Fallen_Angel Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 My four year anniversary with my ex would have been tomorrow. And we just had a full moon. So for these reasons and several others I've been thinking about my ex a bit more lately. While I do stop and ask myself "what could I possibly gain by speaking with him?", I've come to the realization that I really, really miss the way he supported me. Okay, so maybe that means I'm weak and I can't fully stand on my own (though I have for this long, have I not? I haven't begged!) but we had what I considered to be a pretty healthy relationship. (Well, minus the occasional teasing and yes, the biggest drawback as I've learned, his inability to seriously talk about our future.) We were lovers AND best friends. He helped me through rough patches during college, just as I helped him. And he helped guide me through all the post-college weirdness. At times I felt as though he believed in me more than I believed in myself. I've had issues with my self-esteem for as long as I can remember, but I felt as though with him I had made tremendous strides in putting some of those issues to rest. Obviously being rejected has resurrected all those ghosts. One of the many challenges I've faced during these past few months has been to recognize just how strong I CAN be. All that aside, I did call my ex last night. I had e-mailed him several days before in response to his e-mail stating he was dating again. (I know, wtf. An E-MAIL?!) I wasn't overly harsh in my response or anything; in fact I told him I WAS trying to get back into the swing of things myself, with pretty lousy results. But I also admitted that of course knowing he was dating again hurt me. And I also basically blamed him for causing my bout of bronchitis/crazy coughing virus...ok, partially blamed him. I know work had a bit to do with it as well. Anyway, I called and left him a voicemail just to clear the air. I said I hoped he wasn't offended by what I said, and that as he had mentioned, I was making progress except there were still moments where I fell back to square one. I didn't think he'd call back - yes, my idiot self checked my phone a bunch of times before I went to bed, but I wasn't expecting a call, just hoping for one. And of course I didn't fall asleep right away. But wouldn't you know, 15 minutes after I finally fell asleep he called back. It was kinda late - I was surprised because he knows I have to be up for work relatively early. I barely cried when we spoke, because about half of the conversation was catching-up sort of things: me with work, he had just attended a concert, etc. But then he told me he had been TERRIFIED to call me. Yes, terrified! WHY?! Is it guilt? He said he felt as though whenever he spoke to me on the phone that HIS heart was breaking in half. What about MINE, for cripes sake? I don't think I have to remind you all (but I will anyway) - HE did the dumping!!! He reiterated what he had said weeks before: he wants to see me (haven't seen him since the breakup, and lucky for me he doesn't live near me - he's about a half hour away) but isn't ready yet. I don't understand that at all. What does he have to be ready for? More guilt? He did tell me before he'd had a nightmare or two about the night he dumped me, which I can totally see - I didn't take the news very well and we'd spent the night together because it was raining really bad. I know I'll never understand his motives or behavior or whatever. And I know he's stubborn. I get the impression he's tried to really throw himself into things this summer (he's in grad school) so as to somehow ignore what happened. He said so himself: he tried to play the role of the ostrich with its head in the sand. I can't help but hope his plan comes back to haunt him. And I know, I KNOW I have to move on because I deserve better than someone who hurt me like this. But it's so hard. For one thing, I still feel as though I won't find anyone else. I'm not in school anymore so it's not like I meet tons of new people, and I'm not much for the bar scene. And I'm basically batting .000 with the online dating thing. Ugh. I need to learn to be patient.
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