of all marriages show 50% divorce rates regardless of infidelity. I have read that it depends on the empathy the person has for the BS. I have read it depends on how long the marriage has existed. I have read that it is nearly a 2 year process, even with therapy.

 

Obviously it depends on many things...kids, financial security, professional help, etc. But what are your real thoughts out there?

 

Assume for arguments sake that the affair is disclosed, both parties want to make it work, and the AP is NC.

 

Many marriages survive and many do not.

Not everyone that attempts recovery is successful.

Recovery is a two to five process.

 

There are many reasons to recover. Or many motivations to

recover a marriage.

 

Many things that must be done to make recovery successful.

 

No one can guarantee success. This wraps it up in general.

Now if you want to know about yourself then it is time for

you to spill the beans.

[DKT3]

Looking at the numbers the major contributing factor is gender. Males are 7 times more likely to want out if cheated on.

 

Really, it's a matter of how quickly the WS comes around.

 

Here is the thing, most people just STAY, with no real effort to improve the situation, they just exist in the marriage. To me that isn't reconcilation, they forever remain cheater and cheated.

[Arieswoman]

livinglargecj,

 

Clearly the marriage had issues or an affair wouldn't have happened to begin with

I would take issue with this ^^^

 

Issues in a marriage don't cause affairs.

 

Affairs are a course of action that one of the parties takes because of an inability to effectively deal with challenges that occur in all relationships. They demonstrate poor choices, poor communication skills and poor coping strategies. Often the cheater is conflict avoidant.

 

Unless the WS takes responsibility for their poor choices and does some serious self-examination (maybe assisted by therapy/counselling) then the relationship will not change.

The BS will have to do their own work on themself to process the hurt and betrayal.

 

It's a long hard road back which needs full committment/honesty/disclosure and communication between both parties.

 

You ask;

 

What really are the chances of reconciliation after an affair?

And the answer is "how long is a piece of string?".

 

There are too many factors involved for anyone to answer that question.

[DKT3]

livinglargecj,

 

I would take issue with this ^^^

 

Issues in a marriage don't cause affairs.

 

Affairs are a course of action that one of the parties takes because of an inability to effectively deal with challenges that occur in all relationships. They demonstrate poor choices, poor communication skills and poor coping strategies. Often the cheater is conflict avoidant.

 

Unless the WS takes responsibility for their poor choices and does some serious self-examination (maybe assisted by therapy/counselling) then the relationship will not change.

The BS will have to do their own work on themself to process the hurt and betrayal.

 

It's a long hard road back which needs full committment/honesty/disclosure and communication between both parties.

 

You ask;

 

 

And the answer is "how long is a piece of string?".

 

There are too many factors involved for anyone to answer that question.

I somehow missed that part.

 

Wayward spouses come here all the time and go on and on about the shortcomings of thier spouse. I always think, so you were perfect and did nothing to "cause" your partner to cheat. Cheater didn't corner the market on being unhappy in the marriage, usually when one is unhappy both are unhappy.

 

Some insight, I made a grand gesture to my wife at the Apex of her affair. It was something that required a great deal of time and effort. In response she said to me "you only did this because you felt you had to, because you think it's what a husband is supposed to do" the comment confused me at the time. After I discovered her affair that conversation was revisited. My wife had an unhealthy desire for validation, in my mind it had always been a minor thing. But after being together so long my validating her became an expectation that lost it's impact. She needed a new source of validation, enter OM. That dynamic had nothing to do with me or our marriage, it was an issue from her FO. The way her parents rained praise down on her and her sister for the most minor and mundane everyday tasks. She has always moved her source of validation throughout our time together.

 

Nothing to do with me or our marriage, it was her own personal demon to slay.

[waterwoman]

"Clearly the marriage had issues or an affair wouldn't have happened to begin with"

 

That isn't clear at all.

 

Clearly the WS had issues. The BS may have had issues - hard to tell in a hypothetical situation. It is safe to assume that the main issue for the marriage would have been that the WS was weak and selfish. Affairs 'happen' for many reasons - the faults of the marriage and/or the BS is never a good enough reason.

[standtall]

It depends on who is cheating and how define cheating. If it is sex, I would say men have a much harder time reconciling if their spouse cheats.

[wmacbride]

I somehow missed that part.

 

Wayward spouses come here all the time and go on and on about the shortcomings of thier spouse. I always think, so you were perfect and did nothing to "cause" your partner to cheat. Cheater didn't corner the market on being unhappy in the marriage, usually when one is unhappy both are unhappy.

 

Some insight, I made a grand gesture to my wife at the Apex of her affair. It was something that required a great deal of time and effort. In response she said to me "you only did this because you felt you had to, because you think it's what a husband is supposed to do" the comment confused me at the time. After I discovered her affair that conversation was revisited. My wife had an unhealthy desire for validation, in my mind it had always been a minor thing. But after being together so long my validating her became an expectation that lost it's impact. She needed a new source of validation, enter OM. That dynamic had nothing to do with me or our marriage, it was an issue from her FO. The way her parents rained praise down on her and her sister for the most minor and mundane everyday tasks. She has always moved her source of validation throughout our time together.

 

Nothing to do with me or our marriage, it was her own personal demon to slay.

 

Exactly.

It's a difficult pill for a bs to swallow that their ws made the decision to have an affair, but it's necessary for both the bs and the ws to recognize this. If they don't, and they just try to rugsweep this, there is a high chnace an affair can happen again.

 

One thing I have noticed in couple who feel they have successfully reconciled is that they were able to learn and grow from the affair. Part of that is admitting that the ws went into the affair,fully and freely. Just as the ow or om didn't make them cheat, neither did the bs. Once they admit that, they can address that so that, in the future, they will (hopefully) make better choices. This is a good indicator that they can move past the affair, and many ws are able to do this. No all, but many.

 

This isn't to say that the marriage shouldn't be worked on as well.

[GoldenR]

Waywards will answer this question with a much higher % than the betrayed will.

[carhill]

In general marriages with a healthy foundation have an increased likelihood of healthy reconciliation.

 

Both parties are responsible for the marriage and the wayward spouse is responsible for the affair. Both choose to continue and how they will proceed with that.

[RecentChange]

I am going to put my sociology hat on again, and say WAY too many variables affect this to come up with any meaningful "average".

 

My husband has cheated, and I have cheated, and we are together, and our relationship is stronger, closer and better than ever.

 

But there are SO MANY factors that play into that. Our personalities, our belief systems, our years together, the... casualness of the affairs (they were not "love affairs" but rather short term sexual flings).

 

Our open admission of wrong doing, or desire to make right, following the "Linda McDonald" guide. I could go on and on.

 

I see you started another thread. I will say, going No Contact was very important. My other man was dead to me come D Day. *Poof gone* never contacted him again.

 

And he knew thats how it would be. We weren't in a "relationship" it was an affair, which means one day, one of us most likely would simply disappear. That was understood.

[LilySun]

I've known of most people in this situation to reconcile. However one couple still divorced a few years after reconciliation. The affair ended but still managed to put a big strain on their marriage from that point on. The one who got hurt just never could let go of it. It's a challenge to keep the relationship good if deciding to stay together, because the past is always in the back of their minds. Reconciliation alone is easy compared to what comes after.

[livinglargecj]

First my apologies for the implication on the initial post that a bad marriage causes an affair. My intention was rather that there is some preexisting issue whether it be in the relationship or individual that leads to breaking the covenant.

 

I totally get that there are soooo many variables.

The fact that divorce rates are so high as is got me wondering if something so harmful as an affair wouldn’t ramp this up to nearly a pregone conclusion some day on average. BUT...it seems this may not be the case at all. Perhaps it’s the shake up that prevents divorces in many more cases. There just doesn’t seem to be solid research out there. Unless the sociology experts have studies I have not seen!!

[understand50]

The odds depends on the people involved, the situation, and timing in the marriage. A early affair with out kids, I am sure the odds are much higher for divorce, then the affair at 20 years, with kids. The main thing is the glue that can keep you both together when this happens, and also just what happened. I assume a ONS, may be mush more forgiven then a long term affair.

 

So each situation is different, and that just life.

[road]

The odds depends on the people involved, the situation, and timing in the marriage. A early affair with out kids, I am sure the odds are much higher for divorce, then the affair at 20 years, with kids. The main thing is the glue that can keep you both together when this happens, and also just what happened. I assume a ONS, may be mush more forgiven then a long term affair.

 

So each situation is different, and that just life.

 

This just represents the motivations to get divorced or

stay married. They do not indicate the success rate for

recovery. For many just stay married in limbo without

true recovery.