30 and single

[gcp]

A little history, I got out of a long term relationship back in July. I was single up until November, started dating a new woman, both of us 30. Things were great, a lot in common, spent quality time together and had great physical chemistry.... buuut just after New Years she basically ghosted me.

 

So here I am, I’m a single guy, feel like I’m above average in the looks department (6’ 3” athletic build) but I know that is only surface level. I have a great job, own a home, never married and no kids. Would like to think I have a good personality, good sense of humor and easy to talk to. BUT my biggest downfall is I am super shy, I know this sounds “beta” but I always have been and it has been something I have struggled with my entire life. And as a result I am having a difficult time finding dates with women. I’m also a little concerned being 30 and single that I’ll have the “there must be something wrong with him” label atttached to me. And frankly, after this last break up my self confidence is not rock bottom but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t take a blow from that.

 

So, are there any single men or women around your 30s that have any advice on dating, meeting new singles? I’ve tried bumble, conversations tend to go nowhere and really feel it’s a little to shallow. Thinking of joining a gym but also know it isn’t always the best place to approach someone.

 

Thanks

[Lamartine]

I don't think any woman would worry about there being something wrong with you being single at 30. You're young!! I married at 31 for the first time.

 

Do you do any volunteering? I started volunteering with a couple of charities and a political campaign after my divorce, and I met a lot of nice people that way. If you are a religious person, church is a good place to meet someone too.

 

I'm sorry about your breakup. Ghosting is awful. You sound like a real catch! Personally, I find it endearing when guys are a little shy.

[BaileyB]

Well, speaking as a girl who was once single and in my 30's, you sound like just the kind of guy I was DYING to meet.

 

I'm sorry you have had bad luck with dating and relationships. We have all been there. But, you seem like a great guy who has much to offer a woman... Hang in there and the right person will eventually come along...

 

Ps. Try not to get too hung up on labels. Alpha, beta - it's nonsense. Just be who you are and have faith that your love will come along... Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

If your "problem" is shyness, learn how to be more outgoing. Polish your interpersonal skills. I was forced to learn to network for business. Before that I would have told you I was shy. It's a skill like anything else.

 

 

If you have the money take a Dale Carnegie class or something like it. If you don't, join a group called ToastMasters. The group is more about public speaking but it helps tremendously with self confidence & interpersonal skills.

[Mx12345]

I’m in the same boat as you only I’m a female. I’m 31, above average looks, great job, good income, educated, workout 5 days a week. And every time I meet a early 30s man who I feel I’m compatible with, we date for a month or two then nothing. Every time I get on Bumble I get a sick feeling. Conversations that go nowhere, sucky first dates, people that never respond. Then you meet that one person and seem to hit it off but after a few dates nothing goes any further.

 

Two years ago I joined a city social kickball team. All people in their 20s and 30s who play once a week and drink beer. I personally have never dated anyone from my team or an opposing team but a few friends of mine have. In fact I took my sister to one of my games and she hit it off with a guy on my team and they dated for 7 months.

 

And don’t worry about being 30 and single. The only time I question why a guy is 30 and single is when he’s single because he still wants to play the field and just casually date.

[BaileyB]

If your "problem" is shyness, learn how to be more outgoing. Polish your interpersonal skills. I was forced to learn to network for business. Before that I would have told you I was shy. It's a skill like anything else.

 

So true. I completely agree.

[Mkn1010]

Hey there, I can very much relate. I'm a single woman, 31 years old, no kids, never been married, I am told by most people I know that they have no idea why I'm single except that I'm really shy and that can come across as cold I was in a long term relationship for much of my 20's, only to re-enter the dating game at 29 and it was really scary! I finally felt like I met a great guy, we met in real life, not on some creepy app, and he pursued me, we took things slow, and after 3 months of dating he ghosted me last week! I'm still pretty shocked!

 

 

I think it's essential to get your confidence back up after the recent break-up, I'm in a mindset where I don't think I'll ever find love and that it not a helpful to place to be when dating. I also personally dislike online dating and apps, I quit using them mid last year and do not miss that mess at all!

 

 

So as to where to meet people, well I've always volunteered, I started a recent program helping troubled youth. While I haven't met anyone through this avenue, it honestly helps me to rebuild my confidence and know that I am a worthwhile human being with empathy and the ability to help others. Gym and physical exercise is also awesome for building confidence, as is spending time with people who cherish you

 

 

But honestly, a lot of girls think that 'alpha male' nonsense is ridiculous and would LOVE a shy guy. I would know because this is how I feel and so do my single friends. This is 2018, there should not be any obligations on men to be less shy :/

 

 

I hope you find a girl who will feel lucky to have you

[Chilli]

You've had relationships and stuff, your being too hard on yourself . Wouldn't that be an ex gf and a new lady all in 6mths , that's not bad going.

Sorry she disappeared, l dunno what all that crap is these days.

And yeah forget also all these idiot labels and garbage these days, mean wtf. People are just people, we're all different.

30s ok don't worry about that, prime time actually and no ones gonna think shyt don't worry.

And the shyness , there's just as many shy people in marriages and relationships as anyone else , it's just part of who you are sounds like you still do ok.

 

Besides,my brother was really shy growing up and in his 20s and 30s but now in his 40s he's one of the strongest guys know.

You'll be fine.

Good luck.

[drakon12]

Well, a quick tip about not being shy: Do what women do. If you want to start up a conversation with a woman, you don't always have to take the hypermasculine road like some pickup """"gurus"""" suggest. Which is like telling her that you find her pretty and you'd like to get to know her, etcetera. My most direct approach is "Hi, I'm D, how's it going?".

 

You might be asking that how women are doing it? Well, when they see a guy they like -or when they want to talk to someone- they just let out a little comment. Like "the weather is killing me, I really liked this place's decoration, I wonder if I can pass the finals or not", something like this. If they answer you can build something from there.

[smackie9]

being shy sucks so do something about it! There are courses you can take like public speaking, speech making, assertive training, etc. Work on that.

[heavenonearth]

I was single when I turned 30.

Now I am a month shy of turning 31 and am dating the man of my dreams, we are talking of spending the rest of our lives together.

 

Stop looking. Enjoy life. Date for fun. You'll never know what may happen.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Every single person with great social skills was shy once.

 

I was once. Took a lot of time and effort. I got better and better over time. Its something you have to work at. Looking back i just got better year on year. Now i can talk to anyone, anywhere(Its not something i think about. Just happens)

 

I don't have a fear of going up to and talking to a woman i like(Just have to make sure the opportunity to open conversation is right.)

 

And the really amazing thing is there are some really cool people out there. Even if nothing come from it just talking to new people is always worthwhile.

[Interstellar]

This happened a few years ago. A cousin of mine who’s shy and introverted like me saw a bunch of New York Knicks cheerleaders on the subway waiting for the train. To anyone who’s not American, the Knicks are a well known basketball team here in NY and they play at MSG which is also known as the Mecca of basketball. Anyway, he approached one of the girls and started talking to her, naturally her friends got in on the action and started interrogating my cousin. Started asking him questions like “why are you talking to her?”, etc...I call them BLOCKERS, pretty much to intimidate him. Ideally, I would like this to have a happy ending but there was just too many blockers he had to fend off. But the moral of the story is he got the Congressional Medal of Honor for courage; because how many guys would actually approach a group of tall, gorgeous women with the odds stacked against him? not many...

 

My cousin is not a 6 footer like you.

 

If he can do it, you can do it. You gotta have something to say though. Plan it out. Just something light and positive, and have a course of action on where the conversation would go.

[Mkn1010]

I’m in the same boat as you only I’m a female. I’m 31, above average looks, great job, good income, educated, workout 5 days a week. And every time I meet a early 30s man who I feel I’m compatible with, we date for a month or two then nothing. Every time I get on Bumble I get a sick feeling. Conversations that go nowhere, sucky first dates, people that never respond. Then you meet that one person and seem to hit it off but after a few dates nothing goes any further.

 

Two years ago I joined a city social kickball team. All people in their 20s and 30s who play once a week and drink beer. I personally have never dated anyone from my team or an opposing team but a few friends of mine have. In fact I took my sister to one of my games and she hit it off with a guy on my team and they dated for 7 months.

 

And don’t worry about being 30 and single. The only time I question why a guy is 30 and single is when he’s single because he still wants to play the field and just casually date.

 

 

I just wanted to say that I also used to get a sick feeling when I activated my dating profile on apps (I now no longer use them) - I wonder what that's about?

[gcp]

I just wanted to say that I also used to get a sick feeling when I activated my dating profile on apps (I now no longer use them) - I wonder what that's about?

 

 

I have no idea, but to me, it is EXTREMELY depressing

[rightondude]

I’m also a little concerned being 30 and single that I’ll have the “there must be something wrong with him” label atttached to me.

 

ahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

wait til you're 40! and have two kids! And then are thrown back into the dating game!

 

Not to belittle your situation. All that matters is what you're feeling, it doesn't matter what someone else is dealing with. comparing a situation to someone else's doesn't make your own battle anything less.

 

I only bring it up because I, like you, was thrust back into action and I am also somewhat reserved. I hate the word shy. I just never want to bother anyone or talk endlessly or boast or whatever. People may say that's "shy" ... screw em. I like it better than ever being thought of as an arrogant prick.

 

I have gotten dates since my divorce. Had a good bit of sex. Most of it was through Bumble or Tinder so I wouldn't mark it off the list. It took re-establishing who I was as an INDIVIDUAL.

 

The most important thing you can do is to better yourself. Once you're the best YOU you can be, women will be attracted to you. PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. If not through Tinder, through some other social network. Facebook, twitter, whatever. Crack jokes. Make astute observations. Make yourself known.

 

In public, do like others have stated; just get out there. For me, bars and concerts work best. For you, who knows. Go wherever you feel most at home and someone like you will be there too.

 

Just for god's sake don't sit around thinking it can't be done or that you're not worthy.

 

You will create your own fate brother.

Edited January 24, 2018 by rightondude

[mortensorchid]

You think it's bad when you're 30? Wait until you're my age (43).

 

But seriously ... The only thing I can tell you is to put yourself into places with people like MeetUp groups and the like. Don't just use the internet even though it's so tempting to do so. You'll meet people to be sure, but it's like a digital bar.

[FOBolous]

30 is still young. Being 30 and single is not a big deal. I'm 30 and single. And there's a lot of other people out there who are single and 30. In fact, being single and 30 as a man is the perfect age to date. It's a man's "prime age." You're at an age where you are still considered to be still somewhat young, have your life together, is stable financially, and have accumulated enough life experiences to be interesting. What girl doesn't want that? young or old? So being 30 and single is completely ok.

 

I think you are shy for 3 reasons: constantly comparing yourself to others, being out of the dating scene for too long, and fear of rejection

 

1. DO NOT compare yourself to others. Know what you have to offer and be proud of it. As a guy, being over 6 foot is like a girl having big boobs or a nice butt. You're also physically fit? Whaaaat? Plus you are stable financially and have no baggage. We're also normal. Guys like you and me are rare. We are a catch. And if a girl isn't interested, it is their fault for not seeing what you have to offer and it is THEIR loss.

 

Plus comparing yourself to others is an exercise in futility. Sure other people might SEEM like they have things going for them, but you do not know them personally. You don't know if they have kids or if they are serial cheaters or if they have STDs or isn't as good of a cook as you are (if you are a cook) or what they do for a living...ect. Looking at someone else and thinking they're a better catch then you is just dumb cause you do not know if that's true. Everyone always seem like they are better off than they really are.

 

Know who you are, what you have to offer, and know what you are worth.

 

2. I don't think you're actually "shy." I think you're just uncertain. You've been in a long relationship for so long that you're used to your ex significant other and forgot what it's like to go out and find dates. As you go out more and meet more ladies, you'll slowly get your groove back.

 

3. DO NOT be afraid of rejections. And DO NOT take rejections personally. It is a numbers game. Unless you look like Brad Pitt, rejections are just going to be part of the dating experience. Certain girls like outdoorsy guys, some girls like beards, some girls hate beards, some girls like smart guys, ect. Them rejecting you can be as simple as you are literally not their type.

 

And literally, sometimes them rejecting you is literally them and not you. I've gone out with groups of female friends and see them reject guys all night cause they literally just want to go out, have fun, and have 0 intention of meeting any guys. So again, don't take rejections personally and remember, it's a numbers game.

 

And unlike other people, I advise you against changing your personality. If being quiet is who you are, than it's who you are. If quiet guys are not their type, than so be it. Let them go and find someone their type....let them keep dating other guys who may have baggage or not have their crap together or guys who send them genital pics or who is short. Keep dating until you find a girl who likes and appreciate your quietness. Do not change who you are for the sake of getting more dates.

 

By trying to act confident and be more outgoing, you are being someone you are not, and a relationship built on falsehood will not last.

 

but yea...hope my post helps!

Edited January 24, 2018 by FOBolous

[h647]

I'm 31 and recentley single after a shortish (3-4 month) relationship ended with someone I really liked due to difficult circumstances. I was down for a few weeks because it is daunting worrying about meeting someone.

 

I'm busy with work and alot of friends have settled down, have children etc so can't socalise as much as we did when younger. But like many have said here, it isn't all bad. I have a stable job, my own place etc and need to remember that. I will put myself back on the apps etc even though that is a bit of a slog, I know that you have to be in the shop window.

[Sara1989]

I hope these posts made you feel better 30 still young and there are many childless, single 30 years olds.